There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose hose was so long he could tuck it.
He said with a grin wiping drool from his chin
"Without CPAP I might kick the bucket!!"
Any good CPAP jokes?
-
sir_cumference
- Posts: 240
- Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 10:47 am
- Location: UK
After hearing about how Bill (WAFlowers) lifts his chin up to blow air at his wife through the vent holes on his swift at night (what a loving husband he must be), it gave me the idea for the following little ditty. Hope you enjoy - especially Lori our resident swift evangelist !!
My Swift - by sir_cumference
My little swift it ventilates
Not oscillates or resonates
It never grates or fluctuates
Even when I masticate (that means chew)
It never seems to deviate
But communicates it’s up to date
And demonstrates it’s not to late
To vacillate or hesitate
Over shape and tape and pressure rates
But in the end it’s love or hate
And that is what is just so great
About this little swift of mine
Try saying that fast!!!!!!!
sir_cumference (out of breath)
PS I hope I put enough long words in for LDuyer!
_________________
CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): swift
My Swift - by sir_cumference
My little swift it ventilates
Not oscillates or resonates
It never grates or fluctuates
Even when I masticate (that means chew)
It never seems to deviate
But communicates it’s up to date
And demonstrates it’s not to late
To vacillate or hesitate
Over shape and tape and pressure rates
But in the end it’s love or hate
And that is what is just so great
About this little swift of mine
Try saying that fast!!!!!!!
sir_cumference (out of breath)
PS I hope I put enough long words in for LDuyer!
_________________
CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): swift
Last edited by sir_cumference on Mon Aug 08, 2005 1:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Recap, with edits and more (including plagiarism):
The Titration of Bill Flowers
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By a man who'd like to grow old;
He dons his gear and turns on his heated hose
For without it, the air would blow cold;
The bedroom nightlight had seen strange sights,
But the strangest it ever did see
Was Bill on the bed with a mask on my head
As he tried to remember to breathe.
Now Bill, you know, was from Ontario where the snow falls and blows.
Why he left his home in the North to roam round Florida, everybody knows.
He was always fatigued, but the land of sleep seemed to call him all the day.
And he'd often say in his Canadian way: "I wish I didn't feel this way, eh?"
On a summer's day he was sleeping his way through an appointment with his usual doc.
When asked how he felt, he said he seemed to be under a spell and his life was a great big crock.
If his eyes they closed then the tiredness rose till it washed over him like a wave.
If he had to go far he'd fall asleep in the car and any passengers would have to be brave.
The doc asked "Do you snore? I want to hear more, all about how you sleep."
And Bill answered "Yes. At least I think so, I guess. But I don't hear a peep."
"It's my wife who complains about the refrains that come from my side of the bed."
"And when it gets loud and I start thrashing about then she wacks me over the head."
"Ah," said the doc. "I think I know what you've got, but first I must ask,"
"When you are asleep, and sleeping real deep, do you ever stop breathing and gasp?"
Said Bill: "I don't really know and I can't say so. When I'm asleep I really can't hear."
"But my wife would say since our wedding day that my non-breathing she really does fear."
That's it for now folks. More if an when my dramatically more active mind comes up with it.
The Titration of Bill Flowers
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By a man who'd like to grow old;
He dons his gear and turns on his heated hose
For without it, the air would blow cold;
The bedroom nightlight had seen strange sights,
But the strangest it ever did see
Was Bill on the bed with a mask on my head
As he tried to remember to breathe.
Now Bill, you know, was from Ontario where the snow falls and blows.
Why he left his home in the North to roam round Florida, everybody knows.
He was always fatigued, but the land of sleep seemed to call him all the day.
And he'd often say in his Canadian way: "I wish I didn't feel this way, eh?"
On a summer's day he was sleeping his way through an appointment with his usual doc.
When asked how he felt, he said he seemed to be under a spell and his life was a great big crock.
If his eyes they closed then the tiredness rose till it washed over him like a wave.
If he had to go far he'd fall asleep in the car and any passengers would have to be brave.
The doc asked "Do you snore? I want to hear more, all about how you sleep."
And Bill answered "Yes. At least I think so, I guess. But I don't hear a peep."
"It's my wife who complains about the refrains that come from my side of the bed."
"And when it gets loud and I start thrashing about then she wacks me over the head."
"Ah," said the doc. "I think I know what you've got, but first I must ask,"
"When you are asleep, and sleeping real deep, do you ever stop breathing and gasp?"
Said Bill: "I don't really know and I can't say so. When I'm asleep I really can't hear."
"But my wife would say since our wedding day that my non-breathing she really does fear."
That's it for now folks. More if an when my dramatically more active mind comes up with it.
The CPAPer formerly known as WAFlowers
-
sir_cumference
- Posts: 240
- Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 10:47 am
- Location: UK
"Dainty petals". I'll be sure to pass that one on to the kids (both teens). One of those "dainty petals" is within an inch of my height, 10 pounds heavier and still growing!
The Mrs. thinks I have low tastes in poetry. What does she know? Both my kids took after me in appreciating the stories, with my daughter doing a project on R. Service and "The Cremation ..." in grade school!
Willemina is also cut off at the moment. DSL to our house is down.
Yes, we are Willemina and William. At our wedding the minister asked "William, will you take Willemina?" I had to answer "I will". We had to practice that a few times to say it with a straight face!
The Mrs. thinks I have low tastes in poetry. What does she know? Both my kids took after me in appreciating the stories, with my daughter doing a project on R. Service and "The Cremation ..." in grade school!
Willemina is also cut off at the moment. DSL to our house is down.
Yes, we are Willemina and William. At our wedding the minister asked "William, will you take Willemina?" I had to answer "I will". We had to practice that a few times to say it with a straight face!
The CPAPer formerly known as WAFlowers
-
sir_cumference
- Posts: 240
- Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 10:47 am
- Location: UK
LOL You lot are truly unbelievable - when you have got all your energy back I would love to spend some time with you all - sounds like you would do a great line in laughter therapy!!!
As for not doing dainty ... we have teens, 3 of them - all boys!! 13, 15 & 16! I'm 6 foot, and the 15 and 16 year old tower over me. The 15 year old is 6 ft 5 and built like a tank - and not an ounce of fat on any of them!!! I'm so jealous!
And as for funny names, I had a friend who married a girl called Marigold. At the wedding service he started his vows with 'I marigold' there were only two people in the whole church not laughing, him and the vicar (his father)!
Well we look forward to much more from W & W Flowers in the near future.
sir_cumference (rather rounder than he would like)
As for not doing dainty ... we have teens, 3 of them - all boys!! 13, 15 & 16! I'm 6 foot, and the 15 and 16 year old tower over me. The 15 year old is 6 ft 5 and built like a tank - and not an ounce of fat on any of them!!! I'm so jealous!
And as for funny names, I had a friend who married a girl called Marigold. At the wedding service he started his vows with 'I marigold' there were only two people in the whole church not laughing, him and the vicar (his father)!
Well we look forward to much more from W & W Flowers in the near future.
sir_cumference (rather rounder than he would like)
Party at the Flowers! The pool is between 86 and 88F. We've found a great local sausage maker who has killer brautwurst and unbelievable frankfurters (hot dogs for the uneducated) the old-fashioned way (links tied off with string).sir_cumference wrote:LOL You lot are truly unbelievable - when you have got all your energy back I would love to spend some time with you all - sounds like you would do a great line in laughter therapy!!!
I'll make a few pitchers of Sangria and cool some obscure beers! Anything else is BYOB.
The CPAPer formerly known as WAFlowers
-
sir_cumference
- Posts: 240
- Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2005 10:47 am
- Location: UK
Can you think of any silly meanings for the letters of your mask? How about these silly ones to start you with …
S W I F T
Sleeps Well If For Titration
Slight Whistle Irritate Few Thoroughly
Sounds Will Issue From The (vents)
Several Women Initially Fitted Thoughtlessly
Soggy When Immersed For Titivation
Since When Is Force Therapy?
Safer With Infection Free Tonsils
Sensational Wonderful Immeasurable Fantastic Tremendous (or so Lori would have us believe)
sir_cumference (to CPAP what Willy Wonker is to disposable nappies)
S W I F T
Sleeps Well If For Titration
Slight Whistle Irritate Few Thoroughly
Sounds Will Issue From The (vents)
Several Women Initially Fitted Thoughtlessly
Soggy When Immersed For Titivation
Since When Is Force Therapy?
Safer With Infection Free Tonsils
Sensational Wonderful Immeasurable Fantastic Tremendous (or so Lori would have us believe)
sir_cumference (to CPAP what Willy Wonker is to disposable nappies)
-
Flower51 Terry
Wow I don't check in for a few hours and BAM this place exploses with creativity and laughter!!!!!! So is the party BYOP (bring your own poetry)????
I loved your poem Abraham....and all the rest too!!! My creative well seems to have run dry for now.....my muse is not amusing today.
I can't top William and Wilhemina. We are Gary, Terry, Larry and Moe (well not really...just Gary and Terry)
Oh wait! I feel the seed of a joke coming....
Terry"What's the official name of the "how do you clean your hose and mask?" thread????" Ok...YOU fill in the funny answer...come on...you can do it!!!!!!
I loved your poem Abraham....and all the rest too!!! My creative well seems to have run dry for now.....my muse is not amusing today.
I can't top William and Wilhemina. We are Gary, Terry, Larry and Moe (well not really...just Gary and Terry)
Oh wait! I feel the seed of a joke coming....
Terry"What's the official name of the "how do you clean your hose and mask?" thread????" Ok...YOU fill in the funny answer...come on...you can do it!!!!!!
Any good CPAP jokes?
I just heard the guy who makes Oreck vacum cleaners is making a new cpap machine called the Pop A Snot! Instead of picking up bowling balls like the 8-pound Oreck vacum cleaner,this amazing new cpap unit will clear your sinuses,straighten your teeth,and bloat your stomach with large amounts of air,allowing you to quickly clear crowded elevators and awaken sleeping old men on the back pew in church!!!
Bill Dutton
I ran across this quote and it made me think of all these wonderfully funny things you all have written.
Maybe that ought to be revised to say "long free-breathing sleep" or something.
How about......
Keep up the great poems!
Linda
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. -Irish proverb
Maybe that ought to be revised to say "long free-breathing sleep" or something.
How about......
The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you. -Robert Louis Stevenson, novelist, essayist, and poet (1850-1894)
Keep up the great poems!
Linda