Trying Hard Not to Commit Suicide

ems · Post by **ems** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:11 pm

Some thoughts: have you checked into unemployment? family that could put you up for awhile? Sending positive thoughts your way.

Pugsy · Post by **Pugsy** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:17 pm

What do you want me or the rest of us to do?

Help you give up? I can't force you to answer my simple questions and trust me...your plight was not lost on me but your inability to even answer the simplest of questions which might shed a light on things...speaks volumes to your ability or willingness to help yourself.
If you can't help yourself then there is nothing I can do.

I don't mean to sound harsh because we all get to have our pity parties and you certainly have a reason to have one but if you don't want help and you only want to have a chance to tell us how bad things are...then go ahead but there's nothing I can offer except a pat on the back and tell you how sorry I am that you have to face this situation.

If you are in such a deep dark place that you can't see the hands being held out to you to try to help you in the only way people on a forum can help...then you need to get some serious professional help.

I thought by coming here you wanted help in some form to maybe get things turned around.

BoxedIn · Post by **BoxedIn** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:17 pm

ems wrote:Some thoughts: have you checked into unemployment? family that could put you up for awhile? Sending positive thoughts your way.

I was on unemployment then it ran out. You can only get that for a limited time.
Both my parents are dead (car crash) and I'm an only child. I do you have an aunt and uncle but
they live in New Zealand, and then I have another uncle but he's an alcoholic so I don't think
he would be of any help.

BoxedIn · Post by **BoxedIn** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:23 pm

Pugsy wrote:What do you want me or the rest of us to do?

Help you give up? I can't force you to answer my simple questions and trust me...your plight was not lost on me but your inability to even answer the simplest of questions which might shed a light on things...speaks volumes to your ability or willingness to help yourself.
If you can't help yourself then there is nothing I can do.

I don't mean to sound harsh because we all get to have our pity parties and you certainly have a reason to have one but if you don't want help and you only want to have a chance to tell us how bad things are...then go ahead but there's nothing I can offer except a pat on the back and tell you how sorry I am that you have to face this situation.

If you are in such a deep dark place that you can't see the hands being held out to you to try to help you in the only way people on a forum can help...then you need to get some serious professional help.

I thought by coming here you wanted help in some form to maybe get things turned around.

you asked me questions about how long I sleep, if my sleep is fragmented, what my sleep data looks like.
As I explained, this is no longer relevant because in a matter of weeks I will be homeless. You can't use a CPAP
when you live in the street. Now do you understand? You can look at my Sleepyhead data and tell me this or that
(altho I am well familiar with SH and my AHI is low, no centrals, no leak problem)... but even then, that doesn't stop
me from living in the street with no where to use a CPAP.

That is the point Pugsy. I thank you for your time, I appreciate it. It's just that after 3 months of CPAP, talking about
changes or effectiveness is not relevant because pretty soon I will be homeless and I'm broke and thus unable
to continue using CPAP, even though it has not helped me one bit except for waking up less to use the restroom.

49er · Post by **49er** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:30 pm

Boxed In,

I thought I posted but I guess I didn't. My heart goes out to you as an FYI.

When I volunteered at a homeless shelter which I had to give up due to having apnea and not feeling safe in driving (I do understand your dilemma), this particular one had a very active program to get people back on their feet and living independently. I was very impressed.

So don't assume going to homeless shelter is going to be a losing a battle. I am not going to lie and say it is a bed of roses. But it could be your best option if there is a decent one nearby.

As previously suggested, you might want to contact the Salvation army. A month ago, I was at a dinner and talked to two SA employees whom I found very impressive. They were quite caring and I will bet that is what you would find.

Also, suicide hotlines have many resources that could be of use to you. Please contact one. In my opinion, that is a great option.

I know your situation seems hopeless and I do understand why you would feel that way. But getting in touch with people who care will help you get past those feelings. Please contact someone now.

49er

Pugsy · Post by **Pugsy** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:31 pm

BoxedIn wrote:Now do you understand?

I actually understood it from the beginning. I was offering help in the only way I know to offer.
You don't want it. That's fine. I wish you the best of luck and if you are really in this deep dark place...go get some professional help.

NotLazyJustTired · Post by **NotLazyJustTired** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:36 pm

You are at the end of your rope. I know what that is like. Living in poverty. Not knowing where your next meal is coming from. Relying on others to keep you up.

Things change. Nothing is permanent. But you have to believe that things can change.

You may have to do some things that sound repugnant and unacceptable now, but they are necessary. Get some professional help. Suicide is not the answer. A life in the streets is not inevitable. Give it a chance.

You have hit rock bottom. The best part of this is that the only way to go is back up. Please, please get yourself some help. The future You will thank you later. Stop thinking about it, just do it.

STL Mark · Post by **STL Mark** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:36 pm

The social services people at your local hospital can assist you in delaying your eviction. You have received good advise here. Go to the nearest hospital. It appears that you do not want to give up or you would not be writing in a forum.

The ball is in your court. You can argue with each of us, or get help.

cosmo · Post by **cosmo** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:38 pm

Good luck to you.

kaiasgram · Post by **kaiasgram** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:40 pm

BoxedIn, crisis issues have to be dealt with first. You see being on the eve of homelessness and unable to use your cpap as the crisis, and it is. But the most immediate crisis is the depression/suicidality you're describing. (I understand that your depression is situational but it is real nonetheless.) If indeed you are feeling actively suicidal then go to the emergency room or at the very least call a suicide hotline (numbers were provided in a previous thread). You have to get some help for this before you'll be in a position to make decisions about what to do or where to go next. The hopelessness you're expressing is going to paralyze you and make it impossible for you to problem solve.

A homeless shelter is not a place where you check in and don't check out. A well-run shelter will be attempting to get you connected to local resources and support services. There are so many people needing shelter these days, homeless shelter staff would be committed to helping you move forward, not to keep you there.

This is your first visit to the forum so we know nothing about you other than the immediate crisis situation you're in. So safety first, then we'll do our best to support you with your sleep apnea/CPAP issues. We have a lot of previous threads here where people have brainstormed to help others find answers when cpap treatment appears to be successful but extreme exhaustion persists.

Please take care of yourself and if you still feel we're missing the mark, then let us know more specifically what you're asking us for. We do care.

chunkyfrog · Post by **chunkyfrog** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:40 pm

As I understand it, the only people who get turned away from homeless shelters are those
who use drugs or alcohol, or are violent.
You might also talk to faith-based organizations like the Salvation Army.
Some may even be able to direct you to free help about your stress and depression.

n0hardmask · Post by **n0hardmask** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:41 pm

BoxedIn wrote: I was on unemployment then it ran out. You can only get that for a limited time.
Both my parents are dead (car crash) and I'm an only child. I do you have an aunt and uncle but
they live in New Zealand, and then I have another uncle but he's an alcoholic so I don't think
he would be of any help.

This has become a busy thread with folks trying to give you some sound advice. Several of us have suggested you seek help now for your emotional issues. Suggest you read/reread viewtopic.php?f=1&t=87711&st=0&sk=t&sd=a#p801778 and check the Serenity link in my signature below. Your situation is difficult but not unique. Get some help.

Loreena · Post by **Loreena** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:43 pm

BoxedIn,

My mom has worked for the Salvation Army for years. They are an absolutely wonderful organization and will definitely help you--no need to despair. Please contact them--that's what they're their for.

http://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/www ... 4C006FE670

khauser · Post by **khauser** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 1:44 pm

BoxedIn wrote:Thank you for your comments, but I feel an important point is being missed. I could completely rule out suicide, that can be done,
but either way I'm going to be homeless very soon, and already flat broke, deep in debt.

That is the biggest problem here. I would probably have to spend the rest of my life in a homeless shelter because I don't think
sleep apnea just goes away on its own. I'll still be too tired to hold a job. I don't know what I'm going to do at Salvation Army
with a CPAP machine, and even then like I said I've used it for 92 days without missing a day, 8 hours per night, very low AHI,
and still feel dog tired.

Do you see how I'm in a bind? The CPAP machine has no helped after all this time, and if I go to a homeless shelter I don't know
how I'll ever get out since I'll be just as tired as before. Unless by some miracle I get more energy while in the homeless shelter, which
is quite unlikely given the circumstances. So the best case scenario that is realistic is I'll be living forever in a homeless shelter or my
car, very tired. Because sleep apnea does not go away on it own and because if I've had no relief from CPAP now, I don't see how using
it in a homeless shelter surrounded by homeless people is going to help.

This all presumes (I think incorrectly) that the problem begins and ends with CPAP. It does not. You do need CPAP, but you've got more going on. Pugsy is right, though ... we can't know for sure how well your OSA is controlled until you share that data with us.

As for the pressing problems, here are some cold hard facts:

In most communities if you are renting from a commercial landlord you just can't be tossed out that easily. Other situations differ a lot depending on where you live. But assume you will be tossed out and have to live in a shelter. Why is that permanent in your mind? Wherever you have to stay you'll still need to work on the root problems to move forward, but move forward you can! If a doctor found some rare reason that this could not get better, you would qualify for permanent disability, and it may not be the life you expected but you would still live and be able to contribute and have fun.
Wherever you live there are programs to help those without an income for whatever reason. People are abusing these programs in absurd ways ... you should not feel bad about using them for their actual intended purpose!
Nothing is going to get better unless YOU take responsibility to make it happen. I am NOT saying you've failed to do so. I'm saying you have to KEEP doing so.

No matter where you sleep, aside from the sidewalk, there are ways to power your CPAP.

What did you do before you lost your job? What if you had a 4 hour shift, came home and slept, and then had another 4 hour shift? Would that work? Could you find 1 or 2 jobs like that? At least to tide you over???

Reenee · Post by **Reenee** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 2:15 pm

Do you have any family?
Can you stay with them for a while and figure out how you can work from home, then get your own place again later?

It sounds like you are disabled. If so, you should be getting some social security disability. If your landlord can wait, and the utility companies can wait, there are social services that can assist you. I'm not saying it is easy, it is in itself a full time job procuring these services, no small task.
Once you get those pieces in place, then you can return to school and get a job/career that you can work around your disabilities.

The others giving you the advice to seek help from the emergency rooms are the best place to start. Sounds to me that once you get an income, you can concentrate on getting well. Then you can concentrate on making adjustments to make your life work out. Life is so not easy. But, please don't give up. My heart breaks each day from the loss of my son who passed a little over 2 years ago. He would have been 32. My son did not take his own life, but he did not take good care of himself. He had some disabilities that he refused to acknowledge, and I'm afraid I was never able to help him, he was not able to really listen. I loved him so very much. I will tell you what I always told him. His life was indeed challenging, but I always encouraged him to put one foot in front of the other and he always seemed to enjoy hearing that. Trying not to be cliche, but for the love of God, step out of that box. Take a chance. Then another, and another......

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