Trying Hard Not to Commit Suicide

[avi123]

no response except a PM from Khouser

[jencat824]

Although your OSA is an issue, sounds like you need immediate services such as your local social service agencies. As another poster said, go to the ER, tell them you are trying hard to not commit suicide, they will help you.

Please go now & let us know when you can how you are. I will send prayers & good wishes your way.

Jen

The reason I said go to the ER is because they can help get you in touch with the services in your area that can either pay your rent or get you in to local housing with low/no rent. Then they can help you apply for disability - this takes time, but if you apply & are using the local services available to keep an apartment & utilities you can work towards the problem without being so 'locked in a box of hell' by worry that you will be on the streets, living in your car. You probably qualify for food stamps to eat too. These are all temporary help measures to get you thru so you can work on the issue of your health. Something is seriously wrong and it might not be just OSA, but a complex issue of something else medically wrong. Of course you are depressed, with thoughts of losing your home & living in a car - who wouldn't be depressed? If you reach out to your local community's services, they are there to help you. I've never been in your shoes, but have a family member who has.

Hang in there & take that first step, go to the ER or call a crisis hotline. Just reach out to those services to meet your immediate needs. Then you can deal with the CPAP, sleep issues & possibly other medical needs.

Good luck,
Jen

[kteague]

BoxedIn, all of the things you are facing are harder than hard. The only one that is irrevocably permanent is the suicide part. Known a few over the years who chose to make the temporary their final chapter. Came so close to it myself it's scary - actually had the gun in my hand. If I had a buck for everyone I've personally seen recover from utter desolation and desperation, I'd have enough money to share with you and we could both pay next month's rent. I worked the last 10 years of my career (before sleep disorders and declining health ruined it) at a social services agency that provides shelter and programs for people trying to start over. There are people who actually succeed in turning things like this around. Some even ended up later working at the organization, as they believed in hiring their success stories and/or linking them to organizations open to hiring people in their situation. Were those people more strong minded than the others? Not necessarily. A great part of their turnaround was in their utter inability to fix things on their own and their ability to humbly allow others to support and build into them a new foundation. Being unable to help yourself yet unwilling to accept help without naysaying every effort is a recipe for disaster. But no one can make these choices for you. The unfortunate part is people in these situations are too often not in a good frame of mind for decision making. I do hope you'll allow someone to work with you as you try to regain your former positive perspective. As kindly as I can say this, you sound like you need someone walking this journey with you, and it seems with your family situation it's going to have to be someone professional or outside your current circle.

You say in a few weeks you'll be homeless. Tomorrow is promised to no one, but you are reasonably expecting to have shelter for at least a few more weeks. Why quit trying prematurely when you've got at least a few weeks to try to turn this thing around? Make this time count. What looks like the end of the road to you may end up being just a fork, and one that leads you to a life you can enjoy. If you cannot shake this overwhelming absolute negativism, please use your last ounce of inner strength to make a phone call and allow someone to help you.

[Julie]

If you have an undiagnosed thyroid, or sugar, chronic fatigue or a hematologic problem and you don't get checked out, all the help in the world re OSA/Cpap isn't going to help. You must find a way to get seen either through some version of an ER or walk-in, etc. And when you have some answers, even if negative, come back here and we will do our very best to help. You could have a sleep disorder that is not precisely run-of-the-mill apnea, but even that will need new investigations and they often take a while to be set-up, so try to get what you can ruled out first. We very much would like to help but you (sorry!) need to take a step or two yourself... even if right now you feel they'll be your last ones (and I hope they're not!).

[quietmorning]

Please call your local Suicide Prevention number - NOW.

Don't fool around with Suicidal thoughts - they can go to 'fighting it' to 'maybe' to 'do it', in a hurry.

In the mean time, please understand, you don't want to kill YOU. You want to kill the turmoil and loss and further loss in your life - two hugely different things.

IF you kill you, there's no phoenix. There's no coming back and seeing what incredible you you are meant to be in the future. If you kill the turmoil and loss and further loss in your life, you may well recover and do much better and life to see some pretty amazing things.

Please call your local Suicide Prevention number. THEN go from there.

[greatunclebill]

again, report to the emergency room and tell the doctor every word you told us.

people here can give you advice about your apnea problems, but can't get you out of the personal problems.

while you are being treated for apnea, your main medical problem probably is not the apnea. you probably have an underlying diagnosed or undiagnosed medical condition that is causing the tiredness problem. many different conditions and medications cause fatigue. anxiety and depression are playing a big part exascerbating whatever condition is causing the problem.

[Sir NoddinOff]

The worst part about depression, besides the despair, fear and gloom, is that depression is a deceiver. Your depression whispers in your ear: "You're really okay, you've just a lot of bad stuff going on right now. Just go with it. Don't be a wuss and ask for help."

No wonder people consider suicide. IMO, it's time to reach out for help and call that suicide hot line mentioned above. We are merely CPAPers but somebody is always here 24-7... don't hesitate to post.

[Drowsy Dancer]

Please, please call that hotline. Issues with CPAP treatment and other health issues you may have pale by comparison.

[archangle]

Not to minimize your other problems, but a cigarette lighter adapter for your CPAP is fairly cheap.

https://www.cpap.com/productpage/dc-pow ... hines.html

[photodork]

4 years ago, i found myself in a downward spiral where as my dr called it, a perfect storm of life issues. it all seemed to be massively overwhelming.
money, school, family, homelife and 10 years of undiagnosed sleep issues all seemed to be closing in, ever so tight on me.
when i finally made the decision to see my dr and find out how to get some help, he asked me the simple question of " what's wrong greg?' and i basically had a breakdown in his office spilling my guts and tears. i needed someone, anyone to listen, and point me in some direction.

your apnea seems to be under control, but its the other issues that are grabbing at you. you need to talk to someone asap. your local crisis centre, the salvation army community services..someone.

there are people who can help you address whats going on in your life and help solve it. it isnt a terminal condition you have. its a Temporary situation.

you have to make the first step to get that help. let these folks try and help.
please.

[Todzo]

“Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are”

I have come to believe that at least a third of those in shelter deal with unstable breathing expressed as Respiratory Effort Related Arousals (RERA) and/or Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA). I say this as one who spent over two years “couch surfing” and over three years in shelters and transitional living.

First off, you must consider that your brain is not working well right now. If you are like I believe I was when in a situation similar to yours your brain is being repeatedly starved of oxygen day and night. Not only by a lack of breathing but also by often breathing too much. People understand a lack of oxygen due to not breathing. I very well understand the frustration of oxygen reaching my hungry cells due to my blood vesicles closing down due to excessive stress hormones and a lack of carbon dioxide in my blood due to breathing too much. At night the excessive breathing causes many arousals so sleep is fractured and you do not get rested.

The brain then ceases to work well. Then “Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer than They Are”.

So you now need the help of working brains to help you navigate at this point.

You need to find compassionate people who are willing to help you.

Call your local crisis line – not with the intent of finding help but with the hope of finding help.

If the urge to harm yourself becomes great do visit the ER.

I would be honest but reserved as I answer questions of those you meet from now on. The truth is that many take advantage of those in trouble. If they mine for mud, let them have none.

Trust those who have good results to show.

You may need to move to a place where social services are better. I say this because your fright levels seem high for where you write that you are right now. So perhaps those in your area are not helpful to those in need. Often the case in our nation of greed.

I was able to find those willing to supply power for my tent and places in shelter to use my PAP. If you cannot use your PAP then obtain Provent if possible. Also move your chin up and out (as if you are looking up), sleep on your side or stomach. Raise the head of the bed if possible or sleep in a recliner. These things tend to lessen apnea.

You certianly have my good will!

Todzo

[johnthomasmacdonald]

BoxedIn, crisis issues have to be dealt with first. You see being on the eve of homelessness and unable to use your cpap as the crisis, and it is. But the most immediate crisis is the depression/suicidality you're describing. (I understand that your depression is situational but it is real nonetheless.) If indeed you are feeling actively suicidal then go to the emergency room or at the very least call a suicide hotline (numbers were provided in a previous thread). You have to get some help for this before you'll be in a position to make decisions about what to do or where to go next. The hopelessness you're expressing is going to paralyze you and make it impossible for you to problem solve.

A homeless shelter is not a place where you check in and don't check out. A well-run shelter will be attempting to get you connected to local resources and support services. There are so many people needing shelter these days, homeless shelter staff would be committed to helping you move forward, not to keep you there.

This is your first visit to the forum so we know nothing about you other than the immediate crisis situation you're in. So safety first, then we'll do our best to support you with your sleep apnea/CPAP issues. We have a lot of previous threads here where people have brainstormed to help others find answers when cpap treatment appears to be successful but extreme exhaustion persists.

Please take care of yourself and if you still feel we're missing the mark, then let us know more specifically what you're asking us for. We do care.

Boxed-in, Kaiasgram is totally correct. Your view of homeless shelters is probably based on what they were like when the economy was good. In those days, the majority, but by no means ALL, of the people there were mainly suffering from mental or substance abusive problems. It's true that for these people, the homeless shelters, sadly, tend to be something of a revolving door. Then there are the people, like you, who have lost their homes due to short term problems, bankruptcy, job losses, health issues etc. Believe it or not, the system ( at least in NYC) does a pretty good job of getting these people help: housing, job training, jobs, clothing for interviews, psychological counseling etc. The people who work in shelters love to find someone like you that they can REALLY help since it is incredibly frustrating with the drug addicts and psychotics, who no amount of the kind of help they are capable of offering , makes much difference. I know of a guy right now with a Ph D in genetics from Cornell who is in a NYC homeless shelter and he continues to work as much as he can as a Math/science tutor - it just isn't enough to pay for housing in NYC, but the city is trying to find him affordable housing.

[BoxedIn]

UPDATE: I think I'm leaning towards NOT committing suicide and will tough it out. I will stay alive.
Having said that, it looks like the next few years of my life are going to be hell and I cringe at the thought.
I talked to my landlord today and explained things to him. He told me he is sorry to hear that and wishes me well,
but it's not his problem and if I don't pay the rent plus a late fee, he will begin eviction proceedings very soon
and sue me in court. I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before I have no home.

I will try to go to a homeless shelter, even though it will probably be tough in there! I would also imagine my CPAP
machine would probably get stolen there... after all, even used, the machine and mask can fetch maybe $500 or so.
Chances are one of the homeless people there will notice it and try to get some cash by stealing it.

I'm trying to be realistic. A very tired guy in a homeless shelter, it just sounds like
a miserable existence. I also don't know what to make of my loans... some are in default already. I've talked to some
banks and they have reduced and extended some of my loans, but that only goes so far before I default on those too!
I also have a few thousand left in federal student loans, which cannot be discharged in bankruptcy and are in default too.

So my credit score is shot and if I go bankrupt it stays on my report for 10 years!

I want to work. I'm 31, and I have a college degree. I'm not stupid. But my sleep apnea makes me really tired most of the time.
I cannot hold and keep a job. You need energy to work. When you feel so tired, you can't. Furthermore, most jobs also require
transportation, and I try not to drive much. I feel that if I drive a lot or have to commute a lot, I might crash due to being so sleepy.
But even if I took a bus or worked from home, I'm still too tired to do it properly.

Realistically, it looks like my life will now be living homeless, bankrupt, nasty credit score, too tired to work or do much of anything.
Yes I've decided to live and not commit suicide, but God have mercy on my soul if this is my new existence. A few years ago I was
a happy, college educated, middle class guy making $60k per year and even had a nice girlfriend. Now, it looks like I'll be a pauper
fighting to stay alive with barely a penny to my name and feeling so tired that I can't do much to change it.

[MS Gray Man]

Here's the part I don't understand. You obviously are smart. I'm glad you've decided to live. That's a good start.

I also understand that while a smart guy your brain isn't working right... Been there and done that. Had a few years of shabby reviews because of my untreated apnea... Then again I have a wife and kids that make failure not an option.

With all that said. back to what I don't understand.

Why isolate yourself and refuse to seek aid from local groups that can and would help you? OK so your credit it shot. Whoopee! I know people that make 150k a year that have credit that is thrashed.

If you ever get back on your feet, reclaim your student loans and start paying on them again... That part is easy.

Right now I'd be looking to work with the county, local groups, anyone that provides rent and other types of assistance. They are out there.

The advice you received earlier about tracking down the local emergency room, especially if there is a city or county hospital around you is good advice... They can also point you toward local groups that can help you get back on your feet.

So you HAVE to move beyond the pity party and not focus on the I'm going to be homeless, my life is going to suck... For that to happen you have to do something immediately to talk with local groups that can help.

If you don't do something NOW then your prophecy will come true. You know where waiting and doing nothing new will lead, so take a chance? Make some calls?

[49er]

Boxed In,

Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing.

Again, all your feelings are totally understandable and I don't see it as having a pity party. It sounds like you are understandably grieving at your losses.

If you go to a homeless shelter, maybe the staff can lock up your machine during the day? Just a thought.

And again, I would look into contacting the Salvation army to see if they can hook you up with various aid groups. You're probably quite overwhelmed right now with a brain that isn't working right. While thankfully, I am not in your financial situation, I do understand not having a functioning brain as someone who hasn't yet adapted to pap therapy.

Hang in there.

49er