HELP! Spouse's non-compliance w/CPAP

I think that perhaps the best strategy for you to take is that the technology has changed so much in the last 7 years. There are a gazillion mask options now. Not to mention how much the machines themselves have changed.

As was said before... See if you can send him here. The experts will convince him.

Kira, you're right, here I am! I'm not going to say much right now until I've digested all that's been said. All I will say is if that had been my first post and I had received some of these replies, I would have been utterly frozen with fear and defeated before I even knew where to begin to help my husband. And who knows where he'd be now. It's late but when I've gathered my thoughts tomorrow I would like to send Spouse a PM if you'll register and allow PMs. There are some real "miracle workers" on this forum who have saved our lives and are here to help the both of you overcome the obstacles of sleep apnea therapy, but first you need some TLC. All the best, Dori

ceteegardin wrote:Any suggestions, feedback?

I like the oximetry idea. If you sense that he is actually becoming almost a different person, it may be time to get him checked by a doctor - and not just a sleep doctor, but a general practitioner - maybe even an internist. Apnea isn't the only cause of medical problems in our lives. When was the last time he had a full physical?

What kinds of meds is he taking? If he takes a lot of meds by different docs, they may need re-balancing. How many docs does he see? Heck, he may need to stop some drugs altogether, if he is taking more than a few. When was the last time he had a full blood workup?
Also, if you're seeing drastic changes in attitude and ability, it may be worth getting that tested too.

And while what Blackspinner said may seem cold and off-handedly casual, any good life-guard will tell you - you have to make sure you're in a safe position before you can really save the life of someone else. A collected perspective may serve you better than nail-biting and worry that only sap your strength. Keep a calm head and recognize when and where you can make a difference. Sad though it may be to consider, that may mean long-term-care insurance or better life insurance if your partner is unwilling to acquiesce to your persuasion on anything else.

DD, I like your cool, calm analysis of the situation. And you're right, once I calmed down and got my anxiety under control, and began my education on this forum, the whole atmosphere in our home changed and my husband was then open to participating in whatever had to be done to regain his health for "us". We kind of made it into an adventure, looking for daily signs of improvement like not needing an afternoon nap, looking at the daily data reports, finding the right mask, bed pillow, etc. One thing that also helped when I thought he was losing interest was printing out some really uplifting posts from here that reinforced what his goals were. What became funny was if I decided to change a setting, etc., he would ask me if I had checked with the experts first! Hope you'll post often. Dori

Uncle_Bob wrote: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/video/modul ... 2008&seg=3

You could show the video clip and the PBS clip to both your husband AND his family. If you could get him to give it another try and maybe sign up and post on this forum then I'm sure he would stand a better chance second time around. Good luck.

Awesome vid -- thanks for posting.

DoriC wrote:... And you're right, once I calmed down and got my anxiety under control, and began my education on this forum, the whole atmosphere in our home changed and my husband was then open to participating in whatever had to be done to regain his health for "us". ...

Dori,

It's actually you, who is one of the heroines on this list. Your husband isn't at a point right now that he can advocate for himself, so you are acting as his patient advocate. Hats off to you ma'am. There aren't many good books on patient advocacy out there, but I bet amongst us, we could probably write one heck of a good one.

I know this is a great cpap site, but might your hubby try a dental appliance? It may be a beginning anyway, and more aceptable to him. However, the oximeter use is a great asset in proving to him his oxygen defiency when sleeping.

DD, your comment about patient advocacy brought something to mind. When we had our first f/u visit with the "sleep specialist", the first thing I mentioned was that my husband was not too aware of what was going on and that I could probably answer any questions necessary. He then proceeded to address all his questions to my husband. After the first one that he couldn't answer(do you wear a nasal or ff mask?),which got hubby all flustered, I tried to answer for him and the Dr shot me a dirty look for interrupting. I let him know in no uncertain terms that I was my husband's advocate and he was to address all his questions to me or we wouldn't continue the visit. He then began to lecture me on "not allowing my husband to speak for himself". I won't bore you with the rest of the story, but let's just say that we came to a civil "meeting of the minds" and he ended by congratulating me for doing such a "good job", offered no new recommendations except to set the auto to 8-18(titrated at 13) and see you in 3months. Let's see, that would have been around January so I guess we missed that appointment! As for writing a book, I'd much rather write one about by grandchildren. .

BlackSpinner wrote:Just make sure he has his insurance up to date. You want to be a well off widow.

Boy, have I been thinking about this ever since I read it. BlackSpinner may sound insensitive, but she is exactly right. I know from experience. My husband died at age 55 from a major stroke with no previous TIAs or other warnings. He almost certainly had OSA but refused to go to a doctor for any reason for over 20 years. There was a history of high blood pressure in his mother's family and his father had several heart attacks (from smoking which my husband didn't do). Without the life insurance from his employer (and mine also), I would be in a terrible situation. I won't be retiring to the Riviera on it but it gives me a cushion to recover from my own OSA without worrying about the fact that I can only work about half time. When the doctor said he would be vegetative if we continued treatment, his own sister said "How could he be so selfish to not think about you and your health problems, and the effect it would have on Momma" (my mother-in-law). That pretty much sums it up. He had always been worried about my health and the possibility that I might have to quit or take a disability retirement or even die from one of my ailments. He was concerned about his mother living alone with advancing age. But his dislike and distrust of doctors bordered on irrational.

I would gladly give back the insurance and more to have him here in spite of his stubbornness.

Julie wrote:
Blackspinner - that was a gratuitous and utterly tasteless comment! This woman is trying to get help and I don't think your remark is going to do that at all. She's obviously well aware of the problems.


But it is the reality. And she needs to face it. One can't change someone no mater how much you love them, they have to want to change.
Some people need to be kicked where it hurts and if she indicates she is planning her widowhood it just might shake him up enough to get that oximeter on his finger, otherwise I suggest she cut the ties before she is stuck with a worse situation of changing his diapers and feels too guilty to leave.

I think the quote was both funny and informative. If somebody is fighting a health problem due to ignorance, macho attitude, or flippancy, it is necessary to get educated, or deal with serious health problems.