OT: Losing a Parent

Kira,

I'm so sorry to read your post. My thoughts are with you and yours.

Robin

Hi Kira,
I am sorry to hear about your mother. I recall when she had an earlier attach. You tried to convince her to be treated for Cpap.
You tried to do everything possible for her.

It is going to be hard for you to take care of yourself during this time. In an illness like hers, you have to spend time helping to see she is properly cared for. And, you have to be the support person for your father.

You were exhausted before when you were helping with her care. Try to get adequate sleep - that is, if you can fall asleep.
I lost my mother about five years ago, I understand how traumatic this period is for you.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Jan

KiraL, I am so sorry for you and your loved ones. Apnea robs us in so many ways. God bless and his angels watch over all of you. I listen occasionally to my mom who sometimes snores lightly...but normally with regular even breaths...I feel blessed.

I'm also sharing your grief. Life is joy, and life is sorrows. Sometimes the ones who brought us so much happiness also have to leave us. I've gone through it three times - father, mother, and oldest sister. Just I and my three older brothers now.
Chances are I may see sorrow like that again, and it never gets easier. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. May God wrap His arms around you and give you the strength you need.

And yes, my parents definitely had sleep apnea, long before anyone knew anything about it.

(the other) Jay C.

I'm so sorry, Kiralynx. It's so hard to have to learn to live life minus that special person who has always been there. I'm glad she has you.

My dad died in 1975. He lived for about a week following a massive heart attack and stroke. Those days that he lay there, the nurses pointed out something I had never heard: sleep apnea. There was no CPAP at that time and the condition had only been officially identified for about 10 years. We've come a long way, but with people like your dear mom still suffering the consequences, we have much more to do.

I hope you gain comfort in knowing that many care for you.

Seeing how many people's parents are affected by apnea makes me angry all over again.

I just went over to see Mom again, and she was almost totally unresponsive. I was talking with Dad of memories of all the good and wonderful things I remembered her doing. (Mom and I were frequently at odds: she never did accept that as the youngest, I ever grew up.) But despite that, she did many, many wonderful things.

I had nightmares the other night, and I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I've been more restless and that my leak-rate is worse than usual. I'm not seeing a significant shift in the AHI, but I can tell the difference in the muscle pain issues.

I'm not getting ENOUGH sleep, but aside from the one bout of nightmares, I've been sleeping quite adequately. (And better than I did pre-Bipap!)

For those of you with parents in a similar situation, I cannot recommend a quality hospice like Serenity highly enough. They've provided the care necessary which has allowed Mom to remain in her own home these last five months. And, had it become necessary to place Mom in a nursing home, Serenity would have continued her care there, as well, just with the addition of the nursing home's help in physically taking care of Mom if Dad hadn't been able to.

I spoke with the nurse about what happens "when," and basically, they handle all the red tape -- verifying the passing, calling the coroner for confirmation and the death certificate, calling the funeral home, removing all the equipment. All those things that you know you need to do and can't think how to do. They also provide a 13 month grief counseling service to all members of the immediate family -- myself, my Dad, and they'll be calling my sister out in Utah.

Kiralynx, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Remember to take care of yourself, so you can take care of others. Easy to say, I know.

Kira, I'm so sorry to hear this news. My Mom died many years ago and though the grief will diminish, there's always that bit of sadness left. Just know that you have friends here. Dori

I can only echo the sentiments that have already been so eloquently expressed by other posters. You and your family are in my thoughts. Take care.

I am so sorry.
Please know that I will be thinking of you and your family and wishing you strength.

Gail

I'll be praying for you.

I'm saddened to hear that this already difficult time for you has to be compounded by other emotions. I can relate to those feelings as my mother's last 12 years of her life were such a struggle - a struggle that prior competent medical care, less doctor loyalty on her part, and more attentiveness and assertiveness on my part could have prevented. Somehow the lessons learned from her circumstances, the memorable opportunities I was given to recognize her depth and strength, and the time to make peace with the things that estranged us (emotionally if not physically), somehow tempered the "if only" torments. When my health was at its worst, I used to pray that I would outlive her so I would not leave her so helpless, so she would not have to feel that pain - she'd had enough pain in her life. Mom died under hospice care 2 years ago. Like you, I commend our local hospice programs. They are invaluable! I'm glad to read you have their support so you can give your heart and energies to these last days with your mother.
Kathy

Went over to see Mom again this morning.

She was again mostly non-responsive, although she mumbled what I think was "Thank you," when I read some Psalms and the Book of Ruth to her.

It's that irrevocable line... although she's not really there, she's still there, and although I don't want her to suffer, I mourn for the inevitability of that final step, when she won't be there, ever again.

Inevitably, I remember my mother-in-law's passing. Even now, almost fifteen years after, I'll find myself thinking, "I must remember to tell Gene that...." and then I have to smile, and remember that she probably already knows. It'll be that way with Mom, I know.

Thanks to everyone who's sharing their stories with me. It does help.

Kira,
I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and you frustration with the doctors who didn't know. I'm thinking of you.

O.