Any good CPAP jokes?

Flower51 · Post by **Flower51** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 11:18 am

Yep, I'm afraid I've been bitten by the sir cumference bug.

Tralee, Part I

There was a young girl from Tralee
from apnea longed to be free

Her sleep was so rare
her brain barely there
Alas, this poor girl once was me.

(yes this is autobiographical....well, I imbellished the "young" part, I did say my brain was barely there didn't I? And, well, I'm from Ohio not Tralee...poetic license!)

Terry

Flower51 · Post by **Flower51** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 11:23 am

Tralee part II

Again there's that girl from Tralee
fixed up by a great dme!

But now she's a trippin
cause her pap its a flippin

when she tears off the hose
to go pee!

(can I say that here...?feel free to edit me johnnybegood)

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 12:37 pm

Loving them, Terry. Absolutely hysterical. You're giving Sir "C" a run for his money as the winner of the 1st Annual Creative CPAP Jokes Awards, sponsored by http://www.cpaptalk.com .

Sir, are you going to let her get away with this? Where are the replies???

sir_cumference · Post by **sir_cumference** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 1:47 pm

Lori Didn't you like my 'Hose-hanger in the highest' gag?

And as for Terry! What can I say!! A round of applause is in order I think!

And as for trying harder, here is a very weak attempt at something (not quite sure what though)

TO APAP

The flow goes,
Far bellow,
Healing head and down to toe,
Elbows glow,
The end of woes,
Which, as you know,
Goes to show that with a mask,
You strike a pose,
In bed-clothes,
And like a rose,
With health you grow
Because, on APAP
The lesser pressure measures pleasure better!

Just trying to play with words -- !!

sir_cumference (verbal diarrhoea on demand)

Flower51 · Post by **Flower51** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 2:05 pm

Dear Sir Cumference....I pale in comparison to your poetic giftedness brother hosehead....you have been my inspiration. And so...I offer....

There once was a man from Belair
Whose temper resembled a bear’s
His wife, she was frantic, his lapses were manic,
Until Cpap-man entered their lair.

Johnny-B-Good was his name,
and his sidekick Miss Rested, she came.
They set up the Good Knight,
He was ready to sleep tight, but his wife,
The cold fish didn’t care.

His pap it was blarin!
His wife he was scarin
As his air blowin parted her hair!
Good & Rested made their return,
Some tweaking stopped wifey’s slow burn.
Still stiff and uncaring, at her back he’d be staring until……AHAH!…….

The fateful day came when SHE wasn’t the same
And she snored, and she snored and she snored….
His wife, once a hotty, was really quite snotty (I'm not talking her body)
It was more than the big guy could bare.

“I’ll fix you right up!” our hero said,
He attached his own hose to her head!
The air, it was flowing. Their eyes, they were glowing, until hosehead nare burn set in.

Ecstatic they were until ….NO! “La Hosehead” was gurgling not beaming, her nostrils were flaming, her prong size was growing (….help I’m turning into Dr. Seuss. Get me outta here sir cumference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
“Yo Good, Yo Rested” he roared, as the smile on his face fairly soared…”my wife she’s a bummin, can you set her up hummin so we sleep hose to hose evermore?”

Ah yes…sweet relief…No more marital grief as connubial bliss is restored. His wife, once alarmin, he now finds quite charmin, and he is her Prince Charming once more.

The end.

sir_cumference · Post by **sir_cumference** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 2:36 pm

Terry - You're amazing! I love it! My wife also wants you to know that she loves it as well!

My story's a bit bland, maybe I'll try and put it in poetry one day - but for now all I seem to be able to do is give weak CPAP rhymes! Sorry!! I know I must try harder!

And Lori - We're waiting for your poem on the flighty virgin swift

xPAP with Teeth!

Plug me in and turn me on
Listen to my gentle song
Softly singing
A gentle whine
To make you happy - rise and shine.

Are you rested - Happy?
With nares a-blaze?
Dribbling Hose?
Lines on your face?
But still you use me every night
Because if not, you know I’ll bite!

sir_cumference (poetically potty)

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 3:18 pm

OMG, I am so blown away (PUN INTENDED) by both Terry's and SC's poetic creativity. Am I up for the challenge? Okay. Let me try to come up with something to stay in the competition. But with the two of you already so high on the scoreboard, I'm sure I'll pale in comparison.

I will return...

morphy · Post by **morphy** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 3:25 pm

I used to get sleep but no rest,
So I started a medical quest.
I ran at a walk
'Til I found CPAPTALK
And you folks who are truly the best!

When I recently learned about PODD*,
I found I was not all that odd.
And I saw some more light
When I discovered this site,
And now I'm OK when I nod.

Thank you all. (But especially Lori)
*Prolonged Oxygen Deficit Disorder

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 3:35 pm

Aw, love you too, Morphy!!! Keep me posted...

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 3:36 pm

Okay. Here is my attempt at poetry. Hope it measures up...

Every morning I’d rise, and with no surprise
I’d feel like I just hadn’t slept
Then I’d try to do what I knew I had to,
But I’d sit on the couch and I wept

I finally gave in to a study within a place
That I never had thought
I’d go to be saved, but the study I braved
And lo and behold I was taught

The problem I had, it wasn’t too bad
At least it was one I could fix
A mask on my face, some pressure in place
Soon be up to my old bag of tricks

Some months have gone by, must admit I did cry
At the outset, but then I could see
That CPAP was good, and it worked as it should
Now I’m back to who I used to be

So the lesson, as told, don’t think you’re too old
You can still learn a new way to sleep
Think that you can do just what you need to
And a healthier life you shall keep

WAFlowers · Post by **WAFlowers** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 5:22 pm

I'm in awe of all of you poets! I haven't got a poetic bone in my body; I consider "The Cremation of Sam McGee" to be high art (as a young child I memorized it and "The Shooting of Dan McGrew" to the pleasure of my grandfather and the consternation of my teachers).

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 5:29 pm

Bill, if I could wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard from your reply, I'd tell you how funny you are...(think I just did).

neversleeps · Post by **neversleeps** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 6:32 pm

OK folks, and now for a blast from the past; my very first post on this forum.

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:00 pm Post subject: You can't scare me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While looking for information about my recent diagnosis
I happened upon this forum and developed quite a neurosis.
(Admittedly, finding you was a nice surprise,
but man oh man, I can’t believe my eyes!!!)

So far I’ve read about hooking up hoses,
seeing red dents on the bridges of noses,
literally taping your own mouth shut at night,
(I must admit that one gave me quite a fright...)

Sensations of an exploding stomach,
watching oxygen levels plummet,
covering plastic hoses in fleece,
“Should I buy or should I lease?”

Vivid discussions on the shape of your nares,
sticky electrodes pulling out hairs,
ringing of ears,
whistling blowers,
cyborg-masked beasts,
self-adjusting air flow-ers......

Here I must stop to catch my breath; no pun intended,
and reveal soon I too, hope to be CPAP- mended.

As I await the arrival of my REMstarAutoCPAPwithC-Flexandheatedhumidifier with great anticipation,
I feel I must add a comment. (More of a proclamation...)

--If I find my air stale or perhaps somewhat smelly,
--If I’m considering lining my nostrils with KY Jelly,
--I know I can turn to this forum and pick your brain,
--although quite possibly you’re all completely insane!
_________________________________________________________________
For the entire thread (3 pages):
You cant scare me!

Flower51 · Post by **Flower51** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 7:36 pm

HAH! Insane are we??? NYUK NYUK NYUK....I think you got us pegged.T

WAFlowers · Post by **WAFlowers** » Sat Aug 06, 2005 8:55 pm

This is a start:

The bedroom nightlight had seen strange sights
But the strangest it ever did see
Was me on the bed with a mask on my head
As I tried to remember to breathe.

(Apologies to the ghost of R. Service)

Any good CPAP jokes?

For sleepless Lori -