Permission to vent? (no pun intended)

[copernicus]

Third night on Cpap, and although i find the mask most uncomfortable, today was a good day with more energy than usual. My wife is very happy with the fact that i am more present both in body and mind and not spending my sundays napping. However, it is like she playing the ostrich and sticking her head in the sand with anything related to my condition. It just seems to her, like am sleeping with a mask, big deal. and although my friends have googled sleep apnea and cpap to educate themselves about what i am going through, she did not. and everytime she knows i am on the site, she rolls her eyes, as if saying: 'again?'
I want to talk to her about it, but dont want to sound like i am asking for her pity. it just want her to understand that this is upsetting to me, that reading about other people with the same problem is helping me a lot, and that NO, wearing an uncomfortable mask to stay alive is not easy!!

Has anyone out there had the same problems with their spouse? how can i gently tell her to get off my case?

[elena88]

put the mask on her, that is what I did to my husband...

it worked like a charm...

also just print out a list of all the things osa causes that can KILL YOU...

and show her the front page of this forum, and the top sticky thread "newbie would like to hear success stories please"

this treatment aint easy... lots of people give up the first week, so let her know you dont intend to be one of them, and

also there is a phase of "immersion" you have to go thru..

so youre going to be busy researching a lot for awhile, so get her a kitten.

[copernicus]

Lol. she has cat phobia.

[scrapper]

Does your wife want you dead or alive? While my spouse died of a brain tumor years ago, I would much prefer him alive, helping to raise our kids, and going through the hassle of learning to live life on a cpap...........might there be other relationship problems that contributes to your wife's attitude? That's for you to work out........

A support system is very important--both here online and from her and the rest of your loved ones. Share the articles and success stories with her--to assure her that very soon this will become as normal as brushing your teeth before bed.

From your other thread, it sounds as if you may be interested in finding a different mask.........and nasal pillows are less darth vader like than the mask you are currently wearing......not that your wife is a reason to change masks. Once you find the right mask for you, there will be less putzing around every night.

As you are adjusting to this new lifestyle, are you also interrupting her sleep???? That probably does not contribute to her warm feelings towards you.

This is an adjustment period for your wife too..............cpap has given me so much--from restored energy, and renewed enthusiasm, and the freedom to travel with friends because I no longer snore like a freight train. May the same happen to you in time, so that your wife also makes friends with the new bedroom appliance.

[elena88]

Lol. she has cat phobia.

well my first thought was " well, then he is pretty much screwed!"


okay how about a ferret?

[imsleepynomore]

Continue to read and learn as much as possible occasionaly share positive information . The best that can happen is her seeing the improved you. I used to hear my Hubby comment about the hours I have spent on web sites learning after two years of forums he has accepted I have a need to learn and I do benifet from these sites. I currently use this site and also have spent multiple hours on chronic kidney disease sites . I have gained more knowledge on these web sites than I ever could from my docs.The biggest benefit for me has been improved lifespan :wink My husband now asks me to check on the web for his currant health problems and respects me for my knowledge

[Laurie1041]

In all honesty, many people just don't get the fact that untreated sleep apnea can cause strokes, hypertension, heart attacks, diabetes, potentially deadly heart arrythmias, etc. They may get the "snoring" part and the "I am so tired" part, but the seriousness of this disorder alludes many people.

Of course, I don't know your wife, or for that matter you, however, I am just taking a guess based on my own dealings with sleep apnea that perhaps your wife just wants her husband back. You know, the time you were the happy-go-lucky guy, who had lots of energy to spend time doing stuff with your wife. Is it possible that she might be feeling a bit resentful toward you? I am merely pondering the possibilities.

You both have unmet needs. You need support and caring from your partner and just from the way you describe your wife's response to you being on the computer looking up health-related information, I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not about your sleep apnea, but more about something that is missing from your relationship. It's usually about the stuff that is not said that causes the biggest problems in relationships. Talk and listen. Keep us posted and come here to vent anytime. Hugs, Laurie

[copernicus]

She is actually thrilled that we finally found what was wrong with me, and got a cpap to cure it. but it is her 'problem solved, move on' attitude that is bugging me.

Or maybe i am just in a bad mood, and letting the smallest things get on my nerves.

[scrapper]

and soon you will be moving on...........happily and healthy!

A new day, a walk, some sunshine, or a date with the wife are all attitude changers.........go for it!

[Slartybartfast]

Another word of advice. Don't make the mistake of ever, even jokingly, saying that CPAP is better than sex.

Don't ask me how I know.

[copernicus]

dont you know that when you say: don's ask me how i know, then people are REALLY gonna want to know. By all means, do tell all...

[Slartybartfast]

You can't joke about things like that with your wife like you can with your guy-friends. Sometimes it's best to just do like the dog does when he does something stupid. Fall down, roll on your back with your feet in the air and wag your tail.

In my case, penance took the form of a foot rub.

[copernicus]

small price to pay... i guess

[Laurie1041]

Exactly! For your wife, it's "problem solved" so lets go out and play. You may be feeling overwhelmed and not in control, maybe you feel fearful. All of these feelings are normal. Needing support and compassion from our partner is a normal part of the human experience and more importantly, you deserve this. Getting the response that you would like from your wife will only be possible if you ask for what you need. I suppose this means being vulnerable. A useful formula that does not put someone on the defensive is:
"I feel ------ -------- (does not contain the word "you")
"because _______ __________
"I want ____________

Your wife may simply have no idea of what you are experiencing internally. L

[copernicus]

erm, could you go the extra mile, and fill in the blanks? i could use a woman's input on this one