Sleeping with a partner who wears CPAP

ChicagoGranny wrote:

Unknown wrote: It doesn't make someone shallow to admit this.

I have to agree with you. It doesn't make you shallow. You were already shallow and now you put it on display.

shallow as a damp spot on hot pavement.

Unknown wrote:I think many of you CPAP wearers are horrible...like sleep apnea gives you some superiority over those who do not have it. It almost seems like you are trying to convince yourselves that the mask is meaningless. You talk of finding the correct mask, it takes time, patience, and effort to do so. Well, it takes the same to adapt to a partner wearing one. That doesn't make a person shallow, not supportive, or not truly loving. This change has disrupted two people's lives and the CPAP wearer's is not more important than their partner. Sleep apnea causes sleep problems, now the equipment is causing sleep issues for the partner...why does this not matter? It doesn't make someone shallow to admit this. There is a loss of intimacy, the mask does put distance (no matter how much) between two people, it isn't sexy (and appearance does play a part of attraction, no denying that), it is hard to cuddle with tubing in the bed, and there is noise. I, and I don't believe the OP, said these were deal breakers, but they are reality and take time to adapt. Someone came here looking for help, as did I and I am appalled by the majority of responses. You were needlessly harsh and cruel. Perhaps your partners had similar feelings but were unable to tell you smug CPAP wearers so...I wouldn't be surprised they would be afraid to with your attitudes!

Aaaaawwwww......you POOR BABY.......
I pity your poor "partner". He/she must be living a tortured existence with you.
On top of that, you apparently haven't even bothered to educate yourself with this therapy or the consequences of not using it. And, you don't give a damn about his/her health.

My advice is to go sleep in another bedroom or on the couch, you self-centered, narcissistic bitch. (whatever gender you are)
Your "partner" needs to sleep in peace.


Den

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"Smug" Cpap wearers?

Do you seriously think we like wearing the damn things? We do it (many/most of us) so that our kids' parents will go on to raise them, so that our partners won't have to bury us, so that we can continue working, driving, playing, and loving. So if you can manage to get out of your own cave for one minute, try wearing a mask for one night, do it with air being blown in, and do it even if it messes up your hair, leaves marks in your face, and (OMG!) if you have to put up with someone like you complaining about a little vented CO2 in the space, who is so shallow they no longer recognize you because you put on a mask for a few hrs and are no longer sexy. Sheezus.

Unknown wrote:I think many of you CPAP wearers are horrible...like sleep apnea gives you some superiority over those who do not have it. It almost seems like you are trying to convince yourselves that the mask is meaningless. You talk of finding the correct mask, it takes time, patience, and effort to do so. Well, it takes the same to adapt to a partner wearing one. That doesn't make a person shallow, not supportive, or not truly loving. This change has disrupted two people's lives and the CPAP wearer's is not more important than their partner. Sleep apnea causes sleep problems, now the equipment is causing sleep issues for the partner...why does this not matter? It doesn't make someone shallow to admit this. There is a loss of intimacy, the mask does put distance (no matter how much) between two people, it isn't sexy (and appearance does play a part of attraction, no denying that), it is hard to cuddle with tubing in the bed, and there is noise. I, and I don't believe the OP, said these were deal breakers, but they are reality and take time to adapt. Someone came here looking for help, as did I and I am appalled by the majority of responses. You were needlessly harsh and cruel. Perhaps your partner's had similar feelings but were unable to tell you smug CPAP wearers so...I wouldn't be surprised they would be afraid to with your attitudes!

For petes sake don't put the mask on till all the playing is over and you want to go to sleep, its simple. Cuddle till the wee hours then mask up and go to sleep. There ARE ways around what you are talking about, just some are too blinded by their own needs...

This is why I said smug...not one word was uttered about not using the CPAP, about it not being the healthy thing to do, about it not saving lives...NOT ONE WORD! The adjustment was simply asked about. And there is an adjustment for both parties. And there is nothing wrong with learning how to adapt. I believe that was the point of the original question. Your attack on two people who have asked for help was vicious and unnecessary. It is truly sad when someone asks for help with something and are treated this way. By the way, I am a female (bitch) married to a man who is 125 pounds overweight and that hasn't stopped my attraction to him. I am far from shallow, I simply asked for constructive ideas from experienced users.

Shame on those of you who answered with venom.

Thank you.

Unknown wrote:This is why I said smug...not one word was uttered about not using the CPAP, about it not being the healthy thing to do, about it not saving lives...NOT ONE WORD! The adjustment was simply asked about. And there is an adjustment for both parties. And there is nothing wrong with learning how to adapt. I believe that was the point of the original question. Your attack on two people who have asked for help was vicious and unnecessary. It is truly sad when someone asks for help with something and are treated this way. By the way, I am a female (bitch) married to a man who is 125 pounds overweight and that hasn't stopped my attraction to him. I am far from shallow, I simply asked for constructive ideas from experienced users.

Shame on those of you who answered with venom.

Thank you.

I have no idea what you're implying there. It can be DEADLY for the user to stop using it. It DOES save lives. I personally have knowledge of people who were regular users who died when they stopped using it......even for one night's sleep (their last).

You had only ONE question in that whole diatribe........

Sleep apnea causes sleep problems, now the equipment is causing sleep issues for the partner...why does this not matter?

And, even it was a "poor me" narcissistic one.

Grow up and stop thinking of only yourself!

Den

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Unknown wrote:This is why I said smug...not one word was uttered about not using the CPAP, about it not being the healthy thing to do, about it not saving lives...NOT ONE WORD! The adjustment was simply asked about. And there is an adjustment for both parties. And there is nothing wrong with learning how to adapt. I believe that was the point of the original question. Your attack on two people who have asked for help was vicious and unnecessary. It is truly sad when someone asks for help with something and are treated this way. By the way, I am a female (bitch) married to a man who is 125 pounds overweight and that hasn't stopped my attraction to him. I am far from shallow, I simply asked for constructive ideas from experienced users.

Shame on those of you who answered with venom.

Thank you.

I'm reluctant to toot my own horn, but I think what I present here in this thread will help. viewtopic/t61785/Especially-for-newly-d ... hange.html. It's in the Announcements section.

Do you ever read Carolyn Hax's column? It's interesting how often someone writes to her supposedly asking for advice but instead all they really want is affirmation for their own distraught and negative feelings, and at times for the high and mighty self righteous answer they've already come up with. Carolyn will point blank tell them they are dead wrong and need to get a grip on the reality of people and their feelings and situations. In the case of this 2 1/2 year old thread we never did figure out whether the OP was really asking for help, or for affirmation of her negative feelings.

And by the way, if you haven't already figured it out, we don't take kindly to anyone bashing CPAP users. It sure as hell is not the first choice of any of us as a way to live. That's why we come across as deaf to the "woo is me" complaints of the affected non-CPAP users. It's not always deserved, but sometimes it is. We just can't tell the difference so often err in the direction of deafness.

Unknown wrote: I am far from shallow, I simply asked for constructive ideas from experienced users..

maybe you're not shallow, maybe you're just ignorant.

the machines made this decade are almost silent. I can't even hear my partners going if the house AC is also running.

there are a number of masks that have diffusers on the vent, so instead of a jet of cold air, it's just a gentle waft that you have to be right up against to even feel.

we both use cpap, we both use p10 masks, we cuddle, we kiss. we hug. we sleep face to face sometimes, arms around each other.

what IS your problem, all you've done is make vague bitching... maybe if you stated what your "problem" was, (oh, and stopped lurking in the shadows hiding behind "unknown", like a weasel troll) someone could offer you some 'constructive ideas'.

There was no implication. I agree that is is a life saver and necessary and makes for a better night sleep. Those points were not argued. The OP was told that her sleep is not as important, that is why I asked my question. Is it necessary to attack someone for simply speaking differently than you do? Couldn't we have been answered with kindness and courtesy? We did not put anybody down, or say that the CPAP is not important. We simply said it is an adjustment, like it is for the wearer...not more or less important.

Why all the meanness, insults, and anger?

And thank you to the few who did answer the question with courtesy and a true sense of helping.

Ok, maybe we're a bit defensive (yours not being the first note of its kind), and maybe the way you worded your OP was not as clear to us relative to the need for Cpap as it could have been (have you re-read your first line?), or the first response to your note was less understanding than it could have been and we all piled on... Whatever, we're not stupid or insensitive and have partners ourselves (those of us that do), it's just that a stronger acknowledgment from you and others in similar boats in your (first) notes - that you care about your bedmates' health and want to be part of the solution - might have gone such a long way, and then you could have said that "wanting to help, I need to get some sleep too, and would love to hear from others what tricks they've used", which would have made us want to share, rather than slam. There's a way to approach stuff, and sometimes a second reading before hitting submit would help.

I am concerned that the therapy isn't working for her partner. I think she should know that this is a learning process and can take awhile. Experimenting and trying new things to optimize therapy and comfort is important. It isn't usually an easy and short road, but it can be done. I made numerous small changes and it improved my therapy and improved my partners sleep. I bought and now use a hose cover. I use a hose hanger so that the hose is overhead. This redirects the exhaust vent and I can roll over without waking up now. I placed a shelf between my mattress and box spring and placed my APAP on the shelf. This reduced the noise of the machine for me and my partner. I changed masks until I found one that didn't leak. Leaks woke me and him up. Etc. Etc.

These are all adjustments that took time. I was very lucky. My partner was amazing. He was excited that I was working on getting healthier. He was patient and gracious when I was experimenting. He now reports that he sleeps better too. We have better sleep hygiene and he loves that I no longer snore.

To the OP- I hope you and your partner can keep experimenting until his therapy is effective. I hope you can be patient enough with this forum to stick around and find your answers. I did find many of my answers here, much with the help of the gracious and generous assistance of forum participants.

Best Wishes!

Unknown wrote:There was no implication. I agree that is is a life saver and necessary and makes for a better night sleep. Those points were not argued. The OP was told that her sleep is not as important, that is why I asked my question. Is it necessary to attack someone for simply speaking differently than you do? Couldn't we have been answered with kindness and courtesy? We did not put anybody down, or say that the CPAP is not important. We simply said it is an adjustment, like it is for the wearer...not more or less important.

Why all the meanness, insults, and anger?

Really? I beg to differ. But, you've now seemed to have softened your points of view a bit. (which is good)

Rereading the whole thread, I came to the conclusion that everyone had really been trying to be very helpful to the (original) OP until she came back for her second post (quoted below) in which she characterized the therapy as "purposeless" and the machine as "evil" and that it had "forced itself between us". Bad choice of words for this crowd.

You need to consider that we XPAP users are passionate about our therapy and the benefits we've derived from using it. We've had to sacrifice some things in our lives, too. But, our "lives" wouldn't be worth living if we had to continue trying to exist without this therapy. There are a number of words that tend to put us on the defensive and it may not be pleasant for those who try to diminish the value and benefits of this therapy.

imdreaming wrote:Partner and I are still in very early adjustment stages with CPAP. He hasn't found a set up that seems to work for him and since he started using it, I haven't had a decent night of sleep. If he had a solution that improved his sleep and health, I wouldn't mind that I'm sleeping in the living room for it. Since it doesn't work for him yet, it's hard not to feel like this (purposeless) evil machine has forced itself between us.

I am currently sleeping on a mattress in our living room due to the noise and exhaust keeping me up. I sincerely hope he gets a machine/mask setup that improves his life --- he has gone from a very high functioning person to someone with debilitating sleep issues. I won't be able to cohabit with him any longer if we don't figure something out though --- his sleep machine keeping me up is going to put my career at risk, which I can't have. If he finds a CPAP solution that really improves his sleep, we will likely need to move to a bigger house so we can have separate bedrooms. I think our relationship can survive that, but I also don't know that I want to marry a man who can't wrap his arms around me at night.

Den

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Thinking about your sad lack of creativity when it comes to being able to make love... how you've apparently let the thing overtake your whole life without having been able to make lemonade or omelets. Do him a favor, take your career and leave.

Wouldn't be ironic if "unknown" was diagnosed with SA and had trouble adapting to her mask.