OT: joke

There was a man and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

An elderly man was very ill, and lay in his bed fully expecting to die at any time. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

The smell was so overwhelming that he somehow managed to gather his remaining strength to lift himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, agony, and pain from the excursion, he leaned against the kitchen door frame for rest and gazed into the room. Were it not for his physical pain he would have thought himself already in heaven because there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted as he began to imagine the taste of the wondrous cookies already in his mouth. The thought actually invigorated him, seemingly bringing him back to life. His old and aged hand slowly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she snapped. "They're for the funeral."

A couple has a dog that snores like crazy. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the Vet to see if he can help. The Vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of Red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies, he climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! Thereafter, the woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles Into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we took 1st & 2nd place!

Very funny!!!! Anymore?

I heard a similar song long ago:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvxW4ZxjqaI

---and another one, just sent to DH by a buddy:
The Hypnotist at a Senior Home....

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,
it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket;
a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center. -------- Needless to say, Claude wasn't invited back.