Just can't do it...

[bzerbe]

I have had my machine for a little over a month now. Started with the full face mask and hated it. I ordered the CPAP pro and while it is definately more comfortable for me than the full face mask, I cannot bring myself to hook myself up at night. I dread it. I don't even want to go to bed. So I hardly try anymore. The nights I do put the machine on, I fidget with it for what seems like forever and cannot relax. I usually end up ripping it off in less than 2 hours. I don't know what my problem is and why I am so adverse to using it even though I know it will ultimately help me greatly. How do I get over this? Any suggestions?

[JoeFF]

I feel sure that the majority of us have been there and can sympathize with your frustration. I have been on CPAP about 5 weeks now. I do not look forward to hooking up to that machine nightly, but I know that I sure do feel a great deal better, no more heart palpitations during the night, no more night sweats, waking up with my head soaking wet, no more falling asleep during the day because I cannot hold my head up. Basically I endure the process so that I can get the benefits. I have tried 5 different masks myself in search of the "perfect" one. I have settled on two that I use, the Opus 360 and the Swift LT, both are nasal pillows. I cannot stand anything over my mouth, so FF masks are out, and the nasal pillows get very hot to me during the night. Unfortunately there is no magic solution, no magic tips, just perseverance knowing the benefit that you are receiving from the therapy. This forum has been a tremendous help to me; without it I probably would not be succeeding in my therapy. I wish you the best and hope that you keep trying to adjust. I am sure that I am adding years to my life by using CPAP, for that I simply endure the whole process. Good luck!

[Mtnviewer]

All you can do is to keep trying. Make a list of the things that are really bugging you, such as mask fit or tension or leaks or pressure or ???? It's hard to help with just general frustration. You need to get specific with one thing at a time. Read as many posts as you can, the special Newbie section and hopefully you'll get clues as to how to make adjustments that will work for you, whether it's the mask, mask type, the mask tension, padding, mouth breathing, mouth taping, leaks, body postion, pressure settings, Auto vs. CPAP, etc.. Probably most of us here have gone through what you have, and I know that I still do after just a few months of use, but after just one good night, and day without a headache, and more energy and then knowing of the consequences of quitting, are enough incentive to keep me trying to figure things out on my own and with the help of this forum. I find the learning to be overwhelming at times, but it is what it is. My successes have been slowly building and I'm getting more good nights and days than bad, but even 2 nights ago was bad but last night great!

Experiment with mask tension so that it's not too tight? I also thought that the FF Mask at first would be claustrophobic, heavy, etc., but after learning of and trying various tensions, I got it to work and feel really good. I wouldn't go back to a Nasal mask now and I tried one type of nasal pillows without less than great success, but maybe more time or another type was needed? Also experiment with various pressures and pressure ranges. Figure out if medications if any are a help or hinderance, what about other things like diet, eating times, bedroom or your body sleeping temperature? (I'm really finding that If my bedrom temp is too warm and so my body temp is too warm, I have poor nights. Time for a cooler duvet. Who knew?

Go Slow, read the forums, ask yourself and the forum questions and hopefully you'll figure things out for you that will have you sleeping better.

[Gerald]

Your sub-conscious is opposed to the project....because it isn't convinced that you need this hassle in order to live longer.

Therefore, because your sub-conscious is in charge while you're asleep, it is subverting everything you're trying to do.

To succeed, you'll need to convince your sub-conscious that it must cooperate.

Probably the best way to do this is to purchase...or borrow...or get access to...a recording Oximeter that'll show you what your O2 blood saturation levels are...while you're asleep.

Use the Oximeter every night for a week or two.....print out the chart for every night......and see if your O2 levels are dipping below 93%...while you're asleep.

Once your sub-conscious sees the numbers......it'll decide to cooperate...or not.

This is a way to "quantify" your problem.......not just accept someone else's subjective opinion. You have to PROVE to yourself...with REAL NUMBERS....that you REALLY, REALLY have a problem. You've got to do this before you can succeed.

Gerald

[jnk]

I'm glad you posted about it.

Everyone is different, but I found that this section, among others, from the "Our Wisdom" lightbulb at the top of the page, helped me, when I was starting out, to figure out what my specific issues were so that I could begin solving them one by one:

our-collective-cpap-wisdom/CPAP-social- ... overy.html

Do any of those statements and questions hit close to home, or is it something else, do you think?

jeff

[Wulfman]

You may have to try different masks. They probably gave you a cheap POS like they did with your machine. (a data-capable machine is very helpful in trying to get this therapy figured out)
Your pressure may not be optimal, either.......too low or too high (especially when starting out)

On your way down the road in this therapy, think of some of Yogi Berra's quotes. One in particular I have bolded below.

"I am ... happy to speak my words at the university graduation. A lot of people have been quoting me ever since I came to play for the Yankees in 1946. But, as I once said, I really didn't say everything I said. So now it's my turn. I want to give some of my famous advice to the graduates. First, never give up, because it ain't over 'til it's over. Second, during the years ahead, when you come to the fork in the road, take it. Third, don't always follow the crowd, because nobody goes there any more. It's too crowded. Fourth, stay alert. You can observe a lot by watching. Fifth, and last, remember that whatever you do in life, 90 percent of it is half mental. In closing, I want to quote myself again: Thank you, Montclair State University, for making this day necessary." (Excerpts from Yogi Berra's commencement speech as delivered to the Class of 1996, Montclair State University.)

Good luck and stick with it. When you get everything working properly, the benefits will become apparent.

Den

[bearcatx16]

Hi bzerbe:

Below is a an edited quote from me to another poster, in another thread, who had problems like yours and don't feel like you are alone as there are many more who have struggled w/the new concept of CPAP in their lives. I hope this will help a little

"I know how you feel. I will not go into the details of my beginnings with cpap, except for what my Sleep Dr. did for me. I could not get through the titration because of severe claustrophobia. When my Dr. found this out he got me a machine set at 7cm H2O and a mask and I was to wear it any time I sat down to read, watch tv, relax etc. I went from 1-2 minutes, to where I took it to bed and slept with it running. I was able to use a higher pressure to see how I tolerated the increase. This took a total of 5 months before I was titrated and even then it took two tries to be successful. Now 2+ yrs later I am all well when it comes to sleeping. It's not perfect but is by far better."

Edit: I just looked up your mask and it is not receiving very good comments, like Den said the helpfull keys are a data machine finding the right mask which is done by trial and error. I think most manufacturers have a 30 day return policy.

Good luck,

Blessings

Fred

[yardbird]

Some people take to this easily and some just have a harder time. When I first started I got so discouraged with many of the same things you're going through that I actually just plain quit for almost a year. My health steadily declined. I was dying very slowly. Oxygen deprivation and sleep deprivation have this slowly accumulating affect on you. The mask is the key. If you don't have a mask you can live with, you'll struggle. Please don't give up. Breathing is your friend!

Here is something you can try...
Do this at a time when it's NOT bed time. You just want to relax. At a time when it would be OK if you fell asleep, but WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATION of going to sleep, just sit in a recliner or something with your machine and mask. Put the mask on. Turn the machine on. Now is the time to fiddle around with the fit of the mask. Don't get upset. (I know that's easier said than done at this point). Everyone's face is different. Everyone's tolerance for things TOUCHING their face is different or HOW and WHERE things touch their face. Be patient and know that this is the hard part. Once you get this part done, you're over the hump.

You may not be satisfied after just one time doing this. You may need to do it a few times. I have a real hard time getting a full face mask to fit just right and not leak. I usually use nasal pillows now, but I keep my full face mask and I fiddle with it and some nights it works great. That CPAP Pro is actually what got me back to using my machine. That particular device requires some extra fiddling to get the pillow height and angle adjusted correctly. Once you have the mouthpiece done, it should "snap" into place on your upper teeth. The pillows inflate once the machine turns on. Be patient as I found this device to be a bit fragile when adjusting the pillow tubes for height and angle. Once you get them right, they seem pretty much locked in.

The point of all of this is patience. If you're having difficulties when all you REALLY want to do is sleep, you're going to get frustrated and toss the mask. Try doing some of this fiddling BEFORE you want to sleep and ALLOW yourself the luxury of screwing this up a few times before you get it right.

I'm really sorry you're having a tough time getting started. It brings back my own memories about what a tough time I had. You WILL be successful and you'll get through this. And believe me, it will be worth it.... honest. We're not all in here trying to help each other because it's easy. We're all here because we've experienced some frustration in some form somewhere along the way and upon finding that "sweet spot" where it all starts coming together, we want to help others get there. I'd really like to be talking to you a year from now. Clear headed and healthy. Hang in there and talk to folks here. It's amazing how much help you'll get.

[bzerbe]

Aw shucks, I've got tears in my eyes now. A LOT of the quotes/questions hit close to home as well as everyone's responses. I have a hard time with being honest about my feelings, but here goes:

1) I think I pretty much in denial about the whole situation. I feel like how can I only be 34 and be in this situation with my health - overweight, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, anxiety, acid reflux, etc. I take 4-5 medications a day, depending on which day it is. Funny thing is, I know using the machine will help with all of these things.

2) I am in a semi-new relationship after a 13-year relationship/marriage. He is very supportive, was the one who essentially pushed me into doing the sleep studies and practically begs me to use my equipment. But I am embarrassed about it. I read the thread on singles and their machines and while I can see everyone's points, in my own eyes I see myself as a failure. I guess I feel like he will start seeing me that way too if I wear it when he is over. Irrational, right?

3) Gerald, your post about my subconscious not being able to accept it rattled me the most. And I think this comes from not completely understanding what could eventually happen to me if I don't buckle down and just do it. A doctor never really explained it to me - I have read a ton of information on the internet, but it either isn't sinking in or I think "that won't happen to me."

Edit: I forgot to add that I recently went on a trip with my family and had to share a room with my mother, who has complained about my snoring before. I went to great lengths to get the CPAP pro in time, took my machine with me, hooked it all up, put it on and they laughed at me. It hurt my feelings badly...I took it off.

So in essence, I don't think it is the uncomfortableness of the equipment anymore, it has more to do with my emotional problems about the whole situation. I really want to try to get better and thanks to everyone who provided insight. I would appreciate more if you have it to give.

[bzerbe]

Bearcat: Yeah, I weighed my decision to get the CPAP pro very carefully...I read both the good and the bad reviews. One of my biggest problems is that I have very sensitive sinuses and ever-present facial pressure. The full face mask hurt me too much, the forehead rest, the nose bridge and that straps across my face. I actually don't mind the CPAP pro, nothing touches my face and the pillows stay in my nostrils pretty well. The mouthpiece can be a little cumbersome at times, but it will just take some getting used to.

[DreamStalker]

Aw shucks, I've got tears in my eyes now. A LOT of the quotes/questions hit close to home as well as everyone's responses. I have a hard time with being honest about my feelings, but here goes:

1) I think I pretty much in denial about the whole situation. I feel like how can I only be 34 and be in this situation with my health - overweight, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, anxiety, acid reflux, etc. I take 4-5 medications a day, depending on which day it is. Funny thing is, I know using the machine will help with all of these things.

2) I am in a semi-new relationship after a 13-year relationship/marriage. He is very supportive, was the one who essentially pushed me into doing the sleep studies and practically begs me to use my equipment. But I am embarrassed about it. I read the thread on singles and their machines and while I can see everyone's points, in my own eyes I see myself as a failure. I guess I feel like he will start seeing me that way too if I wear it when he is over. Irrational, right?

3) Gerald, your post about my subconscious not being able to accept it rattled me the most. And I think this comes from not completely understanding what could eventually happen to me if I don't buckle down and just do it. A doctor never really explained it to me - I have read a ton of information on the internet, but it either isn't sinking in or I think "that won't happen to me."

So in essence, I don't think it is the uncomfortableness of the equipment anymore, it has more to do with my emotional problems about the whole situation. I really want to try to get better and thanks to everyone who provided insight. I would appreciate more if you have it to give.

The first step is becoming aware of the issue ... so congrats, you are on the right path. Patience is key and understanding why you must treat your condition also helps you to move forward.

[Gerald]

if you understand that you are wallowing in "self-denial".....and you know what you need to do....but can't.....we need to work on a couple of things.

Right now, I suspect your self-esteem is hitting bottom. It's not easy to raise that....but, counseling might help.

You need to get to a point where you have confidence in yourself....and that you know you're right.

The movie, "Fried Green Tomatoes" comes to mind........You need to get to a point where you're confident....that you know you're right.....and the point where you don't give a damn what anyone thinks about your CPAP therapy.

There's a whole bunch of really nice people on this forum who'll do all they can to help you......but you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get busy....with a relentless, determined attitude.

Everything I've said here has been written with "compassion" in mind. Indeed, I'm trying to "rattle" you.....but, I'm doing it with a sincere wish to help.

[Mtnviewer]

With practice you should be able to put your mask on and start up the PAP machine in the dark, at least I can now. Then you don't have to worry about anyone seeing you even if they are sharing the same room with you. Unfortunately others don't always know how to react to something new and different, so they make a joke about it, unfortunately you felt that it was at your expense. Also, we can get into patterns of communication, ineffective and incomplete communication that worsen situations. For example, your group may not know how (not a criticsm) to safely talk about some things, others can. Other people, strangers and family alike, could and do react in a curious and supportive way to seeing a CPAP set up for the first time. Only you are allowing their reactions to be problematic. Hopefully they don't really intend for you to fail, vs. them being nervous or incapable of the right thing to really say in support of you. Again, we're all different in knowledge and levels of skills.

My point with this, IF what others are thinking and saying about you is bothering you and inhibiting your use of CPAP, losing weight, exhasberating medical situations, then you may have more to explore within your own life, knowledge and skills, than just being able to use CPAP. IME, the advice to seek counselling was a very good one and like CPAP can be very helpful, informative and teach you new things about yourself and others, but it can also initially or at times be even more demoralizing and painful, until you begin to learn and understand, change and evolve. Unfortunately, counselling too often has a negative stigma that goes with it and again makes one "feel" that they are defective, which is partly true and is the whole point of trying to fix something or oneself.

In a weird way, all of this, CPAP and your posts above and the experience of others, is an OPPORTUNITY and possibly an incredible gift for you to take advantage of and to move your life forward in a new and hopefully better direction than it sounds now. Reading between the lines I'm wondering whether even your success with CPAP would be enough to change everything else for you, maybe, maybe not, but it also sounds like there are other things going on that need attention. Take small steps and keep moving forward and give yourself permission to move forward.

Another quote or two that may make some sense to you are: "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten." And another that inspires me in difficult times is: "BE the Change that you Seek".

[Gerald]

Mtnviewer.....

Quality writing......quality thoughts.

[JayC]

You are 34 and are being hooked up with appropriate treatment.....

I was 47 when finally given the appropriate treatment....despite having sleep breathing issues since puberty, and having sought medical help specifically in the late 1980s for mental fogginess and daytime fatigue. And, still it took until 2008 to get taken seriously, get properly tested, etc.

Hmmmm.....I would give MUCH to be in your position and have those additional 13 years of better vitality and functioning.......

I don't care how I look at night, I care how I feel and function in the morning. What, do these people sleep with their eyes open so it even would matter what you look like?!? Sometimes it is ignorance, sometimes nervousness, sometimes meanness..... you'll need to figure out if these people can change or if you have to "cut them loose" on some level or whether they will be more respectful of you and your feelings. If someone can't respect me and my feelings, I don't have much energy nor time for them in my life....I have already lost too much.

I'd rather "look funny" than hear complaints of how badly I snore!!! I have some humerous lines to use, but people that matter are aware that my functioning has been sub-optimal for a very long time, and they are thrilled (even if they do not understand fully) that I am functioning better with every day that goes by!! So, I have not even been able to use my witty comebacks!!

Good for you for sticking with it, even though you are struggling. Do all you can to take back your vitality. You WILL have less time and vitality without proper treatment....and you cannot get back lost time in life.

Your thoughts are very much getting in the way of mastering this necessary therapy. As others have already said...... at least you are aware of that.....that is step one....

Sleepy snuggling can happen with the mask.....especially as your current SO is supportive. Other things (<wink>) happen when we are awake...so mask is not an issue. They all come off pretty easily!!

Your life, your choice....

J