OT: Just in case you need a giggle today

Mike was a little confused. He loved his girlfriend Lorraine, but started having doubts when he met Claire Lee, a single woman who just got hired to work at his office. He found that he was falling in love with her too. As time passed, his love for Claire Lee grew stronger, and Claire Lee also was giving him hints that she liked him too. But, he remained faithful to Lorraine. He thought about breaking up with her, but just couldn't break her heart. He didn't know what to do.

Then one day, Lorraine called Mike with some sad news: she was permanently transferred by her employer to another city and she had to move across the country. She told Mike she was so sorry they couldn't be together anymore.

But instead of sadness, Mike was ecstatic as this solved his dilemma. He got on the phone and called his best friend with the good news, "I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone".

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following.

Please join me in remembering a great American Icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

The doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.
Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the Calif. Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess
twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Long time friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers.

He was never considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky and crusty at times, he was considered a
roll model for millions.

Towards the end, it was thought that he would rise again, but alas, he
was not tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John & Jane
Dough; plus they had one in the oven.

He also is survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Ameriken, Best laugh I've had in a long time!! I'm passing it on to all my friends and family! Thanks!

Thanks DoriC, I'm happy to be able to bring a laugh and a smile. I hope we can all keep this thread going!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:



Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs



She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.



She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.



T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

jbn3boys wrote: The first floor has wives that love sex.



T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

LOL, I've seen the first one before but the gender followup was great companion.

ameriken wrote: LOL, I've seen the first one before but the gender followup was great companion.

Thanks! I just HAD to revive this thread!

Earthquake Update:

President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on an obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".

Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue investigating the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party.

Conservatives however have suspect the quake was caused by the founding fathers turning over in their graves.

Rumor has it that Anthony Weiner is going to run for president.

Apparantly, after several discussions this past week, the word is that he is going to choose US Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice Presidential running mate.

Get your Weiner-Holder signs and bumper stickers early before they are all gone.

When I go, I have but one wish, just one.

That is that I die peacefully. Yes, quietly, in my sleep, just like my grandfather did.

Not like the 5 other screaming people in his car.

Well, divorce court wasn't so bad.

At least we managed to divide everything up equally, and we didn't make any scenes.

Thanks to sleep apnea, I ended up divorced. But don't worry, I've got a machine now and am feeling much better.

Oh, how did sleep apnea send my marriage reeling into divorce?

Well, I guess I didn't realize then how badly it was affecting my brain and cognitive function.

You see, I had just returned from yet another long business trip.

After I got home, as my wife and I prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a warm, loving kiss.

And then, as I turned over to go to sleep I reassured her by saying “Good night love, I just want you to know how wonderful it feels to be back in my own home, in my own bed, with my own wife".

ahhhh, jbn!!!! Thank you so much for that one (two??). Hilarious!

Here's my contribution to a great thread:

I Owe my Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear , in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck! "

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Thank you all...

I'm going to bed with happy thoughts,
A smile on my face,
A VERY relaxed belly from laughing so hard!!!

Good night

Starlette

A new wine for Seniors…

I kid you not…..
New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Patient to nurse. "Could you get me my sleeping pill? I'm nodding off and I'm afraid I might fall asleep before I get to take it. "