Ridiculous quotes and deeds by doctors and DMEs

Let's start a thread of ridiculous/idiotic/hilarious things that doctors or DMEs have said or done.

To be fair, try to be as exact as accurate as possible.

Brain Cloud, would you like to start us out?

Me: Doc, have there been improvements or advancements in machines or treatments in the last few years?

Doc: "Nope, air pressure is air pressure."

Following weeks of pneumonia, outta work & then part-time back at work, with the previous 6 wks of eating almost nothing but fruit & pasta, my bloodwork for post-pneumonia comes back & I'm discussing results at an appt.

Doc: Your AIC is 7...you're diabetic.
Me: 40% of the A1C is what you've been eating for the preceding month or so and my diet's been 90% carbohydrate, so I'd expect to see a high A1C. I see my fasting is 105, how can I be diabetic? I'm been glucose intolerant for years and usually don't eat much carbohydrate...in fact, I think my fasting is lower than it was in my last tests.
Doc: Your AIC is 7 and that means you're diabetic.

This being the doc who missed my apnea on at least 5 visits.

Me: I really want to switch out my Remstar Plus for a machine that is data-capable.

DME: What do you mean by data-capable?

Me: I want to be able to see my AHI, leak rate, etc.

DME: There is no such machine. The only machines that do that are ventilators used only in hospital settings.

**I swear. It's true.

Jeanette

My relative (let's call him Henry), went to a new sleep doctor and asked questions I told him to ask:

Me: What did the doctor say about your leak rate? (i.e., 50+ with nasal pillows)
Henry: He said it would be one thing if it was 150, but this is fine.
Me: What is his treatment plan for you? (Henry is falling asleep every time he sits still)
Henry: He said I should sleep more and eat less.
Me: What did the doctor say about giving you an Auto-Pap to replace your CPAP?
Henry: He explained to me that an Auto-Pap is only for certain conditions, which I don't have, and that it would be very disruptive to my sleep. He drew a graph showing me exactly why it would be bad for me. He is SO intelligent.

RT: You can pick your mask up at the front desk.
Me: Don't you want to fit it on me?
RT: You know more than I do.

1.
Me: I would like to have a machine that is data capable.

Doc: Why do you want that? The information the machine collects is not reliable and is useless.

2.
Me: I'm having trouble with mouth leaks and would like to try a hybrid mask.

DME: You can't get a hybrid mask without having a new sleep study to determine what pressure setting you need with a mask that covers more area. However, we do have full face masks that you can try.

Me: (walked away scratching my head wondering in what universe that logic made sense.)

Me after several office visits and getting worse daily: I'd like to have a data capable machine.
Doc: Why? It's just a bunch of numbers and you wouldn't understand them anyway.

Me: Doc, I feel like I'm suffocating.
Doc: You'll get used to it.

Me: Doc, I must wake up 20 times a night.
Doc: Just hit the ramp every time you wake up to help you fall back asleep.
Me thinking later: 20 x 30 min ramp = 10 hours. Shoot, I only stay in bed 5 or 6. When was I getting my prescribed pressure??!!??!!

Me: I think I need another size pillows for my Breeze.
RT, with pillows in hand: That will be $62, how will you be paying?
Me: I won't. (and leaves to order them on cpap.com for $18.)
fastforward a while and the DME calls me to see if I need supplies...
Me: I can't afford your supplies. (and relays incident)
DME: That was the insurance rate. She should have given you the cash rate.

-

Me: Can I see my oximetry report?

doctor: Its normal..

Me: I would still like to see it..

Doctor: shuffles papers, pulls it out.. for one second... "its normal, you wont be able to understand the graph anyway.. "

Me: I would like to see it anyway.. (I reach for report, which she has already covered with other papers.)

Doctor.. I TOLD YOU IT WAS NORMAL!

Me: Well, I want to see it, I know there must be something going on, I cant believe its normal.

Doctor: (now getting pretty pissed.. ) ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME, ITS NORMAL, YOUR STUDY WAS PERFECTLY NORMAL!

Doctor points out nice even lines on chart.. four hours of them!

DOCTOR.. "YOU see!, that is perfectly normal oxygen intake!!!

ME: BUT I WASNT SLEEPING FOR THOSE FOUR HOURS!!!

doctor.. "what"

ME: I WASNT SLEEPING, I WAS AWAKE WATCHING THE OXIMETER, I WAS BORED!

Doctor.." well nevermind about that.." and I swear to God, she shoved my report back under the other papers..

The next day I get a call from her office to make an appt with the pulmanary doctor for a sleep study.. ASAP..

Guess the rest of the report the few minutes I did sleep didnt look so hot!

After my first night on the ventilator and the apnea alarm went off nonstop. We determined that it could be the Apnea Breath Rate which was set at 10 and we decided that it was going off because my RR was slowing down and going lower than 10 BPM.

RT: Try setting the Apnea Breath Rate at 20.
Me: Okay, but that doesn't make sense to me. If it's set at 10 and the alarm keeps going off, that means that my RR is lower than 10, so wouldn't setting it at 20 make the situation even worse??
RT: Just try it and see if it helps.

After my tritation I saw my general practitioner (GP) with this conversation:

Me: My sleep study showed severe apnea with ....
Doc: I didn't think you could have sleep apnea, you don't have a thick neck.

I am about 150lbs over weight. My DR. asked how was my appetite?

OMG -- when I read some of the stupid things being said, I really worry about the future of humanity. Can human beings really be this stupid???

When I first started CPAP........

ME: I am having problems exhaling. It feels like I am trying to blow up a full balloon.

Dr: Yep, A lot of people have that problem.

Me: Is there something that we can do, maybe a different machine?

Dr: No, a lot of people have that problem. I'll see you in six months. (Dr leaves room before I can I ask anymore questions)

My GP doesn't understand why I won't go back to them.....

Allen