spouses

Wulfman · Post by **Wulfman** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 3:06 pm

Spouse wrote:Your right Krousseau, the last thing I would have expected was for this to bother me this much. As I have said previous, I was the one who made the appointments for him, I was the one who pushed him to do this. Now, it seems I am the one paying for it. I have to leave the room. I have to leave my bed. Still, I am willing to do it. A little agrily I have to admit but still willing to do it. He gets mad, says I am distrupting his sleep leaving the room. I was in traffic the other day, at a red light, and fell asleep behind the wheel waiting for the traffic to move. Its not just a one sided thing. You are lucky you husband sleeps through everything. I wish I could. Even when I am tired, I am stressed out sleeping in another room over the whole thing.

Maybe you can become a "two-hosehead" family.

Den

Wulfman · Post by **Wulfman** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 3:18 pm

Anonymous wrote:How do you have over a thousand posts on this forum, anything else going in your lives?

I just wanted some advice on acne, and people are forming a political party over it.

Find a hobby.

salmon

Not much because of the effects of OSA has had on my health.

Try Clearasil. (and maybe a change of diet)

Got plenty of hobbies....haven't been able to spend much time at them....for LOTS of reasons.....including the effects of OSA.

Den

krousseau · Post by **krousseau** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 3:35 pm

Sleeping in separate rooms is one option-hopefully a joint decision. My partner and I often do end up in different rooms or at least one on the couch and one in bed since we have a one room house right now. Our problem is that we are each afraid of keeping the other awake. We are building a "sleeping cottage" to solve the problem.
Hopefully you and your husband can solve the noise problem-if not then some agreement on sleeping arrangements. Maybe during the work week you will be in another room-and together on weekends. Keep him working on solving the problem.

Moogy · Post by **Moogy** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 3:47 pm

I try to keep a light-weight fuzzy lap blanket nearby. When I am afraid the exhaust air will blow on my hubby, I toss the blanket into a position where it will block the flow. Also, I rig my hose so the air exhausts upward instead of directly out in front of my face. The exhaust ports vary on different masks, so that might not be an option for your husband.

Hang in there. Eventually you will find a solution that works for you.

Moogy

Spouse · Post by **Spouse** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 3:49 pm

I appreciate all of your suggestions, however my husband unfortunately is quite adverse to any changes. His answer is like the earlier poster, I just need to get over it. I cant. He is insulted that I am having such a hard time with it.

Missy · Post by **Missy** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 3:50 pm

I have read all of these comments, and I can't help but feel that this subject has really struck a nerve for me. I was so excited to finally get help with my sleep problem. I got the machine home, and it hit me like a ton of bricks!! I looked at the whole situation, and talked to my husband about it, and we mutually decided that I would sleep in the other room. Not because he didn't want me (mask and all) but I felt that it would be the right thing to do because of the adjustment period and waking up all of the time, the noise, the need to turn the light on, etc. There is (I feel) a certain sense of loss and mourning that hits you when you realize that sleep (or lack thereof) as you knew it is never going to be the same. It took me a while to work through these feelings, and to remember that my husband loves me no matter what. I'm wondering, Spouse, if you are dealing with this. You have to know that the cpap therapy is a two-way street. Both of you are dealing with something you have no control over, except to try to accept it, deal with it and move on. I'm looking forward to the time when I finally move back to my room with my husband. And I will, when I'm ready. I hope it's soon. Patience is truly a virtue-I know that much to be true.

Dawn

krousseau · Post by **krousseau** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 4:08 pm

Is he willing to read all these posts? No attempt at discussing them. Just read and mull it over. Its starting to sound like he ia afraid to sleep alone and can't admit it. And frankly once I knew I had OSA it was a comfort to have someone there beside me at night-just in case. I still feel much more vulnerable than before my diagnosis.

Spouse · Post by **Spouse** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 4:15 pm

he thinks that I am making to much out of it. He needs to turn the light on whenhe comes in, all that stuff. Its all very overwhelming, and I an just getting fed up. Its almost like its all about him. He would never read all about this stuff, he thinks I am making to much out of it. Even though our relationship is defined by how much time we spend in the bedroom. We both have jobs with long hours, so he may come home around 10-11 pm, so I may already be in bed. When he gets there, the light has to go on, etc., then the noise starts, and if I was asleep now I am awake. Then we are both up around 730 am. My job as a PO with the city I live in dictates that I be aware at all times. Its becoming almost impossible. I have considered taking a leave just to try to get used to it or something.

Snoozing Gonzo · Post by **Snoozing Gonzo** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 4:43 pm

PRe-Cpapa, my wife often left the room because of my wall shaking snoring. She also felt like she was sleeping with one ear out for when she had to "kick start" me after 10 or 15 seconds of not breathing. So, after a break-in period of getting used to new sounds which included acceptance her spouse's medical condition (actually not hearing the snoring would get me a few kicks night just from habit) she is sleeping better than before.

A couple of years ago my wife had rotator cuff surgery and had to sleep with her arm on a pillow for some time. She found this also kept me from turning her way and snoring into her ear or face so the pillow got a little bigger and permanent. I got used to sleeping on one side and sometimes on my back. If I do turn her way I got a face full of pillow and, more recently, something to move my mask so I'd move back. In addition, my CPAP is on the floor so noises are in the background at best... at least for us.

Upon prescribing CPAP my sleep Dr. also had me pick up a few 5mg valium. He said I may have to split them with my wife for a day or two. We didn't but its not a bad idea if some of your sleeplessness has evolved into being emotion-based. The o-t-c Sleepytime Extra Tea has a little valarium root in it for a light dose of natural valium.

Finally, your husband's sleep clinic, doctor, a nearby university program, yoga center, etc. may have some deep relaxation techniques or tips on learning to sleep with noises. During a job that required living in a trailer next to oil drilling rigs I had to learn to shut out certain, but not all, loud noises. It can be done but you can't be too tired to try making the effort harder.

Good luck

Chris

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 5:29 pm

Spouse,

Sleep is sleep; and for whatever reason you're not getting yours, it is a real problem. I, too, am a very easily aroused sleeper, I think due to having three babies in my lifetime and being trained in those days to listen for anything my kids may have needed during the night. I know if I had air blowing on me or noise that I couldn't deal with, I'd be going out of my mind. I do sympathize with you.

This probably won't be the solution, but can you fall asleep with the sleep timer set on your television IF you have a TV in your bedroom? That way you get used to some noise while drifting off and it will drown out any of the noises you may be hearing from the machine or mask. As for the air from the exhaust ports, maybe he can use a mask that projects the air up, like an Aura does, rather than at the bed partner?

Hope you find some suggestions helpful in this thread and start to get back to your rested self soon. Give it some time, too. Eventually, you will probably just get used to it, although every night of interrupted sleep can feel like an eternity. All of us on this site know that all too well.

Good luck.

whatrdreamsmadeof · Post by **whatrdreamsmadeof** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 5:51 pm

Keep trying, you guys can work this out, i thought having to wear a somi cervical brace that goes from the top of your head to your pelvis was the hardest thing my husband and i would have to deal with, but this cpap stuff is harder.........hang in there i have faith in you..........ellen

tater pie · Post by **tater pie** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 5:53 pm

Well, if he's is adverse to any changes at all and you just can't possibly get used to the noise, etc., somebody is gonna have to move where they sleep at. It sounds to me like there is a lot more going on than just adjusting to cpap. You said he resents your not being able to adjust to cpap and you resent losing sleep and all of the adjustments you would have to make. You might see a marriage couselor. One way or the other, somebody or both of you are gonna have to give. I wonder if Dr. Phil has ever had a program about this?

bdp522 · Post by **bdp522** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 6:21 pm

I ALWAYS go to bed after my husband. In the beginning I would leave my mask in the bathroom and put it on in there so the light wouldn't wake him. Then I would go to bed and just hook onto the hose. Now of course it is second nature to put the mask on and takes 2 seconds in the dark! My husband is a very light sleeper, I could sleep through a bomb going off. If I have to get up and out early I even put my clothes in another room so the light doesn't bother him. Maybe your husband could try this.

Brenda

birdshell · Post by **birdshell** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 7:29 pm

Oh, Spouse! I am so, so sorry that your first few responses were so negative. That must have been very discouraging. I apologize for the forum; it is rare that a thread starts out so negatively.

I am not married, but have been a teacher for 31+ years. It sounds as if some conflict resolution might be in order. Does the PO mean "police officer"? If so, then you surely know a lot about dealing with defensive people.

I think this also implies that YOU and HUBBY are both too close to the situation. As many have said, you have EVERY right to be upset about making this change in your lives. And, here you encouraged hubby to get the testing and now the treatment phase comes. Here you were, probably thinking that everything would be better. How disappointing to find that now YOU cannot sleep. This was supposed to make your life together BETTER, not WORSE.

Maybe this is how you feel, maybe not. I would not presume to really tell you that, but no one so far has said anything from this point of view. It just seems as if I would feel this way in your situation.

Because you are both so emotionally involved, it seems to me that you need to find someone who can help you with that. Only you can decide what to do and whom to ask for help. Maybe there is a friend, or maybe someone professional?

Maybe a problem-solving approach would be best--for example, you may want to separately list all of the pros and cons of the treatment. Once you have done that, perhaps something will pop out at you as a solution. If not, maybe brainstorming (remember that is throwing out EVERY solution without judgement--evaluate later), followed by ranking the solutions to each problem and then discussing what would be best for both of you.

It might even be worth both of you taking a day off to accomplish this. When you are both sleep deprived, upset, driving dangerously, etc. it would certainly be worthwhile! That is another reason to have someone outside the situation help you out. Tired, temperamental, and testy--well, let someone else help you to deal with the dear hubby.
__________________________________________________________________

Quick story about being too close emotionally: A first grade teacher-friend was suddenly widowed. Her 3-yr old wouldn't sleep in her own bed, only on the floor near mom's bed. Same 3-year old would suddenly vomit, no medical reason found. Mom took daughter to a psychiatrist, who set up a behavior chart and let the kid pick a reward out of a toy catalog. He also gave her some appropriate medications. It was magical.

We all laughed, because Mom said, "I set up these behavior charts every day for my students. But I pay a psychiatrist to have him set up a chart for her to earn a $3 pair of plastic pom-pons!"

Sometimes we are just too close and emotionally involved to get to the crux of the situation.
_______________________________________________________________________

Spouse, please take heart. I'm sure a lot of us will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers, so that is all to the good. Hang in there, and please keep us posted on your progress!

Offerocker · Post by **Offerocker** » Wed Sep 13, 2006 7:39 pm

whatrdreamsmadeof wrote:Keep trying, you guys can work this out, i thought having to wear a somi cervical brace that goes from the top of your head to your pelvis was the hardest thing my husband and i would have to deal with, but this cpap stuff is harder.........hang in there i have faith in you..........ellen

Sounds like my ol' body cast after spinal surgery! 8+ months of feeling like something between Frankenstein or a turtle. You're right, this is worse - maybe because it is permanent? Oh, the stories I bet we could tell - pretty funny ones too, eh? Like missing the sink the first time you get to brush your teeth, because YOU CAN'T BEND OVER!! what a surprise that was. those darn, little things - "Activities of Daily Living". The sense of humor sure came in handy. sorry to get off topic, but, ah, the memories (choke!)

spouses

keep trying

Spousal Problem

Re: keep trying