dating....do i bother?

[cflame1]

Being single I can totally relate. I've wondered about this topic for awhile.

[bluesky]

Boston Lass,

As a 52 year old male, married 24 years, I may not be the best qualified
to give you advice, but I was saddened to see that you somehow think you may not be good enough to date, form a relationship, etc., now that you will be using a CPAP. The fact that you use a CPAP doesn't make you flawed in any way. It simply means that you have the good sense to take care of yourself and do what is necessary to protect your health. This is only my opinion, but I have to tell you that any guy that would dump you eventually because you will take the necessary health measures needed to protect yourself is an incredibly shallow and uncaring individual and not the kind of person you would want to associate with anyway. I have found that time heals many things, including adjusting to a life using a CPAP. One of my friends recently had surgery for his cancer and I have to tell you that after seeing the way he is now disfigured as a result of it I am more than happy to use my APAP for eight hours a day then wake up in the morning, remove the mask, turn off the machine, be well rested and go about my business like a "normal person". My wife of 24 years has no problem at all with me using my machine - She actually prefers it, as she no longer has to hear the loud snoring, see me waking up gasping for air throughout the night, constantly stirring, having me cranky because I didn't sleep well, etc.
After I started using the APAP she actually told me that she also sleeps better.

Remember, you are not alone. There is a lot of support on this forum. Also, many communities have support groups for XPAP users. I have seen ads. for them in my area, but have never attended them so I know nothing about them.

Hang in there, and remember that using a XPAP is not the end of the world.
Best of luck.

[Handgunner45]

I honestly feel that the CPAP may make dating easier. Now when I take a lady to the movies I will not be nodding off only to be told later that I was snoring durring the movie. I will not be yawning durring dinner. I will have the energy to go for a walk. Yes, there may come that time when I will have to reveal my alter ego (hosehead), but it will be nicer getting to that point, and if that happens to be a deal killer.....I'm better off without her!!!!

[tooly125]

I think you will be amazed how many people Know about sleep apnea.
At first I was a little shy about talking about it,but I am amazed when I tell people about it how many of them say they already know someone else that uses cpap.
Just let it come up in conversation after all when you date someone what your really doing is learning about each other.
If you lose him after he finds out you use cpap then you know that cpap saved you from getting too involved with a loser.

_________________

CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): CPAP

[Handgunner45]

Just put a paper bag over your head so he doesn't notice.

I am sure we can all agree that this must be how booty is able to go out in public without facing ridicule.

[roztom]

I really can't add much to many of the good insights already posted here but I do believe that dating is discovery. Discovery of the possibilities.

It's where we show the best side of ourselves to attract a potential mate and then we gradually disclose our humanity, our truth, our vulnerabilities, even our failings.

It is in this disclosure of self, where intimacy and trust are born. Within this intimacy, where we disclose our true selves, is where trust is earned and the threads of commitment are sewn.

This is the make or break point of most relationships. It is here where we discover acceptance and appreciation for who we are or disqualify the prospective lifepartner.

Being on XPAP is only one of so many possibilities, in the scheme of things,
like anything someone not educated might react to, it should be delivered to a potential partner with patience and understanding - remembering what it was like when you were first diagnosed or were introduced to the equipment.

One of the main issues, of course, is its effect on intimacy. A routine should be set up that does not overly interfere with spontaneity. It will take some compromise. If someone truly values what you are about, adjusting to your needs while you work to meet there's is what it is all about.

In all relationships - IMHO, that is what it ultimately comes down to. If someone is not willing to join with you - it indicates a personality type and lack of depth and appreciation for what YOU are about.

Consider it a gift that you have avoided wasting your time and spending your emotional capital on those who are not qualified.

Best,

Tom

[Offerocker]

You can always tell him jokingly that you already have a 'bed mate'

I agree, let him know about apnea, educate him if he's interested (if not, you know what to do). Then, if he's a good guy, he'll further educate himself.

Just for fun, have a mask for him to wear too! He'll feed off of your light attitude, and you can both get a good laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, and a necessity in any relationship of any kind.

I used to be bothered when my husband watched me during my nightly ritual, but now I know he was interested and curious. Approach it all lightheartedly, and you'll be fine.

I like what Linda said about it taking no time at all to whip off that mask, ha ha!

[shyguy]

I just wanted to say that I found this thread very informative and was glad to see so much caring and consideration in the responses. I have been on cpap for a while now and had honestly not even considered dating issues regarding cpap.

I have dated a few women since starting cpap therapy and had no problems telling them about it. I never considered it a potential negative, to me cpap has always been a very positive experience. I doubt I would have had the energy to even pursue dating without cpap. To be honest it was nice to have something to talk about in the "tell me about yourself" getting to know each other phase.

It is difficult to find a delicate way to say this, but since you are truly concerned I thought I would share it anyway. I can honestly say that cpap has helped rather than hindered my dating life. I think one of the reasons I had not considered that some might view cpap use as a negative is because I have integrated it so fully into my dating life. I am not in the greatest shape physically and I tend to get a bit winded during certain activities. Lets just say I ended up using my cpap machine during some of those activities to help postpone getting winded a bit. Admittedly that did not become part of the routine right away, but it was well received. Granted it was a small survey group, but the results were positive.

The only real issue I have had associated with dating and cpap is the cuddling factor mentioned by others. That has not really proved to be a major issue for me as I prefer to do my cuddling prior to sleeping anyway. Positioning the hoses and air vents too not disturb anyone can be a bit tricky but after you figure it out it isn't too bad.

[GoofyUT]

Man, what a GREAT image!!!!!!!!

Chuck

[chdurie2]

bostonlass:

if you were not a cpap user, would you reject a guy because of the mask? i also am unmarried and have not dated since using cpap, and was concerned, but as others have said, i have to figure that it's part of accepting someone, warts and all. i once dated a guy who was not thrilled with my snoring, since he was a light sleeper. he might have liked cpap more.

caroline

[Guest]

don't pull out he big ugly mask on the first few nights you sleep together. I'm sure you have a little nasalAire II somewhere. That's what I wear when I have company. It's a cute little mask and doesn't make you look like a hospital patient. Seriously,don't even wear the headstrap, just the little velcro thing behind your neck. Once you figure she's a keeper, pull out the big ugly mask if ya want. She'll be use to it by then.

People will tell you it doesn't matter, but this Casanova isn't going to chance it.

[birdshell]

Personally, it seems to me that the whole CPAP usage issue is a BONUS!

Because you use the CPAP, any significant other WILL have to accept it. So many others have said many wise things about this.

If one is not smart enough to embrace your use of the CPAP--(and YOU while wearing it)--

Well, what better way to screen a possible future spouse?

[Grimace]

I haven't dealt with the dating issue since I started cpap a couple of months ago, but I have to think that a lady would rather deal with the hose and mask than my snoring, which registers on Richter scales in Japan. Anyway, based on my lousy luck at the game of love, I have to say that I'm better off with a good night's sleep.

[Sleepy-in-AL]

See this thread for tips on how not to pick up a potential date: viewtopic.php?t=4953 This is our very own funny man Mike Moran's pickup lines.

Seriously though, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. After you meet someone and they've had time to get to know you for who you are, you can discuss it. Its not something you have to discuss on the first date. I'm not sure I would wait until you are spending the night together to spring it on them, but its not what defines you as person.

As others have suggested, it should give you the advantage of being healthier, happier, and less exhausted. These things should help to improve your relationships. Also, as others have suggested, if someone has an issue with the xPAP treatment, are they someone you really want to have a relationship with?

Hang in there! Don't give up on the treatment or dating. There are people who care and the old saying about finding the right person when you least expect it really is true for a lot of people.

[Linda3032]

Maybe our "hosehead singles" can start emailing each other. Even if no lasting romance begins, you can make a friend and have someone to discuss the pitfalls of dating with.