Me, Him, and It

Please, Mrs. Bear, listen to the wisdom of this wonderful group, and encourage your husband to get back with his machine. My husband and I don't like Darth Vader either, but we've made our peace with it. We snuggle for a while before we go to sleep, and then, as others have mention, spoon for a while with the mask and hose on the outside. My husband knows that he's likely to have me around much longer if I use my CPAP, and I definitely feel better using it.

Best to you both.

Debbie

Cuddle before you go to sleep and remind him to put his mask on. Just because he has the mask on doesn't mean he can't hold onto you. Their are times my wife wants to cuddle more and she snuggles up behind me.

Just think of other ways to be close yet keep the mask on.

I want to add my two cents as an older person who has been there and done that.....so to speak.....I totally get where you are coming from. Sweetie you absolutely need to encourage him and be his biggest supporter of his CPAP therapy!!!! If he is falling asleep during the day he is not getting what he needs to stay healthy let alone stay alive!! Unless you change your attitude he really will not be there for you to cuddle. Pretty soon if not already he will be crabby and irritable and hard to live with. He will start getting headaches and body aches, he will feel like he is just going through the motions of living....he will start to not want to do things with you, everything will change for the worse.....don't let that happen. These people know what they are talking about.....listen to them, have your new husband join this group he will learn so much and he will get the support he needs here!!

Good luck to you! Hugs,
Janice

My wife "listened" to me snoring - very occasionally commenting on it, never complaining (it's normal, isn't it?). One night, at about 3:00 AM I woke her up saying that I needed to go to the Emergency Room. I left a pool of blood on the floor of the bathroom, and got about 20 stitches in my forehead. I was in hospital for 4 nights, including the weekend while they ran tests (no cuddling on those nights!). Nothing was found to explain my collapse, but the neurologist suggested a sleep study before very expensive neurological tests. Turned out I had severe sleep apnea. Have used the machine almost every night since then (couple of nights of power failure, couple of nights traveling. Not using the machine is not an option for me. I am considerably older than your new husband, but the symptoms sound very familiar. PLEASE help him USE the machine every night. The alternatives are too horrible to think about. Yes it is a pain. But being without him would be a bigger pain. Looking after him when he has had a heart attack or a stroke would also be a huge pain. That is what it would be like before you have children. The pain of raising kids without a father would be enormous.

Brutal? Yes, I know. I am sorry if you are upset. But everyone on this forum does care about you, and your loved ones. Some have even lost their loved ones. If you need to, come back here for more advice. Seek help from your family physician. Seek help from your husband's sleep doctor. Seek help from friends/relatives who are also on cpap (your husband probably has some). Seek help from a psychologist if you need to. Please just do it.

Warning although others have hinted at it my wife lost her first husband to sleep apnea when her now adult daughter was 5 years old. When I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea she celebrated when I quickly got treatment.

NOBODY on this board is going to say it's okay to sleep without the cpap. Put it on after sex. Take it off for sex. Put it back on.

It isn't the ideal situation, but it's vital medical equipment. If he loves you, he will use it to stay alive and healthy for you so that you are not widowed or caring for an invalid. If you love him, you will not only put up with it, but encourage him to start using it so that he can be healthy.

Think of it this way - if he had cancer, would he refuse chemo because bald isn't romantic?

Leave it on before, during and after.
Wearing the getup can be such a turn on.
It challenges your inventiveness;
and it helps set the scene for some very naughty "playing doctor", or "astronaut", or "firefighter".

Chunkyfrog YOU ROCK!! And if the headgear is too big, have em hold on before, during, after,

msbear - if you're still around, hopefully reading this thread, even if you haven't responded since you started it - something else to consider that I haven't seen mentioned here is E.D. It came to mind after reading chunkfrog and portiemom's comments. As a newlywed, I'm sure you and DH won't want to be having problems when your cuddling leads to more active displays of affection. OSA WILL affect hubby's ability to perform if he doesn't use his machine - it's just a matter of time.

Please don't leave this forum because we're not telling you things you want to hear - everyone here wants to help you and your new hubby have a long, happy and healthy life together. Ignoring the facts won't make them go away.

Cheers,
xena

It makes me nervous when I read about someone making cpap treatment an option. It is quite a gamble. Wheelchairs are inconvenient as well but we don't make them an option. You need to rethink whether you both want his survival to be a priority and then the solutions will be easier to adapt to.

I am normally not a fan of "tough love," though many on this forum disagree with me on that approach.

But, this post touched a nerve with me. And since you asked for advice, I'm going to give it.

I am in a very similar position to you (in fact, my wedding is in two weeks). How did I respond to my fiance's serious OSA? I got myself a machine/mask too, so he would feel more normal wearing one.

What should you do? You should refuse to sleep in the bed if he's not wearing his mask. He wants to cuddle? Awesome, but you won't cuddle unless he wears his mask. Hold hands/entwine limbs/spoon him while you sleep. It's all lovely. BUT ONLY IF HE'S WEARING HIS MASK. Do you love him? Then you should refuse to harm him. Any lack of support on your part harms him.

(I am giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you are 100% supportive of his XPAP treatment and would NEVER ( ) prefer that he hold you while you sleep instead of wearing his mask. Because that would make you beyond selfish.)

Listen, I would have a limb amputated for the man I am marrying. But I don't have to, because a tiny little machine keeps him alive and healthy instead. I f'ing love that machine. Think about that the next time you think that mask is less than romantic.

/rant

OMG! Please get over it

chunkyfrog wrote:Leave it on before, during and after.

Pugsy will probably tell you that in that case you should discard the data. And don't take into account the leaks!!!

To the OP: I can only agree with what they said.

user from Singapore wrote:

chunkyfrog wrote:Leave it on before, during and after.

Pugsy will probably tell you that in that case you should discard the data. And don't take into account the leaks!!!

And don't ask for explanations of what the numbers mean!

Now that the posts in this thread have finally turned humorous, which is a good thing, I will take the risk of adding my two cents.

While all of you have given the original poster good advice, some of you IMHO have been too harsh in your criticism of her motives.

If the newly-married Mrs. Bear didn't take her husband's condition and need for cpap therapy seriously, she wouldn't have posted here on cpaptalk in the first place, now would she?

I see nothing in her original post to suggest that she was looking for excuses to not have her husband use the cpap therapy. She was looking for good advice, as many others have done before her, as to how to cope with and harmonize physical intimacy with cpap treatment.

I hope she has not been chased away by some of the harsh treatment, suggesting that she was being selfish by asking for counsel here.

And I apologize for my post, if I in turn have offended any other posters here.

Respectfully,

Nate