Permission to vent? (no pun intended)

copernicus wrote:She is actually thrilled that we finally found what was wrong with me, and got a cpap to cure it. but it is her 'problem solved, move on' attitude that is bugging me.

Or maybe i am just in a bad mood, and letting the smallest things get on my nerves.

Tell her it is like getting a cast on your leg - yes you can move around without pain but you have to learn how to move, the leg in the cast also has to heal.

She maybe afraid to deal with the whole issue of your health. She may find the whole thing inimidating. You two need to talk about things.

I care cat words: When you do ________ I feel _________.

ie - when you role your eyes at me looking up OSA information I feel hurt and .....

My husband was and sometimes is the same way.
I hate it too.
But that is why we need this forum......for knowledge and support. You really can't exspect anyone not on C-pap to understand what you are going through. They may try, but let's face it...it's not happening to THEM.
Once I told my husband I didn't think I would be as good as I am without this forum he sort of accepted it.
We are all very different people. In my situation he would never get on the net and look anything up to do with his condiditon. He would just do what the Dr. said, and maybe see him again in a year or so..

Remember, it's all new to her too. I think you should talk to her. Tell her how you feel about IT ALL.
Also tell her it's not easy and you really need her understanding.
Also tell her the people on the internet are helping you to cope. She may be a bit jealous of the time your NOT SPENDING WITH HER.
REALLY, we women can be a pain in the *** sometimes.

Things can be fixed with WORDS.... SAY WORDS.

If all the above fails.....cry, that's what i do.

Thank you all for your replies and support. i guess we'll have this talk tomorrow over morning coffee. will keep you posted

copernicus, I am only a few weeks into this longer than you are. I found that yes, The Boss was happy that I found what was wrong and that I am indeed feeling better doing this and, like your wife, thinks it is just time to move on.

Perhaps it is. Part of it for me, anyway, is that every day is some new challenge. Sleep great one night and feel like I am getting this and the next night a total disaster. So, while I know what I need to do and do NOT intend to give up on this regardless of how insane it makes me trying to crack the code, it remains an ongoing learning process. So, I do tend to not bother her with some trivial thing that I figured out that to me is massive... at least all the time. I can look here from time to time to see that I'm not alone in the challenges both with the treatment and the support (or lack thereof sometimes).

Maybe it is that she doesn't like my sweet, angelic face covered over with the mask.

Wait
no
that won't be it.

Regardless, I am pretty sure that this is an acceptance time for her as well. It's a big change not just for me but for her and, for the nonce, I think she'd just prefer to know it's there but not really get into it.

We did have the talk that I suspect you will have including "Yes this blows but I feel better" (pun intended) and "I'll keep doing my best so that it doesn't bother you (as I would do anyway). Regardless of the fact that she doesn't really want to hear about it more than really just acknowledge is there, I can understand. I know she'd rather that I remain extant.

Best of luck to you

i've been on CPAP a little over a month and am still struggling to get a good night's rest and feel good in the morning. i've had some good nights of actually sleeping through but still feel tired; not the energized feeling everybody kept telling me would happen when i started using the CPAP. In all honesty, i thought that all it was going to do is get a mask and everything would be cured. even my sister, who is a registered nurse, when told i was diagnosed with SA said 'see, i told you. now you'll get great sleep" as if it would happen in one night.

my husband has always been a good sleep as do all three of my sons. he supports me but really has no idea what it is like to wonder how you are going to get through another day when you have to get up in the morning and go to work, or even on weekends when I am home. I need to lose a lot of weight but my physical activity is limited because most of the time I'm just too tired. I was the type who woke up constantly throughout the night, most of the time wide awake, and the apneas i was experiencing were obviously during the times I was sleeping and didn't realize I woke up. During my study i was extremely tired, little sleep the night before, by the time they 'hooked me up" i fell asleep in five minutes and they claimed i slept 90% of the night, even though i thought i was awake for longer. and given that scenario, i experienced 77 apnea episodes, mostly during my REM sleep.

I started with a nasal mask, have a full face mask that works better with my nasal/sinus/allergies problems and will keep working at it until I get it right. But i wish it would come much more quickly.

good luck!!

Here's a starter for tomorrow morning's coffee:

"You might have noticed I am kind of quiet and on the computer a lot. I know that I have been very self-involved, but:

I feel really scared about all of this stuff (SA/CPAP),
because it makes me feel like my life is changing and that makes me anxious.
I want you to be able to listen to me and to be supportive of my attempts to educate myself about my sleep disorder. That would really mean a lot to me. I depend on you to help me through rough times and I am really having a tough time right now. I need you and I love you.

copernicus I hear you man! I told my wife how exhausted I feel right now and she told me to just go to bed. I told her she doesn't understand how I feel. She then told me that she understands and that I don't understand how this affects her and the kids. It always gets twisted back to how I am affecting her. I totally understand the whole "here's your "medicine" and now you're better" attitude. Frankly I'm sick of it!

These issues are the reason several of us (from the forum) got together and formed our own support group. While all of us have supportive network of some sort, none of them are hooking up to equipment every single time they want to sleep and frankly they get tired of hearing the same old stuff time and time again. Our group gets that, we can vent to each other about things that seem resistant to improvement. We help each other, we discuss our research & findings, doc's comments, apnea-related conditions. After the meeting,I am much less likely to bore the dickens outta my loved ones discussing my apnea-associated issues.

That's why each of needs support groups, even if just this incredible forum!

copernicus wrote:erm, could you go the extra mile, and fill in the blanks? i could use a woman's input on this one

Psst! Copernicus, Buddy! Do yourself a favor and beg, borrow or steal a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I shy away from "self-help" and pop-psyche drivel, so while I had seen it on bookshelves I never picked it up. Wish I had read it about 25 years ago. It might have saved my 1st marriage . Geez, (shiver) did I say that? Wash my mouth out with soap! But seriously, it's amazing how much we with who bear the malformed second X chromosome miss when discussing things that (to us) are trivial, but which are (to them) not trivial.

And BackSpinner's "When you do ________ I feel _________" . . . is pretty much right out of that book. So were the other comments. It's eerie, maybe a little scary that you can be talking to another Homo sapiens who was raised in your same culture, speaking your same language, who shares your interests and might even like you a little, and completely miss half of what they are trying to say to you.

"When you do ________ I feel _________"

No offense, BlackSpinner, but I have a different take on this.

I suggest Laurie's "I" statements ("I feel frustrated because it's really hard to get used to sleeping with the hose. I need to talk about it and feel supported, because it would be easier to give up than keep on trying, and this is saving my life") rather than the "you" statements BlackSpinner suggests. Avoid the word "you" because it shifts the conversation to a place you don't want to go!

When you use "you" statements, what your wife will hear is "YOU do not support me. YOU do not give me the attention I want, and YOU are not nice." And her immediate response will be defensive ("Sheesh, you're making a big deal of this. It's just sleep and I wouldn't be having all this trouble if it was me. What a whiner!")

Contrast that to the "I" statements. They don't create defensiveness, because they don't assign blame. My response to the "I" statement would be "I didn't realize this was so hard for you and that you need help. Of course I'll be supportive. What would you like me to do."

I agree with getting her to try the mask and machine. My husband didn't last 1 minute and he now knows how hard this can be.

Brenda

Many people don't realize that treating apnea isn't like many other issues, you can't just take a pill and forget it, So they think that your getting a machine is the end of it and its not.. Not by long shot. MOST people will have to have a machine for the REST OF THEIR LIVES! This is not a headache but the start of a long complicate journey, sometimes good sometimes bad. But never boring lol. (been doing it 15+years now)

The suggestion of using *I* Statements I FULLY agree with. Using I statements are good, express to her just how her actions are making you feel. What your concerns are and go from there. Just gotta make sure not to sound accusing, and the you word can do that..
Saying something like "I Am concerned that my desire to treat my apnea more effectively is causing issues. Why?

Often times getting the spouse or other family members into the forum and educated can help tremendously too.

You might mention that OSA is far more common than most people realize. There are very likely many couples who are dealing with the same issues that you two are dealing with. In addition, there are probably many more couples who someday may be added to this list. (I'm guessing someone on this board has numbers for the above.)

Many of the comments above mention having a great support group such as that provided by this forum. This made me wonder. Given the large numbers of OSA patients, perhaps there should also be a support group for spouses.

copernicus wrote:... However, it is like she playing the ostrich and sticking her head in the sand with anything related to my condition. It just seems to her, like am sleeping with a mask, big deal. and although my friends have googled sleep apnea and cpap to educate themselves about what i am going through, she did not. and everytime she knows i am on the site, she rolls her eyes, as if saying: 'again?' ...

This is a pretty normal reaction on the part of your wife. There are two issues you face: 1) Is it fixed? And 2) is it normal?

First, most people think "It's fixed, let's worry about other things." In fact, it's not fixed. Compare it to Diabetes when you talk with your wife. If you have diabetes you always have to worry about what you eat, how much you exercise, and so on. You never get away from it. That's the case with sleep apnea. You are sleeping better. You are more alert. But you always have to worry if you do not get enough sleep. You always have to sorry about changes in symptoms. And frankly, just adjusting to the machine takes a LOT of work on your part.

But as others have pointed out, there is VERY good reason to stick it out. The increased health problems from uncontrolled sleep apnea KILL. I am certain my grandfather died early (about 62) due to unmanaged sleep apnea (at that time it was not understood, but the symptoms were classic). Some of the symptoms include uncontrolled high blood pressure, higher than normal blood glucose (with a tendency to develop Type 2 Diabetes), an increased risk of heart attacks and strokes. And of course, the decreased alertness contributes to deadly automobile accidents.

So, Sleep Apnea is not something that's "Fixed and Forget". As with diabetes, you need to check your progress and adjust as needed to get the most out of the therapy.

Second, you also need to adjust to using xPAP therapy. It's NOT normal to stap a mask to your face and go to sleep. I've been doing that for 20 years and I continue to struggle with it. Though I have a larger "bag of tricks" than most users, I can have horrible nights like anyone else. So, you sometimes have to check with others to see what is normal and what is not. And to hunt for answers to make it work better.

Without that type of support, a lot of users just give up. The number of individuals who remain compliant is far too low. And ideal therapy should be 100% compliance (or close to it). But we are probably in the 50% range. And remember that without it, there is a very high chance that it will lead to death. It's a HARD therapy to which to adjust. So, CPAPtalk.com and other groups (such as a local A.W.A.K.E. group) can make a huge difference as you try to adjust to life with a leaf blower.

So, hang in there. You are doing the right thing in trying to make the therapy work. It takes a real commitment and searching for support is a good thing.