spouses

[Spouse]

Of course I am angry. Not at my husband, just at the situation. Its feelings, we all have em, and shouldnt have to defend upon them. I have been judged enough, here and other places. Of course I am trying to be supportive. He loves the mask and machine, he says it makes him sleep better and for that I am glad, however, it is completely disrupting my life. Calling the bedroom mine is just a habit. I owned the house before we got married, and it does creep in there sometimes.

[tater pie]

Take a chill pill girl. You came here asking for suggestions. Granted, some of the posts were a bit rough but no matter what anybody said, you rejected the suggestion with "I've already tried that, it won't work!" It's been said earlier, I don't think you really want a "fix" for the cpap problems. You want justification to kick the guy out. It there was a magic pill that would make all of the cpap inconveniences go away, that wouldn't work for you either. If you don't get some good couseling, you'll get "your house" all back to yourself again. And yes, I did see your post about you owning the house before you were together. I seriously doubt it was a "slip" about "my bedroom". If this is all it takes to push you two apart, it's best to do it now, before kids come into the picture because life can and will get a whole lot tougher. I hope you stay young and beautiful all your life and never have anything that will change your appearance and lifestyle because you certainly don't have any patience with a partner that does have to make changes and he seems about as self-centered as you.

[Spouse]

Im truly sorry you feel that way. I did come here for help with this situation as I apparently am not dealing with it well. Its easy to say get over it, harder to do sometimes when you yourself feel its unsurmountable. I have tried many of the recommendations posted on this board. I didnt just come here without having attempted other things first. The tech at the sleep center told my husband about this because he called her and told her I was having such a hard time with it. She suggested to write here and see if I could get some suggestions.

[Wulfman]

I owned the house before we got married, and it does creep in there sometimes.

I was wondering about that......

As you've probably determined by now, being a non-user and looking for sympathy (or whatever) amongst a bunch of CPAP users is a tough sell. None of us are really thrilled about the condition we have and would love for our lives to get back to our early years before this crept in......but it ain't gonna happen and we just have to deal with it as best we can. Some of us DO sleep apart from our spouses because we don't want to disturb THEIR sleep. There are actually multi-hose families here, too.
There seems to be an epidemic of sleep disorders that have recently been discovered in the last few years....and while we know we're not alone in this, there is a certain sense of "loneliness" in the early stages of our therapy. AND, hopefully that will not last. BUT, we need those who are closest to us to try to understand what we're going through.....not sympathy......just some tolerance. Yes, it does need to go both ways (CPAPers and spouses).

Now that I've gotten that off my chest.....

I didn't understand, for sure, if you meant that you've ordered your husband out of the bedroom or out of the house. Which was it?

Also, what specific equipment does he use? Some of it CAN be more noisy than others. Maybe there's another model of machine that's quieter than the one he has.

Best wishes and I hope things work out for you.

Den

[krousseau]

Spouse---I replied to your PM did you get my answer? Not sure-my mail is acting funny-so I'll reply here.

You are right-you do not have to defend yourself. Why do you keep doing it? Here is what happens to me when I'm defending myself-I can’t hear what the other person is saying-I’m too busy thinking of what I going to say to defend myself. I posted some observations meant to help you see the what you were presenting-I will not judge you or your husband-or the choices you make. Only you know what has brought you and your husband to this point.

Anger is OK. And it doesn’t just have to be anger about the situation-why not get angry at someone bungling around turning on lights and making noise when you are trying to sleep. Anger can give the impetus to do something about a situation. AND we are 100% responsible for the actions we take when angry-throw a frying pan, fix up another room for your husband or yourself, or what ever your choice is. AND the person who made you angry is 100% responsible for whatever they did that made you angry-no blaming it on CPAP or lack of sleep.

Right or wrong-who knows. Not me. You have to decide what is right for you. Just make the decision when you are not sleep deprived and boiling mad. And make it based on the experiences you have had together-not just the CPAP part.

This is hard because we are only getting one side of the issue-frankly I don't think I'm up to more than one side. In my ongoing effort to stay in balance I will say this-it doesn’t sound like your husband is sleep deprived. It is time for you to sleep. Really you have got to find a way to direct that anger so you can coll down-all that adrenalin is not good for sleep, or your blood pressure, or your health. If you can-go away -and so you don’t feel like you have been forced out of the house make it something for yourself. Go somewhere you have always wanted to go & do things you want to do. If you miss him go back without the anger and try again with outside help-couples therapy. If you don’t miss him-come back and get an attorney.

[Spouse]

Your suggestion is on point, I am going to go away this weekend and clear my head and see if that works. I talked to him at lunch again about the situation, his answer was to stop the therapy because he doesnt want either one of us changing rooms. I told him he must continue with the therapy, that is the most important for his health and well being, and that we would just have to take turns sleeping in the guest room. He said he would think about it. It disturbs me that he would rather discontinue therapy then take turns sleeping the the guest room. He is adverse to discussion. He gets very defensive when I try to talk to him about this and tell him that the sleep issue is important to both of us, and I am willing to move. He doesnt like that. For some reason having read over the site and getting a little familiar it sounds to me like his mask is leaking and making this loud hum noise. He was upstairs last night I was downstairs and I could hear that noise. Its a full face mask but he has had problems with it leaking.

[Severeena]

Spouse, if he wants to kill someone when he falls asleep behind the wheel of his vehicle then by all means continue the way you are.

This is your home will always be your home and your husband will always feel like an outsider.

Tom got into a very serious accident back in 1997, he had a broken neck at C1 and C2, how he came out of that one without being paralyzed is beyond me. No one was killed either.

[Spouse]

Im the one who had the car accident not him.
His equipment is a Remstar Pro M Series cpap machine and a Flexifit431 full face mask. Any one have any suggestions about if this machine is loud of the mask?

[Sleepless on LI]

Spouse,

NO mask should be heard from another level in your home. Something definitely seems wrong there.

And he should NEVER, EVER discontinue his therapy unless he's told it's doing damage to him, which I've yet to hear. It is far too important to even entertain him doing that.

This will all work itself out. It's new, it's frustrating to you both, and it will take some time for you to go through the stages. But once you do, it will be okay. I truly believe the key to resolution is calm communication, speaking your minds in a productive way and trying to come up with alternatives to try without having to hurt each other in the process. If you could both just manage to keep your cools and keep your minds open to how the other feels and what each of you is going through, without trying to win a contest as to who is going through a worse ordeal at the moment or using words that are hurtful or unnecessary, you'll be surprised what you can accomplish.

Like I said earlier, you are both going through a major adjustment; and with that comes raw emotions. Obviously, you both are a bit undercooked at the moment. But try to believe it will work out. What you both need right now is to reinforce in each other's minds that you love each other and that whatever it takes, you will do it together and get through this. After all, the therapy is allowing you to have your husband in a healthy state and alive. And just think how nice it is not to have to listen to him snore anymore!!! I really wish you both the best. It WILL work out. Hang in there.

[Wulfman]

His equipment is a Remstar Pro M Series cpap machine and a Flexifit431 full face mask. Any one have any suggestions about if this machine is loud of the mask?

Well, that is SUPPOSED to be a good machine. There are quite a few members using that one and that in most cases is quiet.. It also has data reporting capabilities.
The mask, on the other hand, is the "key" to successful therapy (and the right pressure). Obviously, as you may have see here, every mask does not work for every person. Face shape, selecting the right size, the right adjustments on the straps are what make things work....or not. If his is leaking, he needs to check out these things because his therapy will suffer.

If he's been prescribed a high pressure AND his mask doesn't fit right.....

Den

[Offerocker]

First, I don't know why I'm responding AGAIN, but think I have detected more underlying problems here.

his answer was to stop the therapy because he doesnt want either one of us changing rooms.

He is 'playing' you. His response does not make sense, does it? He wants your complete sympathy and for you to do whatever he wants to keep him happy, and then that will undoubtedly change, once you comply to the current situation..

He said he would think about it. It disturbs me that he would rather discontinue therapy then take turns sleeping the the guest room.

Same example of him trying to control your actions/reactions.

Without discussing it with him, see someone who can help YOU in/or out of this relationship. But first, you'll need to understand the relationship so that you'll recognize those personality traits 'next time'

He is adverse to discussion. He gets very defensive when I try to talk to him about this and tell him that the sleep issue is important to both of us, and I am willing to move. He doesnt like that.

He is adverse to discussion because he doesn't want to be caught being illogical or lying. He doesn't want you to move. He wants you to suffer with it, after all, isn't that your role in life?

He was upstairs last night I was downstairs and I could hear that noise. Its a full face mask but he has had problems with it leaking.

Either you were listening too hard, or he WAS PURPOSELY making a LOT of noise to irritate you,and/or reinforce/validate your reaction to the noise, etc.. If it were quiet, then he'd be expected to sleep apart all the time.

There are too many games being played, and he seems to be a controlling person. You are trying too hard; he knows it; he has you where he wants you. He doesn't want to sleep in the 'Guest Room', because that's most likely what he feels like - a 'guest' - not your problem, if he won't talk about much of anything.

'What are his redeeming qualities? I'm curious.

This subject has consumed you. Find a talk therapist who can provide more insight to personal interelationships, etc. Don't worry about his going 'along'. He's made it apparent he doesn't care.

I think I said it before, but DO TRY TO IGNORE THIS PROBLEM AS LONG AS YOU CAN...Don't play his game. Smile, be happy, and refreshed in the morning IF IT KILLS YOU! Will be interesting to find out what he does then.

I've been hardest on you previously - but you provided NO info, certainly nothing of your husband and his refusal to communicate.

He sounds like he's practicing mental cruelty, from the info you're now providing. I know about that subject! You're led to think it is all your fault, and that you're unable to adjust. He has a medical problem, and he wants it to seem that you are making it worse, my dear. You are playing right into his hand. Don't do it. Rethink this, and start again on the offensive, and not the defensive.

(note to Lori: You are much to 'nice' - or have led a charmed life, )

[Jere]

After reading through these posts my first impression is that this cannot be for real. But I guess it might be.

I have been married for nearly 25 years and we have gone through bad times, but always together. Even all of those years of sleep deprivation when our boys where babies - neither of us slept a full night for months/years.

Xpap therapy has been such a small issue; I am sure the noise bothers my wife sometimes, but not nearly as much as my snoring did before I started xpap.

From my perspective, I am willing to endure the extreme discomfort of the mask and the hose and all that in order to mute the snoring and allow my wife to return to the bedroom. Xpap has brought us back together - not the opposite. That is why I find this thread to be somewhat unbelievable. There is more going on here than xpap will ever repair.

Dear Abby

.

[Offerocker]

There is more going on here than xpap will ever repair.

Dear Abby

Ann Landers agrees!

The only 'problem' I had was my husband watching me go through the 'process' of preparing for a good night's sleep. His curiousity/learning has been satisfied now, and his 'job' is to wake me if he finds that my mask is off.

I'm reminded, as many who have read these posts, of just how fortunate I am to have complete support from my spouse. Although, a few times,he purposely waited until I had settled in, then .... NO! I'm NOT going through this procedure again - you had your chance - spouses seem to enjoy teasing - hey, I should taken him up on it, but NOT removed the mask, ha ha ..

[Jere]

When my wife complains while I am adjusting my gear for the umteenth time, I just take off the gear and hand it over and say "OK - your turn tonight." Works every time!

.

[krousseau]

Anyone remember the scene in Sleepless in Seattle when Meg Ryan and the first fiance are getting into bed-his bedside tale covered with nose sprays, kleenex, vicks, etc. Wellllll-don't we top that with our spouses and our CPAP gear/masks/hoses/Ayr gel/Badger Balm/chinstraps/papillows/hose clips--and whatever.