Unsupportive Spouse (A Brief Rant)

I was about to join your rant when I read Scrappers reply.........me too.
I've often thought over the past 11 months on the hose, boy am I glad he's not here to complain about the air blowing on him or the farting noise...then I do a double "think", ya he would have complained like hell about the inconvenience of it all, but he's not here at all.....no more trips together enjoying all there is to see and feel, no more,.... no more anything.
Put up with his sillyness, at least he's there and IS on your side. Better with than without.
Cheers ladies
Nan

Drowsy Dancer I can relate. I found a solution to my problem its call separation pending divorce. I can do much better alone.

I don't need anyone to batter my self confidence I get enough of that outside of home from people I don't care about..and I definitely will not tolerate from people within my home.

So after 24 yrs PUWMS(putting up with the man's Sugar, Honey Ice Tea)...I packed my stuff and moved out.

We all try to make sense of the hands we are dealt with. Traditionally, men think that they are the leaders of the household, and they try to do their best to protect those within.

Illness is one of the hardest things to deal with. You are basically helpless and frustrated that you can't simply make the illness go away. Sleep disorders are even more frustrating because the effects accumulate over time and are not noticed right away.

Unfortunately, a strong coping mechanism for men is humor, and often it is poorly timed and inappropriate.

I think you should rejoice in the fact that your husband deeply loves you. He just doesn't know how to show it in this situation.

You might consider tying him up in bed and whipping him with your hose. Better yet, turn on the vacuum and attach the hose to his foot and then blow air into his face while you fan the covers back and forth letting the air blow into his face and be sucked out of his foot...

See...

Both humor and inappropriate at the same time...

OK, back to reality... I think your best course is to sit down and have a heart to heart talk and start the conversation asking your husband how he FEELS about your sleep problems. Men can be very slippery, so don't let him slither from the question. When you "discover" his "hidden" fears, treat them gently and figure out how to work on them.

HoseCrusher wrote:

I think you should rejoice in the fact that your husband deeply loves you. He just doesn't know how to show it in this situation.

There's a lot of truth to this.

And not to defend the OP's hubby's actions, but sometimes I think we get so wrapped up in our own problems that we forget things can be hard on the spouse as well. They don't like seeing us in pain after all. But they can act like clueless nincompoops too. And that's what it sounds like the OP's hubby was doing: playing around and kidding (like it used to be) without thinking about how it now is.

My dear hubby has been incredibly supportive when I've needed it the most---when I'm ranting, raving, and screaming at the top of my lungs about how I HATE THE MACHINE. I HATE THE APNEA. I FEEL LIKE A FREAK when it's 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning. And he also has a deft hand at knowing when to pull the "PA" card and tell me, "Keryn (the PA) says that if you are going to be angry you have to get out of bed. You are angry. Get out of bed."

But at the same time, he's a complete clod during the daytime and evening when it comes to my having to still deal with apnea related things (cleaning the equipment, having to restrict my caffeine, not being able to eat whenever, really needing the tv to be turned off by 11:30 pm even though it's in the living room, and the sleep deprivation come to mind). And the fact that I'm green with envy over every nap he takes and every cup of coffee he slurps down.

But most of the time when he winds up hitting a sore spot at night, he will apologize (eventually). Last time I had a meltdown? Last weekend. The trigger? I had gone to bed, could not sleep, had gotten out of bed to do something to get sleepy, and had come back to bed and just started to settle down when hubby went to the bathroom. I was just drifting off when he returned to bed and pulled the pillow out from under my arm because half of it was on his side of the bed and in his way. Woke me up like a bolt of lightening and things went down hill fast. Took hubby a long, long time to understand that I had not yet gotten any real sleep and had just barely started to doze. We actually argued for about 5 minutes or so about the pillow and whether it was or was not in his way. But then he quit fighting, although I didn't notice it at the time. (We can be clueless nincompoops at times too after all.) I kept screaming because by this time the great unresolved anger I'm still dealing (ineffectively) with had welled up and every attempt at masking up and settling back down for the night was leaving me more awake and more exhausted. After holding me for a long time, he finally got me settled down enough to tell me it was 3:00AM, that I needed to just take the Sonata (3:00 AM is the cutoff time for that) and that he really had no idea that moving the pillow was going to cause me such distress and that he really wished he'd been more gentle about doing it. He even offered to sleep on the couch if I thought that would help. (I didn't think it would.)

xenablue wrote:

One thing that HE agrees helped him most, was that I made him wear the mask and turn on the machine for a few minutes - the whole deal of lying down, trying to get comfy etc., really gave him an understanding of what I have to deal with each night.

I've repeatedly asked my dear hubby to put the hose on to really see what it's like. He just won't. I honestly think he's afraid of it or something. When our college-aged daughter was vising over the Christmas holidays, he talked her into putting the hose on for a few minutes when I was desperate to have somebody in the family put it on and see what I was going through. Daughter's response? "It's an interesting feeling---kind of weird and it doesn't bother me too much. But I can see why it keeps bugging you as high strung and sensitive as you are about things blowing on you." [You have to understand: I hate fans blowing on me. I hate sitting in drafts. I don't like sitting in a moderate breeze at a picnic. I hate A/C vents in the summer. And I don't like the heater blowing on me during the winter.]

HoseCrusher says:

You might consider tying him up in bed and whipping him with your hose. Better yet, turn on the vacuum and attach the hose to his foot and then blow air into his face while you fan the covers back and forth letting the air blow into his face and be sucked out of his foot...

LOL. Maybe I could give my hubby the choice: Put Kaa on your nose for 15 minutes or I'll get the vacuum out and show you what it really feels like ....

HoseCrusher: love it! I think he would rather be beaten with a hose than talk about his feelings.

DD

robysue wrote:. Maybe I could give my hubby the choice: Put Kaa on your nose for 15 minutes or I'll get the vacuum out and show you what it really feels like ....

Umm, I'm sure you all know the lengths I've gone to to make this therapy work for my husband, but in all this time I have never been able to put the mask on my face and push that ON button! I hope I don't get kicked off the forum!

DoriC wrote:

robysue wrote:. Maybe I could give my hubby the choice: Put Kaa on your nose for 15 minutes or I'll get the vacuum out and show you what it really feels like ....

Umm, I'm sure you all know the lengths I've gone to to make this therapy work for my husband, but in all this time I have never been able to put the mask on my face and push that ON button! I hope I don't get kicked off the forum!

NEVER!!!

I wish I would have listened to my BETTER HALF 6 years ago when she told me I needed to get tested. I told her one person wearing a machine is enough I could not do it. Well fast forward to 2009 the year I hit bottom and got tested and strapped on a mask to sleep and now get 6,7,8 and sometimes on a rare occasion 9 hrs of good sleep not waking up every 2-3 hrs to pee. All you have to do is look at the symptoms (when one finally gets ones head out of his ass) and gets serious about admitting something is wrong. It only gets worse and all you have to do is read the effects that this condition has on your body. I made the choice to try and be around for my family as long as I can.

Eh, threaten to trade him in on a goat so you can shoot the goat.

Or - many years ago now (we've been married 45 years) he mentioned d-i-v-o-r-c-e. Just the once. I just told him I'd been thru one divorce, murder was easier, so sleep well. Yeah, he's been a saint to put up w/me all these years. There's been a time or two I would have liked to shove a dirty sock down his throat. But - I wouldn't trade him for the world. He has been a blessing.

I am so thankful for my sweet and supportive husband. I'm extremely lucky. Even when he doesn't quite understand the complexity or struggle, he's always there for me.

But, there's something I learned very early on in our marriage--he cannot read my mind. If there's something I need from him or something he does is bothering me, I have to tell him. He never gets upset and he always does what's asked (or gives me a good reason why not), but if I don't tell him what I need I cannot blame myself if he doesn't figure it out on his own. Sure it would be nice not to have to tell him some things (like it's a nice thing to give your wife a Valentine's Day card--I actually had to tell him that!), but no use getting mad at him if he doesn't figure it out on his own. That's just not the way his mind works.

You might have to tell your husband what you need from him. "I need you to . . . " works a lot better than "you never . . . " "I need" statements are always true and not confrontive or accusatory. Hopefully there is enough trust between you to feel safe saying "I need". If not, pehaps it's time for counseling?

To the ladies who have lost your husbands, I am truly sorry. Makes me appreciate my guy all the more. As I type, he is at his own titration study, and I wonder how it's going for him.
I do have one rant, and it isn't just my husband, it's my teenage BRAT sons. They come in my room to ask a question, pass gas, and leave. And if I am hosed up- guess who gets the loveliness of THAT? Straight into my filter, which apparently aint doing such a hot job.

Here is a link to an organization whose purpose is providing support to the well spouse of the chronically ill or disabled. Their motto is, "When one is sick, two need help."

http://www.wellspouse.org

As the 45 yr husband of a somewhat chronically ill (~25 yrs) woman I can relate to both sides of the situation. It can be tough, and frustrating for both. Being diagnosed with an SBD is unsettling and brings a change to ones life. We all deal with change in varying degrees of intensity, but we all go through the same phases. They are shock, denial, depression, and finally acceptance. Anger is often the vehicle both use to express their emotional response during any, or all, of those phases. Some of the antics described in this thread are responses resulting from going through shock, denial, and depression phases.

The best way to deal with the situation is to recognize that your, and your spouse's, reactions are perfectly normal. Realize you, and your spouse, will go through the four phases, and you will get through them. Allow yourself to be angry, moody, happy, confused, or however you feel at a given moment. Hold on to the promise and hope you will get through it in due time, and you will come to a point of acceptance. And most of all accept the fact that the normal life you used to have is no more and will be replaced with a new normal you will wholeheartedly embrace.

I have a 3+ page write up about coping with change that is aimed at dealing with the loss of a loved one. But it's core tenants apply to dealing with any kind of change in life. If forum members want to see it, please let me know here, or by PM. I will gladly revise it to fit the needs of this forum and make it available. It will be a few days, but I'll be happy to do it if you want.

I don't really know why, but I want to share my experience of dealing with one of my spouse's medical issues. Maybe it will add a bit of humor to the serious nature of this thread.

About 25 years ago my wife was stricken with alopecia universalis, i.e., total hair loss. Needless to say she was devastated by the loss of the pretty long hair on her head, which happened over just a very few weeks. There is no clear explanation why it happened, and no cure. After a couple of years of using a wig she gave up because it irritated her scalp. She changed to a scarf, which she wears today. Not the same one of course! Because hair is so important to a woman's sense of beauty, I treaded very carefully around the subject of baldness and the need for scarves. Then one day, about 4 or 5 years later, we were at a church picnic. The pastor walked up with a tee shirt that had on it, "I'm not bald, I'm just follically challenged!" My wife looked up and said, "You want to see follically challenged?" as she reached for her scarf. He backtracked real fast saying, "No, no, no!" At that moment I knew she had come to terms with her condition and had accepted it.

The next Christmas I went to a tee shirt shop and bought a specially printed tee with, "I NEVER have a bad hair day!" and gave it to her. She has worn it proudly many times since. It's faded from all the washings but she still wears it occasionally. I love her for her sense of humor.

DoriC wrote:Umm, I'm sure you all know the lengths I've gone to to make this therapy work for my husband, but in all this time I have never been able to put the mask on my face and push that ON button! I hope I don't get kicked off the forum!

Dori!!!!

I'm laughing, but you know...I really am floored that you've never tried it just out of curiosity. I figured you had by now.

Won't hurt you a bit. Truly won't.

Geeze, Dori, you know you've just gotta try it! You know how I love a funny post, and a blow by blow account (hey, I couldn't help myself! ) of your "doing it" (when you finally get up your nerve...and you will...you will...) is guaranteed to tickle me as well as all your friends here.

Just pick a nice calm time of day and hold the mask up to your face. You don't even have to use the headgear. Just sit on the side of the bed. Don't lie down.

Do it, Dori...do it. Set it for auto 7-10, A-Flex 3.
Punch that forbidden "On" button.

Give it at least five minutes. It will feel like a blast of air to you for the first breath, but say to yourself, "I'm doing this for CPAPtalk!"

Just breathe naturally. Don't try to take BIG breaths... breathe normally. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to breathe after you've breathed in and out just a couple of times. Within less than a minute of breathing normally, what felt like a blast won't feel like anything unusual at all, and you'll start to relax. Piece of cake.

Go, Dori, go!!
You've got all the support in the world here, ya know!

And remember, it's ok to giggle while holding a mask to your face.

rested gal wrote:

DoriC wrote:Umm, I'm sure you all know the lengths I've gone to to make this therapy work for my husband, but in all this time I have never been able to put the mask on my face and push that ON button! I hope I don't get kicked off the forum!

Dori!!!!

I'm laughing, but you know...I really am floored that you've never tried it just out of curiosity. I figured you had by now.

Won't hurt you a bit. Truly won't.

Geeze, Dori, you know you've just gotta try it! You know how I love a funny post, and a blow by blow account (hey, I couldn't help myself! ) of your "doing it" (when you finally get up your nerve...and you will...you will...) is guaranteed to tickle me as well as all your friends here.

Just pick a nice calm time of day and hold the mask up to your face. You don't even have to use the headgear. Just sit on the side of the bed. Don't lie down.

Do it, Dori...do it. Set it for auto 7-10, A-Flex 3.
Punch that forbidden "On" button.

Give it at least five minutes. It will feel like a blast of air to you for the first breath, but say to yourself, "I'm doing this for CPAPtalk!"

Just breathe naturally. Don't try to take BIG breaths... breathe normally. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how easy it is to breathe after you've breathed in and out just a couple of times. Within less than a minute of breathing normally, what felt like a blast won't feel like anything unusual at all, and you'll start to relax. Piece of cake.

Go, Dori, go!!
You've got all the support in the world here, ya know!

And remember, it's ok to giggle while holding a mask to your face.

A W E S O M E advice, lol.