Partner & CPAP

OKCCowboy,

It's been six years since you went through your own adjustment to CPAP. Do you really remember the struggles during your early days?

Were you one of those lucky few who took to CPAP like a duck to water?

Or did you struggle for days? Or weeks? Or months?

I ask because it sure seems to me like you are rushing the issue of your partner's "acceptance" of the machine when you write:

How do I help him get to the point of acceptance of the machine? I realize that it hasn't been but a little over a week since he got the machine.

I've been working (HARD) for close to four months now. And I have to say that in all honesty, I have not yet accepted the machine.

• Learned to use the machine? Yes
  Compliant with using the machine? Yes
  Understand that I must use the machine every damn night of my life? Yes
  Understand the consequences of untreated apnea? Yes
  Plan on continuing to use it for the foreseeable future? Yes---if I can somehow make it work without it killing me, my marriage, or my husband ....

But have I accepted the machine? No. Not yet. I want to be clear: I still have a lot of unresolved anger concerning being diagnosed with sleep apnea and the fact that I have to use this machine. And the fact that my adjustment has been a very, very difficult one: My sleep has NOT improved (and that is not just a subjective statement). My daytime functioning has gotten MUCH worse---alarmingly worse at times, but I am now slowly beginning to get back to what was normal for me pre-CPAP. Will I ever function better than I did before CPAP? I seriously doubt it. And I'm one of the lucky ones who is blessed to have both a wonderful husband who's put up with more ranting and raving between 2:00AM and 4:AM when I can't sleep (because of the machine) than any man should have to endure AND also have have a wonderful PA in the sleep doctor's office who is willing to work closely with me in order to actually resolve my adjustment issues and make it possible for me to one day accept the presence of this machine in my life. But I am not there yet.

Why am I saying all this to you? Other than that your post obviously touched a nerve that is still way too raw?

Well there's a bit of a truth in the old adage of you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Rather than trying to "fix" your partner by getting him to "accept" the CPAP ASAP, you simply need to be there to support him on his terms not yours.

If your partner is genuinely struggling with adjusting to CPAP and having real, physical problems adjusting to CPAP therapy as well as psychological ones in coming to grips both CPAP therapy and the sleep apnea diagnosis itself, you will have to give him some time to work things out for himself before he will genuinely come to the point where he fully accepts the machine and embraces it as a part of his life the way you do yours. In the meantime, you should:

• * Answer his questions about how CPAP has helped you when HE asks them.
  * Help him with problems when you see him struggling---if you've faced the same issue. But also accept that some of your solutions may not work for HIM as well as they worked for you.
  * Believe him if he describes problems with CPAP that you think sound ridiculous because you never ran into them.
  * Do NOT be judgemental if he's facing problems that you never faced. (It's super easy to fall into this without realizing it.)
  * Let him do some ranting about his own issues with becoming a hosehead even if you did not have these issues.
  * Do NOT tell him, "It's easy if you'd just do it."

In short---do NOT behave like a holier-than-thou ex-smoker who now believes that every smoker ought to be able to simply quit smoking just llke that because they did some five or six years ago and they no longer remember any of the problems they encountered during their own struggle to quit smoking.

Janknitz wrote:Are those labradoodles? They are very cute!

They are Schnoodles = Schnauzer + Poodle. Thanks!!!

robysue wrote:OKCCowboy,

It's been six years since you went through your own adjustment to CPAP. Do you really remember the struggles during your early days?

Were you one of those lucky few who took to CPAP like a duck to water?

Or did you struggle for days? Or weeks? Or months?

I ask because it sure seems to me like you are rushing the issue of your partner's "acceptance" of the machine when you write:

How do I help him get to the point of acceptance of the machine? I realize that it hasn't been but a little over a week since he got the machine.

I've been working (HARD) for close to four months now. And I have to say that in all honesty, I have not yet accepted the machine.

• Learned to use the machine? Yes
  Compliant with using the machine? Yes
  Understand that I must use the machine every damn night of my life? Yes
  Understand the consequences of untreated apnea? Yes
  Plan on continuing to use it for the foreseeable future? Yes---if I can somehow make it work without it killing me, my marriage, or my husband ....

But have I accepted the machine? No. Not yet. I want to be clear: I still have a lot of unresolved anger concerning being diagnosed with sleep apnea and the fact that I have to use this machine. And the fact that my adjustment has been a very, very difficult one: My sleep has NOT improved (and that is not just a subjective statement). My daytime functioning has gotten MUCH worse---alarmingly worse at times, but I am now slowly beginning to get back to what was normal for me pre-CPAP. Will I ever function better than I did before CPAP? I seriously doubt it. And I'm one of the lucky ones who is blessed to have both a wonderful husband who's put up with more ranting and raving between 2:00AM and 4:AM when I can't sleep (because of the machine) than any man should have to endure AND also have have a wonderful PA in the sleep doctor's office who is willing to work closely with me in order to actually resolve my adjustment issues and make it possible for me to one day accept the presence of this machine in my life. But I am not there yet.

Why am I saying all this to you? Other than that your post obviously touched a nerve that is still way too raw?

Well there's a bit of a truth in the old adage of you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Rather than trying to "fix" your partner by getting him to "accept" the CPAP ASAP, you simply need to be there to support him on his terms not yours.

If your partner is genuinely struggling with adjusting to CPAP and having real, physical problems adjusting to CPAP therapy as well as psychological ones in coming to grips both CPAP therapy and the sleep apnea diagnosis itself, you will have to give him some time to work things out for himself before he will genuinely come to the point where he fully accepts the machine and embraces it as a part of his life the way you do yours. In the meantime, you should:

• * Answer his questions about how CPAP has helped you when HE asks them.
  * Help him with problems when you see him struggling---if you've faced the same issue. But also accept that some of your solutions may not work for HIM as well as they worked for you.
  * Believe him if he describes problems with CPAP that you think sound ridiculous because you never ran into them.
  * Do NOT be judgemental if he's facing problems that you never faced. (It's super easy to fall into this without realizing it.)
  * Let him do some ranting about his own issues with becoming a hosehead even if you did not have these issues.
  * Do NOT tell him, "It's easy if you'd just do it."

In short---do NOT behave like a holier-than-thou ex-smoker who now believes that every smoker ought to be able to simply quit smoking just llke that because they did some five or six years ago and they no longer remember any of the problems they encountered during their own struggle to quit smoking.

Fortunately, I was one of those that took to CPAP like a duck to water. I had spent so long feeling like I never went to bed that the prospect of feeling better was all the motivation I needed. Also, I am one of "those" people that if I decide I am going to do something, I do it.

I think part of his problem that he is having with the CPAP is that he doesn't like being told he has to use a machine. He said the mask is not that big a deal, he just doesn't like having it on.

Trust me, I am not going to push too hard and never behave like the holier-than-thou ex smoker! (I know some of those).

Update: I tried a little guilt on him and he wore the mask most of last night. He said that he woke up several times but at least he is trying.

Aww, another CPAP bear here. My partner also told me about my apneas and gasping for air, and while he snores a bit, I don't think he has OSA. Overall while looking like an elephant/weirdo with the mask has maybe decreased some sex appeal, even after the first night he's told me that I seem to be much nicer when I wake up, I don't snore all night, and I don't toss/turn/punch. I do kick a bit more but I'm trying to work on that.

Anyway, I think you should just be encouraging and tell him the truth that he will gradually see results in his wellbeing, memory, alertness, and energy levels, and over the longer term see added health benefits as well like blood pressure going down etc. And if that isn't enough, scare him with the cardiovascular damage that OSA can do. Otherwise all you can do besides talk about it is to assist him with putting things on and trying different masks (what's comfy for you may not be for him!), and of course continue to be a positive example.

I know esp in the gay bear community, CPAPs are quite prevalent, so it's not like he can deny that apnea exists or that CPAPs are basically the best thing going out there. Maybe he needs to know more positive examples of guys like you and him who use them. Anyway, message me if you ever wanna talk! Best of luck bud!

OKCCowboy, your two little dogs look precious!

bradb wrote:Aww, another CPAP bear here.
----
I know esp in the gay bear community, CPAPs are quite prevalent, so it's not like he can deny that apnea exists or that CPAPs are basically the best thing going out there. Maybe he needs to know more positive examples of guys like you and him who use them.

One of my favorite posters on here a long time ago was nicknamed "blarg." A very intelligent young man who optimized his therapy so well, and helped quite a few others with his well written posts. He was a positive example for everyone here. Sure miss his posts.
viewtopic.php?p=153389#p153389

To find more posts blarg wrote, use the advanced "Search" at top of this page, leave the keywords box blank, and type blarg for the author's name.

Another way to search for his posts is to do a Google search typing this into the search box:
blarg site:cpaptalk.com

That latter is a cool search trick blarg himself taught us here. Works better a lot of the time than the forum's own "search" thingy.

Thanks..,the dogs are little monsters, but I would trade them for anything.

Bradb: Feel free to pm me anytime!

It might help to remind him it is not just about him but about you and the relationship. You want him around happy and healthy for as long as possible.

My personal relationship went all to hell when I got sick and my partner could not handle the changes. I wish I could have had a cpap type intervention then. In fact I was suffering from OSA at the time but I could not get help for it back in the '90's. Seventeen good years ended due to the snoring, migraines and other issues.

Been reading your thread and glad to see that your partner has now tried to wear the mask all night - but guilt?! Believe me, I understand.

My partner and his sister finally convinced me to talk to my doc about my snoring and sporadic breathing - after several years of him telling me I needed to be checked and both them telling me about the problem after spending a weekend together at the beach. Like you, OKCCowboy, I took to XPAP like a duck to water - and have not missed a night in almost two and a half years.

Also, like you, my partner is another story. While he has not had a sleep study done, I am noticing that there seem to be short periods where I cannot hear/see him breathe, and then a sudden movement or gasp/snort. He falls asleep at the drop of a hat in the evening while watching tv or reading, he has dark circles under his eyes, he has trouble waking and is NOT a morning person - all typical signs. I have tried to convince him that he needs to have a sleep study done.... but, it's not working. I know that the more I bring it up, the more he will say no; just like I know that he will fight using the machine if he does ever give in and have the study done. Haven't tried the guilt thing.... but since it seems to have worked for you, I may have to give it a try.

Here's wishing him (and you) the best of luck!

Well, the guilt wasn't TOO bad, just that I would like to have him around for a while and that if cared anything about me, he would use the machine. Use it if you have to....it is worth it to make sure your partner is around for a long time.

My partner LOVES to sleep and is definitely NOT a morning person. However, he is a major night owl. He can stay up all night doing just about anything....of course he sleeps until about 12:00 when he does that. The sleep doctor and I have both told him that his headaches and migraines are aggravated by OSA.

Blackspinner: My partner is quite special...he was around and helped with my mother and my elderly aunt when mom was diagnosed with cancer. After mom died, he basically took over the care of my aunt. I am sorry that your partner couldn't handle the changes. Sounds like a selfish person if you ask me. Just my $0.02.

OKCCowboy wrote: Blackspinner: My partner is quite special...he was around and helped with my mother and my elderly aunt when mom was diagnosed with cancer. After mom died, he basically took over the care of my aunt. I am sorry that your partner couldn't handle the changes. Sounds like a selfish person if you ask me. Just my $0.02.

Well it was both of us, flipping roles doesn't come easy. Plus I think her having watched her father die slowly of MS at 16 didn't help the situation either. By the time we got to couples counselling there was too much water under the bridge.

I can understand that.

Update:

Well my partner has actually admitted that he feels a little better in the mornings when he uses his APAP.

Baby step, but still a step anyway.

Yay! We have to celebrate those baby steps no matter how small.

I am celebrating, believe me! He actually wore the mask all night...yeah!