apnea - just diagnosed - effect on marriage

[cpap_newbie_24]

Hi Everyone,

I've been married for about 6 months, and my wife (after countless fights about my lack of energy) discovered that I might have sleep apnea. It was just confirmed yesterday and my CPAP resmed s9 autoset is on its way. Used a trial version for the first time yesterday.

Its all a bit overwhelming. The thought of sleeping with this contraption on my face for the rest of my life depresses me. Also yesterday while lying in bed, I couldn't help but sympathize with my wife - having to share a bed with this sickly looking person and this huge mask on his face for the rest of her life. When I had some trouble getting it on and making it comfortable, she was supportive. But this morning there was some tension between us. I can tell that the thought of sharing a bed with this 'third partner' (her words) does not really appeal to her either. She is not threatening to leave me or anything but seems a bit resentful and said she should be appreciated for putting up with it. Consequently I feel resentful - it has only been a day - am still adjusting to this as well, and it is not something that I can help. I also saw her googling surgeries for sleep apnea and this really irritated me as well.

Anyway it has just been a day - and I fear a future filled with further such issues. Any advice would be appreciated on how to reduce the effects of the CPAP on my marriage. Any threads with related info would also be useful.

Thanks!

[ughwhatname]

Hi Everyone,

I've been married for about 6 months, and my wife (after countless fights about my lack of energy) discovered that I might have sleep apnea. It was just confirmed yesterday and my CPAP resmed s9 autoset is on its way. Used a trial version for the first time yesterday.

Its all a bit overwhelming. The thought of sleeping with this contraption on my face for the rest of my life depresses me. Also yesterday while lying in bed, I couldn't help but sympathize with my wife - having to share a bed with this sickly looking person and this huge mask on his face for the rest of her life. When I had some trouble getting it on and making it comfortable, she was supportive. But this morning there was some tension between us. I can tell that the thought of sharing a bed with this 'third partner' (her words) does not really appeal to her either. She is not threatening to leave me or anything but seems a bit resentful and said she should be appreciated for putting up with it. Consequently I feel resentful - it has only been a day - am still adjusting to this as well, and it is not something that I can help. I also saw her googling surgeries for sleep apnea and this really irritated me as well.

Anyway it has just been a day - and I fear a future filled with further such issues. Any advice would be appreciated on how to reduce the effects of the CPAP on my marriage. Any threads with related info would also be useful.

Thanks!

In your first sentence, you mentioned countless fights about your lack of energy. Its possible that once your wife sees the positive changes in your energy levels, she may come to appreciate the 'third partner.'

[John from Brookston]

"She should be appreciated for putting up with it"?

OK, I missed something here, You're the one wearing it, right?

This isn't about her, you're the one with Apnea. If you were diabetic would she expect extra props for "putting up" with your needles, vials and finger-pricking stuff? Time for her to grow up and put on the Big Girl Panties.

[kaiasgram]

Hi cpap newbie, welcome to the forum. The S9 Autoset is a pretty quiet machine, is that the one you're using right now? You mentioned the huge mask -- is it a full face mask, nasal (over the nose), or nasal pillow (sits just below the nostrils)? Did you have the opportunity to try some different masks? The type of mask as well as leaks will also affect how much noise you'll both have to deal with. Be aware, too, that the surface your machine sits on can make a very significant difference as far as noise -- I'll see if I can dig up a recent thread on this subject and post a link to it.

The marital tension -- it's definitely an adjustment for both of you so do give yourselves and each other some time. I'm guessing that neither of you had a great night last night so no wonder the tension and feelings of resentment. But that "third party" in the bedroom while it feels pretty intrusive at first, can become an ally when you and she discover that you have more energy, and when you take steps to minimize the noise issues. Some people use a white noise machine or fan to buffer the inhale/exhale pattern of noise. Other people will have more suggestions too.

Well as a marriage & family therapist I'd encourage you to talk openly about how you feel and give each other lots of room to be shell-shocked and uncertain how you're going to get used to this. Forgive her for googling surgeries, it sounds like sleep deprivation and frustration-driven. Instead of letting the stress turn adversarial between you, agree to be on the same team and start problem-solving together about how to adjust to this as a couple. (Easy advice, I know, but not so easy to do -- but give it a try.)



Edit: Found the thread I was looking for: viewtopic/t90951/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=90 ... ce#p830230

[Julie]

First of all, who says it's for 'the rest of your life'? Technology's moving very fast these days and things change in a minute.

Secondly, get her to read what this is about... not just snoring or being tired, but life and death! Ask her if your having a stroke would be preferable, or dying in your sleep.

And besides, once she's asleep, who's to know or care?

[FreeFlight]

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have a medical condition that you did not create or cause - it just is what it is.

Wearing a mask will prolong your life and it will also mean you will have more energy and zest for life.

Personally I feel your wife saying she needs to be appreciated putting up with you wearing it, is being ridiculous and mean. It is demeaning you and making you feel bad for something that you cannot help and that will actually benefit you.

I am new to the mask too, it is a massive thing to know you have to wear it for the rest of your life and adopting this into your life is a huge adjustment. I totally understand that thought, it is very difficult, new and scary. Being made to feel bad about it on top of your own adjustments must feel terrible for you.

[nanwilson]

I would suggest you do some reading here.. and read some more...........
There are ways that have been discussed here that would help you both adapt to the machine.. firstly if the air is blowing on her then use a pillow between your head and hers, secondly, do you know how to spoon, you snuggle up to her back and put your arms around her... if not then just turn yourself away and sleep not facing each other, and thirdly and most importantly for a young couple...... once your energy come back guess what.. so does your sex drive . Bet you both will like that one....................
Cheers
Nan

[Starlette]

Welcome cpap_newbie_24.

One added point about snuggling (spooning) with your wife, I've done this every time with my husband. Once he feels my snuggling, he'll put the bedding over his neck and I lay my head on top of the blanket so I'm not breathing on him, and/or purposely put my head slightly away from him so as to breath less on him. Let me assure you, I'm not going to let any sleep apnea equipment prevent me from doing what I like to do with my hubbs.

If you're one like me who doesn't like sleeping on one side, I'd like to suggest getting this or something like this: CozyHoze Boss™ It will give you more freedom in bed, meaning it will allow you to roll side to side.

Starlette

[BlackSpinner]

Putting up with it? Baloney - you are wearing it while she is asleep, there is nothing to "put up" with. It is not like she is changing your depends after you had a stroke.

[drj130]

Hi cpap_newbie_24,

I think that I can relate to this very well. The first time my wife and really slept together in the same bed for any period of time, was when I visited her in Russia. I love to cuddle with my wife when we go to bed and I never heard a peep out of her... Until It was 2 days before I was to go back to the states because my vacation was over. She told me, "David, I love you very much, but if you don't do something about your snoring, we will not sleep in the same bed again." She put up with me snoring right in her ear for almost 30 days. That is a strong woman I think.
At the time I didn't give it much thought until some of my Soldiers started to complain about it as well. Went and got checked out and now I have my machine.
When I went back to Russia again, it was the first time she had seen something like this and she had a look in her eye like she didn't want it near her. We sat down and talked about what it does and how it helps me live better. She even asked me how long I would have to use it because she thought it was a temporary thing and even asked about maybe having a surgery (which in my case wouldn't work anyways).
Now the talking was great and all, but I really won her over when we went to bed that night. I set everything up, put on the mask and fell asleep. Come the next morning, she didn't say anything about the machine or nothing and we went about doing things around the house and having friends over. That night, while we were laying in bed, I fell asleep without putting on my mask (shame on me I know), BUT, as soon as I started cutting down some red woods, she woke me up and said "David, put on mask". From that day on, she never had a problem with the machine and has always helped me to remember to use my machine. Every time we talk before I go to see her, she reminds me to bring my machine. Our life has gotten better with it I think.

Just a little from my life.

[zorki1c]

If you wife has a problem with your CPAP then apnea may be the least of your problems.

My mate got a CPAP several years before me. Her snoring had reached the point where it was affecting our relationship because I couldn't sleep in the same room with her. CPAP solved that. The fact that she had to wear a mask at night has never bothered me. In fact, now we both have them.

[SleepyCPAP]

How about show her the sherman's lagoon comic:
http://shermanslagoon.com/comics/may-22-2011/

--SleepyCPAP

[kaiasgram]

Putting up with it? Baloney - you are wearing it while she is asleep, there is nothing to "put up" with.

Sometimes it's the other way around -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9lLSw9Rtjs

[2 B Sleeping Soundly]

drj130,

Good post about your experience using a PAP machine and your girlfriends reaction to it. I think it is a good reminder for us that PAP therapy is a ongoing process for us and even those we share our lives with. It can take time for all involved in this life change to work through and accept that things will be different. IMO, different is not better or worse, but just different. We all experience and adapt to many changes and challenges throughout our lives. Using this equipment every night to treat and provide what is for most of us a life saving therapy is vitally important for our long term health, well being, and to be around for those we love and share our lives with.

John

[Drowsy Dancer]

Ever seen "Top Gun"? You can role-play "MIG fighter pilot" during sexy time.