How many marriages have been destroyed?

DoriC wrote:I have a confession. Since I'm one of the few active spouses here I receive so many kind and heartfelt compliments that have kept me going on some of my darkest days when that high praise was not warranted. Some of those dark days are now when I'm feeling rather resentful and sorry for myself as we go into the 2nd month of wound care, visiting nurses, physical therapy, Dr appointments, with no end in sight and Mike getting more debilitated. I always wanted us to grow old together but being a caregiver and nursemaid is not what I pictured. I hope you all won't think less of me but I needed to post this as today has been an especially hard day and it ain't over yet.

It's a good thing you said this, Dori! Otherwise the rest of us might imagine that in a perfect marriage, you feel perfectly, happily in love with every aspect of your life together. Then we'd all divorce our spouses and go off looking for that nonexistent version of love! You've saved a lot of marriages today!!

True love isn't so much a dreamy feeling that you have as it is an enduring commitment to give sacrificially --even, or perhaps especially, when you don't feel like it. --William R. Mattox, Jr.

The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it's not without doubt but in spite of doubt. --Rollo May

Dori.....

Thank you for your angelic humanity..... you are one of the reasons I continue to read this board. You are real......

Warm regards,
J

Beautifully said, SU.
Dori, you don't have to be a saint 24-7--sometimes we are indeed given such a large burden that we need to set it down once in a while and have a good cry. I am proud to lend a virtual shoulder. My prayers for you.

Dori, what you said is so honest and human, how could we think any less of you? Have you had a day off lately? Is it possible for you to have some respite...to go do something just for yourself, to recharge your batteries? Sending hugs to you.

HoseCrusher wrote:I am sorry Dori, but your actions speak much louder than your words or self assessment.

The simple fact is that you are an angel.

Pleased to make your acquaintance...

Tell Mike that thoughts and prayers from our household are with him.

Ditto.

Jeanette

I think someone alluded earlier to the fact that undiagnosed sleep apnea often doesn't look like illness. I'd venture to say at least a few of the spouses who left would not have made the same choice if they'd have known it was illness, and left feeling betrayed and thinking their partner was disinterested, uninvolved, distant, unwilling to make an effort, etc. (Yeah, I know, then there are those who'd have left anyway.)

Being once widowed, twice divorced, and never making it beyond 3.5 years, I'm certainly not qualified to speak on endurance in a relationship, like some here have spoken about. It's the stuff dreams are made of, having the security in a relationship of knowing that "it's you and me against the world". I admire (envy?) those couples, recognizing the character it takes to stay true to such a commitment in the face of changing circumstances. My hat is off to you!

This past week I'd been thinking about the principle of being willing to die for the object ones love. A noble sentiment (even biblical). What got me thinking was my 13yo grandson posted a video on YouTube singing a song about someone being willing to step into danger for their loved one, but that love was not reciprocated. My grandma heart thought, "Baby I hope it's a long time, or better yet, never, that you are so committed to someone who doesn't feel the same about you." The song was by Bruno Mars and called "Grenade", and it's the version Bruno sang on the Grammys a while back. If anyone is interested in seeing it, the link is below. Most are never called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice, just a lifetime of many selfless acts both big and small.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Vn9sbgv9Ks

Dori, I certainly don't think any less of you for sharing your human-ness with us. And I don't think anyone else does either. Caregiving, especially when it's around the clock, can be utterly exhausting--both emotionally and physically! None of us picture having to care for our spouse that way. I know that you must miss the companionship you once enjoyed with Mike too, and that probably makes this role of "nurse" even more trying. And there are always those concerns about "what's next."

Please do take extra-good care of yourself and reach out for help (from friends, family, synagogue, agencies, etc.) whenever you need to. There's no reason for you to carry the responsibility alone. Sometimes just stepping away for a few hours can give you a different perspective. Even the strongest and most devoted spouse needs a break now and then to recharge their own batteries.

I am sorry that you're having to go through these difficult times. You're a lovely woman with such a kind heart. Mike is so blessed to have you by his side!

DoriC wrote:Maddy, truthfully, what has me feeling even more upset with myself is reading your latest posts, so now to hear words of encouragement from of all people...you! You're a special lady even if you did make me cry!

Dori -- please don't be upset. We are on opposite sides of this "illness" situation and we can learn from and help each other. As a caregiver, you can help me understand my husband better -- and you do.

I have the utmost respect for you and love you for being such a strong and caring woman. And watching you helps me appreciate my husband all the more.

Please don't cry. If you do, then I'll cry. Then we'll both be crying -- and I can't afford to lose the fluids!!!

Well, thank you my friends! After reading of all your wisdom and affection, suddenly my shoulders have straightened a bit and I think the day will end on a better note although I'm still feeling a little "whiny"! I should have mentioned that one of the things that set me off today is that Mike's AHI was 4.6 and yesterday it was 3.7,the highest it's ever been in 2yrs. I know that 2 nights does not a trend make and he is still having some hip pain and is restless so I'm answering my own questions, but it's just one more thing to worry about and try to "fix"! I'd be nervous about that even on my good days! His pressure is cpap@12cms but I'm thinking of raising it to 12.5 tonight, or auto but I'm not sure of what settings to try. The last time I tried cpap@13cm he couldn't tolerate it,said "it was blowing too much". I'd welcome some input on that. Mike's needs right now are somewhat of a personal nature and he is such a proud and dignified gentleman that he would be mortified with a "babysitter" even a good friend. That's crossing into territory we're both not ready for yet. My son did arrange for a cleaning service who now comes every 2weeks and a food delivery service where I just fill out my order online from a local supermarket and it's delivered the next day. Not bad, huh? The whole family is planning a visit with us soon so the grandchildren will be good medicine. SU, I love the quote by William R. Mattox,Jr. I guess he's giving me permission to be "bitchy"! Thanks to all.

DoriC wrote:Thanks to all.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mike. It's such an honor that you've shared such a personal insight with us. Thank you.

DoriC wrote:Mike's needs right now are somewhat of a personal nature and he is such a proud and dignified gentleman that he would be mortified with a "babysitter" even a good friend. That's crossing into territory we're both not ready for yet.

I understand. I do hope that you can steal some extra time for yourself, though. Perhaps you can think of some ways to pamper yourself at home when you can't get out -- visit with a special friend, indulge in a hobby, take a warm bath, read a good book, watch a movie, spiritual study, or other things you find enjoyable and uplifting. I sure would like to have a housekeeper and meals delivered! Good for you!

I'm not the best one to advise regarding Mike's pressure settings, since I use straight CPAP myself, but perhaps auto 11-13 and see what the results are over a week or so? Do you think the higher AHI might be an early indicator regarding changes in his health or an increase in the level of pain he's experiencing? I hope that settles down.

Take care, Dori, and enjoy your family visit!

I spoke to my son(The Doctor ) tonight and he feels the higher AHI is being caused by Dad's difficulty in turning over causing restlessnes and arousals. He also thinks (and he's correct) that he does a lot of breath-holding when he changes position which might be confusing the data. He suggested 2 Extra StrengthTylenol before bed. Mike was not happy about taking "more pills" but he did. That's as far as his recommendations will go. I promised him a long time ago that we wouldn't involve him in our daily medical care unless it was really serious. It's not fair to him or the doctors treating us. There have been several times he has consulted with our treating physicians based on professional courtesy to get information and updates regarding our surgeries or medical emergencies. I certainly understand and respect his position.

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

Throwing in a free hug to boot.

A very special 'thank you' to all the husbands, wives, children, friends, family, and caregivers that are so integral to the success of the PAP therapy and/or medical health of your loved ones.
Your gifts of dedication, love, and support are inspiring and selfless.

DoriC, sending you and Mike all the best wishes,

Jess