Apnea and heart break

Hello, I'm new here and glad I found this site...maybe I can meet some people who have shared a similar experience and share them. It may help me accept my situation better knowing I'm not alone, because it feels that way now. I've talked with friends and family about this, but they don't seem to understand...maybe because I show no physical pain, but needles are stuck everywhere inside me.
I guess I should give my story a bit here, hehe...I was diagnosed with sleep apnea about two years ago or so. About three years prior, I had began dating an old friend and things were amazing...until something in me changed. I was utterly exhausted everyday, feeling like I was catching a cold almost every day as well (I'm in Quebec, so it gets pretty cold...hehe). My boss noticed the bags and my depressive attitude, and thought I was always out partying, which I wasn't. Yes, I've been known to come in with an occasional hangover, but c'mon, I didn't have the budget or energy to accomplish such a feat! I barely had the motivation to do ANYTHING. Which began to effect my relationship, namely my libido. I was so in love with him, attracted to him, but just no energy. So the fighting began, he, confused because my words did not match my actions, I, frustrated and confused with myself all the while keeping the depression inside.
So I went to see my doctor, because I had bouts of depression in my teenage years, and was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I was hoping maybe just maybe I was lapsing, maybe I was simply depressed, and not knowing my family's history, aside from my mom committing suicide, I couldn't be sure if I had a problem. Upon seeing my doctor, we decided to stop my birth control and see if that was the source. After about a week or so off the pills, I felt a bit better, but still exhausted. The fighting got worse, and although my boyfriend wasn't the romantic type, the random "I love yous" and kisses and hugs began to dwindle, and just turned into a cyclone of issues.
This went on for about three years of our relationship until he noticed I grinded my teeth...so I did some research and booked an appointment for a sleep study at a hospital, the wait would be a year. However, during this year, he noticed me stopping my breath when I slept, and by chance at a dentist appointment I had, I found out my dentist was researching sleep apnea and he gave me information about the condition. But it quickly got to a point I was losing my mind, so I booked a home study because I couldn't wait any longer. Turned out I stopped breathing on average fourteen times an hour, my heart rate would go down to 45 bpm to 116 bpm!
So I got my CPAP machine and that first night with it I remember thinking how happy I was I may feel like myself soon enough, but sad that I can never sleep "normal" again. But, much to my surprise, and my doctors at the sleep clinic, I took to the machine really fast. I used it every night, still do, and have no issues with using the machine...I don't know what I'd do without it - honestly, I'd probably become suicidal is I had continued in the state I was in.
However, the machine did not cure our issues. They had blown up so much that even though I could think clearly again, I had a severe mental block from all the fighting. As did he, from the lack of intimacy, which I completely understand. He felt unwanted, unattractive, and I, useless, still confused, yet at this point there was little or no affection coming from him, so it was hard for both of us to "wake up." So, despite me getting help, out relationship continued to deteriorate.
I do want to point out that despite our problems and fighting, he was very supportive and loving...it was so confusing, I find a hard time finding the words. All I can say is I loved him, and felt so lost.
Which brings to me why I'm here spilling my guts out...it's coming up to the year anniversary that my life essentially fell apart. Last May, my grandmother who I raised me passed away and I arrived at the hospital only to see her corpse. This was the last way I ever expected to see her, and was a tremendous blow, which I think, as I'm writing this now I suppressed more than I should have because I know death is death. Nothing you can do about it, and she had lived a long life. The following month, my boyfriend and I had one final bad fight, and he decided he couldn't continue the relationship. I felt so alone...but I coped. Then in July (a month after the break up), my friends took me on an amazing hiking/camping trip which I should mention to my pleasant surprise, my sleep apnea did not ruin. This really helped relax me, and put things in perspective - until I got reception on my cell on the way back only to receive a message that my uncle, who also raised me was in the hospital - his cancer was flaring up again, and it didn't look good. I was spinning. How can all this happen in three months?! And to boot, I was worried I was pregnant, since I hadn't had my period for two months...but at least that turned out to be false...just stress. For the record, my uncle is doing ok now, they don't know how many years he has left as tumor is forming on the other side of his brain where others have been removed. They call him "the miracle patient" because he's lived twelve years more than they thought he would!
All of that to say, on May 6th it's be a year since all this went down, and I find myself still crying myself to sleep at night, not sure what to do. I should be over this by now! I've been through worse...not all at once like that, but I feel weak. And although the machine helps tremendously, I don't quite feel as strong as I used to. Maybe working in physical labor makes me more tired and less energetic...can't be sure. I know there was nothing I could have done for my grandma or uncle, but despite my best efforts, I miss my ex so much. We're still good friends, always have been, always will be...we've ssen mutual friends' relationships get to the point of break up where they can't be in the same room together, and we wanted to avoid that. But I just wish I woke up earlier, wish I saw things for what they were. I've never been stuck on someone like this, he was the love of my life, and I blew it.
So there's my story, like I said I've shared this so that maybe some of you out there have gone through something similar...it would be nice to know I'm not crazy. I'm just hurt, angry...a ball of emotions, all the while trying to keep happy and cool and focus on what can bring me joy, and maybe this forum could help. I've talked to people about it, but I get the impression they don't take it seriously because I don't have physical scars...I'm not in kemo therapy, I don't have a cast...I just feel so alone sometimes, then again, been like that most of my life having grown up with WWII grandparents with the "suck it up" attitude and being bullied without friends in high school...so I guess yea, that has an impact. But don't get me wrong - I'm not playing a violin for myself here - I'm proud of what I've been through and have come out decent. The older I get, the harder my edges become, but I'm glad I'm not desperate for love or on the streets.
Finally, I just want to say for anyone who reads this, if you know someone who is exhibiting moods as I was, please stick with them and know they're not them right now. I know how hard it is to see someone you love seem so cold and lovless - I do. My father was an alcoholic, so I can relate. But if they know they're not right, and want help, please stay with them...it sounds cheesy, but love will help them get through and embrace the help and steps that ensue. Some relationships may be complex than others, but please don't let a disorder beyond your control take control of you relationship. It's too late for me, but maybe my story can help. I'd do anything to have another chance with him, but I respect his wishes, and hope i can overcome my fears of having sleep apnea preventing me from falling in love again - not that I'm down on myself, I just don't want to lose control of my emotions again, and hurt someone else. Because, you guys, I really really loved him.

I'm not clear from your post: did your doctor prescribe anti-depressants? I strongly recommend that you have that conversation with him/her and see if there is something that might help you get your emotions under control. If you've never taken anti-depressants before, I can tell you from my experience that while they are no miracle and do not take your problems away, they take the edge off, as it were, and give you the willingness to do all the things you need to do for yourself to start feeling better. Avoiding, for instance, social situations where you might see your ex-boyfriend until you are feeling stronger. I respect your wish to remain friends with him, but your mental health comes first and I believe that seeing him in any aspect during this fragile time can only hurt you.

Secondly, I'd supplement the anti-depressants with doing some work with a therapist. A very popular form of therapy nowadays is behavioral therapy. You don't necessarily have to go back and rehash your entire childhood (although that might be necessary in your case... that's something you and your therapist could discuss) but you learn skills that help you TODAY. You learn to recognize the signs that you are going down, and you learn behaviors to stop it and get back on course.

It may be that sleep apnea initiated some of these emotions and problems, but no matter what started it, you now need help to get out of it. Do you understand what I'm saying? You must seek help. Your post broke MY heart just reading it. You are in the kind of pain that needs to be knocked down with the help of medication and/or a good therapist.

I know that the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now and it sounds like you are associating much of it to your break up. Just know that being in love with someone can be an incredibly difficult experience for someone with a troubled past. The human mind is amazing in that it can fool us into believing that the root of our problems is "A", when in fact our brain is protecting us from even greater pain and hiding the fact that it's "L" that has been triggered from many years ago and has emerged to stay until it is dealt with fully. You will need a professional to help you sift through it all.

Best wishes to you.

I think Sireneh gave you sound advice and I hope you will take it. Reading your post broke my heart too; you have really had a rough go of it. It often seems there are periods in our lives when everything happens at once and it can just be too much to handle. I am wishing you the best.

Please listen to the excellent advice Sireneh gave you. The past can't be changed but you do have a future. Make the most of it...seek help.

Thanks Honestly it looks worse than it is in black and white - it's hard to convey things in words without the benefit of my expression or tone going into it...I tried anti-depressants back in the day, and had horrible reactions to the side effects. I can honestly say I'm not depressed- I don't want to be. I'm in the state of mind enough to realize the extent of what I've been through, and like I said in my initial post, have been through worse...I don't want to make this post as long as my last, but I was just looking for anyone whose love life may have been affected by sleep apnea - just good to know I'm not alone in this scenerio, know what I mean? Obviously, not as concise...hehe!
I may consider therapy one day only if it addresses the main problem I have now - which is pretty much spite against this disorder that took me over and stole years of my life. Other than that, I can and will manage. Again, in black and white, it may seem odd or unbelievable, but my ex is probably the only person who gets it, however, I know I should not and will not go to him for compassion, or what have you. I am currently avoiding him as much as I can, yet we have many mutual friends which bring us together in engagements, but we keep our distance...I can honestly say we have a rare thing, hehe - some friends are in denial we broke up because we're just trying to keep everything chill.
I really just wanted to vent, and hear from like minds...thank you for replying and listening via the internet world

BUT you don't say how the apnea and CPAP therapy are going now. Maybe you're slipping a bit and need a pressure adjustment? Or a new mask that might fit even better? What brand and model CPAP do you have? Is it fully data capable? Do you have access to your data or can your local DME provider do a full download of your data to see if that gives any indication of any minor or major problems? Or is your PAP capable of only compliance data?

I know how you feel. In Feb. my 8 month old grandson died. He was born with heart and lung problems, but he had 2 surgeries on his lungs that turned out better than we had hoped for and just needed one last surgery to fix his heart. This was a blow to us all. One week later my partner of 20 years ( after 20 years of being together I considered him my husband) and I spilt up. Then a few weeks ago my son ended up in ICU and was in the hospital for over a week. It has been very stressful and trying these past few months to say the least. It seemed that through this time my cpap therapy was also suffering. My leak rate went up and my quality of sleep took a nose dive. If it wasn't for family and friends I don't know how I would have made it through. My cpap therapy is finally returning to normal and I am feeling better about life. Hang in there it will improve and as others have suggested it might be helpful to think about getting some therapy to help you through this.

rosie

Hi,

I would like to point out a very real fact, often repeated by my doctors and doctors of friends who are in meds for depression. A regular exercise regime often works better than the anti-depressants, especially when combined with positive psychotherapy from a proficient councellor.

There are several body weight only work outs that can be done 2 to 3 times a day for 5 to 15 minutes each session, 5 to 6 days a week, that will, according to doctors my friends and I have discussed this with, provide better results than anti-depressants. This is just sharing info provided to us and not medical advise at all, etc. etc. etc. but I thought it should be shared since it is a studied fact. I'll include some generic links for you to review and will try not to promote any one belief or system within them but I thought it would help to give you the scoop on that side of things.

About myself, since this is my first post. I'm just another newbie here trying to find community support for my apnea, etc. I have been struggling with apnea for years but just a little over a year ago got put on the cpap. I'm a disabled veteran and the va doctors are generally slow to provide any thing that costs money due to budget issues and that's the only medical I have, state run medical. I lost part of the power cord to my machine on a trip so I was off the machine for several months. The va didn't respond to my phone message about losing the cord. But I recently found a piece at a flea market that would fit the converter and now I'm back in business and hoping to find support.

I hope my first post being an attempt to share information is ok. I didn't see anything on the rules against it so I hope it is.

Blessings and here are the links for anyone who's interested in exercise as an alternative to medicines:

http://www.bu.edu/today/node/10817
http://extrahappiness.com/happiness/?p=4218
http://www.crisiscounseling.com/Article ... herapy.htm
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/artic ... veals.html
http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/mindan ... isedep.htm
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-tian-d ... 06683.html

Exercise is a very effective therapy in the treatment of mild to moderate depression. And, in the case of severe depression, I would put exercise in the category of one of the things you do to help yourself feel better with the help of anti-depressants. That is to say, with severe depression you can take anti-depressants and then you are inclined to take better care of yourself. Taking a walk outside every day, for instance, and getting some sun and fresh air. Wonderful therapy but it can be an overwhelming idea for someone who is severely depressed.

This is probably getting OT now, as the OP has said she doesn't believe she is depressed. And just to comment on THAT: people who are depressed are often the last ones to notice. It's not my intention here to INSIST that you are depressed. I would just hate to have you dismiss or overlook the possibility, that's all. This may give you something more to think about: http://www.survivingdepression.net/mainmenu/test.html

I have to defend anti-depressants because I know there are those who see them as kind of a cop-out. I was against them for many years myself and I regret that now because I could have been on the road to recovery much, much sooner. I feel that I wasted a big chunk of my life fighting an uphill battle because of an unfounded bias against "drugs."

I have Type I diabetes and if I don't take my insulin I will eventually die. My pancreas simply stopped functioning and there's nothing I can do about that. My body doesn't work the same way everyone else's does. It's the same way with my brain. It doesn't have the capacity to receive serotonin like a "normal" brain does and there's nothing I can do about that. I've put tremendous emphasis on this area of my life and I have tried everything and finally resorted to anti-depressants when making my way up the stairs became an enormous task a few years ago and I had to do something. Now, I still take the medication but I do a lot of other things to help myself and my mental health is great.

I'm off on a tangent now. Just wanted to put in my 2 cents about anti-depressants lest anyone should think I am recommending them on a whim. Some of us need them as much as a diabetic needs his insulin.

Apneazombie, you used words like "confused", "frustrated", and "lost" in your original post. I beg your pardon, but I don't think I'm missing anything here, and I don't think your expression or tone of voice would lessen the impact of those words. You mentioned that your mother committed suicide, you lost your beloved grandmother and I got the feeling that not being there when she died is something you feel remorseful about. You've given us a glimpse of your personal history and I believe you may have done that for a reason. I'd be less concerned about your family history regarding sleep apnea and more interested in what's gone on in terms of mental illness. (I categorize myself as having a mental illness because of depression even though I feel great, so I hope that doesn't come across as insulting.)

Being tired all the time will take a toll on one's relationship, of course it will. I just think that what you are describing is more than just being tired. Please, if others reading this disagree with me, correct me because I have only my own experiences and beliefs to go on.

If you really think that your story here is about sleep apnea and the exhaustion that goes along with it, well, only you can know that for sure. I would just respectfully ask you to consider other possibilities. What you have described is not what I experienced and believe me, being tired all the time has put a rift between my husband and I on occasion, especially since I have not always been able to pull my weight around here in terms of taking care of the house. I have not been affected in a way that's anything like you describe, however, so I don't know if it can all be attributed to sleep apnea.

First let me say I simply consider all of this to be nothing more than a friendly discussion with everyone in a manner which I am sure we all hope help the original poster (apeazombie) feel a base of support and community good will. I did not let the fact that I am a new member deter me from offering information, based of my own experiences, in response to these posts. I hope this is not offensive to anyone.

My post was simply to point out the alternatives that are very often over looked in our fast paced increasingly global society in an effort to find a "quick easy fix", which often is inaccurately advertised in the form of a pill.

I would like to say I am not trying to start an OT debate or discussion about depression. But since depression is one very real symptom of apnea, it's not completely off topic.

However, anti-depressant MEDICATIONS was the VERY first response to this post. This compelled me to also offer information on the very real alternative of physical exercise, where possible and to offer links that discuss the topic of exercise versus medication. One even discusses the option of using both medication and exercise to compliment each other.

I personally feel that we, as a global society, are all to eager to embrace medication and drugs as a solution right off the bat when (I believe) it should be nothing more than a last resort. My response was simply an offering of valid options. The quick jump to suggest "discuss with your doctor about medications" seemed to me to leave out viable, equally effective alternatives. While this can be a very good suggestion, I wanted to provide information on other options. That's all.

There are valid cases of depression that will require medication, however some one who is validly experiencing severe depression will not benefit from the commonly accepted medications alone. The vast majority of the most common cases of depression (please note the qualifiers) can be eliminated by exercise alone, Some of which may require a complete lifestyle change which will include weight loss, etc. (not as easy as it might seem at first glance). Some cases need medication to start, and a few cases may need medication for life.

Depression is rarely fixed quickly or easily. Getting into a well maintained healthy activity intensive lifestyle is not easy for many, and is impossible for others (disabled, quadriplegics, etc). But when possible, if it can help then there is no shame in offering the information.

Again, If this offended anyone, I do apologize. I was merely trying to offer valid, viable alternatives (with linked information to show the validity of such considerations)

I haven't been on the board as much lately.....I, apparently, am dealing with similar issues. I'm a bit shell shocked.
I am finding that my problems with sleep apnea, and a couple of other things are basically held against me. It's as if I've wasted someone's time while I was busy being unwell....bc I couldn't "talk myself out of it", or just become "better" by sheer will.
Perhaps if I had something more tangible--as you say, with visible scars--that maybe I'd have support and understanding instead of avoidance,dismissal and dismay raining down on me.

I am in no place to offer advice, but offer an ear or shoulder....feel free to message me if you need to vent. My vent has been shut....apparently 'venting' is not worthy of support where I am, it's just a downer....

apneazombie wrote:so I did some research and booked an appointment for a sleep study at a hospital, the wait would be a year.

SnoozyQ wrote:I haven't been on the board as much lately.....I, apparently, am dealing with similar issues. I'm a bit shell shocked.
I am finding that my problems with sleep apnea, and a couple of other things are basically held against me. It's as if I've wasted someone's time while I was busy being unwell....bc I couldn't "talk myself out of it", or just become "better" by sheer will.
Perhaps if I had something more tangible--as you say, with visible scars--that maybe I'd have support and understanding instead of avoidance,dismissal and dismay raining down on me.

I am in no place to offer advice, but offer an ear or shoulder....feel free to message me if you need to vent. My vent has been shut....apparently 'venting' is not worthy of support where I am, it's just a downer....

wow. I feel bad for you. Support is critical.

I tend to vent my frustrations as well and those around me do try to provide an ear but it's hard when they don't undersand. Because I've been going through my own problems for such an extended period of time I try to not be a "constant complainer" but I do have to vent frustration from time to time and I am working on being more positive. The cpap is definitiely helping, along with time released vitamin b and other measures I'm using but I am a work in progress.

I hope we can all find support, regardless of any difference of opinions and differences of experiences.

Hello again, thanks for all your feedback Flanmaster, I agree with you about running to medication - I think I mentioned in my post that I had tried anti-depressants when I was younger, and the side effects caused more misery than the depression! But, as it turned out, I simply had Seasonal Affective Disorder, which was easily remedied by a sun lamp I purchased a year ago because it caught me off guard and it works like a charm...it helps even on days I just need a pick me up or run out of coffee, hehe!
For the record, I am ok. It's just with the year anniversary coming up next week, I guess supressed emotions are coming out...I'm not one to cry in front of my friends, or burden them with my problems...like I said I grew up with a "suck it up" attitude, and it's hard to shake.
As for the CPAP, it works fine...I did have issues awhile back, but all I needed was a new strap for my mask.
SnoozyQ hit the nail on the head for me...I'm sorry you had to go through that also, and thanks for sharing - although sad, it is reassuring that I haven't been the only when who has been caught in the tentacles of apnea without someone patiently holding a fish hook I can grab and hold on to, and come out for air. Trust me, I have talked to a few friends maybe at nausea at how ashamed I am in myself for letting this get the better of me...but they simply don't understand like some of you may, and at this point, that's what I need.
Right now I have a friend who suspects her boyfriend has apnea, he snores horribly and has asthma, and it's driving her to the point of leaving him...I keep telling her to stay strong and try to help him, but he refuses to go to a sleep clinic - it's an annoying cycle - he's cranky, depressed, making her miserable all the while she's trying to help and his moods just jade him into thinking he doesn't need to check it out. I'm glad I wasn't that stubborn, I'm just sad I couldn't "suck it up" a bit better...then again, I couldn't help it.
Thanks again for all your input!

apneazombie & snoozyq, please check your PMs.