My husband is an a$$hole seriously!

So Well wrote:Africa...

Gone.

robysue wrote:Buffalo...

Gone.

greatunclebill wrote:Florida...

Gone.

Pugsy wrote:Missouri...

In appreciation for leaving the Big 12, that's where the asteroid hit.

So instead of "The Show-Me State", it is now "The BF Hole in the Ground State".

I have only read the, uh, tail end of this thread, so I'm confused.

Does it have something to do with someone's spouse paying money for an asteroid to make a serious hole in the ground somewhere out in PA?

I have to ask, 'cause sometimes my wife says I don't know my butt from . . .

Well, never mind.

I agree that watching our language is a good idea, though, venting or not. My mommy taught me not to read sites that use certain naughty words, and I don't want to have to stop reading at CPAPtalk.com.

jnk wrote:My mommy taught me not to read sites that use certain naughty words, and I don't want to have to stop reading at CPAPtalk.com.

My mommy taught me to cuss like a sailor. Driving with my friends in the car, my mom would be flipping the bird to other drivers and my friends would look at me with a mix of shock and awe on their faces. I set up a system where I charged my parents .25 cents each time they cussed, and if we'd have kept it going, I'm pretty sure I could have paid for college myself.

Now I'm the hypocritical parent telling my kids "suck", "loser", "liar" are not appropriate words, all the while dropping the F bomb as soon as they are out of earshot.

mzlaura1884 wrote:It's like he doesn't care and is just plain disrespectful. He actually asked me to figure out a different place to put my machine so he could continue to put his beer and water there... he said that is why i have a carry bag. Yes i have a carry bag but who wants to take apart their machine every night including dumping the water, unplugging stuff and put it away all so that he may have his 1 spot for beer in our bedroom.

This did not sound like a reasonable request on his part. Clearly there is something else going on here.

mzlaura1884 wrote:I talked a little about it today with him and made him know how hurt i felt and he is like i do care yeah i don't know about that anymore.. he said he just thinks it's a waste because i told him i am still having episodes so he automatically thinks the machine isn't working i explained to him like taking tylenol it make help relieve some symptoms but you are likely still going to be in some sort of pain.. i mean am i right?

Although he's probably not interested in the actual explanation, it may help you to think of xCPAP as less like Tylenol that only relieves some symptoms and more like a splint. Technically, I think it's considered an air splint--the pressurized air holds your throat open. But it takes a while to get used to using the machine, in the same way it takes to get used to wearing a splint on your arm. It also takes time to heal. Even with perfectly titrated treatment many of us saw improvement in our health occur gradually. For myself, I started feeling a bit better right away, but as the months went by I started feeling much much better.

I don't recall from your post whether you have a data-capable machine or not. You could, theoretically, show him the data. You are probably best off just educating yourself as much as possible about your own treatment for now and not wasting your time trying to educate someone who doesn't want to know. Over time, if the two of you are still together, he may come around when he sees the real improvement--better energy, more productiveness, and so on. Don't hold your breath on this one.

I would commend any parent who helps her kids think through the importance of making respectful word choices. A wise man once said that it is what comes out of a man that defiles him. We can't always choose what we hear, but there can be great personal satisfaction in liking our own choices of what we say and how we say it.

As for machine vs. spouse, my wife considers it an act of love on my part for me to use use a machine that keeps me from waking her up with any snoring. It's as much about her quality of life as it is about mine.

Why when he spoke to you did you refuse to answer? Then post 'HAHA'? Are you also disrespectful to him?? Disrespect may be mutual.

I don't understand why there is so much emphasize on the words of the OP and not on her problem.

Why does he need a place for a bottle of beer in the BEDROOM??!! He sounds simply insensitive to me and I don't care what she called him on this forum. I just know that she needs help.

There are, obviously, more problems here than the cpap machine. The OP is new to this and, as we all know very well, she is tired, frustrated, and struggling with her therapy -- with no support from her spouse. This makes the whole situation even worse. I doubt he is supportive in anything else either.

Stop picking on her and judging how she expressed herself. That's the last thing that she needs! Offer help, if you can. She probably needs help with the whole relationship and we can't fix that. He should be accommodating her right now - not being concerned about where he will put his beer!

Hawthorne wrote:I don't understand why there is so much emphasize on the words of the OP and not on her problem.

Why does he need a place for a bottle of beer in the BEDROOM??!! He sounds simply insensitive to me and I don't care what she called him on this forum. I just know that she needs help.

There are, obviously, more problems here than the cpap machine. The OP is new to this and, as we all know very well, she is tired, frustrated, and struggling with her therapy -- with no support from her spouse. This makes the whole situation even worse. I doubt he is supportive in anything else either.

Stop picking on her and judging how she expressed herself. That's the last thing that she needs! Offer help, if you can. She probably needs help with the whole relationship and we can't fix that. He should be accommodating her right now - not being concerned about where he will put his beer!

I agree completely.

I just now read the whole thread. Guess I shoulda done that in the first place. Lazy me! All the asteroid stuff must've thrown me off.

Glad OP vented here, even if not my personal favorite word choice, which is frankly what kept me from reading the post before.

I guess it can be difficult for a man who doesn't understand OSA or CPAP to willingly accept or respect what can feel to him like a third party in the bedroom--a mechanical one at that. There can be some underlying resentment and fear and jealousy on a deep level, maybe. Or at least that's what Dr. Phil might say.

Western medicine does have an iffy reputation in many places in the world. I once had a long conversation with a European couple who resisted the idea of CPAP because they thought it was some kind of American-Australian money-making conspiracy gone haywire. When I pointed out the number of German experts in the field of sleep medicine who were fully on board, they were genuinely surprised by it and were willing to take a second look. (They weren't German, themselves, but respected German science more than Amer-Aussie for some reason.) Anyway, a LOT of people, including docs, aren't fully on board with what is relatively new and not well understood outside the sub-sub-sub-specialty of sleep-disordered breathing.

Give it time, I say. Not just across the planet but also in individual bedrooms. When docs notice the difference in their patients, they will be convinced of the miracle of PAP. And similarly, when spouses see the miraculous difference in their mates, they too will be more likely to welcome the machine into the bedroom. In time.

As for the description of the husband, I think most husbands, myself included, occasionally fall into that category. And sometimes it actually helps when our wives point out to us how selfish we may inadvertently be acting, when that can be brought to our attention in a supportive way carefully worded. Hard to do in the heat of the disagreement, I know, but sometimes we husbands CAN do better, even with the little stuff, when we have been trained for a decade or two. Or at least, I would like to believe that.

PS- Thanks, Hawthorne. Well said. Sorry.

Hawthorne wrote:I don't understand why there is so much emphasize on the words of the OP and not on her problem.

Why does he need a place for a bottle of beer in the BEDROOM??!! He sounds simply insensitive to me and I don't care what she called him on this forum. I just know that she needs help.

There are, obviously, more problems here than the cpap machine. The OP is new to this and, as we all know very well, she is tired, frustrated, and struggling with her therapy -- with no support from her spouse. This makes the whole situation even worse. I doubt he is supportive in anything else either.

Stop picking on her and judging how she expressed herself. That's the last thing that she needs! Offer help, if you can. She probably needs help with the whole relationship and we can't fix that. He should be accommodating her right now - not being concerned about where he will put his beer!

Hawthorne,Thanks for expressing my sentiments exactly! You're one of the reasons I would never consider this place as just a "patient-based forum with lurkers,newbies, guests and a small group of regulars". I may be quoting Brucifer out of context, sorry. I would love to hear comments about what this forum really means to it's members. SU, if you do post a comment, please watch your language!!

Pugsy wrote:So to the OP here....feel free to rant...I agree with BlackSpinner...sometimes it helps to rant and we are sort of a virtual family or friends here. Other than what the others have said about trying to educate your husband I really don't have much to offer. Some couples therapy is probably in order but both parties have to agree to it and be willing to work and my Negative Nellie says he is unlikely to really want to change. I have been down that road....people won't change unless they really want to and see the need to. Part of it may be his cultural heritage but we have plenty of born in the USA, inconsiderate a$$holes here in the US both white and black. I suspect that problems run a lot deeper here than just putting a beer beside the machine.

I agree with the couples therapy suggestion. As far as I can tell, from just what has been posted, there seems to be a tendency to escalation in the marriage - one party says or does something that slightly offends the other, who responds with something a bit more offensive ... The husband's ignorance and/or denial about CPAP's importance might be better addressed with a third party to encourage communication and discourage escalation.

Hawthorne wrote:I don't understand why there is so much emphasize on the words of the OP and not on her problem.

Yup... exactly my thoughts. She only called him an "A", not a "FB".