I have to say - if I were married to someone I cared about as deeply as you and your husband seem to care for one another, I would be deeply hurt if he not only left every night, but couldn't understand why that bothered me.
Seriously, it's important that you figure out what's going on. The machine should definitely not be loud enough to wake you, or to keep you awake (if it is THAT loud, there might be a leak between the machine and the hose, or there might be another problem with the machine - but that doesn't seem to be the issue).
When you're waking up, what are you thinking about? Be honest with yourself... does it bother or scare you that your husband now has to wear this device? If so, that's okay - that happens to a lot of partners. Seeing someone you love have to wear this reminds you of their mortality and humanity - and that can be very hard to deal with. But it's never going to get any better if you keep leaving and avoiding the issue. Just as he has to get used to sleeping with it, you need to as well. It is keeping him alive, and because of it, he will be able to continue loving you for many more years than he would otherwise. If you require counseling to be able to adjust to that, maybe that's something you should look into.
It's hard figuring out if what is bothering us is physical or mental sometimes - try getting some GOOD earplugs first - better than what you have. You should NOT be able to hear his machine through them.
If you can't hear it and are still waking up, that will rule out the sound of the machine, and you'll know something else is up.
Good luck, and PLEASE don't let your husband give up on his treatment.
Help! I need help to get my husband to continue his treatmen
Everybody reacts differently to the sleeping arrangements caused by this therapy. I know that when my wife isn't in the bed I am always on edge and do not sleep well. Luckily for me she likes the quieter sleeping with the CPAP. The snoring started to really disrupt her sleep, and that panic she would feel everytime I stopped breathing really was getting to her.
But my situation is not yours or your husband's. The disruption of you not being there may be as detrimental to his rest as his apnea. There are alternative's to CPAP, they just haven't proven as effective. Depending on the severity of his disorder some may work. You both need to discuss these with his Doctor.
Unfortunately a lot more people abandon therapy than stay on it. Many with very flimsy reasons. If he feels so strongly about this, it really is up to him to decide to follow his protocol.
Maybe he should stay off it for a while so you both can assess the situation. You might find that his snoring and non-breathing will bother you more than the machine. Maybe he will find that how he feels without therapy is worse than not having you in bed with him at night.
Truly we all want it to be just the way we used to sleep before our diagnosis, but until technology comes up with something new we are doing the best we can. It will be a struggle but you will reach a balance that works best for both of you. You both have the key ingredient for success in whatever therapy you pursue, you both care for each other.
But my situation is not yours or your husband's. The disruption of you not being there may be as detrimental to his rest as his apnea. There are alternative's to CPAP, they just haven't proven as effective. Depending on the severity of his disorder some may work. You both need to discuss these with his Doctor.
Unfortunately a lot more people abandon therapy than stay on it. Many with very flimsy reasons. If he feels so strongly about this, it really is up to him to decide to follow his protocol.
Maybe he should stay off it for a while so you both can assess the situation. You might find that his snoring and non-breathing will bother you more than the machine. Maybe he will find that how he feels without therapy is worse than not having you in bed with him at night.
Truly we all want it to be just the way we used to sleep before our diagnosis, but until technology comes up with something new we are doing the best we can. It will be a struggle but you will reach a balance that works best for both of you. You both have the key ingredient for success in whatever therapy you pursue, you both care for each other.
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SelfSeeker
- Posts: 779
- Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2006 6:25 pm
Guest,
I was giving the pain or naussa as examples of couples not sharing a bed.
This wife has not said no to her husband's treatment, she quietly leaves the room for a few hours to get some rest. What is wrong with that. Can no one see that the husband is controling and selfish and using blackmall. When is he growing to wake up and realize the world does not revolve around him.
I do not think I know of one real couple who has not spent time away from each other during the night for various reasons such as:
Who ever is in the hospitals at night
firefighters
EMTs
People on business
Shift workers
For the life of me, I can not understand what this man's problem is. I am sorry. Sleep is important to every one, and this wife is not saying no to the treatments, is not kicking her husband out of bed, is not refusing to sleep with him. She is leaving in the early hours when she wakes up. What if she had an early shift like radio persenalities that start at 5or 5:30 they get out of bed early.
So much of our population is like that.
Her husband should think of his wife. Does he love her, does he care about her. Why does it have to be about him, and his needs. Get a stuffed animal if all he wants is somehthing next to him. What about a rested wife that can do her job and not kill herself and maybe someone else on the way home because she is tired and gets into a car accident. Or makes mistakes at work or can not function as a wife because she is tired. If anybody, someone with OSA should understand the importance of sleep.
Many hugs to you wife.
What if her job changed or the shift or what ever, would he give up CPAP then, or tell her to quit. See this for what it is.
I wonder what Dr. Phil will say:
How is this working for you. (to the husband if he stoped treatment)
Get over it to the husband.
Who ever wants to stop treatment or not comply is up to them. But do not push the blame to someone else. This wife is her husbands escape goat.
I was giving the pain or naussa as examples of couples not sharing a bed.
This wife has not said no to her husband's treatment, she quietly leaves the room for a few hours to get some rest. What is wrong with that. Can no one see that the husband is controling and selfish and using blackmall. When is he growing to wake up and realize the world does not revolve around him.
I do not think I know of one real couple who has not spent time away from each other during the night for various reasons such as:
Who ever is in the hospitals at night
firefighters
EMTs
People on business
Shift workers
For the life of me, I can not understand what this man's problem is. I am sorry. Sleep is important to every one, and this wife is not saying no to the treatments, is not kicking her husband out of bed, is not refusing to sleep with him. She is leaving in the early hours when she wakes up. What if she had an early shift like radio persenalities that start at 5or 5:30 they get out of bed early.
So much of our population is like that.
Her husband should think of his wife. Does he love her, does he care about her. Why does it have to be about him, and his needs. Get a stuffed animal if all he wants is somehthing next to him. What about a rested wife that can do her job and not kill herself and maybe someone else on the way home because she is tired and gets into a car accident. Or makes mistakes at work or can not function as a wife because she is tired. If anybody, someone with OSA should understand the importance of sleep.
Many hugs to you wife.
What if her job changed or the shift or what ever, would he give up CPAP then, or tell her to quit. See this for what it is.
I wonder what Dr. Phil will say:
How is this working for you. (to the husband if he stoped treatment)
Get over it to the husband.
Who ever wants to stop treatment or not comply is up to them. But do not push the blame to someone else. This wife is her husbands escape goat.
Anonymous wrote:If that's what it is (not the noise) then I think there's a chance you'll eventually get used to it. Don't give up on the idea that it's possible to get past this.Anonymous wrote:So are you saying you think you might be waking up because you are freaked out by the fact that you are laying next to your husband while he's wearing a mask hooked up to a machine? It's not the sound, it's the sight of him?
That's a good way to think of it. It is a lot easier getting used to seeing him sleeping with the mask than it would be to get used to being a widow or a caregiver for the rest of your life!WORN_OUT@44 wrote:If we could not come up with a way for her to stay in the bed with me CPAP would be out, even though she may become a widow much sooner or maybe a 24 hr care nurse after my stroke. I do not want her sleeping on the couch.
Good point, SelfSeeker, but it doesn't seem that is the case here. It sounds like it's a psychological aversion and that's something that can be worked on. I'd recommend seeing a therapist for suggestions on how to deal with it. It can't hurt and it might help. Hang in there!SelfSeeker wrote:What if one of you was very sick and any motion of the partner brought extra pain or naussa
Last edited by SelfSeeker on Tue Sep 26, 2006 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I can do this, I will do this.
My disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever worked in the health care field Just my personal opinions.
My disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever worked in the health care field Just my personal opinions.
No I can't. Why so hostile towards this guy? Blackmail, "realize the world does not revolve around him..." seriously? Now that you mention it, perhaps I can use my CPAP set up to manipulate my wife somehow... hmmm...SelfSeeker wrote:Can no one see that the husband is controling and selfish and using blackmall. When is he growing to wake up and realize the world does not revolve around him.
_________________
| Mask: Mirage Quattro™ Full Face CPAP Mask with Headgear |
| Humidifier: HC150 Heated Humidifier With Hose, 2 Chambers and Stand |
| Additional Comments: Pressure 11cm H2o; humidifier - it depends |
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SelfSeeker
- Posts: 779
- Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2006 6:25 pm
Nomad,
the way I see it:
This husband is telling the wife, if you do not stay in the bed all night I will not use the CPAP. Which translates to: if you do not stay here, I will get sick and it will be your fault for wanting a good nights sleep.
(Like the other poster who said, if his wife did that he will have a stroke.)
What would call what he is saying to her?
emotional blackmail
being maniputlive
trying to control where she sleeps
Or a caring loving husband who wants the best for her.
The wife is not telling the husband to not use the CPAP, to leave their bedroom, she is not leaving at the beginning of the night. She is trying to stay and when she wakes up during the night, quietly goes somewhere to fall asleep before having to get up to go to work.
I am sitting here, and I still can not think of one couple that I know, who has not spent time away from their marital bed, for the various reasons I mentioned before. Maybe, that is why I cannot understand the thing about the wife having to be in the bed all night long.
Like I said maybe some one can explain the man's reasoning to me. I think it has to do more with him and his CPAP treatment then the wife, going to another bed to sleep for a few hours in the early hours of the morning.
the way I see it:
This husband is telling the wife, if you do not stay in the bed all night I will not use the CPAP. Which translates to: if you do not stay here, I will get sick and it will be your fault for wanting a good nights sleep.
(Like the other poster who said, if his wife did that he will have a stroke.)
What would call what he is saying to her?
emotional blackmail
being maniputlive
trying to control where she sleeps
Or a caring loving husband who wants the best for her.
The wife is not telling the husband to not use the CPAP, to leave their bedroom, she is not leaving at the beginning of the night. She is trying to stay and when she wakes up during the night, quietly goes somewhere to fall asleep before having to get up to go to work.
I am sitting here, and I still can not think of one couple that I know, who has not spent time away from their marital bed, for the various reasons I mentioned before. Maybe, that is why I cannot understand the thing about the wife having to be in the bed all night long.
Like I said maybe some one can explain the man's reasoning to me. I think it has to do more with him and his CPAP treatment then the wife, going to another bed to sleep for a few hours in the early hours of the morning.
No I can't. Why so hostile towards this guy? Blackmail, "realize the world does not revolve around him..." seriously? Now that you mention it, perhaps I can use my CPAP set up to manipulate my wife somehow... hmmm...nomad wrote:SelfSeeker wrote:Can no one see that the husband is controling and selfish and using blackmall. When is he growing to wake up and realize the world does not revolve around him.
I can do this, I will do this.
My disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever worked in the health care field Just my personal opinions.
My disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever worked in the health care field Just my personal opinions.
Thank you Self, and all those others who are so very supportive out there. I do appreciate it. I am sorry I never came here and meant to get people angry at me or at each other. I was surfing the net and found this forum. After much research I decided to ask for suggestions and help. I have read this forum for a few weeks and feel that the people of this board are going through this and would be much information to me. Nomad he seems to have the same equipment exactly as you show in your profile. I also feel that since we havent been or needed counseling up till now, I cant help but feel that his cpap treatment is the issue, not some underlying issue that I may need psychological counseling for. I have considered it, but have discounted it since it seems like this is really the only thing at issue here. I do highly regard all of your opinions they do show me support and that I am not alone dealing with this.
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SelfSeeker
- Posts: 779
- Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2006 6:25 pm
Help, I hope you and your husband can figure something out.
Even though one partner goes on a CPAP, both are affected by it. Every one is different on how they deal with it, and every one has to come to some comfortable level.
Please feel free to post. I hope our discussions do not chase you away.
Actually this topic has stayed in my thoughts all day. Yikes.
I know of one couple (not me) that the man did not like seeing the wife hooked up, her response it is either this or a sick wife, get over it. Took a while for him.
I do not have my APAP yet, so I do not know what the long term problems would be. I am already missing the cuddles and I am not even connected. My husband is a very sound sleeper. When I did the the titration study, the noise did not phase him. He did not even hear the machine. Me, I wore earplugs and could not stand it. That would be a major thing for me to over come.
Please feel free to post. I hope our discussions do not chase you away.
Actually this topic has stayed in my thoughts all day. Yikes.
When my husband comes home from work, I would like him to read this topic and give me his take on it, as the non CPAP user.
[quote="Help!"]Thank you Self, and all those others who are so very supportive out there. I do appreciate it. I am sorry I never came here and meant to get people angry at me or at each other. I was surfing the net and found this forum. After much research I decided to ask for suggestions and help. I have read this forum for a few weeks and feel that the people of this board are going through this and would be much information to me. Nomad he seems to have the same equipment exactly as you show in your profile. I also feel that since we havent been or needed counseling up till now, I cant help but feel that his cpap treatment is the issue, not some underlying issue that I may need psychological counseling for. I have considered it, but have discounted it since it seems like this is really the only thing at issue here. I do highly regard all of your opinions they do show me support and that I am not alone dealing with this.
Even though one partner goes on a CPAP, both are affected by it. Every one is different on how they deal with it, and every one has to come to some comfortable level.
Please feel free to post. I hope our discussions do not chase you away.
Actually this topic has stayed in my thoughts all day. Yikes.
I know of one couple (not me) that the man did not like seeing the wife hooked up, her response it is either this or a sick wife, get over it. Took a while for him.
I do not have my APAP yet, so I do not know what the long term problems would be. I am already missing the cuddles and I am not even connected. My husband is a very sound sleeper. When I did the the titration study, the noise did not phase him. He did not even hear the machine. Me, I wore earplugs and could not stand it. That would be a major thing for me to over come.
Please feel free to post. I hope our discussions do not chase you away.
Actually this topic has stayed in my thoughts all day. Yikes.
When my husband comes home from work, I would like him to read this topic and give me his take on it, as the non CPAP user.
[quote="Help!"]Thank you Self, and all those others who are so very supportive out there. I do appreciate it. I am sorry I never came here and meant to get people angry at me or at each other. I was surfing the net and found this forum. After much research I decided to ask for suggestions and help. I have read this forum for a few weeks and feel that the people of this board are going through this and would be much information to me. Nomad he seems to have the same equipment exactly as you show in your profile. I also feel that since we havent been or needed counseling up till now, I cant help but feel that his cpap treatment is the issue, not some underlying issue that I may need psychological counseling for. I have considered it, but have discounted it since it seems like this is really the only thing at issue here. I do highly regard all of your opinions they do show me support and that I am not alone dealing with this.
I can do this, I will do this.
My disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever worked in the health care field Just my personal opinions.
My disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, nor have I ever worked in the health care field Just my personal opinions.
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Offerocker
- Posts: 1109
- Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 5:08 pm
- Location: ...I forget...
GUEST:
This is a reply to your question from your first post, and my interpretation of just that post:
From that, it sounded as if he feels guilty for your feeling the need to sleep on the sofa.
Personally, I do not understand the NEED to SLEEP together in the same bed, no matter how large or expensive is the bed. My husband has his habits during sleep, and I have mine, outside of cpap. I toss a lot. He is like a furnace, and will 'pound' an arm on the mattress at night. Not good makings for good sleep for either of us. After a few years of this, we purchased separate beds, and have never SLEPT better. Sure, there IS the loss of snuggling at night and in the morning, and I miss that. But, he gets up during the night, and rises anytime between 0330 and 0430. I get up at the last minute, or whenever I awaken.
This was a mutual agreement to a problem that bothered both of us and affected our rest and sleep. No guilt.
If you are "tired of sleeping on the couch/sofa", then you both need to talk about sensible solutions that meet both your needs without sacrifice or guilt. There are so many other options. I'm sure that there would be less stress when you BOTH are well-rested.
Don't forget to NOT be defensive during your discussions; each other's views, feelings and rections are very real. Usually, if one person remains calm, the other will also, because of the atmosphere of trust and understanding.
I don't remember reading anything about him having snored. If he did,. je ,ist re;oze jpw ,icj btter je os mw. amd upi a;sp/ did that distract and bother you?
One thing I could suggest: Have YOU put his mask on and breathed lying down using the cpap machine? Whatever you hear under those conditions may 'desensitize you somewhat when you're on the 'other side' - just a thought.
Good luck, and remember to always discuss fairly and with empathy; remind him if he isn't doing same.
This is a reply to your question from your first post, and my interpretation of just that post:
From that, it sounded as if he feels guilty for your feeling the need to sleep on the sofa.
Personally, I do not understand the NEED to SLEEP together in the same bed, no matter how large or expensive is the bed. My husband has his habits during sleep, and I have mine, outside of cpap. I toss a lot. He is like a furnace, and will 'pound' an arm on the mattress at night. Not good makings for good sleep for either of us. After a few years of this, we purchased separate beds, and have never SLEPT better. Sure, there IS the loss of snuggling at night and in the morning, and I miss that. But, he gets up during the night, and rises anytime between 0330 and 0430. I get up at the last minute, or whenever I awaken.
This was a mutual agreement to a problem that bothered both of us and affected our rest and sleep. No guilt.
If you are "tired of sleeping on the couch/sofa", then you both need to talk about sensible solutions that meet both your needs without sacrifice or guilt. There are so many other options. I'm sure that there would be less stress when you BOTH are well-rested.
Don't forget to NOT be defensive during your discussions; each other's views, feelings and rections are very real. Usually, if one person remains calm, the other will also, because of the atmosphere of trust and understanding.
I don't remember reading anything about him having snored. If he did,. je ,ist re;oze jpw ,icj btter je os mw. amd upi a;sp/ did that distract and bother you?
One thing I could suggest: Have YOU put his mask on and breathed lying down using the cpap machine? Whatever you hear under those conditions may 'desensitize you somewhat when you're on the 'other side' - just a thought.
Good luck, and remember to always discuss fairly and with empathy; remind him if he isn't doing same.
_________________
| Humidifier: HC150 Heated Humidifier With Hose, 2 Chambers and Stand |
| Additional Comments: Comfort Sleeve |
Respironics Auto C-Flex, HC-150, Activa, CL2 Simple Cushion, ComfortSleeve, Saline Snorter.
Which is worst the snoring / respiratory events or the sound of the machine ? Support is important for your your husband - hanging with him and maybe even help him get set-up. Then hang out for a while and watch -as your husband experiences true sleep. If you need to leave after he falls asleep - so be it. But the intimacy of helping him and being with him will keep your relationship growing.
_________________
| Mask | |
 |
The sound and look of the machine I believe is a large part of the problem. He is a snorer. I am supporting him, by being here when he isnt attempting to figure out another way. For all ofus to be happy or at least for him to continue his therapy. I dont need to lay and watch him, I need sleep as much as he does. I have also attempted to do the mask thing on the face, and just couldnt. I tried that too, attempting to try to get his point of view off of it. As I explained, we are intimate when we are laying in bed as soon as we get there, i.e., we talk, chat, laugh. Its when he rolls over and puts his mask on is when I get up and leave the room. I am supporting him as best I know how.
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SelfSeeker
- Posts: 779
- Joined: Tue Sep 19, 2006 6:25 pm
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Guest
It does seem obvious the cpap treatment is the issue. Therapy could help you with this. I don't think anyone is saying you have a bunch of psychological problems or need marriage counseling. The suggestion is you seek counseling for yourself to learn how to deal with and accept seeing your husband in his mask as he lays sleeping next to you every night. You aren't the first person to experience this aversion, and you won't be the last. If you want to remain in this marriage for the long haul, it makes sense to try every possible avenue to help you learn to deal with the strong feelings you have when you look at him.Help! wrote: I also feel that since we havent been or needed counseling up till now, I cant help but feel that his cpap treatment is the issue, not some underlying issue that I may need psychological counseling for. I have considered it, but have discounted it since it seems like this is really the only thing at issue here.
I wouldn't be so quick to discount the value of counseling. It could make all the difference in your ability to come to terms with your husband's plight.
Believe me, if there was an alternative that worked, none of us would choose to be hooked up every night.
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Guest
Im sure she knows we would all take another avenue to get better if we could. She has explained to us all the things that she has attempted, however what we dont know is has she ever stayed in the room with him throughout the night when he has worn his mask? I realize it can be upsetting to see a spouse that way after a while of not living with it, but has she tried to stay the night and just live with it? Maybe a few nights of just living with it she will feel differently.