CPAP Destruction and Disastrous Doc office visit.

doubleg137 wrote: ...........you have me yelling at a receptionist, and very loudly. Still not illegal. Rude, yes. Insulting, very. Getting you banned from a doctor's office, definitely. Still not the most insulting thing I could come up with though. I did show a bit of restraint.

................

If it had been the doctor being just as sarcastic as the receptionist (and they can be), would you have yelled very loudly at him or her? If your answer is "No", then you are a coward "going after" what you perceive as the weakest person available.

So what can we help you with besides listening to your whining? You need to fill out your equipment profile. Do I need to get out that translation dictionary to explain what that means?

doubleg137 wrote:If you don't believe me, fine. I can live with that. Funny thing about sleep. We take it so for granted when its okay and restful, or when your machine is working. But finally reach the edge of your rope and lose your patience with an idiot who doesn't have the first clue about what you're going through because maybe they wake up feeling rested, and you're not to be believed or others are ready to incarcerate you. Being loud, rude and very insulting isn't a crime. If it were, I could probably put a list together of 200 people who deserve a stint in the pokey. I just happen to be very sarcastic from years of torture from older brothers. (two of whom thought smothering with a pillow is a proper way to wake a younger brother up). Add very uncommon frustration to an expert level of sarcasm and you have me yelling at a receptionist, and very loudly. Still not illegal. Rude, yes. Insulting, very. Getting you banned from a doctor's office, definitely. Still not the most insulting thing I could come up with though. I did show a bit of restraint.

I did apologize to the doctor's office staff, and to the receptionist. I did it with a note because I felt that showing up would be bad form, and told them that I would be going to a different primary care office.

I did have another question for everyone. I don't remember having any dreams for years, and when I did I only had some nightmares.

Hey! You ARE real!! I just lost ten bucks.

I really respect your posting the fact that you apologized to the staff and receptionist. Good move, for the principle of the thing and beyond. After all, who's to say what sort of day, or life, the receptionist was/is in the process of dealing with, since some people choose to keep the bulk of their personal frustrations hidden and direct their pain, hurt, and anger inwardly in the form of despair and self-loathing instead of taking it out on others. Hopefully your note will help heal; words can hurt worse than fists sometimes, or heal better than meds. And in that spirit, I apologize for MY sarcasm when I assumed your seemingly-too-well-written account was fictional.

I am no expert (and there are a few of those who do post on this forum) but I think the remembering of dreams or nightmares is a very individual thing and not well understood. So, only a sleep study followed by the right form of treatment might be able to answer that question definitively for you, I believe. That being said, many of us have found that our customizing our own PAP therapy to make it effective, along with good sleep hygiene, has helped us return to having dreams on a regular basis.

Hopefully things you learn in this forum can help you bring your frustration level down. But if you took a bat to your machine at night unintentionally, a doctor needs to know that. You could end up hurting someone, or yourself--even moreso than the destructive behavior of destroying your lifeline, your PAP machine. As the earlier posters who were smart enough to see you were real mentioned earlier, please find a way to get that help.

Hang in there.

jeff

doubleg137 wrote:, and told them that I would be going to a different primary care office.

Part of the problem there, the primary care apparently does not understand fully the issues. If you have been having problems on the level you have described for that long, the primary care should have referred you to a sleep specialist a long time ago.

Get someone who has a clue about sleep problems and get a new study done.

Before CPAP, I remembered all kinds of dreams...good and bad.

After CPAP, so far I've only had dreams when something is wrong (like I've knocked my mask off) and then its a nightmare.

Though the good dreams I had, usually ended badly....usually because I hit the wall where I want the dream to go a certain way, but I have had no experience in that way to draw from. Or I wake up and realize that it didn't happen....

The dreams when I sleep without my CPAP now, have also so far been bad....

The Dreamer.

Oh c'mon, there is no excuse for it. It doesn't matter whether it's illegal or not (and technically I think it is, as disturbing the peace at least or even as assault), being sleep deprived doesn't give you an excuse to act that way. Many times I've felt like biting someone's head off because they were seeming stupid. Once the front desk person at my doctor's office said it must be nice how much I sleep. I said to her that I would give just about anything to be awake all day rather than falling asleep all the time. She doesn't understand what I go through, but it is not a reason to go yelling at her. Your brothers were mean to you is also not an excuse to treat people like crap!

As for your question, you probably are not getting REM sleep because you broke your CPAP with a bat and apnea is arousing you before you can even get to that stage of sleep. Also, do not go to a primary care doctor, find a sleep specialist. You need to be treated by someone who understands sleep disorders because by your description you may have something else besides apnea going on and you need to get that addressed by someone who knows sleep disorders.

doubleg137 wrote:If you don't believe me, fine. I can live with that. Funny thing about sleep. We take it so for granted when its okay and restful, or when your machine is working. But finally reach the edge of your rope and lose your patience with an idiot who doesn't have the first clue about what you're going through because maybe they wake up feeling rested, and you're not to be believed or others are ready to incarcerate you. Being loud, rude and very insulting isn't a crime. If it were, I could probably put a list together of 200 people who deserve a stint in the pokey. I just happen to be very sarcastic from years of torture from older brothers. (two of whom thought smothering with a pillow is a proper way to wake a younger brother up). Add very uncommon frustration to an expert level of sarcasm and you have me yelling at a receptionist, and very loudly. Still not illegal. Rude, yes. Insulting, very. Getting you banned from a doctor's office, definitely. Still not the most insulting thing I could come up with though. I did show a bit of restraint.

I did apologize to the doctor's office staff, and to the receptionist. I did it with a note because I felt that showing up would be bad form, and told them that I would be going to a different primary care office.

I did have another question for everyone. I don't remember having any dreams for years, and when I did I only had some nightmares.

doubleg137 wrote:If you don't believe me, fine. I can live with that. Funny thing about sleep. We take it so for granted when its okay and restful, or when your machine is working. But finally reach the edge of your rope and lose your patience with an idiot who doesn't have the first clue about what you're going through because maybe they wake up feeling rested, and you're not to be believed or others are ready to incarcerate you. Being loud, rude and very insulting isn't a crime. If it were, I could probably put a list together of 200 people who deserve a stint in the pokey. I just happen to be very sarcastic from years of torture from older brothers. (two of whom thought smothering with a pillow is a proper way to wake a younger brother up). Add very uncommon frustration to an expert level of sarcasm and you have me yelling at a receptionist, and very loudly. Still not illegal. Rude, yes. Insulting, very. Getting you banned from a doctor's office, definitely. Still not the most insulting thing I could come up with though. I did show a bit of restraint.

I did apologize to the doctor's office staff, and to the receptionist. I did it with a note because I felt that showing up would be bad form, and told them that I would be going to a different primary care office.

I did have another question for everyone. I don't remember having any dreams for years, and when I did I only had some nightmares.

doubleg137,

I commend you for writing notes of apology to the doctor's staff and the receptionist. That in itself shows there is hope for you.

As for insulting by yelling and name calling, there is a name for it. It's called verbal abuse.

nightmares rather than good dreams: Stress and anxiety can cause nightmares and I think possibly, if you feel you are choking in your sleep you may have a dream of someone with their hands around your throat trying to strangle you. That happened to me.

As for what your brothers did in your past... Everyone has a past and probably a majority of people or more than half have experienced some types of abuses while growing up. We cannot use the past as an excuse for present behavior. Forgive the past so you can move on. We need to learn to replace our bad attitudes gradually with new healthy ones and look forward, not backward, except to learn from mistakes.

There is a nice guy inside you who would like to get out more often. Give him a chance. Try treating others with the same respect you would like to be treated with. It will take practice and you will have slips, but perseverance will bring change and you will feel a whole lot better. So will everyone you have contact with.

Take care and keep posting,

Anne

I am no expert but I remember less dreams on Cpap and I think it is because we do not usually remember dreams unless we wake during the dream. So on Cpap that is treating you right you would wake a lot less in the middle of a dream.

One Tired Puppy wrote: if you feel you are choking in your sleep you may have a dream of someone with their hands around your throat trying to strangle you. That happened to me.

That's funny because I used to have dreams about drowning or being unable to escape a poisonous gas cloud. Now I have dreams where I'm wandering around the bottom of a swimming pool or lake with my CPAP mask on or I'm in a room and there's some gas...unfortunately the later are still nightmares since I dream that my CPAP mask is keeping me safe from the gas while I see others down the hall choking and dying from it.

Severeena wrote:I am wondering if he is a Vietnam vet with PTSD.
This still does not give him the right to treat people the way he is.

As a Vietnam vet still being treated for PTSD (and I'm doing very well thank you), I don't find the actions to be justified in any way. And I was kind of insulted by the remark until I thought about it.....It's a typical misconception of PTSD promoted by the media by focusing on a very small minority of activities by veterans in the past.
When I came back from VN I was very violently angry, but withdrew into a tight shell and became even more introverted than I already was. I was scared sh*tless that I'd hurt someone (or myself accidentally) and knew it was not a valid response to those feelings I had inside.....I think most of us reacted by withdrawing rather than expressing ourselves violently......
Supposed rage of that magnitude is not justified for any reason -- much less sleep deprivation - that's a cop-out. It is not an adult response to any situation - he sounds like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum when mom says no to a Snickers bar.....

If it's a legitimate post -- Grow up!!!!! Get a grip and get some help -- you have serious issues beyond apnea and will probably end up hurting someone sooner or later and end up in prison.....I hope you are very alone and have not subjected anyone else to your childish actions.....

But I have my doubts......
cheers
goose

goose wrote:

Severeena wrote:I am wondering if he is a Vietnam vet with PTSD.
This still does not give him the right to treat people the way he is.

As a Vietnam vet still being treated for PTSD (and I'm doing very well thank you), I don't find the actions to be justified in any way. And I was kind of insulted by the remark until I thought about it.....It's a typical misconception of PTSD promoted by the media by focusing on a very small minority of activities by veterans in the past.
When I came back from VN I was very violently angry, but withdrew into a tight shell and became even more introverted than I already was. I was scared sh*tless that I'd hurt someone (or myself accidentally) and knew it was not a valid response to those feelings I had inside.....I think most of us reacted by withdrawing rather than expressing ourselves violently......
Supposed rage of that magnitude is not justified for any reason -- much less sleep deprivation - that's a cop-out. It is not an adult response to any situation - he sounds like a spoiled child having a temper tantrum when mom says no to a Snickers bar.....

If it's a legitimate post -- Grow up!!!!! Get a grip and get some help -- you have serious issues beyond apnea and will probably end up hurting someone sooner or later and end up in prison.....I hope you are very alone and have not subjected anyone else to your childish actions.....

But I have my doubts......
cheers
goose

Goose, I'm sorry to hear you experienced the horror of Vietnam and reliving all those horrors in nightmares. I think that had to be the worst as you never knew who your ememy was. There never was enough support for the Vietnam vets and that is sad. No one likes war, but our fighting men and women and the returning vets should all be honoured and respected and given every kind of help needed. Sounds like you have come along way.

As a child I had multiple abusers and witnessed an execution style killing of two men, who I later found out were my mother's cousins. As a child these things get repressed but in my young adult years I started having flashbacks and reliving some of these experiences. I carried a whole lot of anger at this time and how I dealt with it at first, was I would go out for a run around 3-4am hoping someone would attack me just so I could rip their face off with the stitch ripper I carried with me. I later went for counseling regarding these flashbacks and reliving experiences, mostly to learn how to stop them and deal with the anger I felt inside. I used to have revenge dreams where I would capture my abusers and break every bone in their body and not have any mercy.

I'm grateful I am no longer carrying that anger or having revenge fantacies anymore. I learned that by choosing to forgive (this does not let anyone of the hook. It benefits the person doing the forgiving. After 20 years of carrying anger/rage, I became free of that poisen. I call it poisen because it poisens the one carrying it. I do get angry at times but now it is short and not revengble or destructive. I believe in keeping short accounts and letting them go. I am still learning better attitudes and this is an ongoing thing. I know it can be done if one wants to be free bad enough. You obviously know that too. I'm know you saw much more and even worse than I did. I think as an adult it would be even worse.

I hope doubg137 learns this, too. Isn't it great to be free of all that anger and rage?

Anne

One Tired Puppy wrote: After 20 years of carrying anger/rage, I became free of that poisen. I call it poisen because it poisens the one carrying it. I do get angry at times but now it is short and not revengble or destructive. I believe in keeping short accounts and letting them go. I am still learning better attitudes and this is an ongoing thing. I know it can be done if one wants to be free bad enough. You obviously know that too. I'm know you saw much more and even worse than I did. I think as an adult it would be even worse.

I hope doubg137 learns this, too. Isn't it great to be free of all that anger and rage?

Anne[/color]

Yes, Anne. I carried my rage inside for 40 years before realizing the source and it took a long time to get past it and accept it. Occasionally when I'm not feeling great, I still get irritable and have finally learned to manage that as well. It leaves me feeling free after many, many years. Much of what has helped has been the realization that many others have had bad experiences as well and I am not a prisoner of my past. I am who I am because of what has happened, not in spite of it and I no longer feel the shame. Like you, I occasionally feel myself reacting and I try to stop immediately and ask myself "what's going on here" and get back on track.

Mindy

Thanks Anne!!! I appreciate your comments!!!!
You are right -- I have come a long way.
I too was the victim of abuse as a kid, though I didn't think it had affected me until I was in therapy for my Vietnam issues. I certainly didn't experience as a child what you did, so I cannot relate to that aspect other than to say it's so sad that innocence is stolen so easily and without thought. I'm glad you have dealt with it successfully!!!
I'm not sure I agree with you that it's easier to handle as a kid than as an adult....I'll have to think on that one....
Now that I'm in my late 50's, I don't think of 18 or 19 as being an adult though -- I was 19 when I shipped out and was 20 when I came back....

Anger, rage, negativism is so self consuming....20 years, 40 years, 1 year is too long, but I certainly understand and relate to it.....Both you and mindy are correct - it is what it is and we have to learn to move on.
I would not change my VN experience -- it's part of what makes me -- me. I'd be a totally different person without that experience, and I'm not unhappy with me. It took a while, but......

Again, thanks for your kind comments - I truly appreciate it!!
cheers
goose

Edit to add: I think the guys and gals in Iraq and Afghanistan are in a similar situation as we were -- not knowing who your enemy was. Your friend looks exactly the same as your enemy. It is and was a very difficult situation to be in. I also feel that the pain we Vietnam Vets have had to endure due to our treatment has not been in vain. I think (hope) that the people have learned that you cannot blame the warriors for the war and you are so correct. Those who serve deserve all the respect and admiration we can heap upon them.
Unfortunately for me, the way we (I) was treated when I came back is something I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my country for -- and that is sad.
g

Okay...

CPAP Machine.. Resperonics, (model choke the crap out of you) I can't remember the name of it, but its long gone in the garbage. Im still finding bits of plastic and around the room in the carpet.

Mask.. last one was a flexifit 4-something (number?) full face mask. I tore this one apart, I think within the first half hour after I fell asleep with it on, but with me probably within the first minute.

I have had a number of masks.. full face, mouth insert, nose only (which does good when the air flow seals your nose completely shut like someone poured glue into it, and a couple other variations on the full face mask theme.


A little bit more on the brothers smothering me for fun thing. I did get over that eventually, but how I got them to stop was the interesting part. I asked them to stop.. no.. I think begged them, after once again being woken up smothered they said "no, its fun to do it, and we find it funny to see you angry." Fun. hmm.. lets think about this one. "Fun" to make your younger brother think he is going to die and totally piss him off. I told them I would make them sorry one day. They laughed at me and they continued to do it, whenever the chance was there. My parents didn't really have a problem with them doing it, they thought it was tough love for sleeping late, and teaching me to get up early.

Now for the interesting part. My brothers liked dressing up to go out with their friends, go to school dressed very nice, where I on the other hand really couldn't and didn't care because I was very rough on my clothing. I was a roughhousing 11 year old, and they were 16 and 19. I remember this blissful sunday alone at home that I didn't have to go to work at the family business because of a flu, my other two brothers were at work. My opportunity had arrived.

I was taught by my parents to take care of myself and my clothing because they were at work a lot and this was something I was grown enough to handle on my own. So using what I knew, I decided to help my brothers house by doing their laundry for them. I took the best dress shirt and pair of pants they had and washed it with bleach and hung it neatly back in their respective closets.

After getting home, my parents and two brothers arrived and asked how my day was. I said "it was a good day and I feel much better" My brothers went to their rooms to get changed out of their work clothes. A loud shout was heard from both their rooms, which I was expecting. They ran out of their rooms holding some of the shirts and pants I washed. "These are f**king ruined!!!!" 16 screams. 19 yelled out for our parents "this little s*** ruined my clothes!!! " When asked to answer for myself by my parents I told my brothers "its fun to do it, and I find it funny to see you angry." Their words had come back to bite them in the ass. I added "I asked you.. even begged you to stop and you didn't, and I told you that I would make you sorry one day. Well.. the day has arrived." They never smothered me again. My parents made them apologize to me and I to them for ruining some expensive clothes. The message could have been send with cheaper clothes. I did eventually forgive my brothers.

I don't know if this was a factor in why I can't keep a mask on.. bad muscle memory maybe?

I do however have a lingering scar of despising to the point of rage a cruel act done if the name of "fun". Now that is something I will definitely have to get help for. I know this excuses nothing, but its a little insight as to my attitude. I wouldn't want anyone to have that experience if I could do something about it.

I do however have a lingering scar of despising to the point of rage a cruel act done if the name of "fun". Now that is something I will definitely have to get help for. I know this excuses nothing, but its a little insight as to my attitude. I wouldn't want anyone to have that experience if I could do something about it.

Raging at a cruel act done for fun seems to me like a good thing. Attacking - machines that choke you or people -uncontrolably because of your rage is what you need help on. And there's the problem of being cruel to other people - even if its not done for fun.

And next time you meet a f*ing moron, try to remember that most morons can't help it. Some people are extremely stupid, and the sadest thing about that is they really can get very little help with that.

To quote an email that circulated a while ago: "Always remember that half the people in the world are less intelligent than you". And that refers only to those of us with average intelligence. The higher your intelligence, the more people you will run into who are slower and more dim witted than you are. That is a fact life and statistics.

O.

..I am reminded of the story where a blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

SAG