Sleeping with a partner who wears CPAP

[idamtnboy]

Idam and John... you both sound like the idiots you are!

I sleep with a mask also so what's the point?! This woman is attempting to adjust to sleeping with someone who needs and wears a mask. A little kind support wouldn't kill either of you.

Do you think either of you said something constructive? Gross alert is right on!

You very well may be right! The OP quite possibly is just plain angry. She is seeing her, up to now, comfortable life with her hubby being permanently disrupted. She also sees her hubby's life being permanently disrupted. It's quite understandable if she is in fact angry at having to deal with a dramatic change.

On the other hand, she may be a bit of a selfish person who is focusing on her own situation. Her difficulty with adjusting to the CPAP life is an inconvenience. If her hubby were to suffer a stroke or whatever from untreated apnea, that would be a problem. I'm hoping she can differentiate between an inconvenience and a problem. Sometimes a person has to be hit hard to wake them up. This may be one of those cases, and then again, maybe not.

She really hasn't explained herself well enough for us to know which is the best way to respond, a sympathetic hug, or a bit of tough love.

Let's hope she is woman enough to survive the bashings, and stay here and explain a little more rationally what she really wants. Does she want to learn to cope with her hubby's CPAP, or is she looking for reasons to declare it a waste of time and money. I wish we knew.

[lisacaice]

humm

[johnthomasmacdonald]

In ALL honesty, I really do believe that if you find wearing a cpap mask a problem in the person you supposedly love and plan to make a life with - you SHOULD DUMP THEM - do both of you a favor. My wife is extraordinarily beautiful, really, if any of you ever meet me you can confirm the truth of what i'm writing, she's Heidi Klum attractive and we've been together for over 20 years but from the first day i met her, i couldn't have cared less what she looked like, she's the best person i've ever met and life without her is inconceivable ( that's probably why she went for me since i'm nothing special to look at). If my wife grew a second head it wouldn't bother me except for the fact that it would bother her. wearing a cpap mask is NOTHING compared what the future can AND WILL throw at you. The fact that you can't deal with it indicates that you really don't love the person, if you did, you'd love the cpap mask since you knew it was keeping your loved one alive.

[49er]

She really hasn't explained herself well enough for us to know which is the best way to respond, a sympathetic hug, or a bit of tough love.

Let's hope she is woman enough to survive the bashings, and stay here and explain a little more rationally what she really wants. Does she want to learn to cope with her hubby's CPAP, or is she looking for reasons to declare it a waste of time and money. I wish we knew.

Personally, I wouldn't be spending time on a board where people were bashing me.

I just don't understand what is so hard about giving people the benefit of the doubt. It is like people are guilty until proven innocent on this board and that really bothers me.

49er

[BlackSpinner]

Personally, I wouldn't be spending time on a board where people were bashing me.

I just don't understand what is so hard about giving people the benefit of the doubt. It is like people are guilty until proven innocent on this board and that really bothers me.

49er

Her own words condemned her. Walking 12 feet to solve her issues is not acceptable, That she didn't want to think of marriage because she can't sleep with his arms around her. READ her posts - all of the post!.
Many of us have heard that "me me" whine. Her partner is having problems with his therapy. - does she ask for help for him? No she only whined about her own issues. SHE DIDN'T ASK FOR HELP! Major health issues versus slight inconvenience.

[SleepingUgly]

He's not her husband:

I think our relationship can survive that, but I also don't know that I want to marry a man who can't wrap his arms around me at night.

She also said

since he started using it, I haven't had a decent night of sleep.

We've given the benefit of the doubt to irritable/gloomy sleep deprived folks, so probably their sleep deprived partners should qualify as well.

For those who see her partner's needs as top priority, running her off the board won't help her support him any better.

[Janknitz]

If the OP is still around, it would help to know what mask her boyfriend is using.

When the vent is on the elbow of the mask as it is for many nasal pillow masks, hanging the hose overhead can eliminate the problem by reorienting the vent so that it blows up and away from a sleeping partner. The machine might be more quiet if placed on a foam pad--like the ones used for kneeling in the garden. It may be vibrating the surface it's on, causing more noise and the kneepad would dampen the sound.

Also, if you search for the "Lab Rat" awards thread, there is a hack that involves putting some material (I forget what, exactly, I think it's like plastic scrubbie material) to diffuse the venting. This has to be done with EXTREME caution because if the venting is blocked, CO2 can build up in the mask and cause the mask wearer to suffocate.

I don't know if her boyfriend is this way, but I typically sleep on one side only. Fortunately, that's facing away from my husband. But if it was facing toward him, simply switching sides of the bed would have solved the problem.

And yes, spooning may be done by either partner. So that physical contact need not be lost.

[xenablue]

Partner and I are still in very early adjustment stages with CPAP. He hasn't found a set up that seems to work for him and since he started using it, I haven't had a decent night of sleep. If he had a solution that improved his sleep and health, I wouldn't mind that I'm sleeping in the living room for it. Since it doesn't work for him yet, it's hard not to feel like this (purposeless) evil machine has forced itself between us.

I am currently sleeping on a mattress in our living room due to the noise and exhaust keeping me up. I sincerely hope he gets a machine/mask setup that improves his life --- he has gone from a very high functioning person to someone with debilitating sleep issues. I won't be able to cohabit with him any longer if we don't figure something out though --- his sleep machine keeping me up is going to put my career at risk, which I can't have. If he finds a CPAP solution that really improves his sleep, we will likely need to move to a bigger house so we can have separate bedrooms. I think our relationship can survive that, but I also don't know that I want to marry a man who can't wrap his arms around me at night.

My husband is an extremely light sleeper, so I was concerned about your same issues - at first. Firstly, he has slept with a box fan going all night, long before I came along, so that solved any noise from my machine, exhaust, etc. Even I can't hear it once the fan's turned on.

Secondly, we changed sides in our bed. We USED to sleep facing each other in our cali king bed, so both had plenty of our own space. Because I was concerned about him (he feels the cold more than me), we changed sides so that we would still be sleeping on the same sides (of our bodies) and the mask would face away from him.

Thirdly - intimacy is what you make of it - think positively, not negatively. The mask/machine is only for sleeping, you can't do the horizontal foxtrot when you're alseep - well, I can't anyway. Spooning works both ways, so no reason not to cuddle. Be creative - thin outside the machine.

Also - many of us have careers which are very important to us, and are grateful there is XPAP to help us get decent sleep and give us a good chance of waking up every morning. As much as I resent having to sleep with this contraption, it sure as heck beats the alternative......

Don't make him choose a mask to make you happy. It's freakin' hard enough to sleep with this crap strapped to your face as it is without having to add another 'must have' to the mix.

Just hang in there and read a lot here - you'll get it worked out if you have patience, perseverence and compassion.

Cheers,
xena

[patrissimo]

To all the posters who think the OP is just trying to solve the issues fairly, are not reading all of her post. A good relationship means both people matter, but in this case I don't think this woman cares at all about her husband. If she did she would have educated herself about the illness and know that CPAP machines are not purposeless.....and I quote

"I feel like this (purposeless) evil machine has forced itself between us."

That's a hell of a statement to make and it says a lot about what this person thinks about her partners illness.

You seem to be missing the context. What she said was:

If he had a solution that improved his sleep and health, I wouldn't mind that I'm sleeping in the living room for it. Since it doesn't work for him yet, it's hard not to feel like this (purposeless) evil machine has forced itself between us.

In other words, if CPAP worked for him, she would have no problem, but it doesn't, at least not yet. But having a machine that disturbs her sleep, while not fixing his, well, I can see how that would be a problem.

[JO'M]

CPAP is a huge life adjustment for most of us, stands to reason it would also be a huge adjustment for the sleeping partner.
Yes, we have to sleep with a machine and a mask strapped to our faces but it also means changes and compromises for the partner.

[flutterby11]

Have you ever thought maybe she can't walk twelve feet. My husband and I live in a ONE bedroom apartment and I have been extremely lucky that he has been able to deal with everything. She also said purposeless machine probably because he too hasn't found the right set up and mask. Maybe when he figures that out she will see how much of an advantage it is. Bashing her is not going to help her. If anything it is going to make her have an even bigger grudge and hate for the treatment and her significant other. Being only 24 and my husband 27 and being diagnosed with severe OSAI definitely understand the struggles and issues that she is worried about. Quit bashing her and help her, that is in fact what she came here for. She didn't come her for people to tell her to leave him, she obviously loves him enough to try and figure it out, or else she wouldn't have asked. This website is for help not for bullying. This is a transition period for both parties not just the one with sleep apnea. I've been holding out saying anything on this post for days but I just couldn't do it anymore. If you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all. Ok, I'm done venting. God bless!

[Unknown]

I think many of you CPAP wearers are horrible...like sleep apnea gives you some superiority over those who do not have it. It almost seems like you are trying to convince yourselves that the mask is meaningless. You talk of finding the correct mask, it takes time, patience, and effort to do so. Well, it takes the same to adapt to a partner wearing one. That doesn't make a person shallow, not supportive, or not truly loving. This change has disrupted two people's lives and the CPAP wearer's is not more important than their partner. Sleep apnea causes sleep problems, now the equipment is causing sleep issues for the partner...why does this not matter? It doesn't make someone shallow to admit this. There is a loss of intimacy, the mask does put distance (no matter how much) between two people, it isn't sexy (and appearance does play a part of attraction, no denying that), it is hard to cuddle with tubing in the bed, and there is noise. I, and I don't believe the OP, said these were deal breakers, but they are reality and take time to adapt. Someone came here looking for help, as did I and I am appalled by the majority of responses. You were needlessly harsh and cruel. Perhaps your partner's had similar feelings but were unable to tell you smug CPAP wearers so...I wouldn't be surprised they would be afraid to with your attitudes!

[ChicagoGranny]

It doesn't make someone shallow to admit this.

I have to agree with you. It doesn't make you shallow. You were already shallow and now you put it on display.

[Unknown]

You are ignorant, Granny. Having an attraction, or not, doesn't make a person shallow. What makes them shallow is allowing this feeling to overrule all other aspects of a person and acting accordingly.

[Julie]

Put the mask on AFTER sex, cuddling, whatever. And remember it's life and death to the wearer, just a nuisance adjustment to you!