Getting the wife on board (help!)

[R1200ST]

Hi everyone,

You all know I am new and getting used to using my equipment. The nasal pillow has been great and (to me) very quiet compared to the FFM I started with. I am sleeping through most of the night and on the way to full and complete nights sleep. As with most snoring and married couples, I have been sleeping in a separate bedroom as I kept my wife up at night. So last week she wanted me to come back to bed and when I moved the equipment back into the room so looked at me funny and said "why are you bringing that in here?" which of course I replied "I have to sleep with this as it keeps me from snoring or having sleep apnea" which she is well aware of. The first night she left the bedroom and slept on the couch but didn't say why. Then for a couple nights I got the hint and didn't use my system (and felt like crap the next day) and last night as we went to bed I kissed her good night and got geared up and turn on my machine and I got the "SIGH" from her side of the bed and she looked at me and said "are you going to USE THAT"? which I replied "of course" and she said "but I cant sleep with that thing in the room". So I got very frustrated , grabbed my gear and moved back into the other room.

How do I get her on board with this? She was the one complaining for the last year about the snoring and noise, she was the one who was worried and pushed me to get treatment and now I can't sleep in my bed (still).

She is a very light sleeper. A bit spoiled and very particular on how she sets up her pillows, etc. before going to bed. So if I snore I wake her up, if I use my equipment I wake her up, so I end up the loser in all of this.

Thanks for the advice (if there is any) because I don't see a way through this.

Rich

[CaptainRaven40]

Wow. I have no help for this. I am really sorry you are going through that. My wife is the one who pushed me to get the study and the CPAP. Now she sleeps way better she says because she doesn't worry about me dying in my sleep from not breathing. So I am sorry for what you are going through. I will for sure keep you in my thoughts.

[BlackSpinner]

Health comes first everything else comes second. Make that room your own and make it clear that if she wants to sleep with you she can come there.

[Cardsfan]

I don't think she understands how serious it is. Have her go to a dr. appt with you and let them explain it to her. My husband took it much more seriously after listening to my cardiologist and my sleep dr.

Also, someone on here posts a video on the effects of sleep apnea. If that person (?) reads this, they could post it for you to show her. It shows exactly what happens when you fall asleep without the machine, and the damage it causes.

[yippeekia]

I would talk to her and be honest about wanting to sleep in the same bed, but also doing everything you can to help both of you get a good night sleep. We took it as a challenge. We wanted to both get good sleep and be healthier.

So I would do all that I could to make it quiet. (I placed my machine lower than the mattress, got a hose cozy, and got a mask that doesn't blow air on my husband.)
Maybe try background white noise. Many users on this forum use a fan, etc.

Throughout the process I would keep talking and asking what makes it better for both of you.

If she isn't willing to have this conversation and approach this as a challenge, perhaps a counselor could help facilitate the dialogue.

This is a difficult process even with a fantastic support system. I wish you both luck in your journey for healthier sleep.

[LSAT]

You said..."She is a very light sleeper. A bit spoiled and very particular on how she sets up her pillows, etc. before going to bed."

She has no regard for your health...You need a Marriage Counselor

[Zoopshine]

You said..."She is a very light sleeper. A bit spoiled and very particular on how she sets up her pillows, etc. before going to bed."

She has no regard for your health...You need a Marriage Counselor

Absolutely, 100% agree. That is beyond spoiled, that is just plain selfish! She needs to grow up!

[WindCpap]

First, recognize that your wife has a sleep disorder and you need to be sensitive toward it. I personally had to order a pillow from Germany prior to being able to through out my 30 year pillow, so I understand being particular about things when it comes to sleep. Do not, however, tell her that she has a sleep disorder.

You need sit down during the day (right before sleep time is not the time for this conversation), and explain that you will need to use the CPAP for the rest of your life, and there are no exceptions to using it. Explain that you really want to sleep in the same bed as here, and while not using CPAP is off the table, you are willing to do what it takes to make it so that she gets a good nights sleep. Ask her what is specifically bothering her, and see if you can do something to alleviate the issues. Make sure that your machine is not leaking. If you look at your sleepyhead data, and the leak rate baseline is above zero, and you don't feel any leak from around your maks, you have a leak in your hose connection or humidifier. Leaks increase the hissing noise coming from the machine. You can try placing the machine below the level of the bed to try and take care of some of the noise as well. Also, you could try a white noise machine.

Your wife is going to have to get used to the CPAP just like you did. If she is concerned about missing sleep when she has to work, the anxiety will keep her up just as much as the machine. Try starting in the same bed on a long weekend so that there are fewer consequences to missing sleep for a few days.

The most important thing is that your wife knows you are sensitive to her needs and that you want to work together to resolve the situation.

Edit: In other words, what Yippeekia said.

[Wulfman...]

Hi everyone,

You all know I am new and getting used to using my equipment. The nasal pillow has been great and (to me) very quiet compared to the FFM I started with. I am sleeping through most of the night and on the way to full and complete nights sleep. As with most snoring and married couples, I have been sleeping in a separate bedroom as I kept my wife up at night. So last week she wanted me to come back to bed and when I moved the equipment back into the room so looked at me funny and said "why are you bringing that in here?" which of course I replied "I have to sleep with this as it keeps me from snoring or having sleep apnea" which she is well aware of. The first night she left the bedroom and slept on the couch but didn't say why. Then for a couple nights I got the hint and didn't use my system (and felt like crap the next day) and last night as we went to bed I kissed her good night and got geared up and turn on my machine and I got the "SIGH" from her side of the bed and she looked at me and said "are you going to USE THAT"? which I replied "of course" and she said "but I cant sleep with that thing in the room". So I got very frustrated , grabbed my gear and moved back into the other room.

How do I get her on board with this? She was the one complaining for the last year about the snoring and noise, she was the one who was worried and pushed me to get treatment and now I can't sleep in my bed (still).

She is a very light sleeper. A bit spoiled and very particular on how she sets up her pillows, etc. before going to bed. So if I snore I wake her up, if I use my equipment I wake her up, so I end up the loser in all of this.

Thanks for the advice (if there is any) because I don't see a way through this.

Rich

She sounds like a spoiled brat to me........and keeps wanting to play "the victim".
My advice is to stay in the bedroom you had been sleeping in and enjoy your "freedom".
Either way, it's going to be a "war of wills" and you're in a no-win situation. Don't let her get the upper hand and get you to give up the therapy she pushed you into. You need it and now you know how you will feel by not using it.
As far as cuddling and sex goes, you can both have that before you go to sleep, but it sounds like she's playing games with you at this point. She seems to need something to complain about........first it was the snoring and now it's the therapy.


Den

.

[49er]

First, recognize that your wife has a sleep disorder and you need to be sensitive toward it. I personally had to order a pillow from Germany prior to being able to through out my 30 year pillow, so I understand being particular about things when it comes to sleep. Do not, however, tell her that she has a sleep disorder.

You need sit down during the day (right before sleep time is not the time for this conversation), and explain that you will need to use the CPAP for the rest of your life, and there are no exceptions to using it. Explain that you really want to sleep in the same bed as here, and while not using CPAP is off the table, you are willing to do what it takes to make it so that she gets a good nights sleep. Ask her what is specifically bothering her, and see if you can do something to alleviate the issues. Make sure that your machine is not leaking. If you look at your sleepyhead data, and the leak rate baseline is above zero, and you don't feel any leak from around your maks, you have a leak in your hose connection or humidifier. Leaks increase the hissing noise coming from the machine. You can try placing the machine below the level of the bed to try and take care of some of the noise as well. Also, you could try a white noise machine.

Your wife is going to have to get used to the CPAP just like you did. If she is concerned about missing sleep when she has to work, the anxiety will keep her up just as much as the machine. Try starting in the same bed on a long weekend so that there are fewer consequences to missing sleep for a few days.

The most important thing is that your wife knows you are sensitive to her needs and that you want to work together to resolve the situation.

Edit: In other words, what Yippeekia said.

Windcap,

This is one of the best posts I have read regarding situations like this. Well done.

49er

[garagelogician]

Tell her in no uncertain terms that your health is the top priority...and that you will die an early death without it. You've done your part in getting treatment, the rest is up to her if she values your life and marriage. Do not move back out of YOUR bed, she will have to be the one to decide where she wants to sleep. Either she can deal with it (and get used to it) or she can leave the room. Get her some ear plugs if you have to.

When my wife and I were dating, I approached the subject of my CPAP before she slept overnight with me. She was very understanding, and glad that I talked to her about it. It took her awhile to adjust, but she valued my health and our relationship more than the annoyance of having to get acclimated to sleeping with a hose head. It took a couple weeks worth of overnights to get used to it, but she was determined to succeed in supporting me.

If your wife is unwilling to do that, I suspect you may have issues that run deeper than just the CPAP.

Good luck.

[Sir NoddinOff]

In the CPAPtalk search engine (upper left) type in spouse. I just got 137 pages, mostly about people trying to get their significant other on-board with their CPAP therapy. Good luck, she's probably just initially freaked out and will eventually adapt. Don't harass her at this point, just try to cope. Earplugs? Temp separate room? White noise generator? Lots of solutions.

[Janknitz]

Your wife sounds like she doesn't understand that it's either snoring ultimately leading to organ damage or the CPAP, there's no in between. A CPAP does not cure sleep apnea, it only treats it--like a splint for your throat. Somehow she didn't get that memo.

My husband was a little slow on the uptake, too. He was smart enough to understand when I told him that it was either back to take-the-roof-off snoring (and he, poor guy, had to go sleep on the couch because he could not sleep through my snoring!) or the CPAP which he really couldn't hear, anyway. Now, he always checks to make sure I'm "Darthed" before I fall asleep. I have a very selfish no longer teenage daughter. When we traveled and she heard she was going to have to share a hotel room with me and my machine, she complained until I reminded her the option was to listen to me snore all night. Somehow the machine doesn't seem like such an issue after that. And she of the very sensitive hearing says she doesn't even hear the machine.

So you need to do some explaining. And some exploring--does she want to work with you to get used to the noise, or is she going to be happier sleeping alone for the rest of the marriage? I wouldn't do it in a mean way, or an ultimatum, it's just reality. You MUST sleep with the CPAP, all night, EVERY night, ALL night. If she is willing to do the work to get used to the noise, then you can sleep together. If she is not, then you can't sleep in the same room. Period.

If she wants to try, perhaps a little white noise will help mask the machine--a fan blowing away from you both, or a sound machine? You can try to dampen the noise--use a hose cover, put the machine on a padded surface below your side of the bed, and make sure your hose isn't resting on the mattress or your headboard (because they conduct sound).

[Sonya]

I'm the wife, light-sleeper and CPAP user in my household. My husband doesn't like the "breathing noise" the machine makes, so we put a white-noise machine on his nightstand that covers up the noise of the air moving. He prefers the sound of light rain to the woosh.

I have a different sleep schedule from my husband. I go to bed a couple hours after him and he gets up a couple hours before I do. For me, the noise and light leaks from his going in and out of the bathroom in the morning is disruptive and wakes me up. Not enough sleep makes me cranky and I do that sigh thing.

I suggested that I move to another bedroom for sleep, but that wasn't acceptable to him because spouses are "supposed to" sleep together. He's okay with one of us sleeping in the other room when someone is sick or coughing, but not nightly. I can't just move to the other room because I have to cart the CPAP with me. We are working on other solutions, including setting him up in the guest bathroom to do his morning prep, to let me have those extra 2 hours in the morning, undisturbed.

What I'm saying is that there may be some other issue your wife has with your marriage and sleeping the same bed seems like the solution to her. Talk, talk talk about it. What is it exactly that she wants? If you clearly state that NOT sleeping with the CPAP is not an option because your health matters, see what suggestions she has. Maybe try one of those white-noise machines or a fan to drown out the CPAP noise. See if you can maybe spend 30 minutes together in bed for pillow talk and bonding, and then move to the other room to sleep with the CPAP.

[idamtnboy]

You said..."She is a very light sleeper. A bit spoiled and very particular on how she sets up her pillows, etc. before going to bed."

She has no regard for your health...You need a Marriage Counselor

Absolutely, 100% agree. That is beyond spoiled, that is just plain selfish! She needs to grow up!

Not necessarily. She very well may be grieving the loss of a comfortable lifestyle. Seeing the CPAP equipment can be a real "slap in the face" moment of realization that things are changing, changing in a very uncomfortable fashion. Be patient, and tolerant. Give her time. If in several months she hasn't softened her position, or fully accepted the inevitable, then it will be time to talk to a counselor.

I really prefer someone else would point you this thread, but since they haven't I will. I trust it will help both you and your wife to understand what is happening. viewtopic/t61785/Especially-for-newly-d ... hange.html