OT: Losing a Parent

Kiralynx · Post by **Kiralynx** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 12:34 pm

I spoke with the hospice nurse this morning.

It will be surprising if Mom lives out the week.

This journey is one we cannot help her with. She must take it herself. But it is a journey to a land free from pain... one which we must not hinder her from taking -- not because we do not love her, but because we love her too much to force her to stay.

I'm sad... and I'm angry. I look back over my mother's medical history, and the clues were all there, but I was too uninformed to know.

High cholesterol. High blood pressure. Congestive heart failure. Myofascial pain. And now dementia.

All probably due to undiagnosed sleep apnea. But no one... not her PCP, not the cardiologists, not any of the orthopedists, ever considered sleep apnea. Mom is only 5' 3" and 105 pounds. Of course she couldn't have apnea. Everyone knows it's only fatties who get apnea. There are so many "everyone knows" that rendered her health care practitioners blind to the issue.

I bought a pulse oximeter and couldn't get her to wear it... though she had it on when her last heart attack started.

Even Mom herself, and my father, thought I was being over-reactive and saying "apnea, apnea," because I myself had been diagnosed with apnea. Mom admitted she didn't want to consider having to wear a CPAP mask because it would be so uncomfortable, and it would mess up her hair.

All I can say is -- if anyone with apnea has elderly parents, they should watch them closely, and maybe see if you can at least get them a pulse oximeter test.

Death comes to all of us. As my husband noted, life is a fatal disease -- no one so far has gotten out of it alive. But I really think Mom could have been spared a lot of suffering if her doctors had been better informed about sleep apnea.

OutaSync · Post by **OutaSync** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 12:56 pm

Kiralynx,

You are a devoted daughter, and your parents are blessed to have you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, knowing that, at least some of it may have been preventable.

Stay strong. Your dad is going to need your strength to get through this. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Bev

BlackSpinner · Post by **BlackSpinner** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 1:07 pm

Mom admitted she didn't want to consider having to wear a CPAP mask because it would be so uncomfortable, and it would mess up her hair.

Yes this. Mine is the same. Though dad talked about it with his cardiologist.
At this point mom couldn't handle it, She is like a 5 year old now.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Not quite there yet - and though I hate to say it and feel very guilty about it ... I wish I was.

Catnapper · Post by **Catnapper** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 1:15 pm

I am so very sorry to hear your news.

Please know your friends here care and will hold you in our hearts during this sorrowful time.

Catnapper - Joanie

elg5cats · Post by **elg5cats** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 2:02 pm

Thinking of you during this transitional time.

elg5cats

RN Ricky · Post by **RN Ricky** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 2:21 pm

I feel your pain. My mom always complained of being tired. She had a lot of symptomology that would directly point to OSA but we never got there. I am at fault as well - did not get any info in nursing school Will be thinking of you now. To be strong is not what you need now. Let go and help your dad to let go as well. No matter how old your mom is she is still your mom. Thank you and other cpap-ers for taking the time to respond to my questions.

slapmeawake · Post by **slapmeawake** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 2:33 pm

My Mother also has apnea and refuses to try CPAP. Same old excuses and she feels bad but not bad enough to try to save her life. My sympathies and prayers are with you and your family in this very sad time but take comfort in knowing you did the best you could for your mother. I will have to take this same journey someday too soon also because my mother refuses treatment. It is hard to bear watching it happen when you know CPAP might have made it so much better. God Bless!!

timbalionguy · Post by **timbalionguy** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 3:02 pm

I am praying for all involved as well.

2flamingos · Post by **2flamingos** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 3:23 pm

kiralynx,

I can soooo relate. Lost mom 5 years ago due to complications from alzheimers. Her last 3 weeks she was basically comatose - her sodium had dropped to 91 and she never came out of it. Now we are going through what appears to be close to the end. He has parkinson's (late stage - with some levels of dementia), congestive heart failure, spinal stenosis, diabetes, has recently had a heart attack (cath found major blockages, but they couldn't even get a wire in to do a stent), and three weeks after the heart attack had a diverticcular bleed (had to get 11 units of blood). He is home now, but continuing to go downhill everyday. Its hard, especially knowing there is nothing anyone can do.

I think the best we can do and hope for them is that they go peacefully in their sleep, and put and end to their suffering.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

howkim · Post by **howkim** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 3:31 pm

Kiralynx, I'm so sorry.

Demeter_Soul · Post by **Demeter_Soul** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 3:39 pm

Kiralynx, I am so very sorry to read your post...and I shall keep your mother and you and your family in my prayers.
I lost my father in 2005, two days after Christmas, and I am convinced many of his health problems were caused by sleep apnea, and I've been dealing with almost all of the same problems.
I keep a close watch on my mother, now, especially since she had a heart attack a month after my father passed...and I have told my son he should be aware of what to look for...

Be sure to take care of yourself during this trying time.

DreamOn · Post by **DreamOn** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 4:16 pm

My heart goes out to you during this difficult time, Kiralynx. You have done your very best for your mother. Please do not blame yourself for what you didn't know earlier. She may not have complied with treatment anyway. So many people do not.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with everyone here. I've only been here a short time, but I feel so much caring and acceptance. My prayers are with you and your family. Please take good care of yourself.

Best wishes,

DreamOn

cflame1 · Post by **cflame1** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 4:19 pm

I'm sorry Kira

I lost my dad last fall (combination of stage 4 cancer, kidney failure and heart failure)... he knew that he had apnea but refused to be treated for it... supposedly he couldn't handle it. The only good part of that... is that when I found out that he had it, it was part of what got me to take the test myself.

Just keep a watch over your dad. If he's anything like my mom... he'll need a lot of help especially at the beginning. Just the adjustment will be really hard.

Kiralynx · Post by **Kiralynx** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 5:18 pm

Thanks to everyone for your wishes and prayers.

I'll be going over again in a short time...

JayC · Post by **JayC** » Mon Oct 26, 2009 5:19 pm

Holding you --- and all your loved ones --- in warm supportive light especially during this shifting time.....

I can relate to many pieces of what you have shared.....

Warm regards,
J

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