more CPAP humor for Mike's book

susanhhill · Post by **susanhhill** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:53 pm

Here's an addition for your book Mike. I must be really tired or bored.
try this variation of the Night before Christmas

"Twas the Night before CPAP"
Twas the night of my sleep study and all through the place,
All the hoses were hissing and attached to a face.
The wires were hung by the beds with care,
In hopes that rem-sleep would soon be there.

The patients were nestled all snug in their beds,
And visions of rem-sleep danced in their heads;
A tech in his scrubs, and a nurse with no cap,
Were just hooking me up to a thing called CPaP,

When out of the hose the air came with a rush,
I jumped out of the bed and said Oh, I forgot to flush.
Away to the bathroon I flew like a flash,
Tore open the door and tripped over the trash.

The pain on my shin from the metal trash can
Caused me great stress and my pantyhose ran,
Just great, I thought grimly, what have I done,
I might as well face it there’s nowhere to run.

With a sigh of resignation, I returned to my fate,
I can’t get away and it’s getting real late.
More rapid than eagles the techs hooked me up
the hose whistled, and squealed, and howled like a pup.

A huge mask was plastered to my face with care,
and straps of Velcro were hung in my hair.
The way the thing fit on my face wasn’t great
Then began the great mask search on that very date.

"Try, ORACLE! Try, ACTIVA! Try, MIRAGE or a VISTA!
An, AURA! or SWIFT! Or INFINITY, or BREEZE!
To the side of the bed! to the floor by the wall!
Don’t give up! Or curse! Or Throw away all!"

As I search for that most perfect mask of all,
I try different sizes, large, medium and small.
And if ever my masks need an adjustment or strap ,
With pantyhose I can fix all things CPAP.

_________________

CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): breeze, mirage, activa, hose, oracle, swift, CPAP, Aura

unclebob · Post by **unclebob** » Thu Sep 29, 2005 11:59 pm

Hi Susanhhill,

So who did you get to compose that neat poem?

If it was just you - congratulations, it is great, and don't you ever leave this forum no matter how famous you get!

However, noticed you are from the windy state. That should give you a little inspiration for another little ditty. Something like " Oh my popnia, where the rain comes right behind the wind" etc, etc, etc

Go for it!

Bob F

rested gal · Post by **rested gal** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 12:38 am

Susan!!! That was GREAT!

sir_cumference · Post by **sir_cumference** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:23 am

Susan - that was great! Real life!!

And in the line of more humour, here is a little something to add.

Additional helpful advice and information for newbies

1) Refrain from nailing or stapling your mask in place as this can lead to a reduction in overall pressure through the additional holes created in your cheek or nose.

2) Superglue is not recommended as a suitable solution for mask leakage as this may lead to a vastly prolonged mask removal process.

3) The length of your tubing is not an indication of your virility or otherwise!

4) Sleeping with your CPAP above your head may lead to periods of indefinite unconsciousness.

5) Filing into shape, cutting, flinging across the room and stamping on your mask may invalidate your warrantee.

6) Sleep-techs do not have lives.

7) The use of a mask will have no impact in any way as to how big your bum looks in this!

8.) If you suffer badly from wind, keep your CPAP machine at the maximum possible distance from your direct sleeping area. In this way only your partner will have to suffer any inadvertent consequences!

9) It is not recommended that you keep any aquatic creatures in your humidifier.

10) Not all squeaking noises heard in the bedroom can be directly attributed to a leaking mask.

Please feel free to add many many more helpful comments or advice!

sir_cumference (helpful to a fault)

ozij · Post by **ozij** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 4:12 am

Wonderful, Susan.
And Sir_cumference.

O.

sir_cumference · Post by **sir_cumference** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 6:46 am

sigh ... here's something else, I just don't seem to be able to stop writing at the moment! I think it's because I'm in the middle of a really boring job!

Another day gone!

As I rest my weary head,
Upon the pillow of my bed,
And turn my thoughts back to the day,
The pleasures, pains and come what may,
What’s good, what’s bad,
To laugh, to cry,
To think on how the hours fly,
And rush me to my time of rest,
A whole day’s gone I feel depressed!
But - no more I worry as I turn to sleep,
My pressure’s low so my mask won’t squeak.
(… for now! But just wait ‘till about 2am, coz then it’s screamin’)

sir_cumference (who should really be working, not writing poetry!)

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 7:13 am

Susan that was outstanding and sir superb as always. Here is something a lot less elegant than your contributions.

Nose Sucker

(With apologies to Mason Williams)

Well look at that nose sucker ain’t he a riot
Add a strap to some silicone guaranteed he will buy it

Sucking them nasal types
Sucking on them pillows
Sucking them probe types
Sucking god only knows

Well huffer puffer nose sucker don’t want to be dead
Gonna stick on his sucky mask before he goes to bed

Well how to be a nose sucker
No way duck it
Get yourself a sucky mask
Rear back and Suck It

susanhhill · Post by **susanhhill** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 8:14 am

Thanks for all the positive comments!
I was inspired by the humor I find here on this site.
Thanks for all the good ideas for new inspiration!!!

Mask

Mask