unsupportive family

[Bonnie]

Don't worry about it if she thinks it looks stupid. You sleep with hubby, right, not mom? Be thankful the one who matters is supportive. Some mom's like to do guilt trips on their children, young or grown. Take what she feels and says with a grain of salt and with your husband along with this forum your life will improve for the better.

I couldn't determine from your post if your dad is still living and not using Cpap or passed away?

[pfann447]

Bonnie,
Dad died in 2006. He had heart disease and Parkinson's Disease. His sleep apnea was never treated appropriately; I wonder if he would have lived longer had his OSA been treated. I guess we'll never know. I do know it runs in our family; my dad, two of my brothers and I all have/had it. Also I suspect my paternal grandfather had it, as he died in his sleep of a heart attack when he was 52.

I am a little ashamed of myself for my whining last night. My mom is my mom; she's got her good qualities and her faults. My husband and my kids have been enlisted to change the subject anytime it comes up --- we are just not going to discuss OSA and its treatment with my mother.

Pfann

[Debjax]

Guess I am a little cranky. My mother has been giving me a hard time about how stupid CPAP looks. Apparently she gave my father a hard time, laughed at him, and told us all how dumb it looked. I wonder if that's why he couldn't tolerate the treatment?

pfann447,

The next time your mother says anything about "how stupid CPAP looks," ask if a coffin would look better.

JimW203

Exactly. Then go on to explain that it is YOUR life, you CHOOSE TO LIVE and not die an early death by ignoring a proven health risk. Tell her firmly and forcefully that you cannot have her attempting to undermine YOUR efforts to save your own life (and here you can get a bit unkind, but necessary for your dad's sake) as she did your father's attempts to save his own life. Tell her that although she may be accepting of the fact that she will not only allow, but actually encourages her husband's failure to comply with treatment and make her an early widow is her decision, but that you choose not to make your husband an early widower. You have to be firm, your very life depends on it, and you are right, her attempts to undermine it will help you not succeed. Then you have to get some force behind your words:

"Mother, I love you very much, do not doubt that. However, this treatment is vital to my health and well being. You would not encourage me to stop taking insulin if I were a diabetic, this is just as important. If you are going to continue to attempt to undermine my treatment, I will not be able to see you, talk to you or spend any time with you until you can accept it, or at a minimum, keep your mouth shut about it."

Harsh words, but necessary if her words are causing you problems in maintaining this life saving treatment.

[Zoot]

Respect is a two way street.

Next time Mommy Dearest gives you a blast...

"Mom, unless you are a board certified physician specializing in sleep and breathing disorders, STFU."

or

"You're ignorant and have no clue what you're talking about, STFU."

[OCNorsk]

I am a little ashamed of myself for my whining last night. My mom is my mom; she's got her good qualities and her faults. My husband and my kids have been enlisted to change the subject anytime it comes up --- we are just not going to discuss OSA and its treatment with my mother.

Pfann

I hope you are not ashamed. It did not sound like whining to me. It sounded like someone who is frustrated and needs support. If my mother had said things like that to me I can tell you it would have broken my heart.
Mothers are powerful. My mom and I were very close, but if she said, "You look nice today." What I would hear was, "You look nice today, unlike the rest of the time when you look like heck."

CPAP ain't easy, especially because it is not a particularly sexy look. It takes guts. And we've got 'em one way or the other.

And I'm not obese, never have been. My father and uncle were down right skinny and I'm sure they had apnea.

[john_dozer]

My mother started giving me flack about it at first. Nothing near what's been discussed. But if I didn't snap back it probably would have headed that way.

Have confidence you are doing the right thing.

The thing about my Mom is that I've suspected she has it. And told her as much even before I was diagnosed. So this tidbit of pop-psychology just clicked with me now that she may have been being defensive about not looking at her own health issue when she started at me about my diagnosis and treatment. Being neglectful about things is easier if the people around you are also neglectful.

Although that's just a thought. She's also generally a cynic about everything and it could have been just that.

[kteague]

You certainly didn't sound like you were whining to me. Just stating what you are going through.

You know your mother best, and how it is best to handle the situation with her. There was a situation in which my mother's unconditional support was important to me, for understanding and healing of the past. For whatever reason, she was unable to give me that. I struggled with how I was going to let that affect our relationship. Both of us had disappointed the other through the years, and to the day she died about a year ago, we never discussed any of those uncomfortable things. We just went on with our lives as if they never happened. To me, those things she could not give me were just a small bit of a life usually characterized by sacrifice and care in showing her unspoken love. After her stroke, I had regrets that we didn't talk things thru while she still could, but made peace with it.

It would be nice if one day you were able to tell her, "Mom, I sure would appreciate it if you could support and encourage me to succeed in this treatment. I have a chance to avoid lots of health problems in the future by getting this right." I wouldn't say this to counter a negative remark, but in a conversation initiated by you. Maybe you could even involve her by something like having her make you a hoze cozy. If your efforts to bring her on board fail, fall back on, "I can show you better than I can tell you".

Your mother's views on sleep apnea are sadly not at all unusual. For some, hearing the facts suffice, for others seeing is believing. Then there are those who believe what they believe regardless. Many of us have been misunderstood while struggling with the symptoms of OSA, and for some it continues into their treatment. But the best part about personal success is it is personal. You know what you've got to do. May the words of any naysayers be of none effect.

Kathy

[nate fry]

They didn't know about a lot of this when your mom was young, But there is no excuse for it now.

[Insomniyak]

As I always like to say, going to my mom for support (cpap or otherwise) is like going to the hardware store for milk. BTW I AM 30# over weight which I am trying to lose, but then my neck size is 18" which I think stands the weight thing on its head.

[araminta]

It has nothing to do with weight.
I'm 5'4" and weigh 122 lbs.
Eat a very healthy diet.
Get plenty of exercise.

[Victoria]

I just wanted to say ditto to what everyone else said. Hopefully maybe the novelty of harassing you about it will wear off eventually- sending you lots of positive thoughts!

[southamk]

I feel your pain. Just ignore your mother. I have been teased that I look like Darth Vader's wife when wearing my full face mask, and "pig nose" when wearing my nasal pillow system. My advice, just laugh it off, or accept that "ok, maybe I look a little ridiculous to some" but KNOW that you are going to feel SO MUCH BETTER getting good sleep with your machine. Obstructive Sleep Apnea doesn't just affect heavy people, several people I know are "skinny" and still suffer with the condition. Hang in there.

[julieanne]

I'll join in as one of the young, non-overweight, non-snoring sleep apnea sufferers. I'm 27, 4'9", and 108ish pounds. I did my sleep study after I lost 30 pounds, so obviously weight didn't have anything to do with my numbers. I come in on the severe end, as well.
As far as I'm concerned, sleep apnea is like any other medical condition. There might be stereotypes of who it usually affects, but the reality is that it can affect anyone.

Plus, who all is going to be looking at you when you're asleep? Most people close their eyes when they sleep, you know. So who cares if you look silly...it'll help you out in the morning.

[SleepyNoMore]

Yup, sleep apnea hits people of all ages and sizes, it just isn't an over weight issue.
I am 5 ft. 2 & 1/2 in. and weight about 130 to 132 lbs., i'm a little on the chuncky side now as i've put on 4 to 6 pounds since being diagnosed in august of 2007, thanks to the popcorn and much ice cream, but you gotta love what you love
On a serious note, sounds like you have a wonderful hubby like mine, he is much more precious than gold, he told me for years that I had sleep apnea, even when I weighed 118 pounds and I didn't believe him so I finally got a sleep study in 8-2007 and it was confirmed but I might add that when I asked my physician for that sleep study "she looked at me and said, you certainley aren't fat", and NO I was skinney then and weighed in at 118 , it ticked me off that she was in a round about way incinuating that one heavy or fat people can have sleep apnea and that skinney people couldn't possibly have it but my sleep study proved to her that anyone can have this.
Thank "GOD" , I have the most wonderful, sweet, and precious Mother in this world, she supports me in whatever I do except when she knows that I might be making a mistake so she will forewarn me but she is so sweet and supportive, BTW, I hate to tell my age but I am 56 and my Mom is 74, I do wish you the Best of Luck ever and another BTW, I would never disrespect my Mom by telling her to @#!%$#@ off, that's messed up.
Just keep using your cpap machine, hang in there and overlook what Mom has to say, you have to stay strong for yourself to keep yourself healthy!
SNM

[snozzle]

I've suffered from Apnea most of my adult life.

When it began (looking back), I was 6'1" and 167 pounds and lived a very healthy lifestyle...plenty of exercise, even ran in a few marathons, eating right, yadda, yadda.

Didn't know what it was and was misdiagnosed several times.

I probably didn't need the rhinoseptoplasty.

It wasn't heartburn or acid reflux, though the symptoms appeared to be so.

It was only after a heart attack at 46 and a cardiologist who asked the right questions that the problem was correctly diagnosed.

Two guys I work with also have Apnea...one is 6'2" and maybe 170 and the other is 6' and about 190 and though I'm a few pounds heavier now that I'm older, none of us is obese.

Weight can be a factor but not always.

Who cares what you look like?

If your mate accepts it, that should be good enough...my wife and I both laugh about her strange tastes in bedmates...after all she's the one who sleeps with the Predator..not me.

Your mom will probably be grateful to have you around for more years than you can expect if you don't continue the therapy...it really is that important.