spouse of CPAP user - very cranky if he is without

sharon1965 · Post by **sharon1965** » Sun Dec 16, 2007 2:39 pm

harsh or not, she obviously doesn't understand how serious OSA is... referring to his equipment as a security blanket is ignorant and belittling him and minimizing his fear (which jabberwock hit right on as the real reason for anger) by calling him linus was hardly loving...and i agree with rooster: when i read the original post i was surprised to see the user name "mytwobrats"...i can only hope she was referring to pets and not children

but to help you with perspective, "mytwobrats", i'll share my version of a similar experience: i just spent two weeks in utter panic because i broke my mask...i got up and ordered a new one from cpap.com at 3 a.m., and thought i could manage with one of the other two interfaces i have on hand while i awaited delivery, but i couldn't make them work (you can bet i'll have a spare of my favourite mask on hand from now on, and not try to rely on interfaces i have previously rejected!)...i spent more than a few nights sleeping upright in the armchair in my livingroom, because when i did try to sleep without my mask i could feel myself choking and i woke up in the midst of a panic attack every 20 minutes; i was also freaked out at the thought of dying in my sleep and being found by one of my children...whether this was an overreaction on my part is irrelevant, for me the fear was very real... ..the loving people in my life, family, friends and co-workers alike, showed me nothing but concern and compassion, asking every day if i had received my new interface and how i was doing; my fellow forum members showed me empathy and support, because they know how scary it can be to go without...my hubby, i know, would have sat up with me night after night if i had wanted him to (though he works midnights) and my best friend spent the night as many times as she could...

this is how you respond to someone you love when they are in crisis

roster · Post by **roster** » Sun Dec 16, 2007 4:18 pm

sharon1965 wrote:...and i agree with rooster: when i read the original post i was surprised to see the user name "mytwobrats"...i can only hope she was referring to pets and not children.......

Oh heck, maybe by"brat" she means:

kteague · Post by **kteague** » Sun Dec 16, 2007 6:07 pm

Mrs. Spouse,

From the time I pushed the SUBMIT button my gut (or conscience) has bothered me about my comments. I just want to offer a public apology for publicly intruding into areas beyond what you asked advice about. Your asking one question did not give me license to get all in your business. Should have listened to my gut before I hit the button.

Hope this situation is a milestone in a better understanding between you and your husband.

Kathy

annie123 · Post by **annie123** » Sun Dec 16, 2007 9:05 pm

Yes. I flip out if there is a power outage even close to bed time. I'm on the phone calling the electric company to find out when power will be restored. I can no longer fall asleep without the CPAP. I would also flip out if there was another reason I could not have th treatment that has made such a difference in my life.

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cajapato · Post by **cajapato** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:18 am

Ten years is a lot of time to pass and not understand each other. But, aren't we here to help whether is was 10 days or 10 years? Isn't the collective wisdom of all here available to everybody, whether we understand their relationship or not? I don't feel we can indict the marriage, their relationship or whether they have communication skills or not.
I would go so far as to say he needs backup if he reacts the way he does, though. Maybe he doesn't share anything, thus, keeping the wife uninformed. Again, we can't indict her. It sounds more like his lack of involvement in his own treatment.
Further, I've seen many posts where the CPAP user has defended their bad behavior with the "lack of sleep, tired, etc" defense due to OSA. Granted, we ARE tired and our mental acuity suffers, but I have never used it as a license to allow for bad behavior. We make the decision to be angry and mean. We can just as easily make the decision to remain silent.
To twist an old cliche, better to remain silent and be thought a mean old grouch than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I was going to stay away from this thread but I saw it grew to three pages. So, I peeked, just like passing an auto wreck. I couldn't help myself. Now, here I am typing away while hearing Jim Carey in the Mask, "somebody stop me".

As a footnote, I do have spares. I do have a wife that's actively involved in my treatment. If not for her I would never have sought treatment. When I get grouchy if I have had a bad night, I go to my cave. Not everybody can be near as lucky and blessed as I have been. So, I feel a moral obligation to be a little more empathetic.
(2,453 hours)

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my2bratts2407 · Post by **my2bratts2407** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:35 am

Hit a nerve, I'd say.

1.No, I'm not insensitive at all - actually go out of my way to ensure that he always has use of his CPAP including power inverters for trips away where there is no electricity.

2. Absolutely it is a HUGE health risk and YES, he has a high count and it bothers him and me immensely when we find ourselves in this position i.e. with a broken mask etc.

3. YES after 10 years we do understand each other very well and HE is his own worst enemy and WILL not replenish his supplies or keep fully functioning equipment so if he can't ensure that (he is a grown man) he really doesn't have much right to crank out on me or anyone else. If I am diabetic I would damn well be sure to NOT ever be without insulin - he should be responsible himself as well.

I riled some of you up, my apologies. This was not a question of insensitivity or other - I was just curious if this was the norm with other spouses or at least get the insight of other CPAP users. Thank you to those who provided me with great insight and answers - and for the rest of you that lashed out at my post and immediately assumed I didn't take this condition seriously or my husband's health & feelings into consideration - sorry about the raw nerve you all wear with respect to being a CPAP user.

my2bratts2407 · Post by **my2bratts2407** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:48 am

I just started reading through the posts b/c I hadn't read after page one. What a howler!!

I cannot wait until I share these posts with my husband. He and I will sit for a good hour laughing about this unbelievable reaction from most of you.

He'll be the first one to admit that he should be buying replacements etc. and he'll be the first one to tell you that he is loved and cared for thoroughly in this house... he and our two boys... aka MY2BRATTS.

Wow, sure glad he has the great sense of humour that he does b/c a good lot of you sure don't.

One question - is it the norm... created this collossal outpouring of opinions about me, my life, etc. Too funny!

Again, so very sorry that I riled some of you up. Should start charging entertainment tax. My goodness people...

And Snoredog - thanks! Your's was the BEST!

WillMack · Post by **WillMack** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 9:51 am

Thanks. I understand you better now. I was just getting ready to post a flamer that would put the other "harsh" ones to shame. Now I will just keep my damn mouth shut.

Have a good day,

WillMack

cajapato · Post by **cajapato** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:01 am

Suddenly I'm feeling less empathetic

my2bratts2407 · Post by **my2bratts2407** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:04 am

I would have enjoyed the Flamer Wilmack! It would have given us more to read.

Truly, our house is usually filled with laughter b/c my husband and I have great senses of humour which we have thankfully passed down to our kids.

We both can hear the odd jab from the other, even if we are cranky. And when I said we'll get some good laughs from this, I truly mean it! A cop for 25 years has given my beloved hubby the best laugh, dark humour and wonderful disposition (of course except with the mask breaks!)

It is unfortunate that the one thing I brought out in quite a few people here is anger - wonder if that is the norm as well with CPAP users and how pissed they get with non CPAP users. It would be an interesting study.

On another note, we both have dealt with his mother and her remarks about the machine ("so when are you not going to have to wear that thing?")so we do understand that many people do not understand how serious of a condition the machine treats.

JeffH · Post by **JeffH** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:11 am

[quote="my2bratts2407"]Hit a nerve, I'd say.

1.No, I'm not insensitive at all - actually go out of my way to ensure that he always has use of his CPAP including power inverters for trips away where there is no electricity.

2. Absolutely it is a HUGE health risk and YES, he has a high count and it bothers him and me immensely when we find ourselves in this position i.e. with a broken mask etc.

3. YES after 10 years we do understand each other very well and HE is his own worst enemy and WILL not replenish his supplies or keep fully functioning equipment so if he can't ensure that (he is a grown man) he really doesn't have much right to crank out on me or anyone else. If I am diabetic I would damn well be sure to NOT ever be without insulin - he should be responsible himself as well.

I riled some of you up, my apologies. This was not a question of insensitivity or other - I was just curious if this was the norm with other spouses or at least get the insight of other CPAP users. Thank you to those who provided me with great insight and answers - and for the rest of you that lashed out at my post and immediately assumed I didn't take this condition seriously or my husband's health & feelings into consideration - sorry about the raw nerve you all wear with respect to being a CPAP user.

Wulfman · Post by **Wulfman** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:15 am

Glad to see you came back to put things into perspective. Yeah, the "hoseheads" can be rather passionate about their therapy. I think part of it comes from what you just described about dealing with his mother. SOME people just don't know about or want to understand this condition.
I've seen some pretty lengthy threads develop when somebody comes onto one of the forums and proclaim how they HATE it or are going to quit, etc. That's when things really get UGLY.

Please have your husband read and join in the forum when he's got a chance.

Best wishes for happy holidays.

Den

DreamStalker · Post by **DreamStalker** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:22 am

I think our group has a great sense of humor and I also think Snoredog had the best suggestion ... really!

Sundown · Post by **Sundown** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:28 am

Hmm.

My2bratts:

Strange that you and your husband are sitting back chuckling.... this really annoys the hell out of me, actually.

I wonder if you smoke ciggies and if your husband would laugh at you if you were freaking out and panicking because you were "out".... would he call you Linus and make fun of your little "blankie?"

Sometimes grown men need support and encouragement.....I don't find the humor you do in this topic.

Wulfman · Post by **Wulfman** » Mon Dec 17, 2007 10:29 am

DreamStalker wrote:I think our group has a great sense of humor and I also think Snoredog had the best suggestion ... really!

On the other hand, maybe they're like my wife and me. We've been kidding each other for years that we're saving other people from being miserable.

Den

spouse of CPAP user - very cranky if he is without

Addendum to message to Mrs. Spouse

OUCH... sure hit a nerve!

LOL!!

Re: OUCH... sure hit a nerve!

Mask

Additional Comments: Equipment isn't correct, S9 ASV w/H5i