Forget I posted

Nevermind.

I'm sorry you had such a horrible day Jaylee.
You have my symathy that's for sure.
Your such a nice person and have been through so much.
You'll get it back together your a strong women.
Sleep late tomorrow and connect with friends tonight.

I'm sorry your day has been bad. I wish you a nicer day tomorrow and from now on.

You've been missed around here. Please don't be a stranger.

Hi Jaylee, I was so happy to see your name pop up again but sorry to hear about the experience you had. I'm sure you've heard this before but if you allow yourself to relive the past and the pain then he wins and is still abusing you. I know these are just words and it's hard to control those dark thoughts, please try to remember that you're the better person who deserves all the best in life. How about starting one of those funny threads again that goes on for 100 pages?

DoriC wrote:I know these are just words and it's hard to control those dark thoughts, please try to remember that you're the better person who deserves all the best in life.

You are a survivor! There's no looking back or going back. Keep moving forward. Everyday you get further away from the pain and closer to your happiness. You are an inspiration!

Jaylee wrote:I wake up to find that the mail has come and I have a nice letter from my ex husband's lawyer saying that there was some mistake and the divorce didn't actually take. They messed up some paper work. So I am still legally married to that monster.

Check that out with your lawyer. Your ex & his shyster lawyer may be playing games.

Yep, craptastic pretty well says it! Sorry to hear things are not going so well in some areas, like your computer and ear issues. The thought-he-was-my-ex-but-turns-out-he's-not-yet thing would bum anyone out, but you're right, it WILL happen. I understand your unexpected reaction to seeing him.

One time shortly after my ex and I split up, I was walking downtown and about 3 blocks down I saw a black van (like there was only one black van in town ) and I panicked - started running down side streets and cutting down alleys like a crazy women, ducked behind a garage and huddled behind some garbage cans shaking uncontrollably for the longest. Coming out of my hiding place was so scary. When someone has been through that experience, it doesn't take much to take us back there. Getting caught off guard probably greatly increases the impact. I was so angry about being affected like that, but in retrospect, it was the beginning of healing. Up till then I had managed my fear so that others wouldn't feel a need to worry about me, and I had not truely faced just how horrifying an ordeal I had been through. I hope seeing your ex turns out to have some benefit in your experience. Hang in there.

Kathy

..

Ahh, JayLee, I'm sorry. Our reaction to abuse never really goes away; it just lies dormant, waiting for the right stimulus then, pow, back to life. Luckily, it fades over time. Some behaviors we adopt to cope, well, that's the rub, some might not be so healthy long-term and that's a whole 'nother discussion but you my dear are still close to that abuse so this reaction is still shockingly in your face scary, makes ya furious with a fullon adrenaline panic surge followed by the collapse into lethargy afterwards, then on top of it all to find out the divorce isn't final yet...wow. I'm surprised you didn't take to your bed and pull the covers over your head for a few days. Be nice to yourself as you recover!

Speaking of a rub, I think you need a backrub from Cloudy.

Come out, come out where ever you are Dr Cloudy, your nimble touch is needed

HTH

ps. maybe even a footrub a little later

I'm repeatedly amazed at the number of intelligent, aware people who are victims of spouse abuse. Mostly, but not always, women. How do they get hooked up with abusers? And some of the victims make the same choice more than once.

I'm not being critical. Figuring out why they got involved with an abuser would prevent its happening again, and that bit of wisdom ought to bring some comfort.

I'm personally aware of one woman who deliberately chose to hook up with a murderer; she started corresponding with him while he was still in prison. (She was lucky to get away from him via his re-incarceration for parole violation.)

M.D.Hosehead wrote:I'm repeatedly amazed at the number of intelligent, aware people who are victims of spouse abuse. Mostly, but not always, women. How do they get hooked up with abusers? And some of the victims make the same choice more than once.

I'm not being critical. Figuring out why they got involved with an abuser would prevent its happening again, and that bit of wisdom ought to bring some comfort.

I'm personally aware of one woman who deliberately chose to hook up with a murderer; she started corresponding with him while he was still in prison. (She was lucky to get away from him via his re-incarceration for parole violation.)

Because abusers are smart. They start by removing the self esteem and support net works. It is also known as brain washing. Humans are easily tamed and conditioned if they don't pay attention. That is how societies functions with huge under classes of people living shitty lives, it is how organized religion works, you make them think they are responsible for their victimizations. Then you get them to thank you for "looking after them" when they are such "sinners".

Jaylee - You are right, you never forget the abuse (including verbal abuse). Unless of course, the memory assists in forgeting. For that I'm thankful. As previously stated, you are a survivor. Cheers to you!!!

Starlette

BlackSpinner wrote:

M.D.Hosehead wrote:I'm repeatedly amazed at the number of intelligent, aware people who are victims of spouse abuse. Mostly, but not always, women. How do they get hooked up with abusers? And some of the victims make the same choice more than once.

I'm not being critical. Figuring out why they got involved with an abuser would prevent its happening again, and that bit of wisdom ought to bring some comfort.

I'm personally aware of one woman who deliberately chose to hook up with a murderer; she started corresponding with him while he was still in prison. (She was lucky to get away from him via his re-incarceration for parole violation.)

Because abusers are smart. They start by removing the self esteem and support net works. It is also known as brain washing. Humans are easily tamed and conditioned if they don't pay attention. That is how societies functions with huge under classes of people living shitty lives, it is how organized religion works, you make them think they are responsible for their victimizations. Then you get them to thank you for "looking after them" when they are such "sinners".

It's an OT thread, so I guess it's ok to continue my musings.

Granted, abusers are skilled at what they do. But that doesn't explain why some are more susceptible to victimization than others. For example, I suspect some have been physical/emotional abuse victims since childhood, so it feels "normal" to them when the little hints, such as verbal put-downs, begin. IOW, they don't recognize the first clues.

But not all abused spouses were abused children. Sometimes I'm really puzzled at intelligent, competent abuse victims. How did they get into that? The woman I mentioned above is a college graduate professional woman, like Jaylee. She got the murderer's name from a Craig's list personal, and she initiated the correspondence. I don't understand that.

I'm not blaming victims. My point is that if victims figure out why they didn't immediately recognize the first sign, that knowledge might inoculate against a repetition. And actively doing something about having been a victim is what helps victims become survivors.

As I said, just my musings.

Sorry about this truly crappy news.