unsupportive family

Sounds like your mother needs to make others feel bad in order for her to feel good. You might tell her how her comments hurt you and if she doesn't cease and desist (which she probably won't) then avoid the subject as best you can. Since she's your mother, avoiding her entirely is probably not practical.

pfann447 wrote:Guess I am a little cranky. My mother has been giving me a hard time about how stupid CPAP looks. Apparently she gave my father a hard time, laughed at him, and told us all how dumb it looked. I wonder if that's why he couldn't tolerate the treatment? Also, she assumes sleep apnea = obesity, and if I lose weight the whole problem will vanish. She's overweight, too, and doesn't treat any of her various medical problems as the doctor suggests. She just keeps saying she'll lose weight and it will all go away.. but then she doesn't lose weight.

i wish she could be more supportive. This whole thing has been so difficult to accept -- and now I'm trying to adjust to a machine, and she keeps telling me how my father never did, and how hard it is, and suggesting that if I lost weight it would be moot.

I asked her if she thought my paternal grandfather might have had sleep apnea since he died of a heart attack in his sleep in his 50's, and she said, "Oh, no, he wasn't fat at all." ...maddening...

Thankfully my husband has been completely supportive. In fact, he was the one who noticed my apnea and insisted I go for the sleep study and get treatment. He goes around telling everyone that he "saved my life".

Have you tried ignoring your mom and just roll your eyes like this? ...

I once stopped talking to my mom for almost a year....all that did was make her complain about me to all my other relatives. Who, of course, took her side...because a good son would call his mom (long distance) every week even if she does all the talking and its all negative. Its pretty much the only reason I have a phone at home....international calling is cheaper this way. At least deregulation got rid of this calling at different times for different rates stuff. 'cause I also have to call when its convenient for her...not when its cheap. Was especially bad when she was in Saudi Arabia.... was about $2.50 a minute.

Worse now that she's discovered email..but doesn't use her own email account.

The Dreamer.

pfann,

I wouldn't be embarrassed about whining. The idea of a support forum is to help each other out with our problems.

Is your Mom harassing your brothers in the same way? If she is then I would say she is sabotaging 3 people's therapy. Perhaps the 3 of you need to pow-wow on the subject. Maybe they have some ideas how to handle this. I know it's hard to "just ignore her", after all she's your Mom, but you can let her destroy your health.

You know, I don't think my Mom really got what CPAP is about either, a least not until she yelled at my 10 daughter for waking me up when I fell asleep without my mask. She seemed to think that CPAP is just a comfort issue. My daughter's response was "Grandma, this isn't about letting Mama get some sleep, this is about making sure she can breathe while she sleeps" Yes, I get support from both my husband and children - including the 7 year old who tells people that "Mommy sleeps will a really cool elephant costume"

BTW, I believe your right about heredity. Both my sisters have apnea. We believe our Dad does too, but we can't convince him. "Oh if I have a bad night, I'm retired, I can just sleep in later". He's old enough to be "inflexible and unwilling" so I guess it's just the way it will be, but your mother isn't (early 50's right) - she needs to wake up.

Get a ball and a clicker. Put her on a stay then throw the ball but don't let her chase it until after she has heard the clicker. Each time she stays and doesn't chase the ball until after the clicker reward her with a piece of chicken or favorite chocolate treat. Do this for several weeks.
Then whenever she brings up the CPAP machine bring out the ball and the clicker for some fun. She will be much happier when she is chasing a ball and not and not trying to run your life.

Subtlety is the key here.

I'll do a little guessing and/or mind reading here, (since I have similar problems).

I'll bet she doesn't want you to succeed, since if you do, it would mean it was her fault that she didn't help your father in this. She would rather it would be impossible.

None of us are saints, but lately this kind of ignorance and indulgence has been really grating on me. I'm sure I irritate some of my loved ones as well, in some way in which I am ignorant.

I'm sorry it is difficult for both you and your mother. Thank goodness your husband is supportive (my wife is too).

Someone smarter than me once said that forgiveness is the lubricant that keeps the machinery we call "family" from grinding itself to bits. I worked the night shift for years and my mother could not get her mind around the concept that if I was at home during the day I was sleeping and she would wake me up if she called to chat about friends, church, bingo, family, etc. It may just be the same sort of thing, and time and patience may sort it out for you. Feel free to come here and vent, the whining lamp and the cranky lamp are always lit. I've posted about the cruelties of life with CPAP myself once or twice. Everyone does. I hope your mom comes around.

Alan

pfann447 wrote: .........
I asked her if she thought my paternal grandfather might have had sleep apnea since he died of a heart attack in his sleep in his 50's, and she said, "Oh, no, he wasn't fat at all." ...maddening...

.........

Plenty of doctors have the same attitude. My BMI is 23 and I had seven doctors who thought I was too skinny to have OSA.

Pineapple,
My mom is 82 and she lives with us. It's really hard to avoid her and to avoid a topic, but as I said, I have enlisted the help of the family. One thing about having her living here is that my family really does understand when I say she's doing something that bothers me -- before she lived here, they would tell me I was unreasonable and I should just get over it. Now that she's here they see how she pushes my buttons.

I share her care with my brother who lives 500+ miles away -- I have her for 3 months and then he has her for 2 months. She's going to him soon. I think I am just really tired of caring for her. It's hard to get a diagnosis like sleep apnea and then have to go over it and over it with an 82 year old who is maybe a little confused and certainly forgetful. She simply doesn't get how important it is to treat this appropriately. Also, she watches "The Biggest Loser" faithfully, and there must have been someone on that show who lost weight and was then able to stop using his CPAP. Obviously that proves the fat=apnea theory.

One nice thing about someone who is confused and forgetful -- they are easy to distract.

Pfann

pfann447 wrote:........ She simply doesn't get how important it is to treat this appropriately. ........

That gives her something in common with about 94% of the population.

Hmmm. I have heard my wife say the same thing about losing weight. Lose the weight and it(apnea) will go away. I have learned so much since I joined this forum. I have 5 more days until my PSG and I cant wait to finally getting something done about this. I just wish folks were better informed.

Sorry to hear about your mother.. I'm glad you're continuing your therapy and not worrying about what she has to say. In the end, you'll live longer, happier and healthier because of your "silly looking" equipment.

I'm just starting my CPAP journey and my family has been great. I was a little put off when my wife told my brother-in-law about it. He has a terrible tendency to pick on people, and I thought for sure I'd be the butt of jokes for years about it. He was down on the weekend after I got home from my 2nd sleep study, and he was actually extremely supportive and inquisitive about things. Sometimes the people in your life you think would be the most critical end up being the most supportive in the end.

It really sounds like your dear old mother isn't living in reality, and is getting her jollies out of kicking people when they're already down. I find the best course of action, when someone's opinion really doesn't matter, is to just smile politely and not respond. They'll be more frustrated with your lack of response than you'll ever make them by arguing!

Hope things go well..

Pfann,

I'm sorry I miscalculated your Mom's age. Yes she is at that inflexable point. I agree that you may also be suffering from the stress of caring for the elderly. My hat is off to you, I took care of my father-in-law for a week and was totally stessed out by the end of it. Until you've done it, I don't think you can really appreciate what someone like you is doing.

It's good that your brother can give you a break. Maybe by the time she gets back, she will forget you have the CPAP