My husband is an a$$hole seriously!

[Goofproof]

I am sure the signs were there all 10 years. A being a true A$$hole requires lots of training, the cure is finding someone that can beat it out of them, that needs to be applied at a early age, the older they get the less chance of curing them, and requires a heavier baseball bat, Some can't see the big picture, some are so into themselves, they don't care about any one but themselves. Jim

[kaiasgram]

Hi Mzlaura -- You know we all support you and feel for you, only three weeks into treatment and hearing such insensitive comments from your hubby. But none of us are in a position to be as judgmental and condemning of him as some of the responses here have been. We don't know anything about him other than the one thing you shared in your post. I hope others whose spouses/partners had a tough time adjusting will report in to give you some encouragement and ideas about how you might get through this.

[apsews]

He sounds way too much like my husband. He was pretty unsupportive when I first brought mine home too(it has only been a week and a half)and I think it is out of ignorance and not dealing well with change. I think all my husband seen was this ugly thing on my face(he called me a fighter pilot)and alot of $$$$ coming out of his pocket(I do have insurance). I am not sure he believes that I have had a physical condition that caused me to be so sleepy in the daytime,I believe he thought I have just been being lazy(I have been this way most all of the 25 years we have been together). I have been determined for the last several months to find out what was going on. I believe sleep apnea has been there most of my life and has just now caught up with me and started causing so many health problems. Just hang in there and know that all spouses don't act like we want them to all the time but that that doesn't always mean they are a bad person, just making poor judgements. I love my husband dearly but that doesn't mean there aren't times that I really do not like him or the things he says.

[Chuck Connors]

Has he been with you at any of your sleep doc appointments? I suspect not. CPAP is not only an adjustment for the patient, but also for the spouse or significant other as well. I think he just needs to get educated about what sleep apnea is. Perhaps during the process, he'll recognize some of the symptoms of having sleep apnea in himself and ultimately go in for an overnight sleep test. Also, I believe that there are support groups for family members. Be sure to take him along to your next sleep doc appointment. Having good support at home is important for long-term success. -Chuck-

[Greg6657]

mzlaura1884,

I'm sorry your having this problem. Just as an FYI for you, my wife has MS and we had to go through a big adjustment period when she first started treatment. Then 4 years ago I was diagnosed with Moderately/sever OSA with centrals. I never really thought my wife didn't care, but I started having some issues lately with my apnea and had to make a list to talk to my doctor about, well long story short she found the list and that is when she realized how serious the condition is. She's always been supportive but since she read the list she has taken a bigger role in my therapy and is a little more accepting when I'm tired or just don't have it in me to do something. Don't give up on your treatment even if he wont support you, its your health not his.

[justpam]

mzlaura,
I usually just read and read and read, but,,,since this is something I can relate to, here goes.
I won't pretend to know your husband or your situation. My husband and I have been married 26 yrs and there are still times I'd like to take that brick someone offered you and work out some frustrations of my own. That being said, he, too, thought this cpap thing was a temporary situation. It boiled down to simple ignorance. He honestly didn't know what OSA was/is. Like a lot people, he thought the extent of OSA was the snoring. He was supportive when I went for the sleep studies and the pulmonary specialist visits. He was thankful when my snoring was no longer disturbing his sleep. He was happy for me when I started feeling much better and less "lazy". He was pleased when I started enjoying life a little more.
Then,,,the bills started rolling in...Already being on a snug budget, he was less than happy to learn this wasn't a quick fix situation. He provides BCBS insurance and since neither of us has had previous health problems, he wasn't aware of how the insurance really worked. To be honest, neither was I. You know, 20 bucks to go see the Dr., 8 bucks for a prescription..That was the extent of our using our insurance before CPAP. Live and learn.
Anyway, when he asked, "You don't have to use that thing forever, do you?" (keep in mind, I KNOW this man). I simply replied, "No,no, I don't have to use it at all. I can go back to snoring like a freight train, quit cleaning the house, quit cooking dinner, all because I won't feel like doing anything, and I didn't really mind those horrible morning headaches at all". When I mentioned the headaches, he changed his attitude. He's now learning what OSA really is and he's noticing more and more changes in me and how I feel. He can be an A$$, but he's a bigger A$$ when he's not educated on something. He absolutely hates being blind-sided by ignorance. In this situation we were both blind-sided. I'm learning and I'm teaching him and life is good again.
I wish you the best and I'm so glad this forum is here to support you.

Pam

[robysue]

mzlaura,

As others have said, only you know your hubby well enough to figure out if this is a momentary piece of A$$hood or yet another example of a long term history of being an A$$ about numerous things that are important to you. After all, anybody can behave like an A$$ now and then, and being whopped upside the head by a major life change that you didn't anticipate and that you don't fully understand can lead to moments of behaving like an A$$ in even the best of us.

That said, it's not clear to me how exactly you are going to educate hubby about OSA. You write:

He says again "YOU DON'T NEED THAT THING, DO YOU NEED IT BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID OF DYING IN YOUR SLEEP, IF YOU WERE GOING TO DIE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LONG TIME AGO" Wow just Wow. I then told him i think he needs one too because he snores pretty badly himself all though i know he would never ever even go for testing! I said so do you think someone who has heart meds shouldn't take them just because it's medication he says yes! (emphasis added)

So you're fighting more than (simple) anti-CPAP prejudice here: Hubby seems to be willing to reject modern American medicine as a whole. And so the whole bring hubby with you to the sleep doc's and let him ask some questions and listen to the doc idea does not seem like it's likely to work. Hubby doesn't trust docs, so he's not going to listen to your sleep doc no matter what the sleep doc says.

You go on to write:

He is of african decent born and raised and i honestly don't know if this has anything to do with his "beliefs of medicine" or if he is just an ass! I don't even know how to feel right now.. kind of ashamed to even post that my husband of 6 years said this to me! We have 1 child together and have been together "10 years"

My guess is that your OSA is the first serious, long-term chronic health condition that either of you has faced in your time together. And hence attitudes towards doctors and medicine is simply something that's not come up before in the cross cultural discussions that the two of you have undoubtedly had during your years together. And that might be an appropriate starting place: Have a conversation about doctors and American medicine in general rather than focusing the conversation on your current medical needs. Ask polite questions about why he holds his beliefs and try to assess whether they are culturally based and whether his general beliefs do or do not mesh with his telling you that CPAP is a waste of your time and (his?) money. And try not to "judge" his belief system no matter how ridiculous it may sound to you while you are talking to your hubby.

Once you tease apart how much of his outburst was based in a general distrust of all things medical, how much was based in a general distrust of the whole OSA/CPAP mess in particular, and how much was a simple case of "open mouth, insert foot" that he didn't actually mean and that came out "wrong", you'll be in a better position to figure out what you need to do to persuade hubby to get on board and be supportive or (at a minimum) not stand in your way of doing what you know you need to do so that hubby is not raising that child of yours all alone because you've had a stoke or a car accident caused by falling asleep at the wheel due to untreated OSA.

[Heavylids]

Well mzlaura,

It's never to late to correct a mistake...even after 10 years. Or, while he's sound asleep, hold a pillow over his face and press down hard to show him what it's like to have OSA. Stay on the cpap and if he keeps up the a$$holery divorce the turd and find someone who cares about you as much as you do.

[brucifer]

Laura, I know you're upset with the lack of support from your husband. The good thing though is that your CPAP therapy has been working for you marvelously! Try to focus on that BIG positive and run with it!

If you can do so in a calm but firm way, explain to your husband that your therapy is working for you and that you plan to stick with it as long as you feel it is necessary. Understand too that your therapy also requires an adjustment from your husband. He needs space to work through it in his mind and on his terms. Be patient with him, but you stick to your guns.

That being said, posting on an open forum that your husband is an "asshole" and adding race to the mix isn't constructive. It doesn't add to your complaint, at least not in a way that reflects positively on you. I'm a strong believer in sticking up one's spouse and children in public. Behind closed doors, speak your mind, but in public you two should treat each other with honor, even if you do think he's being a jerk at home. Anyway, you're an intelligent woman. You can convey your situation and your feelings here without bashing him on this forum. Maybe with a little patience on your part, he will come around.

You know you have our support. Hopefully you'll have your husband's support soon too. If not, that will be his loss, but in the meantime, try to stay positive. Best of luck.

[BlackSpinner]

The biggest hurdle to change is often the people who are closest to you. If you change it means they have to invest energy in dealing with the new you. They have to learn to relate to a new person and they don't want to. They have a vested interest in the old person. Often the old you met a need they had and this new person does not.

Just maybe he liked it that you were tired, sickly and very dependent on him, it made him feel big and strong. A healthy energetic partner threatens his masculinity. This means that the cpap treatment is working well (even if you don't notice the changes yet, he has). Keep using it and tell him to go for therapy about his attitude because it is his problem and not yours.

[nanwilson]

I must say Laura, I agree with what Brucifer said about a public forum is not the place to air dirty laundry. You are upset and angry with his remarks and you do need to talk it out with him.......but not here...perhaps you could sit down and have a good calm talk with him sometime today and discuss your hurt feelings with him...He is probably hurting too and we ALL tend to lash out when we are hurting. He lashed out at you with his comments and you in turn have lashed out at him on the forum. A calm, one on one discussion needs to take place, at home, just the two of you.
I wish you good luck and hope that you both come to the best resolution possible.
Cheers
Nan

[BlackSpinner]

[quote="nanwilson"]I must say Laura, I agree with what Brucifer said about a public forum is not the place to air dirty laundry. You are upset and angry with his remarks and you do need to talk it out with him.......but not here../quote]

Wrong. This is exactly the place to rant on those issues and get the immediate stress off. Then she can talk with a clear head.
It is also good for other people to realize that cpap therapy affects your whole life. If we can have threads on sex with cpap, we can have threads for people who are having relationship difficulties. There have been plenty of threads with "My spouse won't support me" or "My spouse won't use their cpap" no -one said they shouldn't post those. What is different with this one?

[chunkyfrog]

I think we've seen spouses who have worse denial than the patient.
A guy rolls over in bed and suddenly it looks like his wife is on life support.
He may be wondering if it's contagious; he just doesn't want to face it, even if it means learning enough to quell his fear.
Men traditionally have lower life expectancy due to the fact that they are "too tough to let a little pain bother me".
(That could be engraved on a lot of headstones.)
Suffice it to say that at least ONE of you needs to survive to care for your child.
Dads don't always make it.

[Starlette]

I agree with BS on this one.

[robysue]

I must say Laura, I agree with what Brucifer said about a public forum is not the place to air dirty laundry. You are upset and angry with his remarks and you do need to talk it out with him.......but not here..

Wrong. This is exactly the place to rant on those issues and get the immediate stress off. Then she can talk with a clear head.
It is also good for other people to realize that cpap therapy affects your whole life. If we can have threads on sex with cpap, we can have threads for people who are having relationship difficulties. There have been plenty of threads with "My spouse won't support me" or "My spouse won't use their cpap" no -one said they shouldn't post those. What is different with this one?

I agree with BlackSpinner here. The advantage of ranting here is that you're not ranting with hubby face-to-face.

We all have our bad days. Maybe hubby was having one when he said the unsupportive things. Mzlaura was definitely having a bad day (with good reason) when she posted the rant. Better to call hubby an A$$hole here and get it off the chest than blurt it out directly to his face and make a bad situation even worse.