OT: Just in case you need a giggle today

[ameriken]

Bob was a bad sleeper. His doc gave him a strong prescription.

But the doctor warned "These aren't regular pills, they're suppositories, do you know how to take them?"

Not wanting to be treated like an idiot, Bob replied "Doc, I'm an intelligent guy, I know exactly what to do".

Two weeks later, Bob drags himself into the doctors office looking really ragged. "Doc, they're not working, I've hardly slept a wink".

Quite puzzled, the doctor asks him "You've been taking these pills properly haven't you?"

Bob gets a little miffed at the question and snaps, "Doc, don't treat me like an idiot, ok? They don't work, just give me something else".

A little hesitant, the doctor write out another prescription. "Look, these are extremely powerful. And these too are suppositories, they're not regular pills. I have to ask you...."

Bob cuts him off "Stop treating me like a child, just give me the damn prescription, I know how to take the stupid little things."

Well, a couple of weeks later, Bob practically has to crawl himself into the office. He looks like death because he is severly sleep deprived. "Doctor, nothings working, none of these pills are doing the job, you've got to do something for me, I can't take it anymore".

The doctor is very concerned, and about ready to call 911 because of how horrible Bob looks. He asks his patient, "Look Bob, I've given you very powerful suppositories that have worked on just about every patient that's taken them. Something is not right here. Please tell me, are you sure you know what suppositories are? I mean, how have you been taking these?"

Bob manages to open one eyelid to barely look at the doctor, and he snarls, "Well doc, what the hell do you think I've been doing with them, sticking them up my a**?"

[Slinky]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter:
"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

[jbn3boys]

An 80 yr old lady was marrying for the 4th time. Newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living. She smiled & said "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director. When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers; She explained"I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go..."(too cute not to pass on)

[ameriken]

An 80 yr old lady was marrying for the 4th time. Newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living. She smiled & said "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director. When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers; She explained"I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go..."(too cute not to pass on)

LOL, very cute.

[ameriken]

[ameriken]

A Lovely Summer Day

It was a lovely summer day
And I could hardly wait.
To look out my bedroom window
and gaze at my estate.

The breeze was blowing gently
And it made the flowers sway.
The garden was enchanting
On this inspiring day.

My eyes fell on a little bird
With a beautiful yellow bill.
I motioned it to come
And light upon my sill.

I smiled at it so cheerfully
And gave him a crust of bread.
Then I quickly shut the window
And smashed his f*****g head.

[ameriken]

9 deadly words used by a woman that men should be aware of

1) Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5) Loud Sigh

This is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6) That’s Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks

A woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you’re welcome. However, if she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ . that will bring on a ‘whatever’.

8 ) Whatever

Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

9) Don’t worry about it, I got it

Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

[jbn3boys]

(This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).

I Love Mustard.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers..

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard "Poupon"

[Perrybucsdad]

Oh jeez, that's horrible!!

Okay, well here is a Male Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, will you marry me?

The Princess said, No!!!

and the Prince lived happily ever after!

and rode motorcycles

and banged skinny long-legged big-****** broads

and hunted

and fished

and raced
motorcycles

and went to naked bars

and dated women half his age

and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan

and never heard *****ing

and never paid child support or alimony

and banged cheerleaders

and kept his house

and guns

and ate spam and potato chips and beans

and blew enormous farts

and never got cheated on while he was at work

and all his friends and family thought he was freekin’ cool as hell

and he had tons of money in the bank

and left the toilet seat up.

The end.



What a beautiful Story!!!!!!

Brings a tear to my eye........

[ameriken]

Rodney Dangerfield one-liners


A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, nobody's home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.

I find there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I tell ya, I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, “There goes the neighbourhood!”

I tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?”He said, “I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness - AFTER I was born.

I’m so ugly my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I'm so ugly when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born my mother said, "what a treasure." My father said, "let's bury it."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years… then we met.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, “We did everything we could… but he pulled through.”

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to “the best woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me.


__._,_.___

[ameriken]

[kaiya2465]

Thanks for the laughs, needed it today.

[Perrybucsdad]

Ugh...

Okay here is one for you...

Billy from Lanark
Billy from Lanark buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool..

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

Billy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

Billy hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his pick up, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife, Liz to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says, they're all in the pick up, and one of them is beeping the horn.

[sister]

Thanks for the laughs!

[Perrybucsdad]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."