Dating and the Single Cpap-er Redux

Hey Babs, Hubby and I are both Scorpios too. The norm is that 2 Scorpios don't mix well, but we've made it work quite nicely, especially with the passionate part!! Maybe you should find you a Scorpio too!

All of my prior relationships have had problems because I am a typical Scorpio woman. I am bossy. My husband has a great sense of humor, and he dosn't get put off by my bossiness. We'll be driving down the road, and I will say, turn down this street. We'll pass the street by. Then I ask, "Did you hear me?" He says: "Yes, but I'm not doing it." I end up laughing. I am so thankful he doesn't get put off by it.

Have fun at the lesbian dance. Maybe you'll find a good Scopio lesbian.

Treesap wrote:Anyhoo, just have a list of questions they can answer honestly. My major questions were:

1. If divorced, why? I don't know was not an option for an answer.
2. How do you refer to your ex-girlfriend or wife? If "C" word or any other terrible explicatives come out of their mouth, consider it a sign.
2. Have you ever had alcohol or drug problems? If so, how long have you been clean and do you still work a program?
3. Have you ever had gay sex? (I didn't want someone who would think they were gay later on. You may not get honest answers there. My husband answered this one with a truthful joke.)
4. How do you handle your finances?
5. What's your credit score?
6. How long have you worked at your job? If it's a short time, how long were you with the previous one? (My EX husband had 18 jobs in 6 years....sigh!!)

#2 was HUGE for me. I went on a date who referred to his ex as "The C**t." I didn't like that.

I've been married for 4 1/2 glorious years. I moved to frikkin' Kingman, Arizona, from GLORIOUS San Diego for him, and I don't regret it one bit.
_________________

Hmm, I have to say, this is very scary to me.

Speaking as a very happily married guy with no divorces, a great credit score, rarely drinks, decent savings and no debt, etc. etc., in my bachelor days if I went on a date with someone who railed off that litany of interview questions, there would be no second date.

I married my wife precisely because she was *not* the type to even consider asking these questions. She had never really been hurt before, and so she had no reason to take a defensive posture with dating. The upshot of this is that when I realized that she was for real, and not pretending to be a sweet person (I had been duped by women before who appeared sweet and affectionate but in fact had a defensive emotional barrier a mile thick, accusing me of things I hadn't done because all of their past jerky boyfriends had) I identified her as a true gem and knew I'd be crazy to let her get away.

She and I dated for 2 years, we went backpacking through Southeast Asia, China and Korea for 7 months, and at the end of our trip on a Kowloon mountaintop overlooking the nighttime Hong Kong skyline I proposed to her. (She said yes 2 months later!)

Adam

Treesap - best sexual relationship I ever had was with another Scorpio/Dragon. I've been hunting one ever since.

I actually found this guy's ad because I was cruising for ages, and looking for Dragons.

That said, I ended up sending the Best Sex of My Life back to his wife.

I didn't take him away from her - I got him after the girl who HAD, and a few months before his divorce was final. I got them back together, and last I heard, they are still together. She was his childhood sweetheart. I was just another in a long string of midlife crises.

So.... Yeah, I'd love a nice 43 yo SINGLE MALE Scorpio/Dragon living in zip code 98499 who IS NOT Republican and working for the Dept. of Defense. (984 zip codes are dominated by Fort Lewis and McChord AFB)

NOT going to happen.

LOL,
Babs

OK this is really bad - So I looked up your zip code (for some reason I thought you were living in Quebec???) and the second link that google came up with was the sex offender's list for that zip code.
http://www.city-data.com/soz/soz-98499.html

I will NOT go into the territory of making bad jokes about this because I think this is horrible horrible things that people do... but what was amusing (if that's the right word) was that it was the 2nd in google's list.

For some reason I was imaginingg you being a Leo but that's just me protecting I know nothing about scorpios i must say.

PROJECTING... that should have read PROJECTING (not protecting. durn cpaptalk limit of not being able to post so quicklky again. i'm not spam durnit!)

schleima wrote:

Treesap wrote:Anyhoo, just have a list of questions they can answer honestly. My major questions were:

1. If divorced, why? I don't know was not an option for an answer.
2. How do you refer to your ex-girlfriend or wife? If "C" word or any other terrible explicatives come out of their mouth, consider it a sign.
2. Have you ever had alcohol or drug problems? If so, how long have you been clean and do you still work a program?
3. Have you ever had gay sex? (I didn't want someone who would think they were gay later on. You may not get honest answers there. My husband answered this one with a truthful joke.)
4. How do you handle your finances?
5. What's your credit score?
6. How long have you worked at your job? If it's a short time, how long were you with the previous one? (My EX husband had 18 jobs in 6 years....sigh!!)

#2 was HUGE for me. I went on a date who referred to his ex as "The C**t." I didn't like that.

I've been married for 4 1/2 glorious years. I moved to frikkin' Kingman, Arizona, from GLORIOUS San Diego for him, and I don't regret it one bit.
_________________

Hmm, I have to say, this is very scary to me.

Speaking as a very happily married guy with no divorces, a great credit score, rarely drinks, decent savings and no debt, etc. etc., in my bachelor days if I went on a date with someone who railed off that litany of interview questions, there would be no second date.

I didnt' ask these question on the first date. I asked them once things appeared to be getting serious. I am the one who was responsible to look out for myself. After a failed marriage and several dysfunctional relationship, I felt a responsibility to myself to not F it up again if I was going to do it again. I am VERY PLEASED with my results.

If you haven't had to worry about these issues, then consider yourself lucky.

DANGIT! I knew I was leaving something off that list:

No Republicans
Not Married
MALE
NOT A BLEEPIN' SEX OFFENDER!

And recently I'm pretty flexible on that whole MALE thing...

Oh yeah, 43 Scorpio/Dragon.

Yeah, I live in the Ghetto. If you lived in the States you might have seen my neighborhood on COPS.

Hey, did you hear about that 11 year old kid who talked his way onto a plane at SeaTac Airport without a ticket? TWICE? Lives in my neighborhood. Lots of other stuff on his rap sheet, too. Thankfully he's not a student in my school district, though I can't figure out WHY. He's currently in juvie. Judge got a clue and noticed Mom couldn't control him. Maybe their appearance on Dr. Phil might have given you a clue?

The good news is my rent is cheap, and I can walk to work.

The bad news is that the military likes to play war games in my backyard so I feel like I'm living in downtown Baghdad. Between the artillery and, the bombers and the Blue Angels wannabees, I'm pretty shell-shocked.

And then there are my scarey meth-cooking neighbors.

Well, the REALLY SCAREY NEIGHBORS recently moved, so right now I'm not too terrified. Of course, the neighbor to my west egged her BF into tearing out all her shrubbery yesterday. Looks like Fort Lewis is winning that war in her front yard.... But I have high hopes he'll calm down and quit chainsawing all the vegetation sometime before he reaches MY backyard.

LOL,
Babs

Uh, and you wonder why you have SLEEP problems Babs?!?! Jeez you poor thing.

I'm not sure I can add much more to this discussion I'm sort of in shock now....

BTW, totally up for the amsterdam thing just say when and where.

Anonymous wrote:DreamDiver,

Thank you for a very thoughtful and helpful post!!!!!!

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head on many levels.

1) I think he was scared off by me, and you're right, I don't need no scared babies.

2) I think I scared him by being upfront that I thought he was interesting, that I found him attractive, and by inviting him out on a date. I don't think that is his comfort zone at all. I should have figured it out when he bailed on the first date, and insisted that he had to pay and we couldn't go dutch, as I had suggested. In looking back on our emails, I realize that he was only going to be comfortable with ideas that HE suggested - and that anything *I* suggested was being vetoed.

3) While I think he told me WAY MORE about himself than I told him about MYSELF, I do think I have that flaw IN SPADES, and told him more than I should have. I think I routinely overwhelm people with too much information. I'm the Queen of TMI. I think I'd like to retire that crown.

After I got home last night, he emailed me that he was disturbed by my reply to his earlier email, and that he wanted to call me and clarify why he couldn't make the date. (My reply to his email Tuesday AM explaining why he couldn't make our date that night said that I did understand, and that probably we should just keep our relationship to a cyber-pal status for now, and not pressure ourselves for a live meeting.)

I wrote him back that really it was okay, he didn't need to worry about me, and I was fine.

He called at 6 pm, as he said he would. But by that point, I was doing a slow burn and couldn't pick up the phone. I let it go to VM and then turned the phone off.

About 30 minutes later, I decided to vent my burn, and sent him an email telling him that I was sorry I'd frightened him, that was never my intention, but that I really could not listen to his excuses about it. That I really don't have the strength to listen to yet one more man tell me what a big scarey frightening dragon lady I am. I don't have the energy to keep re-assuring people that I don't bite.

It was a petty and childish email written out of hurt.

But, this AM, I don't regret it. I think that I am a very strong and forceful personality. If that frightens someone, I think they are better off getting out now, rather than getting deeper involved only to bail on me later on.

And, cynically, I feel like I've heard this once too often from men in my life. I think "If I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always gotten."

If I'm this big scarey dyke bitch, maybe it's time for me to consider dating other big scarey dyke bitches.

Luckily, I've been invited to a Lesbian dance this weekend. I think I'll go.

Cheers,
Babs

If I may chime in here with some observations... not just on Babette, but on American dating culture in general.

I think moden women are in a weird spot in our culture's history. (I'll get to how this relates specifically to you, Babette, in a minute) In my opinion, the feminism of the 60's and 70's was very much needed in order to get the pendulum moving in another direction. It is because of this push that in 2008 we can consider having a female president, and there are many empowered women who can take care of their own affairs, who are self-sufficient and determined to succeed.

But this shifting of the feminine to traditionally masculine roles comes at a price. Women still need to fight harder and louder to have equal or greater voice. This rewards women for being aggressive, bossy, confrontational... all traditionally male characteristics (and I would argue that they are most definitely negative male characteristics). I know of lots of women who proudly declare their love of their own bluster.

There is a huge paradox here. How many women do you know that are terribly conflicted by their desire to have a family (which is biologically inherent) and their desire to make a lot of money and succeed in business (which is NOT inherent, and is imposed not by biology, but by our culture, society and peers)?

Worse yet is that while modern women have acquired these negative male aggressive traits, the other part of this is that men in their lives are diminished. It is here that I believe our culture fails. Rather than seeking equality with men, many women take an "I'm more evolved than you" tack. Women have been trained to be so aggressive that many of them have become more aggressive than the men they find while they're dating. And while they claim they want a guy who respects them, they themselves do not respect those same men who have the capacity to do the same.

I think a lot of guys are confused and intimidated by this. In your situation, Babette, there seems to be a few things going on.

1. You're coming across in a very strong way, proudly declaring your dragon-lady bluster, trying to appear strong and masculine as our culture has trained you to be.

2. At the same time, you're expressing your femininity-- baring your soul... expressing your need to love and care and nest.

Another related part of this is the psychology of modern american dating (and especially internet dating) where there might "be someone better" just around the corner, or on the next click of a mouse button... so why should a guy stick around to filter through the dragon lady/emotional paradox confusion when there are thousands of other for him to click through? (the sad joke is that he's just as likely to experience the same confusion on 95% of the women on those other pages).

Another thing I'm finding as I push into my mid-30s is that those super pretty girls who were really obnoxious in their teens and 20's but always could get a date because of their beauty are finding that there are fewer and fewer guys willing to put up with the same adolescent crap from a 35 year old. So there's now hordes of these frustrated women, disparaging men, working hard to succeed in their careers but bitter, sad, and those negative aggressive male characteristics flourish in this environment (and helps to push them away from un-baggaged, nice guys). Again, I really believe that this is primarily a flaw of our society and culture. This stuff doesn't happen so much in countries where dating culture is different and not as overtly promiscuous. (they have their own set of problems... but that's not a topic for this discussion!)

By the way, my personal solution to this (which admittedly doesn't help your situation) and the reason that I am a very happily married guy is that I didn't marry an American. My wife and I are both avid travelers, and we met through a travel club in California while she was on a round-the-world trip!) I tried and tried with American girls (and a Canadian), but in the end, I just couldn't deal with the craziness, which I really feel is endemic to our culture.

Adam

Adam,

Sounds like an excellent reason for me to try women!

Cheers,
Babs

Schleima,

Are you saying American/Candadian/Western women are F'd up?

Anonymous wrote:

schleima wrote:

Treesap wrote:Anyhoo, just have a list of questions they can answer honestly. My major questions were:

1. If divorced, why? I don't know was not an option for an answer.
2. How do you refer to your ex-girlfriend or wife? If "C" word or any other terrible explicatives come out of their mouth, consider it a sign.
2. Have you ever had alcohol or drug problems? If so, how long have you been clean and do you still work a program?
3. Have you ever had gay sex? (I didn't want someone who would think they were gay later on. You may not get honest answers there. My husband answered this one with a truthful joke.)
4. How do you handle your finances?
5. What's your credit score?
6. How long have you worked at your job? If it's a short time, how long were you with the previous one? (My EX husband had 18 jobs in 6 years....sigh!!)

#2 was HUGE for me. I went on a date who referred to his ex as "The C**t." I didn't like that.

I've been married for 4 1/2 glorious years. I moved to frikkin' Kingman, Arizona, from GLORIOUS San Diego for him, and I don't regret it one bit.
_________________

Hmm, I have to say, this is very scary to me.

Speaking as a very happily married guy with no divorces, a great credit score, rarely drinks, decent savings and no debt, etc. etc., in my bachelor days if I went on a date with someone who railed off that litany of interview questions, there would be no second date.

I didnt' ask these question on the first date. I asked them once things appeared to be getting serious. I am the one who was responsible to look out for myself. After a failed marriage and several dysfunctional relationship, I felt a responsibility to myself to not F it up again if I was going to do it again. I am VERY PLEASED with my results.

If you haven't had to worry about these issues, then consider yourself lucky.

Anonymous wrote:Schleima,

Are you saying American/Candadian/Western women are F'd up?

What I'm saying that in my observation, our society does not do a good job of encouraging the elements that create a harmonius, healthy dynamic between men and women.

Love was always very straightforward thing for me. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I had to offer. But I kept running into people for whom love was this complicated, tortured thing because of all the crap they'd been through in their lives. I never dated in high school and barely in college, so I hadn't experienced the same level of pain and suffering that other people my age had. When I was 25, my dating expeirnece was like at the 15 year old level, yet I was dating fellow 25 year olds who had been through broken engagements, painful breakups, etc. adding baggage to their lives. It's like I had fallen far behind in this terrible game of catch up where in order to get ahead you have to get beaten up.

So when I met my wife, who had never really had her heart broken, and who could love fully with her heart on her sleeve, I said to myself "This is a precious gift... do not let her go." And so we got married

Adam

And so it behooves American men to go shopping for third world brides?

Another good reason for me to try women.
B.

Anonymous wrote:And so it behooves American men to go shopping for third world brides?

Another good reason for me to try women.
B.

Oy

I know you're kidding, but I have to take it seriously and say that's a terrible suggestion. If someone is going to shop themselves on one of those services, it speaks more to the negative qualities of both parties. Reducing life partnership to a financial transaction is demeaning.

I could suggest that you cultivate friendships abroad. It's really exciting to have friends in distant lands who welcome you into their home with a warm cup of tea and a fragant pot filled with some local delicacy.

Adam