Help getting wife to use her CPAP

Sleepy-in-AL · Post by **Sleepy-in-AL** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 7:51 pm

Did you get a copy of the sleep study? If not, request a copy. Have her look at the pulse ox graphs and statistics. You might even look into renting / borrowing a pulse oximeter to use at home.

Understanding that ignoring apnea is like putting a plastic bag over your head until you almost pass out then removing it just long enough to almost catch your breath and repeating this for 6-8 hours MIGHT motivate her. Many people don't understand the reality of apnea. They think that its just about being tired or snoring and that ignoring it won't really hurt.

Unfortunately, most of the apnea treatment program doesn't really help. When I was diagnosed about a year ago, and I've spent a total of about 20 minutes with my doctor and DME combined. I spent much more time in the waiting rooms of both than with the Dr. or respiratory therapist. I've had zero follow up from my DME. Thankfully I found this forum and cpap.com.

Be supportive and suggest she spend some time with the forum here. But also realize that only she can make the decision to commit to it.

Wulfman · Post by **Wulfman** » Tue Apr 10, 2007 8:10 pm

I'm not sure if I've got any worthwhile advice, but you might try avoiding the subject for some time and see what happens.

Maybe you need to get together (online) with the two women posters over on the Apneasupport forum......their husbands won't use their machines either.

Den

BobF4 · Post by **BobF4** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 9:00 am

How do I find the Apneasupport forum? I would be interested in talking to these ladies and seeing how they handled or are handling how their husbands are using their machines.

Wulfman · Post by **Wulfman** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 9:09 am

BobF4 wrote:How do I find the Apneasupport forum? I would be interested in talking to these ladies and seeing how they handled or are handling how their husbands are using their machines.

http://www.apneasupport.org/

It's on this one as "Effects on marriage"

http://www.apneasupport.org/forum-1.html

I don't think they're having much luck either.
I've often wondered about if my wife was diagnosed with it.....would probably have to drag her into it, "kicking and screaming", too.

Den

BobF4 · Post by **BobF4** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 9:47 am

Wulfman wrote:
BobF4 wrote:How do I find the Apneasupport forum? I would be interested in talking to these ladies and seeing how they handled or are handling how their husbands are using their machines.
http://www.apneasupport.org/

It's on this one as "Effects on marriage"

http://www.apneasupport.org/forum-1.html

I don't think they're having much luck either.
I've often wondered about if my wife was diagnosed with it.....would probably have to drag her into it, "kicking and screaming", too.

Den

Thanks, my friend. I posted a messaeg on that forum, too. Unfortunately since I signed up using my home email address, and I can't access it here at work to verify the email address they sent (stupid corporate firewalls ), it is listed as being from Guest.

sharon1965 · Post by **sharon1965** » Wed Apr 11, 2007 1:24 pm

bob

i'm really sorry to read about your struggles...sometimes it's so hard to understand why someone won't do what's best for them...hasn't she seen the benefits you have realized from cpap?...i was so relieved to have a diagnosis after years of being jerked around, i couldn't wait to start treatment..i really wish i had something to offer....i guess it's just something she'll have to come to on her own...i've tried presenting all the scary info to two of my brothers, who readily admit they most likely have osa, but admitting it is where it ends for them, and there's just no talking to them...i think it has to be some kind of personal experience before people internalize it as their reality...it's too bad, i think if i had someone close to me going through this i would feel so much better, but most of us don't see the value of what's right under our nose, do we?
just keep being loving, i guess, and maybe wulfman's right...leave it alone for now?
best of luck
sharon

p.s. reading back on this i fear that i just took up space, but i just wanted to offer my support, i guess

_________________

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BobF4 · Post by **BobF4** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 12:35 pm

Sharon,

I really appreciate your comments.

She has seen me use my CPAP for the 4+ years, and she expects me to automatically help her without being asked. Hard for me, when, most nights, she doesn't even tell me when she's going to bed.

She herself has seen one benefit of me using my CPAP. My horrible snoring (her words) has ceased. I think she has noticed I have more energy during the day, too.

For now, I am leaving her alone about it at night. I talk to her during the day about it, though. I always try to helpful & supportive to her when I talk to her. The thing I am suggesting now is that she gets a nasal pillow mask, instead of her ComfortGel mask. She is refusing to, saying we can't afford it. Not to go into my financial history, but that is a totally invalid excuse.

I am very concerned she isn't using her machine, and I let her know this, but I refuse to get mad at her about it any more.The more negativity she gets from me about it, the less likely she is to use her machine.

So the ordeal continues.

sharon1965 · Post by **sharon1965** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 1:44 pm

bob
at the risk of getting too personal:
it sounds like it has turned into a battle of wills, and as a person of the female persuasion myself, i know how unreasonable we can be ...can i ask how old your wife is? is she dealing with hormonal issues as well? maybe she just feels overwhelmed and you doing so well and having all the answers, while it may seem like a good thing to a reasonable person, can be enough to push a woman over the edge if she is already struggling..

in my own experience, i am truly thrilled that my 41 year old hubby is strong, fit and healthy, with no medical issues whatsoever, who plays floor hockey and racquetball and baseball and eats like a tree-hugger and has boundless energy and weighs less than he did when we got married 17 years ago and sleeps all night like a cat in a patch of sunlight, wakes up rested and ready to take on the day...blah blah blah...and i also tell everyone it's like being married to jesus, in fact his nickname is JC...sometimes, when i'm really wallowing in my own misery, i like to pick fights with him, accusing him of thinking i'm faking, saying i know he wishes he had a wife who could keep up with him....he just says 'that's your stuff honey' and doesn't take it on (thank goodness, cause i really don't mean any of it!)...so, my question for you is: could it be that she is feeling inadequate because you are trucking right along on your therapy and she is having a hard time? just a thought...not to get too analytical or anything, but maybe there is more of an argument for leaving it completely alone, and not just at bedtime...and in simpler terms, forgive me for saying so and with all due respect, she is also acting like a petulant child when she makes you wear her anger--i can relate, i've been there myself)and maybe the time has come for you to ignore that behaviour and not indulge or engage...

frapilu · Post by **frapilu** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 1:51 pm

Sharon1965,

You'd better make sure that hubby of yours NEVER sees that post of yours because you KNOW we're not supposed to admit that kind of thing. We're supposed to blame THEM for everything

France

sharon1965 · Post by **sharon1965** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 1:56 pm

france

good point! although in his work as JC, he's already evolved way beyond buying into any of that...when we get irrational around here, the response is usually "take it to your therapist"

all joking aside, though, for bob: a very wise woman taught me to ask myself, whenever i was frustrated with someone who i thought could and should benefit from my vast wisdom (read that with sarcasm), "am i being right, or am i being kind?" sometimes you can't be both

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 4:06 pm

Frap,

My wife does that VERY well, thank you

Sharon,

I am trying to be patient with her, and I feel am succeeding. Of course, that is my opinion.

However, since my last post, she talked to the sleep center. She had let them know about her inability to breathe when she is laying down with the mask on. All they suggested was she up the setting on her heated humidifier. Hmm, makes me wonder if it will work or not.

Linda3032 · Post by **Linda3032** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 4:59 pm

Anonymous wrote:Frap,

My wife does that VERY well, thank you

Sharon,

I am trying to be patient with her, and I feel am succeeding. Of course, that is my opinion.

However, since my last post, she talked to the sleep center. She had let them know about her inability to breathe when she is laying down with the mask on. All they suggested was she up the setting on her heated humidifier. Hmm, makes me wonder if it will work or not.

We all know that probably won't work, but don't tell her that!!!

sharon1965 · Post by **sharon1965** » Thu Apr 12, 2007 6:26 pm

well, bob, keep a cool head and a loving heart

she'll get there

good luck

BobF4 · Post by **BobF4** » Fri Apr 13, 2007 10:11 am

Linda,

Surprise of surprises....it didn't work! I didn't tell her I thought it wouldn't work, either. I tried to show her how to adjust the humidifier, but she didn't want to be bothered with it, so I adjusted it myself, from 2 to 5 (maximum setting). Last night, the moment she put on her mask (and she is using my backup mask (Ultra Mirage), not the ComfortGel mask she was given), she yanked it off, and said "I can't do it!" She said it over and over again, too. So its not the machine at all...it is the mask.

I will be on her to call the sleep center this afternoon (when she gets home from work and online) and ask about the nasal pillow mask I had suggested a week ago to her. Sometimes it stinks to still be at work when she gets home from her job. Whether or not that helps remains to be seen, but it could be her best bet to use the CPAP machine on a regular basis, instead of the 5 seconds on and off 3-4 times since she got the machine on the 9th.

Sharon,

I'm trying to keep a cool and loving heart about it. Like I said before, I refuse to discuss this with her at night, since she gets extremely irritable about it, we yell for a bit, and I ultimately end up sleeping ont eh couch for a few hours. Its hard, but I am honestly trying my best to not raise my voice to her late at night.

SelfSeeker · Post by **SelfSeeker** » Fri Apr 13, 2007 10:37 am

I have so many comments to make. This post would be filled with quotes.

Bob, a little info. It does not matter if an argument happened early in the morning or late at night. A woman would remember it and the feelings that went with it.

Bob does your wife have other medical issures that may be contributing to her not being able to breath when laying down. Is the pressure enough for her? Is she having congestive heart failure problems or other lung problems.

I need to find the post from Kathy about it may not be CPAP related. An eye opener for me.

Ask your wife if she thinks less of you in any way. (You can tell her I am asking this.) Does she think you will not see her as sexy or whatever because of it.

Bob if your wife is claustrophobic, I really like the Nasal aire II and the Hybrid, nothing in front of my eyes.

Also, with the humidifer on, my nose would get completely congested. Just some thoughts.

Den, I am a woman. I am not kicking or screaming when it comes to CPAP.

The not wanting to put one in, I think is really not gender based. Much more of a personality issue.

I agree with Sharon, It may be coming an issues of wills.

LOL France.

Sharon1965,

You'd better make sure that hubby of yours NEVER sees that post of yours because you KNOW we're not supposed to admit that kind of thing. We're supposed to blame THEM for everything

France

Mask	Humidifier

Additional Comments: 15,332 hours on old machine (RemStar Pro with C-flex; received 3/3/2003, retired 10/5/2010)

Mask

Additional Comments: Pressure MinE 11 MaxI 17.5