Help getting wife to use her CPAP

birdshell · Post by **birdshell** » Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:50 pm

I hope that my thoughts will be helpful. These things just occurred to me while reading the thread. Of course, the specific examples and applications will have to be determined by you. All mask issues aside, it seems to me that your wife:

1. Is feeling a little sorry for herself, understandably, and she probably would appreciate a bit of commiseration. I mean, you should understand what she is going through better than almost anyone else. You know, saying it is a pain to have to clean this thing, I'm sorry you have to do this too, I hate trying to get it to seal, please allow me to: set up the machine, to clean the humidifier, to fill the humidifier, to clean your mask, etc. (Make her into the APAP Princess!)

BTW, I noticed that you did not seem to be able to read her mind!! How positively MALE of you! Seriously, though, expecting you to set up her machine may have been because she was unsure and does NOT like to ask for help.

2. Have you considered, as the old song says, trying a little tenderness. How about trying to soothe her as she falls asleep by holding her hand, rubbing her back, etc. Maybe buy a CD for bedtime use that is calming and that you would both like? Or lavender-scented linen spray for the pillows? Or whatever you think will work.

3. Just a guess, but have you tried saying, "I notice that you dealt with Apria today." Then, allow her to tell you--this will help her to feel that she has control over the situation. (Hint: Do NOT say "Great job! You rock!" because she may feel patronized.) You will probably get better results from the littlest bit of notice--especially at the moment that you catch her doing the right thing. Rather, more effective might be the subtle, "I noticed that you had a definite take-charge tone in your voice when on the phone with Apria."

4. How about asking her doctor to talk to her, without saying that you have contacted him, to check on her progress? A subtle nudge from someone besides you would probably work best. It could be done by saying that she is an interesting case and that he would really, really be interested to see her results...He knows how conscientious and thorough she is, and her results should be good with the APAP--and he may be able to share her experiences as an example to other patients, etc.

5. Recall, if you will, that it is best to talk with her when she is NOT hungry, tired (if possible), or feeling angry. Also, saying when she has another migraine, "You probably wouldn't have that migraine if you had used the APAP!" would be a HUGE mistake. But, you probably wouldn't be that stupid, would you?

If you don't know that by now, then when will you? And, how soon is the divorce? See number 4 above for alternates.

6. Uh, if she likes your mask, then can she not USE your mask? If money is truly not an issue, and it usually isn't when it is brought up, then maybe you could get a new one and give her yours--or vice versa. I mean, we HAVE found a mask that she likes--it is just YOURS. Of course, this assumes that it delivers adequate treatment for her.

It may be rather comforting to her to use yours, as it has kept her dear husband alive and happier for a long time. Plus, you have already broken it in for her. Think of the message: My husband loves me so much that he gave me the mask off his face!!

Lots of other good suggestions have been given to you and my humble ones are just additional thoughts. I wish both of you all the best, and please keep us in the loop on her progress.

Karen

frapilu · Post by **frapilu** » Wed Apr 18, 2007 6:35 pm

Thanks for the update, Bob. Hope it all works out.
Good thing she's finally doing something.

France

tomjax · Post by **tomjax** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 6:54 am

Many have given you some heartfelt and reasonable advice for helping your spouse realize the importance of PAP compliance.

When such fails, perhaps a switch in tactics may be more effective.

One way that would get the attention of many is that whenever you go out together shopping or out to dinner is to cast your eyes longingly at other females and say HMMM,

After a while she may ask you why you are checking out all the women.

Tell her that since she is trying to make you a widower, you want to be on the lookout for her replacement.

Try not to be near the knife shop or axe handles whrn this happens.

May work, may not. But it is guaranteed to start a dialog.
tomjax

BobF4 · Post by **BobF4** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 9:16 am

Tom,

While that is a somewhat appealing suggestion, I do not wish to die like that. LOL

Karen,

Very good suggestions. I try to spoil her whenever I can, or whenever she lets me. Right now, I am avoiding causing any problems. I've mentioned to her about calling the sleep center and Apria during the day, while carefully avoiding the subject in the evening. Basically, I want her to be responsible for her own treatment, while, at the same time, I want to be supportive of her. I think she has an appointment with our doctor (yes, we both have the same GP) on Monday, before her sleep center & Apria appointments, so it might not be a bad idea to mention it to him then.

Also, since I do have a CPAP already, I also have a spare mask (an Ultra Mirage). I hooked that up for her, using her headgear (I didn't have spare headgear), and she tried it, with the same results as before.

We are going to Apria Monday afternoon to get her a new mask. I've already planted the idea in her mind about asking for nasal pillows, which she seems interested in. I will show her, beforehand, pictures from cpap.com, so she has an idea what they look like. If anyone would care to share their opinions about nasal pillow masks, please feel free. Any suggestions are always welcome.

Bob

snorin747 · Post by **snorin747** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 9:57 am

Something you touched on your wife may be experiencing is something I went through. "I had to put something on my face that had a death grip on my head that was suppose to make me feel better. Yeah right!"

I initially had problems and reacted as though I was being claustrophobic. Which really surprised me. Once I was trapped in an elevator, sat down and went to sleep. Even to this day when I put the mask on, I start having problems breathing.

What has helped me was training from the VA for chronic pain. I used the same methods to help me relax with the mask on. There have been nights when I have had to calm myself down (breathing exercises) with the mask on.

My idea would be to help her though getting the mask on, relaxing with the mask on. Talk softly to her helping her to relax. Let her say when she is ready to get hooked up the machine. Hold her hand. Be loving, be patient.

If you guys had a pattern of what you did before you went to bed, try to get back into that same pattern but add getting her hooked up to the machine.

Best of luck.

-747

BobF4 · Post by **BobF4** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:33 am

747,

The wife seems to be OK when she is sitting up and wearing a mask, which she was when she originally tried on the mask. Its when she puts it on, and the machine kicks on that is the issue. She immediately rips the mask off, and says it feels like the machine is suctioning to her face. I agree, it is very similar to your situation. But she downright refuses to wear, or even try, the mask now, especially since she has an appointment with the DME (Apria) to swap out the mask on Monday. I am gently steering her towards the nasal pillow system, but again, am unsure how she will respond to wearing it. I will make sure that, when she tries on whichever mask she is fitted with, she is laying down, and has the machine on, to best simulate when she is going to bed.

frapilu · Post by **frapilu** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:49 am

Bob,

Yes, definitely do everything you can to make sure they turn that machine on when she tries the mask. Makes a world of difference.

I was trying a FF mask at one point and it was fine in the office without the cpap. Once I got home and turned on the cpap, the cushion billowed out and it was too big.

France

Snoredog · Post by **Snoredog** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:56 am

Get 4pcs of soft silk rope, tie her legs and arms to the bed posts, put on her mask on, flip the switch!!

sharon1965 · Post by **sharon1965** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:09 am

bob

at the risk of sounding sarcastic or rude, which is honestly not my intention:

maybe you might want to think about refraining from referring to her as "the wife"...it is, after all, 2007 and "The Honeymooners" no longer reflects male/female relationships...just sayin'

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 12:17 pm

Point taken, Sharon. Looking back, that was insensitive of me to say.

SelfSeeker · Post by **SelfSeeker** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:02 pm

Bob, I have some concerns?

How could your wife be fitted for a mask, without the cpap at her titrated level and laying down?

Did your wife get titrated, if yes how did she tolorate the air coming out the mask?

Can your wife articulate what is the problem when the cpap gets turned on?

Can she stand to have the air blowinging into her face without a mask on, just from the hose?

Can she exhale against her pressure?

sharon1965 · Post by **sharon1965** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:02 pm

bob

see? i knew you were a good guy...thanks for taking my comment in the spirit it was intended

hope things are going well in your corner of the world

sharon

birdshell · Post by **birdshell** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:14 pm

Snoredog wrote:Get 4pcs of soft silk rope, tie her legs and arms to the bed posts, put on her mask on, flip the switch!!

Now, now, now, Snoredog! Who is getting kinky now? You could have given me some competition in that area...LOL!

BobF4 · Post by **BobF4** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 5:33 pm

Self,

They fitted the mask to her face with her sitting down in a chair. The machine was on had she said she felt OK with it.

She did not, however, get titrated. When she got the mask, they gave her an auto-titration machine so she could do the titration at home.

Basically, she puts it on and rips it right off, after the air starts blowing. Not sure if she can breathe against the pressure or not, since she hasn't worn the mask for a prolonged period of time.

Like I said before, she gets fitted for a new mask Monday afternoon. I will then insist on her laying down, with the machine on, when she is fitted.

Will keep you posted.

Bob

SelfSeeker · Post by **SelfSeeker** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 7:23 pm

Bob other questions/

What is the minimum pressure your wife's mask needs. If she is starting at 4 and the mask min is 6, then she will pull it off.

does she have any condition that may cause problems for her when she lays down that will cause her breathing problems?

I do not understand why the DME, is not helping the mask situation. Especially if this is to be a titration study.

Mask	Humidifier

Additional Comments: 15,332 hours on old machine (RemStar Pro with C-flex; received 3/3/2003, retired 10/5/2010)