Unsupportive Spouse (A Brief Rant)

robysue · Post by **robysue** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:07 am

idamtnboy wrote:Being diagnosed with an SBD is unsettling and brings a change to ones life. We all deal with change in varying degrees of intensity, but we all go through the same phases. They are shock, denial, depression, and finally acceptance. Anger is often the vehicle both use to express their emotional response during any, or all, of those phases. Some of the antics described in this thread are responses resulting from going through shock, denial, and depression phases.

The best way to deal with the situation is to recognize that your, and your spouse's, reactions are perfectly normal. Realize you, and your spouse, will go through the four phases, and you will get through them. Allow yourself to be angry, moody, happy, confused, or however you feel at a given moment. Hold on to the promise and hope you will get through it in due time, and you will come to a point of acceptance. And most of all accept the fact that the normal life you used to have is no more and will be replaced with a new normal you will wholeheartedly embrace.

Lot of truth in this idamtnboy. And I think hubby understands this well and that is why he's so good when I have the meltdowns in the middle of the night. Wish I could get through the Anger stage. But it just takes time ...

I'd love to see the three page write-up you talk about. Could you post or pm it to me? Thanks

Drowsy Dancer · Post by **Drowsy Dancer** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:32 am

idamtnboy wrote:Here is a link to an organization whose purpose is providing support to the well spouse of the chronically ill or disabled. Their motto is, "When one is sick, two need help."

http://www.wellspouse.org

As the 45 yr husband of a somewhat chronically ill (~25 yrs) woman I can relate to both sides of the situation. It can be tough, and frustrating for both. Being diagnosed with an SBD is unsettling and brings a change to ones life. We all deal with change in varying degrees of intensity, but we all go through the same phases. They are shock, denial, depression, and finally acceptance. Anger is often the vehicle both use to express their emotional response during any, or all, of those phases. Some of the antics described in this thread are responses resulting from going through shock, denial, and depression phases.

The best way to deal with the situation is to recognize that your, and your spouse's, reactions are perfectly normal. Realize you, and your spouse, will go through the four phases, and you will get through them. Allow yourself to be angry, moody, happy, confused, or however you feel at a given moment. Hold on to the promise and hope you will get through it in due time, and you will come to a point of acceptance. And most of all accept the fact that the normal life you used to have is no more and will be replaced with a new normal you will wholeheartedly embrace.

I have a 3+ page write up about coping with change that is aimed at dealing with the loss of a loved one. But it's core tenants apply to dealing with any kind of change in life. If forum members want to see it, please let me know here, or by PM. I will gladly revise it to fit the needs of this forum and make it available. It will be a few days, but I'll be happy to do it if you want.

I am probably still in the denial stage that I am "chronically ill." I prefer to think of it as having a difficult structure of my throat that needs to be managed with compressed air. I do have moments of horror that I am turning into a little old lady.

My husband's mother is a registered nurse who is one of those people who think that illness is a moral weakness and a lapse of willpower--that is, until she started having severe back problems herself. Oddly enough HER husband has pretty severe apnea. She banished him to the guest bedroom because she doesn't like the CPAP noise (he started his CPAP therapy a while ago so I bet his machine is a lot noiser than mine, but still...). So on balance I am grateful that my husband has risen above his upbringing, so to speak, but I suspect he still has a little bit of the "illness is weakness" attitude, albeit unconscious, in the back of his mind.

I would be very interested in seeing your writeup about coping with change as your time permits.

DD

mayondair · Post by **mayondair** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 8:59 am

rested gal wrote:
DoriC wrote:Umm, I'm sure you all know the lengths I've gone to to make this therapy work for my husband, but in all this time I have never been able to put the mask on my face and push that ON button! I hope I don't get kicked off the forum!
Dori!!!!

I'm laughing, but you know...I really am floored that you've never tried it just out of curiosity. I figured you had by now.

Won't hurt you a bit. Truly won't.

Geeze, Dori, you know you've just gotta try it! You know how I love a funny post, and a blow by blow account (hey, I couldn't help myself! ) of your "doing it" (when you finally get up your nerve...and you will...you will...) is guaranteed to tickle me as well as all your friends here.

Just pick a nice calm time of day and hold the mask up to your face. You don't even have to use the headgear. Just sit
on the side of the bed. Don't lie down.

Oh My!!! when Rested Gal speaks, We all listen, and when Dori speaks we all listen, Does Dori listen to Rested Gal?? , FWIW I got my hubby to try it ( for about 10 sec) by telling him it would clear his sinuses

Do it, Dori...do it. Set it for auto 7-10, A-Flex 3.
Punch that forbidden "On" button.

Give it at least five minutes. It will feel like a blast of air to you for the first breath, but say to yourself, "I'm doing this for CPAPtalk!"

Just breathe naturally. Don't try to take BIG breaths... breathe normally. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to breathe after you've breathed in and out just a couple of times. Within less than a minute of breathing normally, what felt like a blast won't feel like anything unusual at all, and you'll start to relax. Piece of cake.

Go, Dori, go!!
You've got all the support in the world here, ya know!

And remember, it's ok to giggle while holding a mask to your face.

mayondair · Post by **mayondair** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 9:03 am

Oops, wrong button. Back to topic: Oh My!!! When Rested Gal speaks we all listen, and when Dori speaks we all listen, but does Dori listen when Rested Gal speaks?? FWIW I got my hubby to try it(for about 10 sec) by telling him it would help clear his sinuses

DoriC · Post by **DoriC** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:22 am

Oh Boy! Why did it have to be Rested Gal of all people to challenge me! I'm now wrestling with the thought that her wish will have to be my command! Can I really say NO to her??? Has anyone ever said NO to her?? What will happen to me if I say NO to her? Can I deny her the giggles she so deserves?? The answer of course will have to be ....I'LL DO IT,but I don't like it!! (Stamping feet!). If I don't report back it's because I exploded!!
Seriously, I have always considered this to be a failure on my part, and if I'm going to contribute to this forum I should at least know the basics of what my husband and all of you experience every night before I start giving advice. Thanks for the challenge!

Pugsy · Post by **Pugsy** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:33 am

Dori, no one says no to Rested Gal. You gotta give it a try.

DoriC · Post by **DoriC** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:34 am

[quote="idamtnboy"] And most of all accept the fact that the normal life you used to have is no more and will be replaced with a new normal you will wholeheartedly embrace.
[quote]

This is so true. Our lives became so much calmer once we made peace with our "new normal" life. Where once we planned vacations, visits to the children or a weekend in Atlantic City which we love, we now plan a nearby restaurant date once a week or coffee with friends. Yesterday Mike's new Lazyboy was delivered and that's the highlight of our week. He's taking a nice nap in it right now.

mayondair · Post by **mayondair** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:43 am

Dori, I'll gladly take your advice anytime, weather you try Mikes CPAP or not, but since you do listen to Rested Gal, Please give us a full report. Maybe with photos kathy

DocWeezy · Post by **DocWeezy** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 10:49 am

What a wonderful thread....Thank you DD for starting it, and thank you to everyone who had contributed to it. It has gotten me thinking.

Compared to most of you who are married, I'm a newlywed at just four years. I found the other half of my heart, something I thought would never happen at my age. I have felt very fortunate because my beloved has seen me through two knee replacements, severe insomnia/exhaustion, and now OSA. It's a lot in just four years! I guess I was basically falling apart physically when we met because of grad school, job pressures, and having just gotten out of a miserable 11 year marriage. Seems like I just never had the time to take care of myself. I'm sure my OSA has been pretty much lifelong, so I was really suffering from decades of sleep deprivation that had seriously impacted my health. He was the one that pushed me into going to the doc last October because my stopping breathing was getting so bad it would wake him up at night when I quit snoring because it meant I wasn't breathing.

With "Darth" I've had nights waking up screaming in a panic, and nights where a mask just wouldn't stop leaking no matter what and I would start yelling and crying--all I want is a good night's sleep. Hubby (that's an endearing term between us, so no one mistakes it as being condescending) tries to FIX whatever is bothering me, and when his engineer hat is put on in the middle of the night, it used to drive me nuts. It took me a while to realize that was his way of being supportive and loving--it is what he knows how to do--he looks for tweaks and solutions to fix the problem. Unfortunately, I haven't always been very receptive to his willingness to traipse out to the garage in the middle of the night to engineer something to fix the problem. Silly me....he's truly wonderful to be willing to do that.

I'm envious of those of you who have had long marriages...we met later in life so we'll be lucky to have 30 years. But as I sit here in my "nest" that my beloved built for me as a wedding present (a completely rebuilt detached garage that is now my office/sewing room/hideaway), after having a truly good night's sleep (they're coming more often now, for the first time in probably 30 years), I realize how blessed I am.

And I'm going to make sure I tell him that even more often. Thank you to all who have told your stories and reminded me that I've been blessed far beyond my expectations and that I need to show him and tell him that every day.

Weezy

DoriC · Post by **DoriC** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:13 am

mayondair wrote:Dori, I'll gladly take your advice anytime, weather you try Mikes CPAP or not, but since you do listen to Rested Gal, Please give us a full report. Maybe with photos kathy

Now you're pushing it too far!! And besides, I don't know how to get photos on here and yes several members have tried to teach me!

OutaSync · Post by **OutaSync** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:06 pm

Come on, Dori! You can do it! You might like it!

mayondair · Post by **mayondair** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:37 pm

OK, I guess photos aren't really necessary, but please post the full report If we can do this, and Rested Gal can do this, and your beloved Mike can do this you can too

jdm2857 · Post by **jdm2857** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:38 pm

Photos?

I want video!

SleepingUgly · Post by **SleepingUgly** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 12:54 pm

What a lot of peer pressure!! Dori, "just say NO" to this peer pressure!

One big difference between trying CPAP and using CPAP is that a pressure that feels intolerable initially can become quite tolerable later. So you can't say, "OMG 11cm (or whatever Mike is on) feels like THIS?! Poor Mike!" because it doesn't feel like that after a short time.

If you are going to do this, I agree about not strapping the straps, and just holding it to your face, as well as sitting and not lying down.

DavidCarolina · Post by **DavidCarolina** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 1:13 pm

The sad reality is, nobody, including a family member, has any idea how you feel when you have a disease that eats
away at your well being.

Quite frankly, sometimes they even think youre using it as an "excuse".

The only exception is when they've had it THEMSELVES. Then they know.

Nobody knows how you feel but you......and God

Unsupportive Spouse (A Brief Rant)

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