How many marriages have been destroyed?

How many marriages have been destroyed?

It has been a little over a year since my wife walked out on me, saying I never did anything but sit in front of the TV. She refused to go for counseling, saying I was not going to change.

A month later, I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I started using a respiratory device to treat the sleep apnea and have energy again. I finished all of the projects around the house. I bike 20 miles. My weight is down, and I feel so much better.

It saddens me how close we could have grown had we gone through this together.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relatio ... hter_away/

At least awareness is growing and it is becoming more common to speak of our condition:

I, personally, consider hip-hop and heavy metal’s listening experience a cross between a meowing, mangy alley cat at 3 a.m. and a baritone with sleep apnea, but times and tastes change ... fine ... gangster rap ... whatever.
http://leoweekly.com/news/inbox-%E2%80%94-march-2-2011

Yes, it is sad but IMO a marriage has to have a very strong,loving foundation and partnership BEFORE the health challenges occur. This marriage was probably on shaky ground anyway for other reasons. I wish him well.

Hubby has stuck with me for over 42 years; In the last year we have been negotiating the CPAP world together.
He has put up with my earth-shaking snore, my listlessness, depression, and moodiness for years.
I was a lousy wife and a crappy mother--this man is a rock. -Yet his sleep has been interrupted with gasping and terrifying gaps of silence for decades. This forum has made me aware of full data, software, and smart machines--he's enough of a gadget freak it worked. Thank you all. We may yet grow old together. JOY!

Mine hasn't been destroyed, but I would say it suffered temporary injury from my bouts of being tired,unmotivated,uninterested,etc. But post dx,now he understands the origin, and it wasn't "just me".
I attend a workout class 2x/week (and I'm starting the DVD home set this week) and we go do things now....in fact, in April alone we are doing a 5k walk for Brain Cancer research, kayaking in a local river and ziplining. I'm not concnered with how things may cut into my sleep time anymore.

I tend to also think that the very basis has to be strong to start with. I have been married for 32 yrs. The last 15 I have been dealing with my husband's diagnosis of a brain tumor. He was good for a few years until others started showing up. Non Cancer, but have been in places few want to venture. He now has seizures occasionally and leg pain so bad that his legs won't hold him up at all sometimes. He has almost no functioning of his pituitary gland so had all sorts of med to keep all of that on track. This list just goes on and on and every day he thanks me for being here to take care of him. I, in return have told him that there is no other place I want to be. No I don't like this hand we have been dealt but it is what it is and I would just never walk away. I love my husband and it is not his fault things are the way they are and yes our lives are changed forever but………… if the basic factors are present in a marriage, the things that brought you together in the first place are still there ( that connection). Health issues are not part of the staying together that should ever be used as a reason to walk away.

roster wrote:How many marriages have been destroyed?

It has been a little over a year since my wife walked out on me, saying I never did anything but sit in front of the TV. She refused to go for counseling, saying I was not going to change.

A month later, I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I started using a respiratory device to treat the sleep apnea and have energy again. I finished all of the projects around the house. I bike 20 miles. My weight is down, and I feel so much better.

It saddens me how close we could have grown had we gone through this together.
http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relatio ... hter_away/

I could have written that exact quote. Only difference is it was another 3yrs before I was diagnosed.

My husband was the one who pushed and pushed me to get the sleep apnea possibility checked.
Of course I have to hear an occasional "I told you so" but at least not as often as in the beginning.

Of course when it comes to HIS snoring and bathroom trips during the night....that is a different story.
Might as well go knock my head against the wall..One of these days I will catch one of those snores in a gasp for breath and I will turn the tables.

jmcanzo wrote:
I could have written that exact quote. Only difference is it was another 3yrs before I was diagnosed.

Same here - only it took almost 10 years.

bap40, that was beautiful.

rested gal wrote:bap40, that was beautiful.

I was very touched by your story too, bap40.

Part of the problem with OSA is that it doesn't come across as "sickness" until it is far too late. It is a series of smaller issues that make keeping a relationship working very difficult, there is no monster to fight off together, just separate bedrooms, exhaustion, depression, headaches and anxiety.
One doesn't walk away from tumors and cancer easily, one does from lack of interest, and boredom with on going never ending little cuts.

I think that mine has been made stronger by use of my machine. The first time we spent any quality time together in Russia, Marina threatened to make me sleep in another part of apartment the next time I came to visit if I didn't so something about my snoring. That was after 29 days or so of putting up with me snoring right into her ear(s). Now when we're together, if I fall asleep without it, she is VERY quick to wake me up and tells me to 'put on mask'. I love that lady.

David

We all have our loads to carry--some at different times than others. I sympathize with those who are in the midst of their struggle, and those who are just beginning. I am very grateful for my little bit of smooth, level road, however long it may take me; and I earnestly pray for others to be blessed by gentler paths in their way.

We all have our ups and downs and I can say with a high degree of certaintly that I know my OSA before treatment negatively impacted my relationship with my wife. We had known I had mild OSA several years ago and most likely had it long before we knew it. I never did anything about it several years ago (I know now I should have) and then as things gradually got worse I made it all the way to severe sleep apnea before taking it seriously (AHI of 119). In some ways things had actually gone too far and my overall health was deteriorating with many of the classic side affects - I could have been a poster boy for OSA.

This most definitely put a strain on things with my wife and I can only say that I am very glad she put up with me for this long. I knew I was not feeling great, but never had any clue whatsoever just how bad I was feeling and how it was affecting me as a person. Now two months into treatment she has said how nice it is to have the man that she actually married back. We can now look back and explain my continual falling asleep beside her if we "tried" to watch TV or anything, my lack of drive to do anything new, my crankiness, and my recent declining health. Over the past few years however I am sure there were times, although she did not say so, that she must have questioned what was going to happen.

My bigger problem now is the strain that my lost time from work over the past year, due mainly to needless or unrelated tests, waiting for the actual OSA diagnosis, pushing the clinic to get on with treatment, and lasting impacts of the sleep deprivation. In the beginning there was some flexibility as we tried to work through things but now I fear there has been permanent damage done to my working relationship with my employer and I am not sure it can be easily repaired.

I can only take comfort in the fact that my wife is there for me as much as I am for her, I do feel very lucky. It is so good to hear of stories where others have endured their share of hardships and remained together and yes I too question how many relationships fail because of health related issues. Thanks for sharing your stories and congratulations to those that have endured.