Dreading bedtime on night 4 of CPAP

physical activity during the day: I'm pretty active, but would love to have the time to be more organized about it. I do regularly walk into campus from a parking spot by a park that's about 1/2 of mile from my office. I try to take the stairs instead of the elevator most of the time. Wish I had more time for biking---oh I want a bike ride so bad right now. And I really need to get back into doing yoga. Yoga got dropped by the wayside last year when we hosted two female AFS students who kept us running to the mall, the movies, the coffee shop, etc, but wouldn't go to bed at a reasonable hour and wouldn't take a bike ride.

Re glasses: I've tried the slide them under trick too, and it's very uncomfortable. The thing about being very near sighted and extremely dependent on your glasses is that you actually get really picky about how they're fitting since they are on your head for so much of the day. When they're not sitting right on your nose and ears, things start to hurt after several hours. When I try to put the glasses' stems under the FX, the FX causes them to pinch the backs of my ears and they kind of also press against my head right in front of my ears, which is really annoying. When I try to put them over the FX, the FX causes them to pull my ears away from my head OR the glasses sit crooked on my nose.

Also, I'm half afraid that "practicing" with the CPAP will actually make my brain draw an even stronger association that it already has between "CPAP on" and "it's time to be AWAKE." Because of my long history of insomnia, I need to make sure that my brain learns to associate the CPAP with SLEEPING and not activities that I do when I'm awake. To give you a silly, but relevant example, I don't even change into my PJs until I'm physically ready to climb into bed because if I'm lounging around in PJs all evening, then obviously, being in PJs means its time to be AWAKE.

Robysue,

The important thing is that even when all was going bad, you put on the CPAP and (eventually) went to sleep. That's what it's all about--sticking with it even when it's a bad night.

There's going to be good nights, and there's going to be bad nights. At first, there will be a lot of bad nights, but eventually there will be fewer.

It takes dedicated work to eliminate the annoyances, so that some day soon you can put on your mask and just go to sleep. It will happen, hang in there!

singing.....lullaby....and good night.....go to sleep now and sleep tight....close your eyes....start to yawn......

sleep tight little buddy

Junebug999 wrote:sleep tight little buddy

You too, Skipper.

I just had a flashback to Gilligan's Island.

oh robysue, i see your problem. you can't just cancel the classes. sorry i didn't catch that before (sleep deprivation). well then the columbus weekend will be a nice spot for you....give you a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to....i'm concerned...you are so far away and you're up so late...i think i sang you a lullaby (i'm getting punchy too) but that was on one of the other threads.....maybe i should sing again?

lullaby....and good night....go to sleep now and sleep tight.....

i used to sing the christmas song as a lullaby to my son when he was a baby....here goes...

"yule tide carols being sung by a fire....and folks dressed up like eskimos......everybody knows, some turkey and some mistletoe....help to make the season bright....tiny tots, with their eyes all alow"

what's that? cease and desist??? well my son used to like it ...being a baby he didn't care if it was july and i was singing christmas song...

junebug,

Judging by the time stamp on your lullaby post, it worked. That's just a bit before I actually fell asleep last night. *thanks*

Short story for night 4: By the time I took a shower, did some (light) yoga and some (serious) deep breathing, I was ready to call it a night by around 3:30AM. Once I put the mask on, I had a bit of trouble getting comfortable, but no where near as much as I had on nights 1--3 (especially night 3). I fell asleep in my more typical time frame of about 40 minutes or so. Woke up several times due to various things, including some small leaks that happened when I managed to (unconsciously) find a position to sleep with my nose almost down in my pillow the way I want to sleep. Dear hubby let me sleep until 8:30---he got up and got our current exchange students off to school and made me coffee. Not feeling particularly rested, but I'm also not feeling like I was fighting for sleep all night either. Dreams? Last night, I'm not sure I dreamed at all---i.e. I feel the way I do when I don't get much REM sleep, which is different than the way I feel when I get my usual healthy quota of REM but simply don't remember anything specific about my dreams. So overall, much much better than night 3, but not as good as a typical pre-CPAP night by a long shot. Still, I never expected this would be an easy transition and I'm determined to put the necessary work into it simply because I don't want to develop all the symptoms of untreated apnea that most of the posters here talk about having in their pre-diagnosis days.

Will head out to the office shortly for office hours and getting ready for my 11:00 class (not a big deal since I've been teaching Calc II for close to 30 years now). Today is a long, long day: I won't get home until 9:30 PM because of a gifted math class I teach at UB on MW evenings. So there won't be any chances for daytime naps today to mess with my insomnia when I go to bed tonight.

Robysue, I and others have also gone thorough what you are now experiencing.

Sleep loss due to the initial discomfort of xpap is pretty common. And the vicious circle of poor sleep, leading to apprehension about going to bed, resulting in even worse sleep can make you miserable and affect your daily functioning. Eventually, most of us adapt to the equipment and start to sleep better. "Eventually", however, can seem like a long period of feeling worse than you did before you started xpap.


Just a suggestion about how to use sedation to get over the hump. Only take a sedative on a night after one bad night. That way:
-when you have a bad night, you can be assured all the next day that the next night will be better.
-your daytime function will improve because you will not experience two bad nights in a row.
-you will be using sedation at maximum of every other night.
-you will automatically not use sedation unless you really need it.

I know you reported family members have had problems with sedatives. You haven't said what those problems were, however, their circumstances may not be comparable to yours, and further, not all sedatives are the same. Sonata has seemed to have the least effect on sleep architecture.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaleplon

Sonata and the other "Z-drugs" seem to be safer than older sedatives.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Z-drug

(edited to remove a duplicate sentence)

There's going to be good nights, and there's going to be bad nights. At first, there will be a lot of bad nights, but eventually there will be fewer.

In my intellectual mind, I know this to be true.

In my intellectual mind, I know that nights 1--4 have all been "Good" in the senses that (1) I (eventually) did fall asleep with the mask on and kept in on until I woke up for good in the morning and (2) treatment seems to be effective in that my AHI has dropped from 23.4 in my baseline study to a max of 1.0 on night 4.

But boy am I looking forward to the first night that my body physically feels like it was a "good night" instead of a mediocre night---which is how I would classify how I feel this morning and how I felt after nights 1 and 2.

All in all, I'm really glad that I was able to get a full data machine: If I didn't know my AHI had actually dropped to 0.5, 0.3, 0.3, and 1.0 on nights 1--4 respectively, I'm sure it would be much more difficult to convince myself that this is worth all the trouble and stick with the treatment. God I'm glad that I didn't listen to the first couple of DMEs who told me all I needed was a compliance-only machine and that my insurance wouldn't allow them to bump it up to a full data machine anyway ...

Since you practice meditation and yoga you can try adding affirmations about cpap to your evening routine. Things like "My mask helps me breathe easily" "I sleep deeply and safely with my mask on" and "I love sleeping with my cpap machine and mask"

Also remember it may take your sleeping brain up to a month to accept that it is safe to sleep deeply again. For years it has been keeping you alive by waking you up when you stop breathing - appreciate its work for you and let it know it is now safe to sleep.

So I am new to the whole CPAP thing and your story sounds exactly like mine..

I have odd dreams and am having a hard time adjusting.. I know the machine is a good thing for me to get used to and that I need it for long term health reasons, but it's not been a smooth transition.. the adjusting is taking quite a bit longer than I had assumed it would..

My main issue sounds similar to yours.. I dread going to bed.. This is a radical departure from my previous stance on the issue.. I used to love going to bed.. Nothing better than snuggling up next to my wife, smelling her.. smelling my pillow.. getting comfy snuggly warm and going to sleep.. I dream constantly and always can recall my dreams upon waking, so that was something fun.. (I'm told I'm a minority here.. most people don't dream that much nor can they remember.. *shrug*)

This doesn't happen now.. I can't smell anything with the mask on, which oddly enough was a huge part of my ritual before.. And getting comfortable is extremely tough.. Plus my dreams are going from odd/quirky/fun/funny to dark and disturbing..

And that's when I can actually get to sleep.. lately with the mask on I just lay there.. wide awake.. The night before last I went to bed at 11:30 and was still awake at 3am.. For some reason, the mask seems to wake me up completely.. I mean this thing works better than a cup of coffee.. I know its all mental and I just need to get over it, but its tough..

I have yet to throw the thing across the room, but I have had a couple of nights where at 2 or 3 am I just took the mask off because I knew I had to be up for work in a couple hours and needed some kind of sleep..

It's a long haul solution for me.. I know I need it and I refuse to let this beat me, but its tough.. At this point I'm seriously hoping things get better..

Last night was the first night that I actually slept the whole night with it on.. I went to bed at midnight, fell asleep around 2 and kept it on until 7am when I got up.. I remember waking up twice during the night due to being uncomfortable, and I was very tired this morning..

While I see that as a minor victory (I didn't take it off in the middle of the night), I was so tired and sore this morning that my victory was hollow at best..

another thing that helped me because I had such an awful time with it, was telling myself that
"its okay, just relax, and let the machine breath FOR you"
Let it breath for YOU
Let it breath for YOU..

even though the cpap isnt a ventilator, I was able to tell myself to let go, and "let it breath for me."

I dont know what daytime breathing issues you may have had before this, but it helped my subconcious to let go and accept it.

Everyone told me that the apap was my new best friend, so that is what I came up with to try to stop fighting it..

I have no problems putting on my apap or wearing it, or sleeping with it,

( I just have problems with how I feel in the morning after I wear it.)

Palamedes,

It's good to know that there's someone else who pre-CPAP had no trouble dreaming and remembering dreams and had good, pleasant dreams most of the time who is finding out that dreaming is now a problem. Last night I don't think I really got into REM sleep. It's not just that I don't remember any dreams, but rather I don't have the sensation of having dreamed. On most mornings pre-CPAP I'd wake up knowing I had dreamed even if I didn't remember anything specific about the dreams. We do seem to be in the minority here. I also would wake up most days feeling rested and not sleep deprived, though I admit I would not feel truly refreshed and bright-eyed and bushy tailed. But the last four days, I've woken up exhausted due to lack of time spent asleep. The CPAP may say my sleep is much higher in quality (and I won't argue about the reduction in apnea/hypopnea events), but my total sleep time is currently much lower than what I need to function long-term.

I also can identify with your comments about smell: I can't smell anything with the mask on either and I miss that. The smell of my spouse and the pillows and the covers was (big) part of what made me feel safe and warm and loved and relaxed enough to go to sleep in a timely fashion. I also liked to pull the covers up over my head (my hubby would say I was making a "robin nest"), and I can't do that anymore either.

The night before last I went to bed at 11:30 and was still awake at 3am..

Part of why I was still up at 3:00AM last night was that I saw no sense in going to bed at 11:30 only to lie wide awake getting more and more stressed out about not sleeping for several hours. Part of my insomnia management over the course of many decades has been: I don't go to bed if I know I won't be able to get to sleep in some kind of reasonable time frame (for me, that's about 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours max) and if I find myself lying in bed for more than 2 hours without being able to get to sleep, I get out of bed and do something in a different room until I start to feel sleepy. And after a bad night (insomnia-wise), I do my utmost best to NOT take any naps or even lie down during the day so that my sleep cycle doesn't get anymore messed up than it already is. Yeah, it makes for a zombie day, but a nap simply starts the "I can't get to sleep at a reasonable hour" cycle all over again.

For some reason, the mask seems to wake me up completely.. I mean this thing works better than a cup of coffee.. I know its all mental and I just need to get over it, but its tough..

I can so identify with this: My mask seems to wake me up completely too, and between midnight (my usual pre-CPAP bedtime) and 2 AM, it feels like a double shot of strong expresso. And it feels like the mask wants to throw me onto my back and I don't like sleeping on my back.''

I think some of my current problems are grief-related: I honestly think I'm grieving the loss of my old, comfortable way of getting to sleep and that's part (maybe a major part) of why the process of putting on the mask triggers my brain going to a WIDE AWAKE setting.

Here's hoping that both you and I can (eventually) train our brains to associate "put CPAP mask on" with "time to be sleepy" instead of "time to be awake."

elena88 wrote

another thing that helped me because I had such an awful time with it, was telling myself that
"its okay, just relax, and let the machine breath FOR you"
Let it breath for YOU
Let it breath for YOU..

even though the cpap isnt a ventilator, I was able to tell myself to let go, and "let it breath for me."

I'm glad this worked for you elena88, but it will not work for me: Indeed, this touches on one of the things that's creeping me out for several emotional reasons.

First (the trivial reason), the ventilator-type noise that my exhaust flow makes when it hits my covers or my pillow or my arm is disturbing to me. I don't like noise in the bedroom at night and this noise sounds like the neigbhors' A/C unit (which is right out side our window) has moved into the bed with me. This is the time of year when the neighbors finally turn their dang A/C off and our bedroom gets nice and quiet at night and I (pre-CPAP) could get to sleep without listening to it blow all night long ...

Second, real ventilators (and the need for a machine to really do the breathing for you) have some serious bad memories for me. Fifteen years ago my husband was involved in a serious head-on crash. While his injuries were largely confined to broken limbs, he was on a ventilator for "pressure support" for several days because his lung was punctured, but not collapsed. I was never more happy than when he came off that vent. More significantly however, was the death of my mother eighteen years ago: She had lung cancer that had metastasized to her spine. I was eight months pregnant and living 600 miles away from my parents when she caught pneumonia and her lungs failed her. She was put on a ventilator in an attempt to stabilizer her, but by the end of the week, with her condition continuing to worsen, she made the conscious decision to be taken off the ventilator even though it would result in her certain death. I'm told she died awake and in my father's arms about 10 minutes after the ventilator was removed.

So thinking "Let the machine breathe for me" is not comforting in the least.

robysue...your quote.. As I said before, I'm a college professor and classes are in session. So taking personal time is difficult unless it's something truly trivial like a really bad head cold or you're running a fever and you'll only miss one day of classes or truly serious where you're hospitialized and physically can't get to class for an extended period of several weeks or months. The middle cases, like this, are more difficult: You can't simply call the secretary and have her cancel your classes for a whole week (or two)---somebody's got to cover them. And if you're not in the hospital or seriously ill with an infectious disease---i.e. if you can physically get to campus without exposing others to an infectious disease, you're supposed to find the subs, who are usually other faculty members in your department, and provide them with your lesson plans. And that's as much or more stress for me than just teaching my own classes anyway."

Shouldn't you be in school teaching???

Shouldn't you be in school teaching???

Unlike a high school teacher, we're not in class all day. I teach four classes on Mondays at 11:00-11:50, 12:12:50, 3:00-4:15, and 6:15-8:45 pm. I'm technically on my "lunch break" and "office hours" Sitting in my office with the door open, but no students have stopped by. My 3:00 class is more or less prepared for and I'll use the break between it and the 6:15 to get ready for the 6:15 class. Most of my grading is done on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I don't have any classes.