Me, Him, and It

[mrsbear]

We are newlyweds and my husband is a cpap user. Unfortunately, we have found it impossible to cuddle all night with Darth Vader between us, and therefore he has not been using the machine at all during the past few months. He is really feeling the ill effects now, in particular daytime sleepiness to the point of nodding off at his desk at work. It's important to us both to have that cuddling and closeness while we sleep, and while he has tried using the machine a few nights a week as opposed to every night, he invariably ends up electing to forego the machine in favor of holding me while we sleep. Does anyone have any bright ideas for us???

[portiemom]

Welcome to the cpap family. I can certainly understand what you are going through, and you are not alone. Most of us have experienced the same issues with therapy and I am sure many others with more wisdom than I will chime in.
Yes, masks, machines, hoses, are quite and adjustment for all of us, but you must remember that this is a Life Saving measure that we take to enhance, and prolong our quality of life. Being a newlywed brings an even bigger challenge as you know, but this can be managed. Cuddling with your spouse is possible, it sometimes takes some inventiveness, and a change of habits. I'm sure you will figure this out, perhaps "spooning" with your husband facing away from you is an option? What I am sure of is that without the prescribed treatment that you both know he NEEDS, will impact your time together in a very negative way in the short and long term.
I do know that is is possible to have a wonderful, spontaneous, loving longer life with "It", because my husband and I worked at it, and after 8 years we are still on our "honeymoon". God Bless my friend, and take the wonderful advice others will give you! I applaud your honesty, and willingness to make "IT" work!

[notyorz]

As a semi-newlywed (married 2 years, 1 month, 20 days) and a new user to APAP, I have a few suggestions:

1. Do your cuddling before the mask goes on. My husband and I have found we had to make time for this therapy and to fit it in to our lives. I still fall asleep with my head on his shoulder, cuddled up against him. Nothing has changed. Perhaps he needs to explore mask options to allow for whatever cuddling positions you both like best. Get creative with different ways you two can connect throughout the night.

2. Get a hose buddy to keep the CPAP hose up and away from both of you.

3. Understand this treatment is not the type of therapy you use when it's convenient. If he was prescribed a CPAP, it was meant to be USED. Period. I don't know how severe his apnea or his symptoms are. He does. If he's feeling ill effects and continues to disregard treatment due to the inconvenience of snuggle time, he (and you) needs to look at this in a different perspective.

4. Learn all you can about his type of sleep apnea, for knowledge is power to overcome. From your post, it seems maybe both of you are quite negative about the CPAP machine. That might change if you understood exactly how important it is for him to be compliant.

5. Think of the consequences of him not being compliant: He could fall asleep at the wheel while driving. He's already nodding off at work. I bet if that happens when he's driving, you'll be lucky enough to even HAVE a husband around to snuggle with. Believe me, if he's hurt (or worse), you would have wished he just put the darned mask on...

6. You can almost sense a tone of jealousy in your post that you think it's good or you at least want him to choose YOU over the machine. Please, it is very important he has a strong support system. If you accept his limited abilities to cuddle throughout the night, he will too. Believe me, you will both find plenty of other ways to show your affection. You're newlyweds after all! Focus on the energy he will have if he sticks with the machine. You'll be living a long and happy life together with successful treatment.

I sincerely hope you will think about ways to make the adjustment easier. Sounds like you both need to get through to the point of acceptance. I wish you the best of luck in getting there.

Just my 2¢

Marianne

[Heavylids]

Congrats on getting married. I suppose if you want your new husband around for many years to come you'll find a way to keep the mask on his face while he sleeps. Sorry to be blunt but the complications of untreated sleep apnea are far greater than missing out on a little cuddling. Good luck figuring it out.

[Mary Z]

I don't sleep without my machine. True I have been with my partner for 13 years and she gets up much earlier than I do, but we cuddle until she falls asleep and then I turn over and don my mask. We cuddle back to back then. I know it's a real bother not to be able to cuddle all night, but he really needs to use his machine while he sleeps. Please, if you want to keep him around for a while insist that he put his mask on to sleep. I know how you feel- it's so nice to sleep in someone's arms. I wish I could do it myself. Congratulations on a loving marriage.

[Maxie]

I've been on CPAP for about 5 months and with my partner for nearly 3 years. First I think you need to think of "it" as part of HIM and not something separate. My partner hated to watch me stop breathing and be afraid I was going to die. Often he would wake me up. He is now totally accepting of my sleeping with CPAP and we can cuddle and make plans and my mask is removable. I suggest smart start or a similar function on his machine as I can take off my mask and my machine will automatically cut off without reaching over for it. You can be creative and be glad he is alive and doing well on CPAP. CPAP is now HIM so it's ME and HIM. Change in thinking.

[Maxie]

P.S. I would also suggest a mask with a hose that goes up over his head to keep it out of the way.

[greatunclebill]

ditto on what everyone has said about using the machine and change in thinking. do what you do as newlyweds, but when it's sleep time leave each other alone. it's hard enough getting used to the mask and machine and using it every night without all of this. remember this is not a temporary thing. he will use his mask til death do you part. the more he uses it, the further away that date should be.

i learned the hard way that cpap is not an option. do him a favor and stay away and let him use it so you both don't have to learn the hard way. my wife and i have been together since 1999 and except for an unavoidable family emergency we haven't been apart longer than 12 hours in a row ever. but when it's time to sleep, we're strangers. it has to be that way.

get a puppy and cuddle with it when you feel the urge. my wife and i both use cpap and have 2 little dogs on the bed with us every night. i turn my way, she turns hers and the pups get to choose who they want to lean against.

[xenablue]

I agree with what others have said. If you want a long and happy life together, please don't risk that just because you want to lie in each other's arms all night. If you do, your nights together will be very limited - do you want to wake up one morning and find that he didn't? Just because he/you decided to cuddle all night instead of breathe?

Fortunately my DH and I both love our own space for sleeping, and have a Cali. King bed to ensure this. Does it mean we aren't in love? Hell no! Even masked up we find ways to 'have fun' and show our love and desire for each other.

You could try spooning if you need to have full body contact all night.

"IT" is what will keep him alive and avoid many very nasty complications (that you may have to nurse him with indefinitely) - embrace "IT" and find a way to become a threesome.

I understand it's tough, and you are newlyweds - but find ways around your issues - for both your sakes.

Cheers,
xenablue

[BlackSpinner]

We are newlyweds and my husband is a cpap user. Unfortunately, we have found it impossible to cuddle all night with Darth Vader between us, and therefore he has not been using the machine at all during the past few months. He is really feeling the ill effects now, in particular daytime sleepiness to the point of nodding off at his desk at work. It's important to us both to have that cuddling and closeness while we sleep, and while he has tried using the machine a few nights a week as opposed to every night, he invariably ends up electing to forego the machine in favor of holding me while we sleep. Does anyone have any bright ideas for us???

If you really loved him you would make sure he uses it everynight without fail. I am sure you will agree that having a functioning heart and brain is far far more important then a couple of minutes cuddling, unless the thought of changing his adult diapers turns you on. You may also want to buy and nice black dress and make sure his life insurance is paid up.

This in not about being sleepy! It is about preventing strokes and heart attacks.

[Ticman]

I guess I don't understand. Are you getting right up in his face all night long? I can spoon with my wife facing her or away from her. I just point the tube so it blows away from her. I can sleep on my back and her head on my shoulder. Again pointing the tube so it blows over my head away from her. Since my hose is only 6 foot she does have to come over to my side of the bed but really that's about all the compromise we needed.

She likes the sound of the air from my mask waaaayyy more than the snoring I used to do. Heck, she can't sleep without the sound anymore.

[Uncle_Bob]

Does anyone have any bright ideas for us???

Umm get proactive about his CPAP therapy

If you could fill in the equipment he uses in the User Control panel, or better still get him to sign up here in person and do it.
You could then expand on the issues you are having and the helpful folk around here will likely offer you help and suggestions.
Its common to have to work around issues with adapting to the therapy.
You mention darth vadar so i assume you are bothered about the noise during the night? Is is machine noise or the mask? He could be leaking from the mask? or mouth leaking? There may be software available for his machine, he may be able to download detailed data of a nights sleep which will highlight any problems ....

He could easily learn how to become his own best therapist, or give up. If he chooses to give up I would make sure you have a good life insurance policy in place

~UB

[jab1972]

Unfortunately, we have found it impossible to cuddle all night with Darth Vader between us

For what it's worth, my wife & I shifted to a reverse spoon. Still get to snuggle, and the mask & hose stay on the outside. And she isn't getting woken by my constant snoring. If the sound is bugging you, maybe try a fan or other source of white noise.

[jen4700]

This in not about being sleepy! It is about preventing strokes and heart attacks.

This is true. Read this over and over to yourself. As others have mentioned, get creative. A positive attitude is key. Congrats on your new life!!!

[Janknitz]

Spooning works.

With DH and me, just a little physical contact somewhere is enough to know we're there for each other. Our feet may touch, (except when mine are ice box cold ), a hand, backs against each other, whatever. Just enough so we know the other person is there. It's the thought that counts.

Remember you vowed something along the lines of "in sickness or in health"? If you want him there "in health", CPAP is absolutely necessary. Show your love by being supportive of this vital treatment.