spouse of CPAP user - very cranky if he is without

[cajapato]

Those last two posts were a little harsh. No, they were very harsh. She came here looking for advice on dealing with her husband. If you don't have OSA, you don't know what it's like. So, don't crucify her for not knowing. After all, she did find the forum and is asking the questions. She need guidance the same as the sufferer of OSA needs guidance. How about lightening up like the first posters did and help her understand.
Encouraging her husband with the phrase "starting by dumping your ass" is pathetic.
Tom

[Julie]

Oh now look everyone! Get a grip (SD). For heaven's sake. the woman has been 'fouled' by her husband because of his shortsightnedness (after 10 yrs on a mask) in having no backup, and just because he's cranky (at best, apparently) is not a reason to treat her even worse. She asked for answers because she's NOT a patient and cannot actually know what it's like to feel bad (for one whole day), medical risks notwithstanding. There's another post here about someone stranded overnight due to a storm, and everyone there is saying it's no biggie, one night won't kill her, etc. etc. (though I do understand the benefits of reassurance), well why can't you make the point that yes, he must feel bad, but then be a bit philosophical too, and not make her feel like a witch for being human? It's not her fault either that he has a problem, and saying some of the things you have, all things considered, seems awfully low to me.

[Guest]

Sorry didn't mean for my post to sound harsh. I genuinly believe that the spouse just doesn't understand CPAP and the negative effects not using it can have. The CPAP user shouldn't be grouchy with her for something that is not her fault but in turn maybe if she understood a little better then she could sympathize with her husband more. Sorry if I sounded mean. Didn't mean to.

[jskinner]

My big question here is... does every CPAP wearer just about go crazy if something happens to their mask/machine and they have to sleep without it for one night?

Short answer, Yes many do. Clearly you don't understand the physical pain that often results from untreated sleep apnea. The lack of oxygen and other affects has a clear affect on ones mood.

If you want to get an idea of how it feels from a sleep depreciation point of few get someone to poke you awake 55 times an hour all night long... think you will be in a good mood in the morning?

[SleepGuy]

Very few people--on CPAP or not--seem to understand what OXYGEN DESATURATION means to the body.

In a word, it means DEATH.

There is non stronger signal to the body than the lack of oxygen. You are dying. Panic hormones are released. If you don't get air soon you're going to DIE.

OSA is more than a sleep disorder. It's more than just having a hard time sleeping or getting relatively low quality sleep. It's primarily about what happens when you STOP breathing and your blood oxygen goes south. I see sleep disruption as a far secondary effect to the effects of desaturation.

[kteague]

Mrs. Spouse,

Certainly you could have used more tact and compassion. I would think after all these years Mr. Spouse has used CPAP that some education would have happened thru the years. I'm not sure if you came here looking for understanding of his reaction or hoping to find evidence to show him he was being a baby or overreacting. Either way, hopefully you better understand by the responses how very important this treatment is to the user.

As for Mr. Spouse, I can understand his aggravation with his concerns being trivialized, but in all fairness to Mrs. Spouse, his "belligerent and foul" behavior happened before his night of sleep deprivation (was it the anticipation?). Now, everyone's definition of belligerent and foul is different. Was he just grouchy or was he mean? I don't know. And I've been there where I felt so horrible it was hard to keep the nasty mood in check, even with my beloved grandchildren. But the bottom line is we are each responsible for how we communicate in our relationships. It sounds to me like this relationship's problems don't begin or end with CPAP, but it plays such a very big role in his life and hence in hers. This is the chance to come to an understanding on this issue.

Kathy

Disclaimer: I am not a marriage counselor nor have I had any formal training as such. However, being once widowed and twice divorced has given me a pretty good idea of what poor communication looks like.

[drummergirl410]

Trying to think of something significant to say, but everyone else has pretty much said it all. I will reiterate that going without cpap for even one night... even a few hours... can be a genuinely scary experience. I had oly been on cpap a couple of weeks when I had to go without it one night and I was so fearful of going to sleep. When I did, it took me forever to get to the pioint at which I was getting any benefit because I'd keep having apneas and they would make me become fully aroused time and time again, aware of the fact that I was loosing my breath in my sleep. It's very disconcerting to say the least. I'm sure your husband just let his frustration and anxiety get the better of him. We all do that sometimes. In this case, I believe his anxiety and frustration are justified. Sleep apnea is serious and it can have devastating effects, as a lot of others have already pointed out. While it isnt fun to be the brunt of such an experience, I bet that when the situation is rectified, he'll make things right again. In the meantime, you might want to suggest he sleep propped up or in a recliner. This will help because being upright lessens the chance that the airway collapses as you relax.

[JeffH]

Those last two posts were a little harsh. No, they were very harsh. She came here looking for advice on dealing with her husband. If you don't have OSA, you don't know what it's like. So, don't crucify her for not knowing. After all, she did find the forum and is asking the questions. She need guidance the same as the sufferer of OSA needs guidance. How about lightening up like the first posters did and help her understand.
Encouraging her husband with the phrase "starting by dumping your ass" is pathetic.
Tom

I stand by what I said.


JeffH

[Snoredog]

Those last two posts were a little harsh. No, they were very harsh. She came here looking for advice on dealing with her husband. If you don't have OSA, you don't know what it's like. So, don't crucify her for not knowing. After all, she did find the forum and is asking the questions. She need guidance the same as the sufferer of OSA needs guidance. How about lightening up like the first posters did and help her understand.
Encouraging her husband with the phrase "starting by dumping your ass" is pathetic.
Tom

I stand by what I said.


JeffH

same here, stand by my harsh post too, guys been on the hose for "10 years" and she still doesn't yet understand it!! some spouse she is!!

How much time does she need?

then she thinks cpap therapy is a "security blanket" for us OSA patients?

For all we know she stepped on his only mask and broke it and all he probably said was damn...

[roster]

CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): CPAP

I got an idea....

Why don't you stay up all night tonight and see how you feel tomorrow.

You are cold hearted and do not understand OSA a bit.

Jeff and Snoredog have you pegged correctly. If you call your kids brats, I hate to hear what you call your husband or see how you treat him.

[Bert_Mathews]

Those last two posts were a little harsh. No, they were very harsh. She came here looking for advice on dealing with her husband. If you don't have OSA, you don't know what it's like. So, don't crucify her for not knowing. After all, she did find the forum and is asking the questions. She need guidance the same as the sufferer of OSA needs guidance. How about lightening up like the first posters did and help her understand.
Encouraging her husband with the phrase "starting by dumping your ass" is pathetic.
Tom

I stand by what I said.


JeffH

same here, stand by my harsh post too, guys been on the hose for "10 years" and she still doesn't yet understand it!! some spouse she is!!

How much time does she need?

then she thinks cpap therapy is a "security blanket" for us OSA patients?

For all we know she stepped on his only mask and broke it and all he probably said was damn...

Maybe she agrees with "WaterBoarding" our Governments forced version of OSA
It might be partly his fault NOT informing her the importance of breathing!

BERT

[ozij]

I have to admit my first reaction was "buy him a spare mask". But then I began wondering how come after 10 years of therapy that he considers crucial Mr. Spouse doesn't have at least one spare mask.

I would expect a 10 year cpap veteran to have backup equipment.

I don't know how long Mrs. Spouse has been married to Mr. Spouse - but had she known him before cpap she would have had to be singularly obtuse to call the cpap a security blanket. Having watched her husband choke without it, she would have been more that happy for him to have a cpap. And you do say Mrs. Spouse, that you take the therapy seriously.

Well, Mrs. Spouse: The cpap is not a security blanket. It is essential medical equipment. Maybe his was at first uderstandable reaction that you didn't accept, and the whole thing escalated on both sides. If that were so I kind of doubt you would have come searched for info on a forum.

Howerver, the following is also true: Mrs. Spouse, you are married to a 10 year cpap veteran who never thought of making sure he had a backup for his essential equipment. I would call that breath taking (pardon the pun) lack of forethought.

My gut reaction was anger at your name calling. However, I (less than 3 years on cpap) have spare masks, and I am sure that neither JeffH nor snoredog, nor rooster nor anyone of the other responders have but one single mask they rely on. And that is the major issue.

Lack of cpap treatment does make people anxious and cranky as does anxiety. But Mr. Spouse has only himself to blame for having no backup. If a person doesn't have backup for essential medical equipment, he is behaving in an infantile way.

Bluntly put, Mrs. Spouse - if he hasn't made sure to have a backup, and this ended the way you describe, then you are both in big trouble that has nothing to do with the broken mask.

Ask yourself if you're sure you did nothing to provoke his behavior (and honestly, you don't have to reply to this). If you're sure you didn't, then maybe calling him Linus was your unconscious making you aware of how truly infantile a man you are married to - and it has nothing to do with cpap or sleep deprivation.

Which is why I think you would probably be better off dumping a 10 year veteran of cpap who doesn't have the minimal foresight to make sure he has a backup mask so he can breathe at night and get the oxygen he needs.

O.

[JeffH]

[quote="ozij"]I have to admit my first reaction was "buy him a spare mask". But then I began wondering how come after 10 years of therapy that he considers crucial Mr. Spouse doesn't have at least one spare mask.

I would expect a 10 year cpap veteran to have backup equipment.

I don't know how long Mrs. Spouse has been married to Mr. Spouse - but had she known him before cpap she would have had to be singularly obtuse to call the cpap a security blanket. Having watched her husband choke without it, she would have been more that happy for him to have a cpap. And you do say Mrs. Spouse, that you take the therapy seriously.

Well, Mrs. Spouse: The cpap is not a security blanket. It is essential medical equipment. Maybe his was at first uderstandable reaction that you didn't accept, and the whole thing escalated on both sides. If that were so I kind of doubt you would have come searched for info on a forum.

Howerver, the following is also true: Mrs. Spouse, you are married to a 10 year cpap veteran who never thought of making sure he had a backup for his essential equipment. I would call that breath taking (pardon the pun) lack of forethought.

My gut reaction was anger at your name calling. However, I (less than 3 years on cpap) have spare masks, and I am sure that neither JeffH nor snoredog, nor rooster nor anyone of the other responders have but one single mask they rely on. And that is the major issue.

Lack of cpap treatment does make people anxious and cranky as does anxiety. But Mr. Spouse has only himself to blame for having no backup. If a person doesn't have backup for essential medical equipment, he is behaving in an infantile way.

Bluntly put, Mrs. Spouse - if he hasn't made sure to have a backup, and this ended the way you describe, then you are both in big trouble that has nothing to do with the broken mask.

Ask yourself if you're sure you did nothing to provoke his behavior (and honestly, you don't have to reply to this). If you're sure you didn't, then maybe calling him Linus was your unconscious making you aware of how truly infantile a man you are married to - and it has nothing to do with cpap or sleep deprivation.

Which is why I think you would probably be better off dumping a 10 year veteran of cpap who doesn't have the minimal foresight to make sure he has a backup mask so he can breathe at night and get the oxygen he needs.

O.

[LavenderMist]

Harsh??? I think not! If he has been on CPAP for ten years and she hasn't taken the time or effort to find out about a disorder that can shorten her husband's life if not properly treated then shame on her. That says a LOT to me right there. She thinks a little grumpiness is a bother. Well, try having to feed him, change diapers etc 24/7 after he has had a stroke and can't care for himself or bury him because he has had a fatal heart attack or just plain stopped breathing in his sleep and never started again. Now that would be harsh, don't ya think? Get the man the backup equipment he needs so you won't be "inconvenienced" by his grumpiness.

[ozij]

[quote=JeffH]You would be wrong about the extra equipment in my case, ozij. For the first eight years I was on cpap I had only one machine and one mask. I don't have insurance and can't get insurance, so I babied what I did have. My machine was given to me by a friend that couldn't get used to it. I bought an Adams mask when I started this and only replaced it about 6 months ago. I worried on a daily basis about what I would do if anything broke down.

Thankfully, I found this forum about a year ago. I had no idea you could buy machines and supplies as cheap as cpap.com sells them. For Christmas last year, my GF bought me a new machine, so I have a back up now.

Just posting this to say that maybe this woman's husband doesn't know about how the cpap world has changed in 10 years...I sure didn't.


JeffH[/quote]

Point well taken, Jeff.

O.