Help! I need help to get my husband to continue his treatmen

[mikemoran]

Just re-reading the thread and I saw something that may be contributing to the problem. You say you just got a king size air bed. While they do have individual controls they do feel different with two people in the bed versus just one. Basically they are two balloons side by side, and they do provide side pressure to each other. It is a noticable difference when my wife gets into bed.

It actually might be better if you didn't go to bed with him versus getting up in the middle of the night. Just a thought.

[Julie]

You say you don't 'bother' him, but he's obviously bothered, though should be more responsible about his treatment as the other poster said. I really can't believe he'll actually quit using the machine though if you leave the room, giving him a lousy fogged out day afterward, on top of everything, but I guess men can be boys! One way or another though, someone there should be talking to the DME or MD or whoever and arrange to get a machine that works - quietly! Plus a proper mask fitting session. It's probably easy for him to threated to quit if he's not benefitting anyway from the equipment. At the very outside, is there a family friend, relative, etc. whom he respects enough to listen to give him a pep talk, scolding, or ???

[Offerocker]

Im sure she knows we would all take another avenue to get better if we could. She has explained to us all the things that she has attempted, however what we dont know is has she ever stayed in the room with him throughout the night when he has worn his mask? I realize it can be upsetting to see a spouse that way after a while of not living with it, but has she tried to stay the night and just live with it? Maybe a few nights of just living with it she will feel differently.

I agree that spending a few full nights (possibly over the weekend) in bed with your husband wearing his cpap mask *may* be beneficial, and it is the only way you can truly self-examine what is going through your mind, and why. You must do this 'as if' HIS experiences are 'usual', or as they were before his treatment began. How else can you come to some sort of self-realization of what it is that is affecting you?

I wouldn't be so quick to discount the value of counseling. It could make all the difference in your ability to come to terms with your husband's plight.

Agree again, and with that 'self-realization' from the weekend of staying in bed all night, you will have the information, hopefully, to let a psychologist (for example) who is EXPERIENCED with Apnea better understand what you're trying to explain. You won't have as much time with that professional for discussion as you've had here, and you'll get one person's feedback. I do believe that YOU need to find out what it is that you find objectionable. I have to admit that I find it difficult to understand how his mask, etc. can be bothersome to you while he is asleep, and you are tired and sleepy. ( meaning, you should be sleeping also, and THERE). There is something in/on your mind that's keeping you from remaining in the same room with "that" (whatever it turns out to be).

I remember when I started my therapy. We do have twin beds because we each SLEEP better that way. (even without cpap equipment, neither of us would get the best sleep in the same bed - that's just the way it turned out). I remember that he watched me rather intently for possibly two weeks, while I blew my nose, put some Ayr gel to my nostrils, massaged my face (Thanks, RT), put in my mouthpiece (no, not b-flat) due to bruxism, THEN taped my mouth shut. Maybe he was waiting for that glorious moment, I don't know. But only then could I begin to put on the mask, pull my hair out of the path of the straps, adjust the mask to my face, then say a few choice words because I forgot to turn on the oxygen machine FIRST (in the hallway). He would get up & turn it on for me. Then I'd position the hose to where I wanted it over my pillow, turn on the cpap, plug in the feed for the oxygen, then finally lay down - and then fuss with the pillow/s and covers and possibly the hose again. I was worn out by then! Of course by now, it's no big deal and doesn't take but a couple minutes to get settled. I will admit that I did NOT like being 'watched' while doing all of those 'demeaning' things to myself. (I am tooo sensitive in that area - well, others also )
Thinking more on that 'ritual', it was probably good entertainment! And, knowing my husband, he was just waiting for me to do something 'out of order', or forget something - so he could tell me about it WHEN I WAS FINISHED!!! Hey, you gotta laugh at it all - when you can, and at other times, try to find those things that will give you a laugh.

I just now asked him what was going through his mind when he was watching me go through my 'ritual' all those nights (in the beginning )
His reply was simply :"It must have been important".
Yes, a man of few words! With some tooth-pulling, he added that I seemed determined to do whatever it took to 'make it work for me'.
Right on both counts.

So, wife, what he is doing is important; you know that.

You must realize that your actions speak as loudly as any words!

Can you imagine what is going through his mind and heart when he doesn't even get a satisfactory reason for your actions? He's going through enough already.

So you must find out those reasons for houw you feel, and tell him, and hopefully the three of you (YOU, your doctor, and your husband) can solve this mystery. In the meantime, be mindful of your actions - and his reactions.

There is a time in every married life when it's not about you.

That's not being mean, but realize it is a fact - you know, those vows will come back to haunt either/both of you .

Please do whatever it takes for you to come to terms with the reality of all this.
Let your husband know that it's NOT him, but something within you that you realize you need to discover and work at overcoming. His knowing this will be an asset to the current bump in your relationship. Make sure that bump doesn't get any bigger. You can do it, if determined. Gosh, see what we all have done with determination! And we don't even enjoy it! But we love life and want more of it, and enjoy the increased quality of life.

Good luck.

[nomad]

Would you ask your husband if he would feel comfortable posting here so he can tell his side of the story?

[Help!]

I am floored, and somewhat insulted. I am here because I do not think it is about me! I came here looking for suggestions to get him back to his therapy, because I DO feel it is important. I didnt ask him to stop his therapy, and if he insists on using me as an excuse not to continue his thereapy so be it. I will not take the responsibility of him not taking better care of himself. I have pushed him to get the diagnosis, the equipment, etc., only to find myself not able to handle it. That in of itself should not be enough to make him want to jeopardize his health. I am insulted, I did not come here to be judged by the people on this board. I searched the net and found this board, read it for quite some time before I even posted on it and found the people to be friendly, helpful, and wonderful, some of them judgemental. In an answer to your question, I did put this forum in his favorite places on his computer at work and suggested he start reading the forum to try and get some ideas for the treatment, hoping maybe it would get him reading about the treatment and start it up again. Hoping that he has just got on and read it even if he doesnt post or is not ready to post yet thats OK by me as long as he starts reading it to get back to the therapy is all that matters to me.

[nomad]

First and foremost, you shouldn't feel insulted. I know that I as well as most others here are giving their honest opinions on your situation from the information you have given. From what I understand, you get him to participate in a sleep study. He does it and is diagnosed with OSA. His doctor suggest he try an XPAP for his condition. He does. You then say you can't handle it for whatever reason... and it's still not totally clear to me as to why. You ask our opinions on what you should do... we tell you, and then you tell us you're insulted. Is that about right? If not, please correct me.

Basically this is what I see from your posts... you say one thing (you support him and his therapy) and do another (leave him alone at night because you can't handle the machine and his therapy). Like the old saying goes... "actions speak louder than words." I think the best way to show your support is to be there for him and try to work through the issues surrounding his treatment. If that means he needs to try a different machine or mask, then so be it (both of you go to the DME and try different equipment). Or if that means you need to somehow come to grips with his treatment and equipment, then so be it. I don't know if that means therapy for you or not. Perhaps others here who are more informed could help you with that. Maybe there are support groups in your area or perhaps his doctor could recommend some course of action. If his doctor has been doing this for any length of time, I'm sure you and your husband aren't the only couple he/ she has seen with this problem.

You're not a villain for how you feel. You're just trying to adjust to a new situation. Talking to those of us that have been there and done that, is a great first step. Listen to what those on this board have to say. You might not like what you hear, but it is the truth. We're not going to try and lie to you.

I think this is a very important discussion. There are others out there that are going through the exact same situation you are right now and you (and they) should feel free to discuss it.

But, as I mentioned in my previous post, I think it would be beneficial (to yourself as well as others) if your husband felt comfortable enough to discuss his feelings about the situation. I'm not saying what you're saying is wrong by any means. I just think it would help to see the other side of this predicament.

[krousseau]

I also feel that since we havent been or needed counseling up till now, I cant help but feel that his cpap treatment is the issue, not some underlying issue that I may need psychological counseling for. I have considered it, but have discounted it since it seems like this is really the only thing at issue here.

It doesn't need to be a marital issue-a third party might help to get at a resolution to this specific issue if the two of you have not resolved it.

[Offerocker]

Thank you Self, and all those others who are so very supportive out there. I do appreciate it. I am sorry I never came here and meant to get people angry at me or at each other.

You are perceiving anger that does not exist.
Please be more specific in this type of remark; it would help everyone.

........ I also feel that since we havent been or needed counseling up till now, I cant help but feel that his cpap treatment is the issue, not some underlying issue that I may need psychological counseling for.

Logic problems here. If the "cpap treatment were the (ONLY )issue", ...there would be none. Your husband seemed to be compliant UNTIL 'it' caused problems with your sleep. Therefore, If he was happy, and you became unhappy, then he became unhappy...it seems the
variable was your unhappiness. That's what seems to have changed.

...not some underlying issue that I may need psychological counseling for.

Why are you denying/refusing the possibility of being helped by counseling?
I don't think anyone said that you NEEDED it, but that it would HELP you. Counselors are just that: They COUNSEL; they do not sit in judgement - they're trained NOT to do that; as it causes alienation. Yoi ,may need to address your perception of these professionals, and not sound as if you are paranoid. I didn't say you were, I said you SOUNDED like it. If you're a lawyer, you should listen more to what's been said, and not read into something.. Counselors, phychologists are AIDS AND HELPERS for us to understand ourselves. I sense you have a fear of this profession, and that it would 'label you'. The healthiest people are those who seek help in understanding themselves. Wouldn't it be nice to find the answer to all of this?
You are defensive without reason. You accuse us of getting angry, at you and with each other. Not so;
But you are frustrating because you don't seem to want to DO what's previously been suggested. We're not professionals at the workings of the brain or body. We have a difficult enough time of it helping each other ,let alone trying to tread lightly in our responses to you.

I am at a loss for what you want and expect here. I don't wish to get frustrated by your unrealistic reactions.
ALL OF THE ABOVE IS PERSONAL OPINION. It is said with the intention to get your attention, and hopefully ask someone who is more able to help you. Reread previous posts in the light of day and see if you reach the same conclusions each time.

[Janelle]

If it truly is the noise, ask him if he hears the noise around the mask or thinks it is the machine. If he doesn't know, have him run his hand or fingers around the mask. If he feels a leak, he'll know it. His first reaction will be to tighten a strap, but sometimes that only makes leaks worse. Actually loosening a strap wil stop a leak. He might have to readjust several straps.

If the straps were adjusted by a DME person (Medical Equipment Supply) most of the people there haven't got a clue how to properly adjust a mask or even fit it properly as to size, nasal pillow size, depth, etc.

His mask could be too small or too large also.

If the noise is coming from the machine, what is the pressure? Some machines get louder when they are at high pressures.
Is the machine properly connected to the humidifier and not leaking there? Are all connections well seated in the hose and the mask.

If there are no leaks anywhere and the machine is relatively quiet, it may simply be a matter of getting used to the noise the machine DOES make, kind of like living near a railroad track. Eventually, you'll get used to the noise and won't even notice it.

If there are leaks let him hie you and himself off to wherever he got his mask and demand a better fitting one, at no extra cost. Actually, most insurance companies will let you get a new mask every 3-6 months. But if there are leaks in the mask, and he is not washing his face and the mask seals every day, the oils on his face or the oils on the mask might be preventing a good seal.

[mikemoran]

Help,

I am sorry you feel that way but can also understand how you got to the point of your last post. You came looking for assistance and you got a lot of reactions along with advice. I hope you will take everything in the context of who responds to this board.

The people answering you are very passionate about this therapy. We have to be in order to put up with it. Once prescribed we are left on our own to comply and reap the benefits of it. This is not a quick process, we struggle with it from the beginning. Dealing with less than informed professionals, some well meaning, others profit driven. To come home and strap something to our heads, bound to disrupt our sleep until we can learn to ignore it. Equally important, is how it disrupts our partners and their perception of us.

So what gets us through this is the belief that we absolutely need this. That our health will improve and things will be better for everyone around us as a result. The pay off is eventually we get back to life better than our pre-CPAP days. When we reach that point we believe even stronger in the therapy.

So just try and keep that in mind. A lot of our zealotry is born out of necessity. We can understand people walking away from this, but we know what they re giving up when they do. Please re-read the responses you received. There is quite a bit of practical advice amongst the emotions.

[ozij]

I am here because I do not think it is about me!

Before we start: I don't think you're going to enjoy reading this post, "Help!". But I think you should read it anyway, because I am trying to help, thought not in the way you want.

Ok, let's see:

*I came here looking for suggestions to get him back to his therapy, because I DO feel it is important.
*I didnt ask him to stop his therapy, and if he insists on using me as an excuse not to continue his thereapy so be it.
*I will not take the responsibility of him not taking better care of himself.
*I have pushed him to get the diagnosis, the equipment, etc., only to find myself not able to handle it.
*That in of itself should not be enough to make him want to jeopardize his health.
*I am insulted, I did not come here to be judged by the people on this board.
*I searched the net and found this board, read it for quite some time before I even posted on it and found the people to be friendly, helpful, and wonderful, some of them judgemental. In an answer to your question,
*I did put this forum in his favorite places on his computer at work and suggested he start reading the forum to try and get some ideas for the treatment, hoping maybe it would get him reading about the treatment and start it up again. Hoping that he has just got on and read it even if he doesnt post or is not ready to post yet thats OK by me as long as he starts reading it to get back to the therapy is all that matters to me.

"Help!",
You're insulted because what you wanted are suggestion to get your husband to continue therapy, without you having to sleep in the room any more, because your sleep is important. And here we are, telling you that for most of us, that doesn't make much sense, and none of us can tell you how to achieve that goal.

And yet, I think the name you chose indicates that you actually are desperate for help in what is happening to your husband and yourself

And, it seems to me that what is happening is that your husband and yourself are turning this therapy into a power struggle - and I would hazard the guess that this is not the first power struggle you two are into. As you said, you pushed him to get the diagnosis. In other words, this didn't start when the machine entered the bedroom.

OK, at this point, he won't use the machine if you are not in the room with him, you won't sleep in the room with him if he uses the machine,

What comes next? "and if he insists on using me as an excuse not to continue his thereapy so be it." Meaning from now on you two no longer share the bedroom, and he also doesn't get the cpap therapy and you live happily ever after?
Or, does this come next "I will not take the responsibility of him not taking better care of himself" Meaning he doesn't use the machine, and you return to the bedroom and you live happily ever after, and in 20 30 40 years you'll be saying I told you so, and he'll be saying you should have slept in the bedroom?

It's not about you, although you seem to feel the need for help more than he does (apparently). It's about the two of you, in a relationship that is being rocked to its foundation supposedly by a machine your husband has to use to make sure he's healthy.

Except that machines don't really rock relationships. Human emotions, human power struggles do. The two of you are on a head to head collision course, heading as fast as you can to a lose/lose situation.

Which is why the two of you need counseling desperately.


O.

[Datona]

It's not the noise. It's the hospital feeling.

He feels you don't support him and the cpap stuff turns you off. And it does, admit it.

You need to show him your support. Show him he is still a man because by now, he's not convinced you know that.

You slept next to him snoring and gagging. That is the hardest thing in he world to sleep next to.

[Jen22]

Ouch! Where's the support here? (I think the snoring and gasping is much more distracting than a CPAP machine!) The one my husband uses is very, very quiet (Respironics) --I hardly notice it. And with earplugs, I know I wouldn't hear it at all. If I left the bed each night my husband used the CPAP, I KNOW he would stop the treatment... or divorce me!

[TXKajun]

Warning, like ozij's post, this is gonna be "uncomfortable" for some folks to read.

I have just spent the last hour or so re-reading this entire post and trying to separate fact from feeling, thoughts from ideas, what is being said and what is NOT being said.

Me, NOT being a psychologist, counselor, physician, mind-reader or anything of that type, just being a kind of common-sense sorta hose-head guy, I don't really think that anything we are likely to say or recommend here is going to help either HELP! or her husband (her mysteriously-absent-from-this-thread-husband, I might point out).

The folks here on the forum have offered at least 8 different suggestions, hints and ideas to try and help and each and every one has been met with "Oh, I've already tried that and it doesn't work, poor little me" or "No, I will not try that because that's not what the problem is, oh poor little me." and, along with rejecting every one of our suggestions, HELP! is now feeling "hurt, angry and insulted" by our responses. (I can't help but STILL wonder why her hubby isn't here requesting help or at least reading these responses???)

It seems like the only thing she's after and will be happy with is all of us saying "Awwww, poor little HELP!. Your husband is so selfish and mean and controlling. He should only consider your feelings and not have any worries, needs, wants, desires or fears of his own. What an incredible wifey you are because you made him go have the sleep test and you made him get the equipment and now you're trying to make him use it and now he is being a complete oaf, bounder and beast by complaining when you leave your bed to try and get your oh-so-well-deserved rest and how selfish of him to only think of himself." Well, HELP!, as you have seen, that ain't gonna happen here.

So, IMHO, anything we say here is going to be met with determined resistance from HELP!, if not total, outright rejection by her and any continuation of this thread is a futile waste of all of our time.

Each and every one of us here have struggled (or we are struggling) in one way or another with our OSA, its symptoms, diagnosis and XPAP therapy. Our wives, partners, children and loved ones are all in this struggle together WITH us, whether they want to be or not. Thanks God for the wonderful folks on this forum and thank you johnny for sponsoring it!

Yes, OSA truly does affect all of those in the household. Some of us (and our spouses, family and loved ones) deal with it better than others. That's part of why this wonderful forum is here and is such a great aid to so many. Unfortunately, some folks aren't able to deal with OSA and the fallout from it and our wonderful forum doesn't seem to be able to help these folks at all. That's the way it goes sometimes though, pure and simple.

So, I wish you good luck, HELP! and figure your nickname here pretty much says it all.

Written in a spirit or caring and of tough love,
Kajun

This therapy WORKS!!! But it takes the whole village.

[Offerocker]

My Friends - I wondered about this even before my 2nd (of 3?) post...

Why are we wasting out time with this person?!!
I think she's making it up as she goes along.
If she's not wiling to read and listen SO BE IT.

There are more imprant issues we need to discuss, rather than try to get this horse to drink the waters of our efforts. EFFORT IS A TWO-WAY STREET.

I'm going to look for a more well-deserving newbie who WANTS to learn something.

Do I appear Cold?
I don't care; most of you know better than to assume that anyway.

Now we know why some people go to Drs. for 20 years with no change for the better.

This has turned into more of an argument than a help session.