spouses

northernlights · Post by **northernlights** » Fri Sep 15, 2006 9:26 am

Hi everyone:

Just to relate my experience the last 4 months on CPAP and my wife's reaction. She couldn't have been more supportive of me with the treatment.The last 8 months have been pretty much a nightmare for us as she has been diagnosed with breast cancer, gone for surgery, had chemo and radiation. But I have to say, with the CPAP I haven't been keeping her up at night with my snoring and breathing stoppages. She's been sleeping way better (something very important for her successful recovery) and my mood and energy since treatment have helped me cope way better. We've always maintained our sense of humour thru both our issues, and I think that this is one essential ingredient to a successful marriage (we just celebrated our 26th anniversary!). Sure we look a little weird with our masks on (my daughter pasted a picture of me with it on, on her dorm-room door!) but don't we feel a hell of a lot better. By the way, my daughter suggested to me this morning that we should put out a CPAP calender with selected pictures of us with our apparati on (clothing optional!)
We might have a big seller on our hands - HA! at least in the CPAP community!! BTW, my wife is having other breast removed on Monday as a precaution, but we're still managing to smile thru it all, if our treatments mean than we'll have a long life together.

Cheers,

Steve.

kteague · Post by **kteague** » Fri Sep 15, 2006 9:35 am

Spouse,
Time and reflection can do wonders to help us understand ourselves better. It's hard to effectively deal with something when we can't even identify exactly what it is we're dealing with (and the unknown is usually quite formidable). So far your emotions have been released as anger as it was the only one identifiable. Sounds like you've moved beyond that and are dealing with some core feelings. May this be the beginning of you sorting out how you need to handle this upheaval in you and your spouse's life, based on your knowledge of your relationship. Yes, lots of the word "you" in that sentence. Others are valuable in watching our blind sides, but only you can decide in the big picture how much sway you are going to give this thing over your marriage. I fully expect that in a couple months you'll be dropping in here just to see if there are any spouse related posts, and you'll reply with a few lines about "how I got over". Your words will be both compassionate and frank, with truths only a non-cpap spouse knows. Maybe it won't go that way, but it would be a shame to waste such hard-fought experience. Best wishes.
Kathy

krousseau · Post by **krousseau** » Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:57 am

Are the children old enough to care for themselves with Dad's supervision-or can you have them visit a relative for a few days so you can have a well earned get-away. If you are close to the ocean-it is a great place to listen to the waves-walk on the beach-and reflect on what you have in your life that you want to keep.
Maybe when you get back you could talk Husband into a weekend away-I don't know how men do with reflective weekends-if that isn't on his agenda-how a couple ballgames. Just a couple nights out of "his" side of the bed for a nonthreatening reason.
Anyway it sounds like you have a few ideas. I hope something works. And I do hope he will at least be convinced that his machine and mask need to have a routine checkup with the RT from the DME he got the machine from in the first place. Now that I think about it they may be able to make an insurance billable visit to the home to check everything out-if they are JCAHO certified they should make a home visit for this type of problem. It is the only way to get to the root of the noise. The Rt comes in has him set up the machine put on his mask turn on the system and find out if anything is wrong. In case nothing is wrong-do it when you can be ready to laugh and accept the inevitable "I told you so".
Best wishes to both of you and don't be a stranger-come back and let other spouses know the real scoop on being a CPAPer's spouse. Mine might join in after I knocked over three things in the dark last night going to bed, "Turn on the damn light you'll make a lot less noise."

Spouse you have said several times you didn't have to defend yourself. And you did get a lot to defend yourself from. The thing that says the most about the strength of your effort to get through this-is that you are here this morning. The act of showing up says more that you could ever say in words.

newly diagnosed · Post by **newly diagnosed** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 9:57 am

I have been reading this thread and its quite interesting. I am having the same problem. I am newly diagnosed with this condition. My wife hates it and I feel extrememly uncomfortable wearing it in front of her. I dont wear it often to keep her happy. She has never said I cant use it I just know how she feels. We are newly married 2 years. I noticed this thread seem to be interested a lot in the marriage itself. We have no problems in the marriage itself.

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 10:07 am

newly diagnosed wrote:I have been reading this thread and its quite interesting. I am having the same problem. I am newly diagnosed with this condition. My wife hates it and I feel extrememly uncomfortable wearing it in front of her. I dont wear it often to keep her happy. She has never said I cant use it I just know how she feels. We are newly married 2 years. I noticed this thread seem to be interested a lot in the marriage itself. We have no problems in the marriage itself.

Don't feel bad. I was married 24 years when I was diagnosed and still felt a bit uncomfortable wearing the mask in front of my husband at first. And he was present for the delivery of our three kids, yet I still felt funny about this. He's even seen me WITHOUT MAKEUP!!! So go figure. What I did was, I put it on immediately when I got home from the DME and called my three kids and my husband into the room to kind of get it over with, let them have their laughs and comments, and laughed along with them. Helped really get it out into the open right away. Then it just took a bit longer for the real nightly embarrassment to finally wear off. He's just so happy I use it and feel so much healthier, and that's all that matters to a spouse who cares - eventually. That, plus NO MORE SNORING to contend with.

You'll get used to it and so will she. Sometimes new things take time to feel comfortable, even something that just transforms even an ugly duckling into a swan . These masks do wonders for our appearance.

Offerocker · Post by **Offerocker** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 1:51 pm

Sleepless on LI wrote: What I did was, I put it on immediately when I got home from the DME and called my three kids and my husband into the room to kind of get it over with, let them have their laughs and comments, and laughed along with them. Helped really get it out into the open right away.

Lori, you also taught your children a valuable lesson that will stay with them for life! Sounds like you and hubby are pretty smart parents.
Thanks for adding to the success of the next generation!

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 2:22 pm

Offerocker wrote:
Sleepless on LI wrote: What I did was, I put it on immediately when I got home from the DME and called my three kids and my husband into the room to kind of get it over with, let them have their laughs and comments, and laughed along with them. Helped really get it out into the open right away.
Lori, you also taught your children a valuable lesson that will stay with them for life! Sounds like you and hubby are pretty smart parents.
Thanks for adding to the success of the next generation!

Offerocker · Post by **Offerocker** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 2:55 pm

Lori: I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Glad I could provide a "Happy" post for a change, especially a well-deserved one.
I've been getting tired of playing '"devil's advocate" lately, ha ha.

You already realize that children ARE capable of understanding quite a bit!
...and this 'understanding' builds the ability/trait of empathy, something lacking today.

In another ten years I may know enough to be able to raise children the way I think they deserve.
Ohmygosh - I'm too old for that already!

krousseau · Post by **krousseau** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 3:54 pm

By the time we learn what we need to know to raise kids we're too old to have them. Maybe we ought to let the young ones reproduce and let the old ones raise them..... never mind that was a baaad idea.

Offerocker · Post by **Offerocker** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 7:10 pm

It's only a baaaaaaad idea because you've changed your mind!!!

Actually, it is true, IMHO!! THEY can give birth, but we have the life experiences - but maybe not the energy, eh?

Also, it would afford us the opportunity to HAVE FUN while we're young - that old saying: "youth is wasted on the young" ...Now I understand it, ha ha.
Or is is: "Too soon old, too late schmart"?

I didn't have any children, so will miss not being able to have and spoil grandchildren. Oh, someone wants to give me theirs? Hmmmmm Just forward them to my forwarding address, OK?

justsharon · Post by **justsharon** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 7:22 pm

I guess I'm really lucky, my husband has worn ear plugs to bed for the past 8 years. When I brought the machine home we both looked at it and I tried it on. Then I had him try it on, the pressure freaked him out, We've both done a lot of reading about OSA and he understands how dangerous it is and what sleeping without the CPAP is doing to me. He wants me to be healthier and he just kisses me goodnight around it. He also LOVES the fact that I don't snore anymore. He doesn't have to wear the ear plugs anymore. Lucky aren't I?

Sharon

whatrdreamsmadeof · Post by **whatrdreamsmadeof** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 8:22 pm

where has tolerance gone...........enough already!

Offerocker · Post by **Offerocker** » Sat Sep 16, 2006 8:47 pm

justsharon
Another example of good communication, and what sharing of the experience can do!

Spouse · Post by **Spouse** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 4:02 pm

After a quiet weekend of reflection, I laid in bed last night and watched him. He doesnt wear his equipment, because he knows how uncomforting to me it is. I cant help but wonder how much this is hurting him, physically. or how much it will hurt us together in bed. While I realize he is doing a disservice to himself not wearing his equipment, I fear he is trying not to "rock the boat" here at home. He wished this on me, and then maybe I would understand. He is trying to talk the dr. into sending me for a sleep test (because of the accidents) so that I would have this too. I am going through a lot here with the guilt of the whole thing, and all the other emotions that it brings up. It was the guilt that brought me here, and you people have been more than supportive. For me no easy answer, I have told him about this wonderful website, one can only hope he reads it and gets as much out of it as I have.

birdshell · Post by **birdshell** » Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:22 pm

Good for you, Spouse. It always seems to help to let the emotional reaction dissipate. Then the logical thinking kicks in.

It sounds as if you are now considering all options. You have really been through a lot, and I (for one) am proud for you. That is an accomplishment. Not everyone will do so! Keep on keeping on.

Maybe your DH (dear hubby) has a point about the accidents. While xPAP is not the only treatment/solution, maybe there is something causing them that should be recognized and treated.
__________________

I would like to share a family anecdote: My very active grandmother had a stroke at age 87. She had to quit driving and bowling. (Golfing had gone several years before when high water flooded the local golf course.)

She had some paralysis, aphasia, and had to either be in a nursing home or have home healthcare workers. She stayed home, kept working on her movement and her speech, and within a year was again living alone independently. (But not driving or bowling--I think my brother still has that 16 lb. ball she used to throw.)

Her attitude paid off, and here is a demonstration: There was no TV remote then, and she was trying to learn to turn the dial. We kept showing her, and she was trying something different. Once when corrected, she brushed my hand away, looked at me with shining eyes and said, "You don't know what it sees!" I took this to mean that it was all different to her inside her head, and that difference was SO INTERESTING! She was actually enjoying retraining her brain.

If only I will have a part of that attitude, then I can face anything.
________________________

Best of luck and attitude to you! Keep us posted on your progress!

spouses

Lots of emotions

Way to Go!