apnea - just diagnosed - effect on marriage

Putting up with the snoring, gasping, kicking, choking, and fear for your partner is much more difficult than sleeping with someone wearing a mask. My husband disturbs my sleep when he doesn't wear his. I wanted to move to the other BR but I was afraid to leave him. Who would be there to jab him and make him breathe. Hose management does help a lot. As for air blowing on your partner just put something between you. I remember hot breath in my face. Yuck! What is a little exhaust from the mask?

I agree with a lot of the comments here. This is about working on your relationship. You are new in your marriage, you will work thru a lot of issues and need to find good ways to discuss things. That means saying how you feel without the other person taking it like a criticism of them. Working together to solve problems. Working towards long term goals of health.

A lot of what we "get" from what people say is inside of us (e.g. our interpretation of their facial expressions, sighs, where their eyes look, etc.). And a LOT of the time we are wrong. What you see as tension and maybe disapproval might be her fears of you dying. So open communication is required - how do you feel about this? What are your concerns? What would make it easier? With BOTH people saying this (not just you adjusting to everything she is saying but not taking care of you). Then both work to find solutions, with the help of others (lots of good info here, just ask).

My husband got his, and I was the one saying No, you HAVE to wear this, every time you lie down to rest or go to sleep. I researched all the things that might make it easier for him (aromatherapy, hose hangers, etc), he choose what he wanted to try (he was working long hours at the time and I had more time, and I naturally do research - lol). It took him a couple of weeks to get past waking up in panic with an octopus on his face. But after a month or two he loved it and now won't be without it. And is willingly putting up with oximeter and other things we are trying.

This is something big. You NEED her support and understanding. She needs to know you will be ok, that treated apena is fine, untreated is the problem.

Oh, and it is common for people to not have the skills to work thru problems, this comes with age (but only in some of us I admit), or in youngsters with very good parents. So if the talking seems to make things worse, not better, find a counselor to help you guys work things out.

And thank her for pointing out about your energy level, she certainly lengthened your life. You are married, this is a good time for you guys to practice working together towards common goals (e.g. health and a lifestyle including sleeping specifics that you both live with).

CpapWife wrote:I agree with a lot of the comments here. This is about working on your relationship. You are new in your marriage, you will work thru a lot of issues and need to find good ways to discuss things. That means saying how you feel without the other person taking it like a criticism of them. Working together to solve problems. Working towards long term goals of health.

A lot of what we "get" from what people say is inside of us (e.g. our interpretation of their facial expressions, sighs, where their eyes look, etc.). And a LOT of the time we are wrong. What you see as tension and maybe disapproval might be her fears of you dying. So open communication is required - how do you feel about this? What are your concerns? What would make it easier? With BOTH people saying this (not just you adjusting to everything she is saying but not taking care of you). Then both work to find solutions, with the help of others (lots of good info here, just ask).

My husband got his, and I was the one saying No, you HAVE to wear this, every time you lie down to rest or go to sleep. I researched all the things that might make it easier for him (aromatherapy, hose hangers, etc), he choose what he wanted to try (he was working long hours at the time and I had more time, and I naturally do research - lol). It took him a couple of weeks to get past waking up in panic with an octopus on his face. But after a month or two he loved it and now won't be without it. And is willingly putting up with oximeter and other things we are trying.

This is something big. You NEED her support and understanding. She needs to know you will be ok, that treated apena is fine, untreated is the problem.

Oh, and it is common for people to not have the skills to work thru problems, this comes with age (but only in some of us I admit), or in youngsters with very good parents. So if the talking seems to make things worse, not better, find a counselor to help you guys work things out.

And thank her for pointing out about your energy level, she certainly lengthened your life. You are married, this is a good time for you guys to practice working together towards common goals (e.g. health and a lifestyle including sleeping specifics that you both live with).

This is well stated. Learning you have apnea, being the one to have to deal with sleeping in the mask is bad enough....feeling negativity from your mate is stress you don't need. Most mates are just naturally more accepting and supportive. I too hope that the two of you work things out, so you can be compliant without added stress from your mate and she learns to be accepting and supportive. You really need her support now and moving forward.
Wishing you the best!

I felt very weird about wearing the mask in front of my hubby, even though we've been married 20 years. It still made me feel like a weirdo at first.

Something practical that helped me was using nasal pillows mask instead of the full face or even nose mask. It just seems less present. And a lot less air leak noise, none actually, once I figured out the right size and brand.

And secondly, it helps me feel less self conscious when I go to sleep after my husband's already asleep. Even if its just a few minutes later.

Not sure if either of these two suggestions are feasible, but they've helped me.

I'm lucky that my CPAP doesn't seem to bother my husband in the least. But these are the ways I help myself feel less embarrassed per se.

Lastly, its easy for us to all say she needs to get a grip. But I can understand her feelings, even though we all don't like them. I'm sure she wishes she didn't feel that way. Being a young bride is hard enough, and throw in anything unusual to the mix and it doesn't help. That first year is a challenge no matter how you slice it, with or without a CPAP intrusion. Give her time to work through her own demons and if she's the woman you know and love, she'll come to her senses herself. If not, consider it a topic well worth exploring in some additional post pre-marital counseling so you both brace yourself for a lifetime of challenging dynamics.

The CPAP intrusion may be the best thing that could have happened to your young marriage to help her recalibrate her priorities and allow the both of you to forge strong bonds early. Lord knows we all run into unexpected challenges during the course of life. Use this experience to ready yourselves. Don't just let it fester or blow over unaddressed.

Good luck.

You're lucky, when I started cpap I wasn't afraid of losing my wife; I thought they were going to make me shave my beard.

The Mrs. will be happy once you stop snoring and your energy level comes back up. Soldier on my friend; as 'ol Billy Shakespeare once wrote, the world must be peopled.

Speaking of which, if you think you're exhausted and stressed out now; just wait till the stork shows up.

tell your wife to be glad you arent getting CPAP in 2000 rather than 2013. the noise on the older machines was awful. now its just like a little white noise machine. also, as others have said but not to be underestimated, the noise of your breathing is SOOO much better than the sound of snoring, snorting, and gasping that many untreated people with sleep apnea have. she'll come around. dont feel guilty about it, be glad you are getting treatment to prolong your life. she will too when she reads what untreated sleep apnea can do. and if you get your treatment under control, you are going to have lots more energy, guaranteed.

I have to admit, I was pretty anxious when I first showed my fiancee the bipap machine... hosehead isn't exactly a sexy look. We were both a little skeptical about sleeping with all that stuff at first, but she slept the entire first night without earplugs and I had coffee ready and breakfast starting before she woke up the next morning . More than anything that helped her to appreciate the real benefits the machine provides and she has been very supportive ever since.

I really liked feeling the added energy, but I am more of a data guy, so for me it really clicked when I could see my breathing at night in the software. I could see myself falling asleep, see my breathing settle into that perfect rhythm of the sleeping... and then I could "see" my airway collapsing, my breaths getting shallower, the flatline as I began suffocating, the pressure pulses from the machine, and finally these giant gasping breaths as I awakened enough to clear my airway and fight for the oxygen my body needed to stay alive... then I could see my breathing settle back down into sleep and the cycle start all over again. Hour after hour of sleeping, suffocating, and fighting to live was horrifying to see played out on my screen. Can you imagine the terror you'd feel if you were awake? Ever since then I mentally picture OSa as being waterboarded in your sleep. Why would I, or anyone who loved me, want me to go through that night after night? With that new perspective, the damage to the adrenaline system, the heart, blood pressure, and even the brain doesn't seem at all exaggerated anymore. The machine is a very small disruption to live with given the degree to which it is reducing that damage to my body.

I'd advise both of you to just give it some time to adjust before making any decisions or changes. I have only been using it for about a month, but I am almost certain that a year from now the bipap will be such a regular part of our night that we would both be miserable without it. I'm starting to find the mask and air pressure a little comforting as I fall asleep... I think my brain is beginning to associate the mask with breathing easily. My fiancee wakes up for strange or loud noises, but she is finding she actually sleeps better now as the "normal" background sound of the bipap covers random noises from the neighborhood and I don't snore any more. Perhaps you two will find the same kind of acceptance as you get used to the change.

I find the gentle hum of my hubby's machine comforting knowing his heart and lungs are getting what they need and he's getting restful sleep which is prolonging his life. Your wife should be grateful you have a disorder that can be treated rather than a fatal disease with no hope. Please try to get her to read this forum and all the success stories and you get educated here and ask questions too. We're here to help you succeed. Keep us posted and good luck.

Something that I forgot to say in my last post here is that now when we have people come over, Marina has me show the machine and masks off to our friends. She is proud that I have this "other" woman.

I've only been on CPAP since February, but its changed my life. Prior to CPAP, my snoring and "stop breathing" got soo bad - we were sleep on separate floors of the house. One of us had to sleep on the couch. After a while....that really started to get to me - sleeping alone. So I went to get a sleep study for my wife. I learned my untreated AHI was 131. I'm so quite now, Now my wife doesn't even know I'm in the bed with her.

When I first got my machine I was really struggling to keep the mask on and fall asleep. I finally dozed off and my husband woke me up to tell me air was blowing in his face. I pulled the mask off threw it across the room ran out and slammed the door so hard it jarred the whole house. He came in the room where I was and asked me what was wrong. I told him I was trying to make up my mind whether to throw my machine in the trash or move to the other bedroom. He said he couldn't sleep with air blowing in his face. I told him that I couldn't sleep with his hot breath blowing in my face but I never woke him up because of it. I just rolled over. He apologized and has never complained again. Without his cooperation I would have failed because his apnea was worse than mine and I was afraid to not sleep with him and make sure he kept breathing. Now we are both hose heads.

I understand your feelings because when I first started using a CPAP, I was terrified that my boyfriend would not find me desirable. But, knowing how much it has helped me, and how much more energized I am when it comes to 'us' time, he has been extremely supportive. Give it some time and I think she will come back around.

As a young married couple everything is about getting to know each other better and communication. You are going through enough with getting this diagnosis, having to adjust to sleeping with a mask and other issues. I can guarantee that I was angry as heck when they told me I had apnea. I had major issues with my tonsils for years and at the age of 49 they took them out. It has helped with my apnea however I may always have it as I have a narrow airway due to an accident as a child. You will have more energy so keep at it. Don't be afraid to say to your DME that you don't like the mask. I think I went through 3 of them before I found my Pilairo. Hang in there and just keep talking to her. It's about you and saving your life!

Ugh, it's times like this I'm quite happy to be single.

Partner complains about the lack of energy, and then complains about the solution. Some people just like to complain and start fights.

I understand the changes will take some getting used to, but, when you say you've only been married 6 months, was the lack of energy issue not present prior to the marriage? Did the fights only start afterwards? If so, why wasn't it an issue before?

TBH, from what I'm seeing, the issue isn't the mask, or the energy, but your partner unwilling to compromise.

Puleese! Get a grip!

My wife laughs at my space mask as I say "Liftoff" and push the button!

And just after 3 weeks on APAP, my wife told me yesterday that the machine was worth its weight in gold after I washed and waxed the car after changing the oil, cut the grass and mopped the kitchen floor!!!

Energy and a good outlook beats lethargy and depression any day!