Husband help!

[Zzzwife]

My husband has a CPAP machine but has to use the full mask because of his deviated septum. He has never been able to breathe out of his nose. He needs surgery but I could barely get him to the doctor for his sleep test. The man refuses preventative health care. He was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and can stop breathing for up to 40 seconds at a time. He has gotten into the habit of going to sleep without wearing his machine. He works extremely long hours so it is a hassle for him to clean his machine regularly and uses that as an excuse not to wear it. He gets annoyed when I prompt him to use it. My nights consist of hearing him gasp for air and hearing his snoring through my ear plugs. I really think I have hearing loss because of it. His symptoms have been so bad lately that sometimes it sounds like he is snoring while he is awake. He says his throat relaxes and he feels like he can fall asleep instantly and this happens when he is driving (scary). I've informed him and his doctor has informed him of the health risks and that weight loss can help. It's like people who smoke know that it can kill them, yet they still do it. He knows sleep apnea is serious, yet the response effort to maintain his CPAP equipment and the fact that it is uncomfortable to wear overpowers the benefits he could have by simply forcing himself to wear it. I don't have to wear it and I am sympathetic of his condition. I've read through forums and everyone says to try different masks but he is limited in what he can wear because he needs the full mask. I haven't done anything more than prompt him to wear it and the results are consistent: frustration for both of us. I need ideas on how I can get him to wear the mask and how we can get him to keep the mask on for more than an hour once he actually wears it. He knows he feels better when he wears it and people at work tell him he has more energy. I'm thinking about having him graph the nights he puts his mask on, so he can have some visual feedback. I could also use some kind of incentive but it's hard to make anything an incentive when you feel so tired and grumpy! I need help!

[Sloop]

He needs to "man up" and get the operation for the deviated septum - and like yesterday. THAT alone might make it feasible for him being able to wear a nasal mask, instead of full-face. And nasal masks are wonderful in terms of comfort.

[chunkyfrog]

There are dozens of styles of full face masks. Take a look at the varieties on cpap.com.
If his mask makes him sore, or leaks, you might need to try a different one.
Mask companies allow DME's to return masks for credit, that have been out less than 30 days (not that they will)
Many people find relief with a mask liner (Rem-zzz's or PadACheek), as the fabric feels better than silicone.

[jen4700]

I feel for you, I really do. Is he computer savvy? Maybe downloading his data (if he has a data-capable machine) and showing him the numbers would move him in the right direction? You can never MAKE someone change, but you can change. You could sleep in a different bedroom until he is compliant. You could start exercising and ask him to come along. Does he know that heart attacks and strokes can result form untreated OSA? If he doesn't want to use the machine, ask him which nursing home he'd like to be in after his stroke. Life is all about choices.

I know of a sad story in FL where a man with SEVERE OSA (family man, never did anything illegal) fell asleep at the wheel and hit a bicyclist, luckily didn't kill him. He is now doing 3 years in prison.

[robysue]

1) Tell him you're moving out of the bedroom because you can't stand to loose anymore of your sleep listening to him "gasp for air and hearing his snoring through my ear plugs" and that you believe you've sustained hearing loss because of his snoring. Tell him you'll move back into his bed only when he agrees to use his machine every night.

2) Start nagging him about whether his life insurance is properly paid up.

3) You write: "He knows he feels better when he wears it and people at work tell him he has more energy. I'm thinking about having him graph the nights he puts his mask on, so he can have some visual feedback." This is a wonderful idea. If his machine records efficacy data you might also have him start looking at that data.

4) Offer to go mask shopping with him at the DME so that he can see the large number of styles of FFMs that are available. If his DME doesn't stock but one or two, it's time to start looking around for another DME that does stock a large range of masks. Note that many (if not most) major metro areas will have one or more DMEs that specialize in CPAP equipment. And they may have a much wider range of masks for hubby to look at.

5) I'll admit up front that this one falls into the category of "severely coddling" and so it might not be acceptable to you. But it will take away one of his excuses: You say "He works extremely long hours so it is a hassle for him to clean his machine regularly and uses that as an excuse not to wear it." So you could offer to help him clean his equipment. Or offer to clean it for him---provided he'll then use it the next seven to fourteen days. Realistically the hose and the humidifier tank don't need all that much attention---one decent cleaning job every week or two is usually sufficient to keep it clean. You can get away with a quick wipe down of the mask cushion on a daily basis if you don't want to actually wash it more frequently than once a week or so. Unscented alcohol-free and aloe-free baby wipes do a decent enough job on keeping the mask cushion clean between weekly or bi-weekly cleanings. So if hubby won't find the time to clean his equipment every other week, then you could do it for him as long as he then wears it for the next fourteen days or so.

[chunkyfrog]

My sweetie was the first one diagnosed.
It was like pulling teeth to get him into the first sleep study.
Then they told him he COULD treat his positional apnea by sleeping on his side.
I had to get both of MY sleep studies, and use my machine for 7 months before he would get the titration study
(he would start out on his side, but invariably be lying on his back--not always breathing.)
In the 7 months, I downloaded Rescan (he's an inveterate geek), and had him drive me to the local support group.
The tipping point was when a heart doc lectured about apnea-related heart problems (his dad died of a heart attack)

[mayondair]

I just got a real bargain on a BIPAP, sold to me by the family of a recently deceased loved one. When I downloaded the data it was easy to see the dearly departed rarely used his machine the previous year, and never more than a few hours at a time. He was 55. Get lots of life and long term care insurance on your hubby.
Drag him to get a comfy mask if you can. If not, ask him about which diapers he would like. I wouldnt be above using scare tactics. Maybe Dori will chime in, she knows how to get things on track with a reluctant spouse.
Hope he comes around! kathy

[lazer]

...
The tipping point was when a heart doc lectured about apnea-related heart problems (his dad died of a heart attack)

The fact you mentioned that hits home. My dad died back in 1987 of a sudden heart attack at age 56. Remembering back, he snored loudly and constantly while I remember silent pauses and then a loud abnormal snore as he would often fall asleep in his "easy chair". He was never one to go to the doctor about anything though unless it really was something that put him out of commision. Looking back knowing what I know now, I'm convinced he had some pretty severe OSA going on and wish I wasn't so young and dumb then and would have realized. This is part of my driving force in taking care of myself at age 45 now.

Sorry if I went off-topic and hijacked the thread. But maybe what I just posted can provide some encourgement to your husband that this is something serious!

[DoriC]

Hi zzzwife, Robysue covered most of the things I'd suggest, here's a few more that I can remember right now. I printed out several pertinent posts from the Success Stories thread at the top of the home page and left them lying around. He didn't touch them for a few days but I know he read them with no conversation. After a night of particularly heavy snoring and gasping for breath I told him that the legacy he would be leaving me with is guilt for the rest of my life knowing I let him die in his sleep without doing enough to save him. He said nothing, turned and went into the bedroom(slamming the door) and stayed there for a long time. I did not speak to him for 2 days ( I know that kills him) and on the third night as we were getting ready for bed in silence, he turned to me and said, "Let's Go". If your husband has a weak spot, go for it! I can't say it was a fairy tale at first because we had several intense months of adjustment and sleep deprivation but with lots of help from the experts here. I had to educate myself in a hurry because I had to be the caregiver of his therapy as he was not capable and still is not. We've had lots of other medical issues to deal with, I'm sure related to years of untreated sleep apnea, but I'm grateful that my husband's quality of life has improved immensely and I have a companion again, although not in the same way as before since the damage has already been done. Hope this helps a bit.

[xenablue]

Hi zzzwife, and welcome! Please ask your hubby if his life insurance is all paid up and his affairs are in order. Then ask him what brand of adult diapers he wants to wear when he has a stroke - unless he falls asleep and wipes himself out and possibly kills innocent people.

I'm sorry if this sounds tough, but I'm sick of hearing from sad, desperate spouses who only want to make sure their partners are around to live a full and healthy life together, and the 'other' just casually paddles down the river of DeNial. This is very shortsighted, and selfish IMHO.

Tell hubby to man-up. I also work very long hours, at more than one job and have other medical issues to deal with, that also take preparation and time each day. Yes, XPAP is a challenge, but attitude is about 75% of the success. Convince hubby to commit to succeeding - to stay alive and save his marriage.

I spend very little time cleaning my CPAP gear. My mask gets a wipe with CPAP wipes every day, then some stuff gets washed once a week. It's not a big deal, and doesn't take but a couple of minutes.

I wish you success with convincing your hubby to give this a fair go - for both your sakes. You sound like a very caring wife, who only wants the best for her hubby - it must be hard to witness his struggle for air when he sleeps.

Hopefully he'll also come here and take advantage of the wonderful support and advice from the amazing people on this forum - I'd have struggled much more had I not found this place.

Cheers,
xena

[Sloop]

Yes, XPAP is a challenge, but attitude is about 75% of the success. Convince hubby to commit to succeeding - to stay alive and save his marriage.

There is a percentage of us hose-heads who had no problem whatsoever adapting to CPAP. I have never once had even a minute of struggle, and that goes back to the very first night many many years ago. So, it is possible that her husband will fall into that group.
When a person is noticeably sick from OSA, the first good night of restorative sleep is so dramatic a change that you literally can't wait for the next night.

[Zzzwife]

Thank you all very much. I appreciate your time and the great advice. It is frightening to think of all of the consequences of OSA. It's time to get to work on project CPAP!

[xenablue]

That's true, sloop, however it's not that way for a lot of people. I adapted immediately to CPAP, BUT it took quite a while before I was actually comfortable sleeping with a mask strapped to my face.
My determined attitude to make this work is what got me 'over the hump' - that the desire to live for a while longer and spending time here following the advice of the experienced posters.

Cheers,
xena

[tiredmama]

It sounds like you've gotten great advice! I was also going to suggest cleaning his equipment, at least for a short time, to remove that excuse, if he truly does work a lot more hours than you do. My husband and I go through that and there are some extra things I will do for him since he is away so many hours, but some of that is his own doing and I'm not his maid either

I had surgery to correct a severely deviated septum and other nasal problems earlier this year and I'm very happy I did it. Does your hubby have sinus problems? I always thought I had awful sinuses...it turns out I just had an awful nose The chronic sinus pressure and congestion are gone, and I can breathe through my nose only after a lifetime of mouthbreathing. The nose is just one part of snoring, but in my case, it did improve the sound of my snoring a lot. I didn't realize just how LOUD it was until I was considering the surgery, and i felt so bad for my family once I knew! The first week after the surgery was pretty rough for me, but some people have a much easier time, and it was still worth it.

In the meantime, maybe he can try a hybrid mask or other one? I started with a full-face, because I'm still retraining my brain that I CAN breathe if my mouth is closed, but I am trying a tight chinstrap with nasal pillows, which would never have been an option pre-surgery. The hybrid sounds like a wonderful nose and mouth option.

[Starlette]

Hi Zzzwife,

You got some awesome advice. Therefore, no need for me to add. One thing I disagree with is who leaves the master bedroom.
Me? I'd be telling my husband, "You can either sleep in the other bedroom or on the couch. I can no longer get the proper rest I need hearing you gasp for air and snoring so loudly. I need my sleep also." "You want to come back to sleep with me in our bedroom? Fine, only when you plan to use your xpap." No need to being nasty about it, just assertive. I guess the way I look at it is if he wants to have a woman in his bed and regain sleeping in his bedroom, then he needs to comply and start using his xpap. It makes you and your bedroom look like the reward for compliance. In fact as I'm here typing this, I'm thinking of one more addition. Put something very sexy on and act flirtatious with him say, "See what you're missing out on sweetheart? Our bedroom, me and good lovin'" and slink away saying nothing more. That should get his juices going. This puts the ball back in his court. He has to decide what he's going to do. IMHO. For me, when I have a new mask that I am trying to tweak and get used to it, I always sleep in the spare bedroom. I don't wish to wake my husband up.

When my husband was well into smoking, I would encourage him to quit smoking (NOTE: He eventually did). One very snowy and cold night, I was fed up with the white cloud in my living room. What did I do? Went over to one of the windows and opened the window all the way telling him "I deserve to breath oxygen without smoke." As state, he did quite smoking.

Starlette