Another good question from DSM. Yes, definitely more anxiety than usual. Anxiety and feeling a bit less hopeful than usual. I think I usually approach life's troubles with an attitude of "How am I going to do this? What do I need to do to make this work?" Which, of course, implies, at some level, a belief that it will work and that I can do this. I think with my xpap activities, I right now have many more thoughts of "This isn't going to work" and "I can't do this."dsm-guested wrote:How much do you think anxiety is intruding into your xpap activities/experiments and sleep ? ( it can play a significant spoiler role)
Are you aware of higher than normal levels of anxiety at the moment ?
Yesterday afternoon, I took a nap and ended up turning the machine off after about 20 minutes. I kept feeling a bump in my breathing. Inhale- bump- exhale. And I felt like the machine was forcing itself on me, like my airway was being raped by the pressure. I turned it off, cussed at it for awhile, rolled over, and rested for awhile. When I went to bed, I didn't have Happy Joyful thoughts about the machine. Again, that bump when I was breathing. So, I reset everything back to the original ASV settings and fell asleep with no troubles. I will post the graph later.
I have never felt hatred toward my machine before. Never felt resentful towards it. I have, up until now, viewed my machine as a New Friend. Something interesting, novel, something that would help me. I liked my machine. The first night I used it, I could only keep the mask on for twenty minutes and then took it off and shut it all down. But as I did, I was thinking, "Okay, what is the problem? What do I need to do tomorrow to change the circumstances here so I can use this thing, all night, every night?" And then next day, I made those changes and pretty have used it all night, every night, since then.
But now, there is much more sense of "Why bother? It's not going to work anyway." Maybe at this point, I am seeing the source of the problem as ME and not the machine? It's not me adjusting to the machine or me and the machine learning to live Happily Ever After. It is ME-- my damaged, malfunctioning brain causing yet another problem. And then I think of all the things that could be going wrong with my breathing and I think of all the Worst Case Scenarios I can imagine and think about how this might be when my life comes crashing down, all because of my * brain stem. (*is where i would string out as many vile cuss words as i could.)
I was going to get a tattoo for my brain stem. I have been talking about it for a long time and finally got the rough plans for it worked out. And then we had to pay taxes and there was no money for that tattoo. Is this my brain stem's way of expressing its aggravation to me? If only I had gotten the tattoo sooner, I wouldn't be having these problems!
So, yeah, I am feeling more anxious. Frustrated. Betrayed. Scared. Lost. Less intrigued. Less interested. More tired of it all. And rather a bit surprised with myself. I had thought I was going to answer your question with a simple yes.
And in reply to NotMuffy:
One adaptive strategy I have developed is to do all my freaking out about the possibilities before I know what is going on. That way, if I am required to deal with a difficult situation once I get the answers, I am calm, in control, thinking clearly, and not freaking out. That strategy is adaptive only in certain situations. As I reminded myself in my note to self, this is not one of them.NotMuffy wrote:What, we need the PFT results for the next discussion point.Paper_Nanny wrote:Note to self:content of other people's notes to self is NOT sufficient reason for freaking out
Uh, yeah... I am trying to figure out the most entertaining voice, accent, and inflection for reading that sentence.NotMuffy wrote:See how easy this is?
I am thinking I will read that entire post many more times, and then I may have a faint glimmer of understanding.
Deborah