Permission to vent? (no pun intended)

I had a very different situation in that I was going to have to be the caregiver of my husband's therapy due to his physical and memory deficits and the fact that he was overwhelmed with yet another obstacle in his life and really wanted "out". After about 3 weeks of "drama" around here he finally agreed to try "for my sake" but wanted no part in the process . That's when this forum became my lifeline to sanity and education. It was the hardest thing I ever did having no input or interest from him and me "standing guard" all night with no sleep and trying to figure out what I was observing and what needed fixing. Fast forward to today and now he does his nightly hygiene routine, puts on his mask,adjusts for leaks, checks the humidifier and wants to read the data I print out every morning before breakfast (and reminds me if I forget). Oh, and he always asks me "what's new on the forum?". Everyone has different dynamics in a relationship so you're the only one who knows what works for you. In my case, the final "victory" was when I stopped speaking to him for 3 days. I knew that's his weak spot. Good luck and you have friends here.

Greetings, Copernicus, you're not alone...my husband was pretty much the same way. I snored terribly for years, kicked and generally ripped the bed apart. I was tired all the time, my blood pressure was creeping up and no matter what I did, gained weight. When I began sleeping with my mask, it was sort of like "you slept really good last night" and "you sure had a good night's sleep" which meant HE had a good night's sleep so now I should be "fixed."

Well, I wasn't and I didn't and it's still a work in progress, but I keep at it. Reading on the forum every day helped a lot because I got support here that he just didn't know how to give me. I didn't take to this as easily as some. Only after he saw my struggle to stay with it did he see how hard this was for me.

Guess what? Now a day doesn't go by without him asking how my numbers from last night were. He's even taken an interest in looking at my data and knows what to look for as far as a leak line, etc. Yesterday, I even caught him reading posts on the forum

So, stick with it. We're all in this boat together. It does get better!

Janknitz wrote:

"When you do ________ I feel _________"

No offense, BlackSpinner, but I have a different take on this.

I suggest Laurie's "I" statements ("I feel frustrated because it's really hard to get used to sleeping with the hose. I need to talk about it and feel supported, because it would be easier to give up than keep on trying, and this is saving my life") rather than the "you" statements BlackSpinner suggests. Avoid the word "you" because it shifts the conversation to a place you don't want to go!

When you use "you" statements, what your wife will hear is "YOU do not support me. YOU do not give me the attention I want, and YOU are not nice." And her immediate response will be defensive ("Sheesh, you're making a big deal of this. It's just sleep and I wouldn't be having all this trouble if it was me. What a whiner!")

Contrast that to the "I" statements. They don't create defensiveness, because they don't assign blame. My response to the "I" statement would be "I didn't realize this was so hard for you and that you need help. Of course I'll be supportive. What would you like me to do."

The statements come directly from a school program my daughter went through in grade 3(Hence the "I care Cat" term - a cartoon cat was used). It was implemented in the Nova Scotia schools to attempt to deal with violence, racism and bullying. It id designed to link action with feeling. One uses clear specific incidents and links it to re-actions. What one doesn't use is "You always ..." but "when you verb I feel emotion " They work best when done within a time frame. Since they work very well at elementary school levels I would assume that adults can manage. It requires all the persons involved to take responsibility. The "feeler" takes responsibility of their re-actions and the "Do'r" is requested to acknowledge their actions. The "do'r" is not required to take responsibility for the re-actions - just to acknowledge they exist.

Like Elena, I had my husband try my CPAP on so he could really understand what it was like with that contraption strapped to your face. Even though he is 100% suppportive of me - he even turns my humidifier on for me a few minutes before I go to bed

HOWEVER, I learned after my Dx of diabetes 2 years ago, that talking about it too much is quite wearing. Once he tactfully asked me if we will ever go back to talking about something that doesn't involve diabetes. THAT hit me between the eyes - I had NO IDEA that every waking moment was focussed on what I could eat, when, how, testing, etc. etc. and now my comments about diabetes are rare, because as hubby said - I have it totally under control and doing all the right things, so to him it's a non-issue unless something changes, then he wants to know about it.

Same with my OSA - I'm not even 3 weeks into therapy, and even though hubby DOES want to know every little thing right now, I'm watching for his eyes to start glazing over as my sign to stop yapping LOL.

I know men and women think and act differently, but perhaps you are obsessing as I was and don't even realise you're sounding like a broken record - and your wife is kinda right - you have your therapy, it's working, so what's new?

Oh, and having forums like this one is a true life saver - I bounce between this one and the diabetic one - no one ever tires of learning and helping others with the same afflictions.

Cheers,
Xena

I'm getting that your wife is feeling a bit neglected.
Or, she may fear for your long-time health and longevity--and has difficulty expressing her fears.
She may feel that too much of your attention is directed toward your therapy; and she may simply feel left out.
Fortunately, it does not take very much time to ask,"How do YOU feel about.....?", or "What would YOU like to talk about?"
Of course, you do have to hang around for the answer.
The important thing is to stick to it. Your health is something you take care of for her as well as for yourself.
Just be patient, and save some time for her alone with no medical talk--that's for us.

XSnorer wrote:
Given the large numbers of OSA patients, perhaps there should also be a support group for spouses.

Good idea. We can name it PAP-ANON.

(XSnorer can have all the credit, I don't mind.)



Kidding aside, I think both partners have to do some serious thinking about themselves and the marital relationship, if it is to remain strong.

Papper must learn to deal with a chronic condition, and learning to do that will inevitably consume time and energy. However, Papper must guard against SDB taking over his whole life. Papper needs Partner's empathic support, but Partner's needs haven't disappeared, and the relationship itself needs thoughtful maintenance in view of the changes a chronic condition brings.

Partner has to realize that giving Papper her empathic support is in her own best interest, and she cannot do that without learning about SDB. She must accept that her own life will not continue exactly the same as it had been, and the marital relationship will require attention if it is to do well.

I can't see any substitute for the partners' talking about these issues. The adjustments will take time and require patience.

Obviously, the pronouns' gender can be reversed.

C.,
I think you have gotten some great responses so far. With any luck one of them will help you with your sweetie. I have great support from my significant other...but I have noticed my family (parents, brother) and some of my friends never really ask about it. I kindof expected my folks to be more interested/attentive but they just looked uncomfortable when I brought up how well I was doing with CPAP. I came to the conclusion my chronic illness made them uncomfortable...as if they might catch it. Or they just didn't want to admit something was wrong with me.

Maybe your wife is simply afraid to look at it. You are pretty young...maybe it's just catching her off guard and she is being flippant about it because she is afraid?

At any rate, best of luck to you. Keep on the good foot.

All the above posts seem like great ideas. We seem to be the opposite. I (who doesn't have OSA) am immersing myself to find out all I can, and my spouse doesn't seem to want to know anything. Well, some proof, preferable med studies, of what OSA causes. So I look for that. Some of that is working.

Another idea, is to find friends-a couple maybe- who can relate and speak to her about this whole ordeal and to share with her what they can without bombarding her. Maybe even just to ask "how's it going". That's what I've recently done for my spouse. Babysteps. This idea I just tried and seems to have given us another babystep in the right direction.