Hubby doesn't get it.

[Guest]

Hubby's solution to my CPAP issues and frustrations is "just don't wear it then". He doesn't understand the consequences of that, apparently. He has his own set of issues (personality disorders) which I know plays into it, but who wants to hear essentially, "If you're uncomfortable, just hurry up and die" ? I've gotten to where I stay up very late and go to bed to SLEEP, do NOT touch me, stay on your side of the bed. It makes me angry that he doesn't understand and doesn't WANT to understand, just shrugs it off. Has anyone ever started counseling over a CPAP?

[Wulfman]

No, but "CPAPtalk forum addiction" counseling might be in order for some of us.

It might be interesting to ask him how he'd like to be suffocated once or twice a minute in HIS sleep. It's not been uncommon to read these types of posts over the years. Too many spouses/significant others/family members just don't seem to understand or want to......they're too self-centered.
I don't really have an answer for you, but you're definitely not alone.
Good luck.

Den

[mellabella]

I'm not married, but these kinds of posts make me sad!

I'm also not a marriage counselor, but here's some suggestions:
1) Bring your frustrations with your CPAP therapy here, since he isn't giving you the feedback you want...it's a great source of support (and keeping a sense of humor), and also for getting practical solutions along with the commiserating!
2) Print out some of the recent articles in the news about how NOT treating OSA raises mortality rates significantly
3) And....why not go to couples counseling over CPAP? If it's bringing up issues in your marriage (not feeling listened to or cared for, etc.), it doesn't seem that trivial to me.

[DreamDiver]

Hubby's solution to my CPAP issues and frustrations is "just don't wear it then". He doesn't understand the consequences of that, apparently. He has his own set of issues (personality disorders) which I know plays into it, but who wants to hear essentially, "If you're uncomfortable, just hurry up and die" ? I've gotten to where I stay up very late and go to bed to SLEEP, do NOT touch me, stay on your side of the bed. It makes me angry that he doesn't understand and doesn't WANT to understand, just shrugs it off. Has anyone ever started counseling over a CPAP?

Wow, that's rough. Here are a few thoughts to consider:

First, you're in a pretty rough spot right now for you, regardless of the interaction with hubby. Part of your reaction may be colored by your lack of sleep. Shadows seem longer, and bogeymen appear where they may not be. As you start moving out of the walking dead stage, you may find your perspective gaining more clarity.

Second, if your husband truly has a personality disorder, he may be entirely blind to what your needs are on an emotional level with regards to this specific issue. Having married him, I hope you have ways to communicate past his disability to make him understand these needs.

Third, your husband may be a totally under-educated about OSA. It might be worth talking about how important getting sleep therapy is on a health level for anyone with OSA and that if you don't get it, you might die.

A silent 'Do Not Touch' stance is probably not communicating what you mean to communicate. Silent punishment can only lead to misunderstanding and the growing vortex of mutual enmity. Verbal communication is a very important part of making yourself understood. Without laying blame or calling names, consider talking to him about your feelings.

I hope this helps.

[Snoredog]

I'm not married, but these kinds of posts make me sad!

I'm also not a marriage counselor, but here's some suggestions:
1) Bring your frustrations with your CPAP therapy here, since he isn't giving you the feedback you want...it's a great source of support (and keeping a sense of humor), and also for getting practical solutions along with the commiserating!
2) Print out some of the recent articles in the news about how NOT treating OSA raises mortality rates significantly
3) And....why not go to couples counseling over CPAP? If it's bringing up issues in your marriage (not feeling listened to or cared for, etc.), it doesn't seem that trivial to me.

I don't know about that, that may be risky, we may suggest something like she put a personal ad on craigslist, yahoo personals, adultfriendfinder... wait a minute I just let the cat out of the bag on Babs secret tricks.

[CorgiGirl]

Fortunately for me, my husband is also a hosehead, so he gets it. But we have been to counseling for other issues and I'd say that it can't hurt for you and your hubby to go see a counselor. Sometimes the counselor can say things to me or to my hubby in a way that works when one of us saying it to the other just doesn't fly.

From my experiences, I think one thing that might be happening is that your husband may be a "fix it guy." He wants and needs to be able to fix problems for you as an expression of his love. But he can't fix this, so he gets upset or angry. My husband is a fix it guy and has had to learn that sometimes I just need for him to listen to me, not fix anything.

Good luck. We're always here to listen and give you support.

[Chitownbabs]

Sorry to hear you are not getting the support you need. My significant other used to wear a CPAP until they lost about 200 lbs and now they don't have to. So when I had to get mine, I asked if they would love me less or not look at me with it and I was told no way. I know what it is like and I would not want you to die. Even when they had to wear the CPAP, I didn't have the problem with it. We lost a best friend in 2006 because of sleep apnea and for her not being treated for it. She either had a stroke or a massive heart attack and she could not be saved.

When we used to go away for the weekends, people would take turns watching her sleep (sitting up) so that when she stopped breathing we would wake her up. She refused to get tested for it as she did not have any health insurance. Then when she broke her toe and had to go to emergency the ER Doc told her she had sleep apnea just by looking at her and told her that it would kill her before a broken toe would. We all begged her to go to the Dr and get tested (she had the money and so did her parents - just stubborn) but she said she would go after her toe got better. She passed away about a month later a week before her 50th birthday. We ate her birthday cake on the day we buried her as we were planning a surprise 50th birthday party for her that day.

I have found out that support is great. Our grandson lives with us (he will be 3 in November) and he asked right away what it was and I let him try it on so he would not be afraid of it. So now when he comes into the bedroom and sees it on my face, he is not fearful of it. Education is the best tool there is. Maybe he just doesn't understand what it Sleep apnea is. Does he read? Get online? Maybe emailing him some links etc. that he can read in private might help him understand.

I saw that you said he has some personality disorders that might be making him like that. Does he see a therapist? If so, see if you could go with him on a few visits and talk it out with him and the therapist. I look at it like this: in order for you to stay alive, you need this equipment. Maybe it is just fear that is making like that. The unknown or even the thought that you might not be around could be causing fear and that is how he handles it.

Good luck and take care.

[DreamDiver]

Fortunately for me, my husband is also a hosehead, so he gets it. But we have been to counseling for other issues and I'd say that it can't hurt for you and your hubby to go see a counselor. Sometimes the counselor can say things to me or to my hubby in a way that works when one of us saying it to the other just doesn't fly.

From my experiences, I think one thing that might be happening is that your husband may be a "fix it guy." He wants and needs to be able to fix problems for you as an expression of his love. But he can't fix this, so he gets upset or angry. My husband is a fix it guy and has had to learn that sometimes I just need for him to listen to me, not fix anything.

Good luck. We're always here to listen and give you support.

True.

I'm a "fix it" guy. There are times when it's seems physically painful for me to just shut up and listen, but I do because her way of figuring things out is to verbalize. At most, I'll try to repeat back what she said to let her know I understand - or don't understand - what she's saying - but I rarely offer suggestions.

My way to work out problems is to build something that fixes them for me.

Counseling can be a good thing.

[Hawthorne]

Were you able to discuss things before you began cpap treatment? If not, the issue is not the cpap equipment.
It could also be that he is in denial. If he is aware of his own condition, he may well be frightened that you have a potentially life threatening conditon. He may be frightened that you could die. He may feel that if you both don't talk about it and you don't use the equipment, it isn't so!
I think couselling could help. You may want to see a counseller separately. He could, if he would, see the same counseller separately. There may come a time when you could meet together with the counseller. Maybe not. Maybe he will not discuss this with a counsellor. You should anyway, in my opinion!
You need some support right now as, I expect, adjusting to the equipment is not easy for you, especially without his support. It takes most people some time to adjust to this equipment and this could be making you frustrated with his lack of support or acknowledgement of the condition.
In my opinion, there may be two sides to this. A third, objective person might be of great help.

[DreamStalker]

Hmmm .... sounds like your hubby hasn't been whipped in a long while ... I think Babs has a few cures for that

Seriously though, you need to take care fo number one first (hopefully that is you and not him).

[roster]

........ He has his own set of issues (personality disorders) ......

Hubby may also have sleep apnea which can cause "issues".

[sleepingalone]

I am so lucky that I am married to a gal that does understand. We do sleep in seperate beds now so we can both get a good night's sleep. I was always keeping her awake with my 'noise' and movements during the night and as I was always trying to be so considerate I tried to stay awake until she fell asleep.
Please talk with your husband about sleeping in different beds so you both can get a good night's sleep. It has nothing to do with having sex (I know you did not mention that, but needs to be addressed) as that can happen whenever; we found it very exciting as we now get intimate in the spur of the moment.
I have had my cpap machine for almost a year now and am still having trouble getting used to using it. But with me in a bed alone, I don't feel like I am freaking anyone else out seeing me with it on or bothering my wife.
Good Luck!
Curt

[sleepycarol]

My oldest son has a personality disorder and it makes it extremely difficult for him to have empathy for other people. For many of us, it is hard to understand how a grown person can be so hurtful and mean. They simply do not see out of "the box" -- meaning other peoples views and needs. It isn't that he is a bad person -- just that he has his own medical issues that are there same as one with OSA. I am NOT indicating that he is right -- just that he can no more control it than we can control having sleep apnea.

It is extremely difficult for family members when a loved one has a personality disorder -- because the one with the disorder demands much attention and is often very self-righteous.

I suggest you seek counseling -- my son thought the counselors were quacks and often his visits were frustrating for the counselor and me. Yet the counseling helped me understand what was going on with him and helped me separate out my feelings and frustrations. If you hubby goes, fine, if not go alone. During your meetings you can vent your frustrations and learn how to deal with his disorder to make your live easier.

Do NOT let him intimidate you into quitting therapy -- if he is like my son he might try bullying you and make you think you are "manipulating" him when in reality he is doing the manipulating.

I am not a doctor, nor pretend to be one. This has been my experiences with my son so your experiences may be different. I wish you luck and keep up "hosing".

[gasp]

I see you've gotten a lot of good responses . . . so I'll just add:

Ideally it's nice to have support, a listening ear, someone who cares. You're in the right place for all those things. I wish you the best.

[marshaeb]

I agree with what everyone else has said... At the very least, please don't feel you need to go through this alone. There are a lot of good listeners here, and many good ideas, suggestions, etc. Please come here to chat whenever you want to. But there are times when going to a professional counselor is a good idea, and I also agree that you could really benefit from seeing a counselor. It would be wonderful if both of you would go, but if your husband won't, you still can on your own. If paying for counseling would be difficult/impossible, there are free programs available. I work for a state agency, can find information on free programs in other states and would gladly do that if you'd like. I know the program in Pennsylvania is excellent and totally confidential -- actually, ours is incredible -- and I'm sure other states have similar programs. If you (or anyone reading this) could use some help in finding free programs, just send me a PM.

I hope this next bit is totally unnecessary... I was raised to think that abuse meant being hit. It certainly does, but if someone tries to control you through emotional or verbal pressures, that's abuse, too. It took me a long time to learn that, and I learned it up close and personal, the hard way. A person doesn't need to be hit to feel unsafe. My concern is that there are certain personality disorders which involve violence, as well as emotional and verbal abuse. None of us is asking for any information that you don't want to talk about. (Of course, if you want to, we're here, either in this or another thread or through PMs.) We don't need to know any details, but if you haven't already done so, please ask yourself if you feel safe right now or if there have been times when you haven't felt safe. If you haven't felt safe, now or some other time, please do whatever it takes to get yourself somewhere where you do feel safe. DreamStalker was right on the mark when he said you need to take care of yourself first. Many of we women were taught that it's wrong to put ourselves first. That might be true when some of the toast is burnt (don't all wives/moms learn to LOVE burnt toast? ), but not when it comes to your emotional and physical health and safety. You need to be your highest priority in those areas.

That's a lot of heavy talk, and like I said, I really hope your troubles don't involve some form of abuse. I'd be delighted if all of that was a waste of words. But if they do, don't even stop to think about it. Reach out to someone you can trust right now. Any form of abuse that's not dealt with and/or treated only escalates.

Getting back to your original question, I don't know if anyone ever specifically went to a counselor for help with dealing with CPAP issues (I'll bet they have, though). But any kind of therapy has to have a "first" patient. So be a pioneer and be the first CPAP therapy patient (at least that you know about). I think it sounds like a great idea.

We are here for you in whatever way you need; talking, venting, commiserating, recommending a good counselor, knocking around ideas, telling jokes (some are particularly gifted in that area)...whatever. Please don't feel you're alone, because you aren't. We care about you, and we want you to continue with your CPAP therapy. You already know this...your health depends on it.

Marsha